So Much Has Happened

There's been a lot going on in my life in the past few months. Y'all know I got engaged, and along with that came a new family, or rather integrating all those involved into a new family. Believe it or not the hard part isn't the kids. It's crazy, and amazing but the children get along great... with each other and with the new adult figure in their life.

It's just the adults (yes, I'm calling us that even though we aren't behaving that way) that are having problems dealing with one another. I'm not blaming him... and as soon as I wrote that I thought, "Oh yes, I am." I know I'm just as responsible as he is. BUT, (and this is a big BUT) at least I'm reading and working hard on trying to understand and make it work. Yeah, Yeah, I know. Your probably thinking CR so is he. REALLY?!?!? I don't think so.

Ya see he's coming from a long marriage. At least that's what I consider twenty three years of being with a spouse. And I think that along with that extended time period of living and dealing with one person he has come to expect me to understand or to respond and in some cases not respond to his behavior. Well, I don't work that way.

It was hard enough for me to get engaged and stay that way. I don't remember if I wrote about how I got sick to my stomach when Mr. Rose proposed. I felt like I was going to throw up or faint or both even though I knew he was going to ask me. And when we were planning the wedding I got that feeling a lot.

I really don't know how we even managed to get married. I was scared, picked fights, read things the wrong way, and was absolutely emotional. But somehow the day of the wedding arrived and I couldn't stop smiling. It most certainly wasn't like this the first time I did it. I was happy. AND I was relaxed. I had a great time.

The week before the wedding we saw each other. Not for seconds or just in passing, but spending the days together. All except for Shabbos. We even saw each other the night before when we set up the shul, and the morning of. He helped me get dressed. Thinking about it now, I know that if I had not been able to spend that time with him there would have been no way that we would have made it to the Chuppah. He made me feel secure and loved.

Yeah, yeah, I noticed that I wrote that in the past tense. Ya see, I'm not feeling that secure and loved anymore. Rather I'm feeling taken for granted, and ignored.

OK, OK, I know he just bought us a house and moved his family across the country, but we haven't even gone out on one date since we've been married and it's been over two months.

That hurts. And yes, I've told him. Yes, I've mentioned it to him gently, humorously, with teasing and with tears. But nothing has taken place. I've also told him that I don't need it to be fancy. I just want some time to feel special or rather that he feels I'm special.

I don't want him treating me a certain way just to have sex. And anyway, y'all know how I am, and that sex is a given... although, at this point...

I don't want to have to think about money, or the kids or anything. I want to be with him. Hell, I was even going to consider us going to Target a date until he started kvetching. I just wanted some time with him out of the house, out of bed, just the two of us.

So today, he went with his brother to lunch, just the two of them, and it hurt... bad. Not only that he didn't even bother bring me anything back. WTF.

Right now, I don't even want to go out with him. I'll tell you what I do want to do... no, maybe I won't, but I will tell you it involves a door slamming so hard behind me that it echoes in his ears for a long time. I can hear it in my head right now, the thought of it gives me satisfaction.

Of course, I know it's childish, but I want to hurt him back. I want him to understand just how alone I feel... how sad this makes me. I don't expect a perfect marriage, but I would still like to have a marriage. Right now, all I feel is that he wants me for his kids and sex, and that makes me not want him.

I don't need any stick it out advice. I need to vent, and boy, would I love to vent on him, but I'm trying my best to keep things in control.

It Seems Like Forever

...that I haven't written. It's only been about three months. It also seems like it's forever since I met Mr. Rose. Y'all remember him. The man who was good to me, who is good to me... so good to me. I've never experienced in my life anything near what he has given me; in support, caring, understanding, patience, and most importantly love.

I feel safe and secure with him in so many ways. I trust him with my emotions and I also trust him to stick around. He is the first man that I've ever introduced to DB as someone I'm dating. Not only that I tell him I love him within DB's earshot, and he's seen me hug him.

Now that's a huge step. I can't begin to write how my life has changed since he's become a part of it. UGH!!! That sounds so, actually most of this post sounds so, so ummmm.... so mushy, so lovey dovey, so grossifyingly sweet. It's just got to stop.

