A Visit

Mr. Rose is coming to Oz to have dinner with me. We talk everyday, and I've been getting to know him better as a person, friend and especially a man. He sent me more music and his understanding of who I am blows me away. He is kind and loving which is something that I have been searching for but there is so much strength and passion contained within him. I thought that I might have to forgo that.

Even if things don't work out between us, I have learned so much about myself from him.

But I think I just might want to give it a try.

btw-Tripped GOING UP the stairs to work yesterday. Everyone, including me, got a good laugh out of that one.

I Don't Just Talk In My Sleep

Y'all already know I talk in my sleep...

I'm tired from driving back to Oz last night. We got in early but then I felt the need to unpack everything and do some cleaning. That's what drinking coffee will do to me.

Feeling kind of hung over from the caffeine. I'm trying to get some work done on my computer, and I felt myself dozing off. I guess I'm not going to be able to work while sitting on my bed today.

Anyway, the next thing I know I'm nodding my head and opening my mouth to say, "OK, OK, I understand." I didn't get the words out because moving my head woke me up.

I wonder if I do anything else in my sleep. Oh, please! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to sleepwalking. Although, I have heard of people who have sex in their sleep. I don't mean the people like my ex who can put you to sleep while having sex because they're so bad. I'm talking about people who are actually sleeping and stay that way while having sex.

I'm trying to figure that one out, and I've got to say that sex must not be that great if they don't even wake up when...

Recognition

There's this man that I've seen around a couple of times. Actually, more than a couple.

The first time I saw him we both kind of did a double take. We most certainly did not know each other, but there was a connection, a recognition of something there. Of course, every time after that when we saw each other there was a silent understanding. I don't remember ever smiling at him, and I smile at everyone. Believe it or not there was never any flirting between the two of us. He never smiled at me either, but we always looked each other in the eye and knew.

He's younger than I am, but he's not a guy. He's a man. There's a way that he holds himself; a confidence, a surety. And I wasn't sure if he is/was married. I'm still not sure.

I saw him about a month ago. He came into the store, and there was that instant knowing. I looked up and saw that he was caught by surprise to find me working there. We didn't say anything to each other. I was busy helping other people. He walked around as if he didn't remember what he had come in to buy, and then he left.

Yesterday, he showed up in the store again, but it was empty. There were no other customers, and I was laughing with another employee. I looked up and there were his eyes looking down into mine. He smiled back and for the first time I spoke to him.

I helped him find what he was looking for and he joined in on the joking around. There was still an unspoken acknowledgement between us, and then he left. I did get to find out that he is intelligent and funny, but still not sure if he's married or not.

Laughing

I just got off the phone with Petey and I'm still giggling. Our conversation went from subject of divorce to phantom sex to the CIA to Bamba, and I actually got him to laugh too.

Life is much easier when you can laugh at things that are so horrible they are unbelievable. Personally I prefer to laugh at just about everything including myself (some of the things I do are pretty ridiculous).

Which reminds me, I got my gas cap stolen today while I was at work. No, I didn't get gas on my way to work and have the serviceman forget to put it on. I was walking to my car after work and saw the gas door open. I checked and my gas cap was gone. The funny thing about it was that my car was completely unlocked and they could have taken anything they wanted.

What is even better is that I left my keys in the ignition. They could have taken the whole car. I couldn't stop laughing as I was driving home. The thought came to me that they realized the gas cap was worth more than the whole car so why bother taking the rest of it. This made me laugh even harder.

I'm A Country Gal And It Was A Good Day

Sitting here watching the ACM's, that's the American Country Music Awards for you city folk, I'm a happy camper singing along and tapping the computer keyboard in time to the music. There's a big grin on my face. I've had a pretty good day, and I can't ask for anything more because the DB was with me for part of it smiling, shooting some hoops and even tangoing his mom across the gym floor without an ounce of embarrassment.

It's funny how other people pick up on how you're feeling. Well, with me it's kind of obvious. OK, it's almost unavoidable to know how I'm feeling if you're near me or even talking to me on the phone. It's also neat to see how people are attracted to you when you're happy.

