Over My Shoulder

Mr. Rose is sitting next to me as I write. He has access to my blog, but doesn't visit. He wants to give me my privacy. Anyway, I was showing him something and he noticed that in my "about me" it stated that I was thirty-something. Oh boy! He kinda got on me about that. I turned 40 a couple months back.

The funny thing is that when Mr. Rose would first answer his friends questions about me he made me 40. He didn't want people to think there was that great an age difference. Not that it feels like there is any disparity in the way we view the world because of how old we are. Soooooo... I kinda got on him about making me older and he's now returning the favor.

He knows how I feel about honesty too. So there you go.... I'm 40. Of course, I still act like I'm 16.

btw- Mr. Rose just turned another year older himself this week. I think that might be the reason for his even noticing the age thing. ttytt-I don't even notice the age difference, BUT I love to tease him about it.

one more thing Mr. Rose just realized why the post wasn't posting... it said pm not am. Ya just gotta love the man!!!!!

OORAH!!!!

I ended up going out on the date tonight and I just got home. My cold was just about gone this afternoon so I didn't cancel on Mr. B. We had a very good time, and I saw Steve from Sex And The City.

Actually I had a very, very good time. He was sweet, had nice manners, handsome and...

OORAH!!!

That's the best way to describe it. Let's just say the man knows what he's doing, and does it well!!!!

I Miss It

I miss feeling a man's hands on me. I miss being held. I miss long deep passionate kisses. In case you haven't gotten the point yet... I MISS SEX!!!

I was just talking a friend tonight and I couldn't stop laughing when I mentioned that I just (right then and there) realized that this is the first relationship (meaning the one with Cowboy, if you can call it a relationship) in which I've been shomer negiah!!! HYSTERICAL!!!

I mean, c'mon, it's me! And I haven't even kissed him yet, let alone held hands. Whoa!! You have to admit that it's absolutely unbelievable.

Well, it's been getting to me. I miss being with a man. There have been offers... the 25 year olds from Frumster and JDATE along with the 65 year olds. And yes, there have been a few from those who fit into the age category in between.

Remember though, I have to like the guy before anything can happen, and I'd prefer to be interested in him romantically. BUT get real!!! We all know that I have a strong sex drive. OK, OK, a very strong sex drive.

Soooooo, I'll keep y'all posted. I can't go to the mikvah until Monday night. After that.... ;-)

No Surprise

You Are a Super Flirt!

You have almost every guy under your spell, and you totally work a room You can charm almost anyone you desire - including your friends men Sometimes your flirty ways arouse jealousy from others, but it's all in fun You secretly crave another super flirt who will put you to the test

What Kind of Flirty Girl Are You?

Flirting Is Fun

...and I've been doing a lot of it.

I like boys, men, guys. You get it. I like people of the opposite sex. I enjoy them. The way they think, talk, laugh, and of course feel.

There's someone new that I've been enjoying. No, silly. Not in that way. We've been corresponding. That's how things have been starting for me lately which also includes him reading my blog. He knew that I would be writing about him and even helped me come up with his name. BGB-Bad Good Boy. It fits. He's a good guy with some of the exciting, passionate, sexy, bad boy about him.

He figured out who I was on Frumster, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that at first. But I feel comfortable with it now. I'm not sure if we'll progress any further than flirting, but I'll keep y'all posted.

You are probably wondering what happened to Blondie. Nothing really. Still like him and find him attractive it's just that he isn't able to relocate. I was crushing on him... hard, and trying not to. It helped that I was in niddah and we didn't get together for awhile. Plus with yontif we haven't had that much time to talk. I did kinda ask him out for next Sat. night, but he's got a lot on his plate and wasn't able to commit to it. I understand, but my free nights are few and far between so I like to make sure that I can enjoy them if possible.

When We're Married....

Teen, this man that I met on Frumster has been talking as if we are going to get married. He has not met me, and I have not led him on in any way. I haven't been sliding any sexual innuendos into our conversations and I most certainly haven't been talking about marriage. GEEZ LOUISE!!! I haven't even told him that I like him.

I was speaking to a friend of mine tonight and I mentioned that Teen is not the first guy who has brought up marriage before we have even met and without me encouraging the topic in anyway. I have been trying to figure it out. Am I doing something.... am I saying something.... am I choosing to answer the messages of guys who do this? I figure it must be me because this happens so often. Or maybe not... maybe it's just that the guys out there want to get married and when they find someone they enjoy talking to and who listens to them they set their hopes on her.

But it's not like Teen has proposed or anything like that. Although, I do feel he is rushing things.... A LOT.

This got me to thinking about past relationships and how close some of them have come to marriage. I think that I might have led on some of them. Nope, changed my mind.... I think that I loved them, but when it came down to the wire I couldn't think of spending my life with them.