OK, so let's talk about fighting. I've had a couple disagreements with him. I've also pulled away from him... very far away. And he's still hung around. He wouldn't let me run away from him, but he gave me the room I needed to come back. This man is unbelievable. OK, OK, I've started gushing again. Yes, it's ridiculous.

The funny thing is that I never would've picked him for me. I mean c'mon he's about 11 years older, he lives in a different city, and before I started dressing him... well, he just didn't care that much. Yes, he dressed neatly. And yes, he wore clean clothes, but he dressed plainly. You could tell that he hadn't really bought anything for himself in quite some time. So, his daughter and I had fun together and got him some shirts and ties, pants, cashmere sweaters (so yummy to cuddle up to when he's in them, and yes he's yummy to cuddle up to when he's not in them {take that as you will}) a nice pair of cashmere lined leather gloves for Shabbos, a cashmere scarf, and a new suede hat.

He looks good!!!! And he also smells good. I told him how I like cologne on a man, and he went out to get some. Then he wrote a little screenplay about his search for the right scent. He's smart, witty, and knows what to say to me (in many different ways). He's the man! My man.
In case you can't tell, I've got it bad for him.

Oh! Forgot to tell you about the jewelry he gave me for my b-day, how my family loves him, how he sticks up for me, and how comfortable DB is around him.

Every time he reminds me of how long we've been dating (it was just our 4 month anniversary), we laugh because it seems like we've been together forever, even if it's such a short time and yet we look back and realize how far we have come.

Yes, he is the one who's been keeping track. I still get roses. He cleans my apartment and peels 10 lbs. of potatoes without a single complaint. HE DOES THE FREAKIN' DISHES!!! WOW!!! and believe me the man is not pussy whipped. He has a mind of his own and a strength that just attracts me to him like you wouldn't believe.

Don't really want to get into our sex life. OMG!!!! Can you believe that I'm writing that?!?? Me, Miss My Bed Is An Open Book. But it's personal. Whoa!!! I get freaked out sometimes in this relationship. I can't believe the things I now say and do. Anyway, I'll write more later. just wanted to update and let some of you know what's going on in my life. Plus I might want to one day look back and read this with him and laugh and laugh!

A Man With A Slow Hand

Mr. Rose came to town. The funny thing about it was that I wasn't shy when I saw him again. Yes, I know, it doesn't make sense, especially after you've read about me but I do get shy on occasion.

When Mr. Rose and I first met I had a hard time meeting his eyes with mine. But not yesterday.

Anyway, on to the good stuff. He came to Oz just to see me. I had a meeting and work so we didn't even get to spend that much time together, BUT what time we did have was, ummmm, well spent. ;-) Again, y'all have your minds in the gutters. I'm referring to dinner together and then a long walk around my neighborhood while we talked and enjoyed being with one another. The air had cooled. The stars were out, and sweat didn't coat our palms when we held hands. Couldn't ask for more...

Speaking of hands, that's always one of the first things that I always notice about a man, and not for the reason that most of you think. Hands denote strength and security to me which I find very sexy.

The hands on Mr. Rose are wonderful and he knows how to use them. Boy, does he ever!!! One word - WOW! I couldn't get enough of them. My body is reacting just thinking about him and what he can do with them. WHOA NELLIE!!

I got another package from him today. It included an alarm clock and two movies. You need an alarm clock when you're busy and not getting too much sleep.

He went back home today, and I went to work. I'm tired and can't sleep because... Well, I'll just leave that one to your imagination.

btw-Hit my head on the night table and the wall. Don't even ask

No Pressure

Haven't really given y'all the low down on Mr. Rose and his trip to Kansas. He has friends in Kansas, but it was easier all around to have him stay with some of my relatives. There were a lot of cousins interested in hosting him, but I wanted him to feel comfortable so I made sure he had his own floor including choice of bedrooms and bathroom.

I got into Kansas all gross from working and then traveling, and the first place I went was to see him. Points for Mr. Rose that he didn't run screaming for the hills. He then went on to tell me that I look better than my pictures. I beg to differ. I think he was just excited that I'm a real live person and not a figment of his imagination.