I went to pick up dinner tonight and a guy who works there was ready to pay for it for me, not to mention a single homey from Kansas who was flirting with me while I was at work and trying to find out if I was divorced or dating anyone. Then there was the customer who told me I had a great smile and wanted to know what hours I was in the store.

And I got a bonus today, a bracha from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski for DB and he added on one for me too.

Earlier in the day, Bubbi was complaining of the noise her car was making. When I let her know it was just her muffler she told Zaidy that it was a little bit loose he asked, "How do you know?"

"CR told me."

"OK, we'll get it fixed," was what he replied, and it made Bubbi laugh because he didn't even question her once she told him that I was the one who diagnosed the problem.

It made me laugh too, when she told me. In case you haven't figured it out, Zaidy/Abba questions everything, and anything, and anyone's opinions. But not my judgement on car problems... too funny!

The bris was lots of fun and we had a huge family picture taken which didn't even include even 1/4 of the family, but still amounted to a whole bunch of people who love each other smiling next to one another.

OH! And when I got home from work Bubbi/Mom handed me a bag with some jewelry I had thought was lost forever; a signet ring, I got on my 16th birthday, my dad's watch that he got when graduating high school, he gave it to me when I did the same, plus some other pieces that had sentimental value. I have a ring on each hand right now, and it makes me feel so girly and fancy even with my fingernails that are bitten down to nothing.

All in all it was a good day.

Of course, the music and familiar accents just add even more to it. I hope you all had a good day too.

btw-how could I forget all the hugs and kisses from little ones and their parents.

No New Name

I like names, nicknames, middle names, Hebrew names. I've written about names before, and I'm really coming to see that what I've written is true with regard to people making up names for me. I've just started a new job, and already have several new nicknames. Obviously, I get along well with the people I work with and they feel the same.

It's funny because one of them said, "I was thinking of a name for you, and I've bet you've never been called ________." I had to tell him he was wrong and that in high school and then last year people called me that.

"OK, so how 'bout this? _______." Once again, I let him know that although people haven't been calling me by it lately, someone has already used that one.

I haven't heard him use my name since then so I imagine he's still trying to come up with something else. I'll keep you posted.

Being Me

I haven't really written anything deep, no, that's not the word... substantial, maybe, not sure... ummm, from my soul, possibly, but I think that's more than what I mean to say.

OK, for what it is, I haven't written any of the above in my posts lately. Most of those thoughts and feelings have been expressed in phone calls, or e-mails, to new friends and old. I've been extremely emotional. OK, I haven't really expressed that too much, but it's been there right below the surface. All it took was a few kind words and tears were in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. I thought that it was all because of a lack of sleep, but I'm not sure now.

I know that not getting enough sleep will skew my view of the world, and I will automatically become more emotional. Just fair warning for all of you out there. By emotional, I usually mean tears. The big fat ones that well up in your eyes and blur your vision before they coat your lashes and face to finally fall off your chin and form a big wet puddle on your shirt. The ones that you don't even bother trying to hide or wipe away. The ones that release the hurt in your chest into slow deep breathing leading to bone tired need to rest.

Let me just say that for all my joy of sex, and of being in the company of guys, and not acting like a regular prissy, sensitive girl, I'm still a woman... needing love. Ugh! This is just getting too maudlin and self-pitying. C'mon, really... this isn't me. I'm starting to smile and laugh as I write now. I'm being just a little, OK, OK, get off my case, more than a little ridiculous.

Silly me. Maybe it's because I've been really open and revealing and so have other people I've been in contact with. I try not to get to involved in other people's hurt, but it doesn't work too well. My heart aches when I hear of their heartaches. I know I should just leave it, but how can I when people I care about are in pain.

Yes, I noticed, back to being maudlin. ENOUGH!!

Let's move on to different things, like the fact that I started, and have continued cleaning up the apartment. YAY CR!!! WAY TO GO BUD!!!! That is really how I talk to myself. Actually, I've been trying not to talk to myself too often because then it turns into overthinking. Quick, let's change the subject before I get drawn in. Even the word has a pull on me.