Of course, the first two happened even before I was twenty. One my senior year of high school and he was a college senior. The other one happened that summer after I graduated. I broke it off with both of them. As much as I liked dreaming about being married I was most certainly not ready and neither of them were the right guy for me.

The next two guys were after seminary. One was a divorced older guy and good friends with the guy who asked me two summers earlier. The other wasn't Jewish, but he was the closest I came to saying yes before I met my stbx. Part of the draw to Not-Jewish was his family background William James, psychologist, Henry James, author, Maxfield Parrish and Jean Parrish, artists. How I came to go out with Not-Jewish is for another time. Then there was the Israeli guy, best friends with Doll's husband. He thought that since we made out we would be getting married. There wasn't even any sex and he didn't speak any English, but I did speak Hebrew.

After stbx, there was Mr. Complex (as in Napoleon) and Mr. Move To Israel, and now Teen. Am I giving off marriage vibes like some sort of pheromones through the phone lines??

Just Friends

Dan The Man is Doll's twin brother. When I came back with her to London after seminary there was an instant attraction. Actually I felt that attraction the summer before, but I didn't stay at her house and we didn't have any time to get to know each other. Staying at her house changed everything, well, almost everything.

We talked about everything from religion to science then to music and books. We may not have agreed on everything, but it didn't stop us from enjoying our talks about it. I can remember one night in his room. I don't know where Doll was, and I don't think anyone else was at home. There was electricity in the looks we gave to one another. Then instead of anything happening we talked some more. This time it was about whether or not we were going to go out with each other.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell him that there was no way I could ever hurt Doll and to have her two best friends together might make her feel left out. I had talked to Doll earlier in my visit in a roundabout way. She probably saw through it, but didn't come outright and tell me not to date Dan. This was the first time that I chose friendship over going out with a guy.

When I came back to London a couple years later for Doll's wedding I still felt that pull, but Dan The Man was dating someone seriously. I was sooooo jealous and wanted to tell him, but I kept it in. I didn't discuss it with Doll because I came to London to help her feel really good before her special day. I didn't want her focusing on me.

Once again Dan The Man and I were left alone in the house. I don't know how that happened with all the relatives that were in. That's when he mentioned that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. The jealousy and hurt I felt was unbelievable. I have the feeling he knew about some of it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind by flirting with two and fooling around with one of the Chasan's best friends.

I spoke with him a couple years later and it didn't feel like we were an ocean away. I wanted to tell him how I still felt, but I didn't want to do anything to his marriage... so I stopped calling.

The funniest thing is that when Doll and I were talking recently she mentioned that Dan and I had gone out. Whoa!!!! I told her we never had and that it was a thought at decision based on how it might affect her. Man, we could've gone out and it wouldn't have made a difference.... just wishful thinking. I believe that I made the right choice and still have an amazing friend because of it.

Why am I writing about a relationship that never was from about twenty years ago? I spoke to Dan The Man last night... and laughed and talked about intuition and people and I felt that pull. He noticed my laugh and I listened to the cadence and accent in his voice. Grab a Jude Law movie and close your eyes. That's his voice.... exactly. I missed him. Don't know if we're going to talk again any time soon, although he mentioned it.

I sent him something that I wrote from this blog, but I don't think that he'll visit again. Or maybe there's a part of me that wants him to know the way I feel. I just won't act on it. I don't want to come between him and his wife. This time I don't want to hurt him.

How can I miss something I never had?

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Most definitely not G rated:
But definitely entertaining

Sooooo sooooooo much has been going on this week, and I haven't had that much time to write about it. Here goes...

1) I drove back and forth to Kansas three times in three days if I've counted it right. My brain is just a little fried from being so tired. And I'm so tired because on Monday I moved a dining room set, credenza and another table out of my great-uncle's non-air conditioned house. Yes, it was about 99 degrees without the heat index. So I took everything a part and actually moved the credenza myself on a dolly. My dad helped me tilt it into the truck so I could pull it up and put it in.

Then I drove the truck back to Oz, and unloaded everything. I did get a little help with the top of the dining room table. I'm a little achy now from all the hard work. And I still need to screw everything back together. But at least I unpacked.

2) Chassidish came over last night and we behaved ourselves... as difficult as it was. He stayed awhile so I didn't get to sleep until late

3) The night before that when I was in Kansas I spent a long time sending messages back and forth to Confused Guy (named by rebel with a cause) who doesn't seem so confused anymore and Teen. I'm calling him that because even though he's a little older (Bud thinks he may be too old for me) he acts and talks young. I don't mean immature, just young and full of life.

4) Someone from Frumster contacted me. Not what you're thinking... someone who works for Frumster. He said that he read my blog and would I let him know my identity. It made me feel like a spy. I told him no and asked why. He wanted to get my input about Frumster and any suggestions I might have. I sent him some and if any of you out there have specific things you want added or changed let me know and I'll pass it along.