He had already sent me flowers, books, and music, but the next thing I know I have a box of chocolates in my hand and am told that I don't even need to share. WHOA!!! Y'all know how I feel about chocolate. Not only that he brought me more music, he has great taste, two toys for DB and... a brand new tool belt. That's the way to this woman's heart!!!

I like working with my hands... in numerous ways. Get your minds out of the gutters!! ;-) I crochet, knit, needlepoint, replace light fixtures, toilets, faucets, sinks, vanities, not to mention working on my car. I like to get my hands dirty. Believe it or not I have never owned a tool belt, and there have been many occasions when one would've come in handy, repairing the ceiling fan is just one of them.

All I can say is he really listens to me and then thinks about me when getting me something. Unbelievable. I'm blown away.

Well, he obviously feels something for me. He's been telling me in letters, phone calls, and now in person, but I'm a little uncomfortable. Things are moving way too fast on his part. Yes, Petey, I know I fall easily, but Mr. Rose has fallen harder and faster.

He was going to come to Oz for Shabbos, but we're slowing things down a bit. He's totally cool with that. WOW!!! Is he too good to be true?!?!?

Wasn't able to finish the post last night...

Stopped at Home Depot today. It's one of my favorite toy stores, and finally picked up a new ceiling fan for the kitchen. I was going to install it tonight after I changed the light switch in the bedroom, BUT had to go pick up DB from a sleepover party. He's still not comfortable quite yet sleeping at a friend's house. So I now owe Mr. Rose a nickel. I told him I could have the fan installed tonight and he bet against me.

It seems like he has an idea of who I am. He started talking about firemen, and how being stuck in Home Depot with one would make me a happy woman.

He's A Nice Guy

...but it's not going to work. Mr. B came by to take me out tonight. I like him, he's sweet, but there's something that's not there. Or maybe there's something that is there.

It annoyed me that he was on his way over before I even told him that I would go out with him tonight. I'm not a foregone conclusion, and I don't like being taken for granted. I told him he was not going to be invited in and he still asked me a couple of times. We'll be friends with maybe some csbf, but that's it. I think he really is a little too young for me.

Mr. Rose does not live in Oz. He mentioned last night that he wants to meet me as soon as possible so it looks like we will be getting together for a weekend in Kansas. We've got a lot in common. He also loves the wind and water and wants to take me to the ocean.

OORAH!!!!

I ended up going out on the date tonight and I just got home. My cold was just about gone this afternoon so I didn't cancel on Mr. B. We had a very good time, and I saw Steve from Sex And The City.

Actually I had a very, very good time. He was sweet, had nice manners, handsome and...

OORAH!!!

That's the best way to describe it. Let's just say the man knows what he's doing, and does it well!!!!

Still A Dream

I figured that after almost a year and a half of blogging I can bring out an old post or two...

Dreams

Please Hold...

PMSing

I Don't Just Talk In My Sleep

Y'all already know I talk in my sleep...

I'm tired from driving back to Oz last night. We got in early but then I felt the need to unpack everything and do some cleaning. That's what drinking coffee will do to me.

Feeling kind of hung over from the caffeine. I'm trying to get some work done on my computer, and I felt myself dozing off. I guess I'm not going to be able to work while sitting on my bed today.

Anyway, the next thing I know I'm nodding my head and opening my mouth to say, "OK, OK, I understand." I didn't get the words out because moving my head woke me up.

I wonder if I do anything else in my sleep. Oh, please! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to sleepwalking. Although, I have heard of people who have sex in their sleep. I don't mean the people like my ex who can put you to sleep while having sex because they're so bad. I'm talking about people who are actually sleeping and stay that way while having sex.

I'm trying to figure that one out, and I've got to say that sex must not be that great if they don't even wake up when...

I Miss It

I miss feeling a man's hands on me. I miss being held. I miss long deep passionate kisses. In case you haven't gotten the point yet... I MISS SEX!!!

I was just talking a friend tonight and I couldn't stop laughing when I mentioned that I just (right then and there) realized that this is the first relationship (meaning the one with Cowboy, if you can call it a relationship) in which I've been shomer negiah!!! HYSTERICAL!!!

I mean, c'mon, it's me! And I haven't even kissed him yet, let alone held hands. Whoa!! You have to admit that it's absolutely unbelievable.

Well, it's been getting to me. I miss being with a man. There have been offers... the 25 year olds from Frumster and JDATE along with the 65 year olds. And yes, there have been a few from those who fit into the age category in between.

Remember though, I have to like the guy before anything can happen, and I'd prefer to be interested in him romantically. BUT get real!!! We all know that I have a strong sex drive. OK, OK, a very strong sex drive.

Soooooo, I'll keep y'all posted. I can't go to the mikvah until Monday night. After that.... ;-)

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

What Are You Dreaming Of?

For some reason I started thinking about differences between men's and women's fantasies...

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but most, if not all, of men's fantasies involve sex.

Now I'm not your average woman or average Bais Yaakov girl, so some, OK, OK a large portion of my fantasies also involve sex, but that does not mean all of them. One of my favorite fantasies is having a wife. Yup, someone to come home to who will listen to you kvetch, have a delicious meal waiting for you, has taken care of the kids, and cleaned up the house. All you have to do is hug and kiss everyone.

Alright, even that fantasy is a little ridiculous. Let's just say I'd like to come home to a clean house, with food in the fridge and no legos left on the floor to permanently maim your bare feet. I guess you know what happened to me last night after turning off the lights in the living room.

Here are some more of my fantasies, and yes, some of these are sexual in nature. C'mon it's me!!! I would love for kissing and foreplay to last a long, long, long time. Another major fantasy is living happily ever after with the man I love. Of course, that doesn't mean perfectly ever after. It means that I know that happiness is at the very least around the corner and accompanied by the best makeup sex ever.

Major huge fantasy here... DB receiving all the help he needs with school so that he doesn't come to hate learning.

How about this one... making love out on the African plains. A moonless sky brightened by millions of stars and the rumbling sound of lions roaring in the distance.

Any of you brave enough to tell me your fantasies?

The Message

I listened to it three times, and then saved it so I could listen to it again. It was a rough afternoon for me, and Cowboy just happened to call 5 minutes after all the craziness was going on. I was angry, upset, sad, frustrated, and so much more. Anyway, it all worked out in the end, plus I got this funny message from him.

Listening to his happy voice, smiling in my ear, his laughter while he's teasing me, knowing that he could get away with it, and that it would only make me smile... saying those words and both of us knowing that it's true.

There's so much to say, but it's all mishkibibbled up in my mind. But that message made me laugh and want to fly hundreds of miles just to kiss him for leaving it. Of course, if I flew that many miles I would end up doing more than kiss him. C'mon, what do you expect??? It's me, and well, let's just say he does it for me, and I'd like to do it for and to him.

OK, OK, I've got sex on the brain tonight, and no comments from you smartasses saying that I'm always thinking about sex (even though it may be true). Ummmm, it's just that he encourages these thoughts, and I can't and don't want to resist. How can I resist anyway??? He's got THE VOICE. Maybe that's what I should have called him instead of Cowboy. Too bad, I'm not going to go changing his name now.

Back to his kisses... Yeah, I know. I haven't kissed him... yet. But I know what they'll be like, and how my knees will get weak and I'll have to hold onto him even tighter so that I won't fall with his voice whispering in my ear.

Hmmm, it looks like it's time for me to stop writing, but I won't stop thinking about his hands on me. I've got a good imagination... a very good imagination.

Who Are You?

About three months ago someone wanted to add me to their contacts on Yahoo! Messenger. I had no idea who she/he was so I refused. Then about two months ago they tried to add me again... still no idea who this person was. After the third time they contacted me I responded to them.

This morning, about two weeks later, "she" initiated contact with "toess" and I'm just about positive that I don't know anyone who would start a conversation with me like that.

My question of "who are you?" was answered with, "you were added when we talked... forgot about it... took you long enough to ask."