But really, after writing about what happened with Bud and now Chassidish did he really think I was going to tell him who I was. He probably would have had me kicked off of Frumster. Do they actually do that?

5) I was also up late this past week working on the trial. Of course, the dates have been changed and there isn't even going to be a pre-trial conference tomorrow. C'est la vie. What can I do? Nothing, so I've chosen not to worry about it and instead take care of the baby again tomorrow.

Now for the unbelievable story.....
I got a phone call last night from a guy I know through frumster. No, I am most definitely not saying who it is because of what he asked. Ok, ok, I'll tell you what he asked... He prefaced it by stating that he never wanted me to speak of it again after our conversation. My ears really perked up then. I answered, "of course" and was quiet waiting for the bomb to drop.

AND THEN IT DID!!! OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH!! OMIGOSH!!!!

He said "How would you like to come out with me tonight to a 'couple's club'?" Then there was silence. I think he wanted to let it sink in. At first I wasn't sure what he meant, but since he was still quiet I realized that it was what I thought it was.... a swinger's club.

HOLY MOLEY!!!! ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN' UNBELIEVABLE!!! WHOA!!!!!

I didn't know if I should be insulted or not. Then I started thinking about it.... I was curious. C'mon I'm sure that you've all heard of these things going on, but have never been a part of it or known where it was taking place.

Anyway, he broke first and said "Did you understand me?"
"I sure did. What the hell are you thinking??" and then I cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. My stomach started to hurt I was laughing sooo hard. It takes a lot to insult me. Well, obviously.
When I finally started to get quiet he asked me if I would be willing to go. The curiosity really started to get to me. I have this unsatiable desire to find out and learn and see new things and ideas. I really did seriously contemplate it. No, I wasn't going to participate. I just wanted to see for myself. I mean really, it would have made a great story.

But two things prevented me from going: Chassidish was already on his way over, and I didn't feel comfortable going with this guy (the one who asked me, not Chassidish) in particular. Soooo the answer was no. But if he ever asks again.......

I'm supposed to talk to CG and Teen tonight. We'll see how it goes. btw- both are willing to relocate.

Happy News:
Pen went out this week with a really nice girl and they got along great. We've been staying in touch mostly by e-mail and talking about our different dates. There's no flirting going on which makes it easy and comfortable. I'm sooooo happy for him. He's a sweet guy and deserves someone who realizes it and is just as caring. I wish the same for any of us who are single out there.

In The Light Of Day Or Dr. Jekyll And Ms. Hyde

For some reason I tend to make relationship and dating mistakes after the sun has gone down. Some part of me emerges and takes control or maybe some part of me disappears and I lose control and become more involved with my feelings rather than follow what my intellect knows is the best path.

I received a message from Pen-Pal and wouldn't you know he started calling himself that on his own. I don't think he reads this blog even though he did start using that term immediately after my post. I thought I had a handle on things because even though we were corresponding it was still through frumster. It is now obvious to me that things have gotten out of control; my control that is. Pen's most recent message from two nights ago is doing the "Well, what if you met someone and fell in love? Wouldn't you stay in Oz?" and the "Are you sure you have to relocate?" I didn't lead him on or maybe I'm not aware that I am. What I just realized (UH, DUH!!! ) is that any contact or messaging is encouraging. Another lesson learned. What number am I up to now???

What to do? Since it's the light of day and I making sure to write him NOW, I know I should just say "Thanks, but I don't think it would be fair to either of us." Just to let you know he and I already agreed on this point, but I guess it needs to be reiterated. It should be my mantra. He even admitted to previously having a long distance relationship, it didn't work out, and he was left very hurt.

It appears to me that some people including me find the need for romantic contact or rather want someone to love them that they will even start a relationship that's bound to end in heartache. BTW-present company is always excluded. I don't know all you guys well enough to speak for you or your actions. I feel responsible. Actually I'm not going to accept full blame he's also responsible it takes two to tango.

Am I just too afraid to go out with someone available to me that I start a relationship with someone who is unavailable? Yes, I know that I am not the one who is starting i.e. I don't e-mail someone after they tell me they are unable to move. I also don't contact someone again who I've already discovered they are gud (geographically undesirable).

There's just one more thing to add into this mix I am a big flirt and it feels good to know that someone is interested in me. Actually, it feels DAMN GOOD!!! I've missed that... I'm the type of person that will smile at the guy behind me in line, start a conversation in the refrigerated section about yogurts, or wink at the guy stuck next to me in traffic. BUT I also smile at other women and talk to them too. I like getting reflex smile from someone who then realizes what they've done and smiles even broader because it feels good.

Does anyone else out there find their inhibitions and control falter once the stars come out? I'm talking about this happening without any other substances i.e. alcohol.