Now I don't remember chatting with someone about toes or even feet so I asked again, "Who are you?" and got, "sweettoes how many more times?" I burst out laughing and looked at my feet; manicured toes painted big apple red, smooth heels, and soft soles. Not bad, but there's no way I would forget someone calling me sweettoes, maybe she was referring to her own.

"Who are you? Maybe you think I'm someone else?" I asked. She continued, "no, i do not your 56 yrs old and not called john" This was definitely starting to get interesting. What immediately popped to mind is "why isn't he called john?" Maybe she's a hooker and trying to refresh his memory.

At this point I really wanted to know what was going on and who this person was. "Who are you?"

"why?"

"I think you have me confused with someone else."

"ok then i delete you and apologise"

There haven't been any more messages, but I wonder whatever happened with Sweettoes and Not John.

Heaven

A smile teases my lips
with thoughts of
hearing him
draw a chill down my spine
sharing the joy of pleasures
and the dreams of together
my heart opens to his knowing boldness
a blush of sultry
colors the innocence of love
a deepened laugh answered by a sensual purr
and a soft blanket of ecstacy warms the delight
of kindred spirits running through the stars

Not Making Sense

I've started four new posts within the past 2 days, but I couldn't finish them. The posts are about HIM. Then, just like now, my emotions are all jumbled up and get stuck on the way out. The words are there but I'm tripping on them. Maybe I'll stop worrying about sentences and whether or not it makes sense, and write it down anyway.

Yes, I care about him... deeply, and not just sexually, although there is definitely major chemistry there. miss him want to trace his face with my fingertips and feel safe in his arms. he understands me like no one I've ever met, and knows what I'm thinking before I do. Sometimes I don't think he's real... just a fantastic creation of my overactive imagination. He's a man, but I can see the boy that still lives inside of him.

I could talk to him for hours, and sometimes I catch myself smiling just because I'm listening to his voice. I'm trying to figure this out and I've spoken to some friends about him. I'm not used to this.

Triggers

my body reacts
with heat
and my thoughts race
to catch my breath
a thundering beat rushes blood to my face
when I imagine him

how?
why?
is it possible?
my mind trying to unwrap the answers

of this lust,
craving to
experience him

ringing hypnotizes me
and the distance fades with the sound of his voice
my silence endures
his soft laughter
betraying me,
confessing my desperate need without words
whispering kisses and love
I listen for his smile and am content

Reality?

rolling over into his arms
I murmur sleepily
and his soft chuckle tickles my ear.
He knows what I'm thinking before I do
and eases me with understanding.

His offer of safety beckons me,
and I willingly accept
with soft yeses
mouthing the words

he gives me

from my own heart.

confusion surrounds me in a haze of passion
burned off by unuttered consequences
He rescues me from the drowning sands of a protected heart
and brushes off the loneliness along with my clothes.
His searing eyes welcoming me to my unsealed emotions

admitting his control within
my body opens private desires
Experiences unfulfilled become reality
when spoken aloud by his caressing lips.
Phone calls and sweaty smiles
leave me comforted with dreams of meeting

The Good Man

I've been thinking about Mr. Right, and Mr. Right Now for awhile and realized that what I'm really looking for is a "Good Man."

When a guy impresses me to such an extent I usually call him "a good guy" It's one of the highest compliments I can give. I used to think that I was looking for that "good guy", but now I realize that it's a man I want. A Good Man.

So I started to try to figure out what does that really mean to me. Is it someone who helps an old lady across the street, who volunteers at a soup kitchen in his spare time, or is it someone who donates a large portion of his money to tzedaka?

Although all of those things are highly commendable, I realized that it wasn't what made someone a "Good Man"...at least not to me.


It's the man who gets out of bed every morning and goes to work, but doesn't forget to kiss his kids and wish them good luck on their test that day. It's the man who sheepishly forgets the anniversary, but thanks his wife when he walks in to a clean home and dinner on the table. It's the man who gets annoyed when someone cuts him off in traffic, but will walk away from or even try to break up a fight. He's an ordinary man, but inside of him there is goodness, patience, and thankfulness that although his life is ordinary it's still special to him. He understands that it's the little things, a look, touch, note, or a joke that can be shared between us.

This "Good Man" is a grown up, but that does not preclude him from acting like a child and getting down on the floor and wrestling with the kids, dog, and cat (all at the same time). This "Good Man" loves life and what he has of it. He wants to give to his family things that he believes they will enjoy and his time also.

The most important part of this description is the fact that he is a man and recognizes I'm a woman. I've probably alienated a few of you out there with that statement, but I believe there is a difference and I'm glad for it to be recognized. And yes, I'm aware that I wrote above that he's thankful to have a clean home and dinner on the table, but that doesn't mean he won't make dinner too. It's just that I want to be at home with the kids so Mr. Mom is not what I'm looking for, but I know of men like that.

I respect them all the more because they are still "Men" even though they are many times viewed as less than by others of the same and opposite sex. Yes, this is my opinion, but I've recognized these feelings through other's treatment, condescension and ignoring of the father for the mother's take on a certain matter when he is the more knowledgeable one with regard to their children.

What am I really trying to say here while I ramble on and on? I guess I want a caring, loving individual comfortable in his own skin who is interested and willing to share his life, love and time with his family, and is grateful for the chance to be able to do so and deserves to be respected for his efforts the same way that he respects the many different people he encounters daily.

Hey!!!! Don't forget he's got to be good in bed too. C'mon, you really didn't think that I would write a post about men and not bring up sex? Did you????


btw-Since I haven't found him yet, I'm sure that there will be updates to this post in the future

Nice!!!

OMG- I almost forgot the warning!!
NOT RATED G


Didn't plan on it happening. Really, I didn't. I was tired, and it was a long day. I didn't even want to eat. And believe it or not I had a headache something that rarely happens to me. But after some Advil, a little caffeine and some food...

Yup, you got it. HOT SEX!!!! Soooooooooooooo good!

I guess it's time to introduce him to you guys. I was going to call him Mr. Knock-'em-dead, but I think Mr. Knock Me Off My Feet is a better fit because he did just that. We were standing and kissing and the next thing I know I'm on my back on the couch.

Now, to tell you a little about him... aside from the fact that he knows what he's doing and makes me feel fine. Let me clarify that, better than fine! He's not that tall. Actually, he's shorter than I am by about an inch, but not where it counts. Whoa! I'm being a little graphic today. It's just that while I'm writing about him, I can't stop thinking about last night.

Back to Mr. Knock, he's got such soft hair, and it's cut short and fuzzy in the back. It's deep black and absolutely yummy!!! Yeah, yeah, I realize that I'm not really telling you too much about him. But the look he gets in his eyes is instant panty remover. HOT!! Very hot!!

Yes, I'm having trouble staying focused. He does that to me sometimes. Can't even remember my name after he kisses me.

OK! I did it again. He's a dad of two little girls, and he is so good with them. You can see that he loves his kids AND enjoys them. He's very easy to be with and enjoyable to be around. What I really like is when his arms are around me... strong arms. Sidetracked again.

The funny thing is that he has absolutely no idea that I'm putty in his hands... those hands.

I think I need to stop writing before I write things that I just can't post.

PMSing

MOST DEFINITELY NOT RATED G





Now that I've scared most of you members of the male sex away by the title, I will try and tell y'all what's going on. I'm a little tired. I'm a little teary. AND I'm horny as hell.

Yup, you read that right. It's probably just the hormones. Yeah, yeah, I can just hear what you're thinking, "Sure CR we've heard that one before. When don't you have sex on the brain?!" But it's true. About a week before I get my period, almost all that I can think about is sex... not just run of the mill sex, but hot and sweaty sex that leaves you breathless, with your heart pounding, and a huge grin on your face.

I'm not talking about the "wham bam thank you, ma'am" kind of sex that I used to have with the ex. What I am referring to is sex that is better than melt in your mouth Godiva chocolate truffles when you savor the silkiness as it slips over your tongue. This is the sex that slowly builds with passionate looks and take your time hot kisses that make you beg for more. I think that the ladies know what I'm referring to... it starts way before anything physical and then continues with the foreplay for a looooooooong time afterward.



btw-can you just imagine how ECSTATIC I would be with chocolate and sex together?!?!?