I've escaped. HOORAY!! So let's have fun.

I never told y'all about the dream. Whew! What a dream. First some background. I dream in technicolor with sounds and smells, feelings, and touch. I will also notice when I'm dreaming that I'm having a continuation of a dream I've had before. Some of the continuations take place weeks, and yes, years after the original dream. I remember dreams that I had when I was about five or six.

Soooooo, back to Pierce Brosnan. This man couldn't have exuded more desire, strength, and confidence if I had imagined him. OK, I did imagine him. But still, he came on strong, very strong, and believe it or not in the dream I just wasn't interested. Please don't start yelling at me. It was a dream. If he had approached me like that in real life, I would have followed him anywhere.

Sorry y'all, just read what I wrote and realized I can't post it. That's about all that's going out to you guys. If you want to hear more e-mail me. It's not that it's not G rated. It's that it's NR, maybe or not really X, but... well, whatever it is. I'm not putting it out there for the whole world.

Now on to NN. Since I've had some time to rest. I slept about a total 19 hours from the time Shabbos started until after Shabbos. I needed it, obviously.

So now I can think clearly, well, as clearly as I can think. I haven't asked NN all the questions that I would usually ask someone that I would date for tachlis. That is aside from the relocating. I'm not really sure where his income is coming from. What he see's himself doing in the future? If he thinks it would be possible for me to work part time, so that I could be home with DB and hopefully future kids? What kind of school he would like children to attend? And some other heavy duty questions.

Maybe that's why I'm not sure how I feel. I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling until I know I'm on the same page as he is and vice versa. I don't want to get pulled into the emotional part, and that's a big pull for me. I'm trying to keep my eyes open.

Anyway, he reads my blog. So this is basically a cop out. I was going to ask him over the phone tonight but he's not available. I think he might have read the post I wrote about him on Friday and he's pulling back. I don't know. You know what! This is not necessarily a cop out. This is where I figure things out for myself so if he chooses to read it. UGH! That's so not fair of me to write. NOW that is the cop out, by trying to blame him for reading this. Sorry....

Anyway, it looks like we're not going out tonight, next week or even next Sat. night. So I don't know what to think. This dating thing is such a pain. But the truth is I like him. I want to get to know him better. I want to ask him questions even though I am a big wuss and get all nervous. I also want to go out with him. See, I'm copping out again. Why don't I just call him and tell him this? Maybe he doesn't realize.

I was going to start this paragraph with the word "anyway" but noticed the two above it. Instead I'm just going to say that I'm not too good with this relationship/dating thing. I'm trying. I just need some help. So anyone out there have any thoughts please feel free to let me know it might make things easier.... or at least I'll learn something. Hey, here comes those lessons again.

update: just remembered what NN had to do tonight, and that he has to be up early tomorrow.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be...

....light sleepers.




Babysitting today for the giggle baby. The one who loves to see me dance, and will just giggle at me for no reason. I laugh back and then we're off... cracking each other up. He's sweet, smart and absolutely beautiful. BUT the sad thing is he's a light sleeper. He's almost 1 1/2 and his parents go into him when he cries. His mom is trying now, but it's so much harder with an older child.





So he woke up less than halfway into his nap, and his mom doesn't want me to get him when he does that. I understand completely. I also understand that this is the reason I'm here and she's out. It's hard enough listening to someone else's baby cry let alone your own.

There's one thing that I would advise new parents or parents-to-be is to make sure that there is always noise of some sort when you put your newborn child to bed. It would also be to put your baby to sleep (in their crib) before they are asleep. That way you want have to suffer through the tears and heartache of getting your baby to learn to soothe himself to sleep. You also won't have to suffer through nights without rest for you and your child.

note: just re-read this post and it should say "That way you won't have to suffer through....." there's no way that I would mean that you want a baby to cry unneccesarily that's the point of this whole post. So the baby and you won't be crying.

Rambling Thoughts

I know I haven't written in awhile. I wanted to, but just really didn't have anything to say, or is it that I had something to say, but didn't really want to write... maybe a little of both combined with working and filling out forms and getting DB ready for school.

I finally decided to start typing and just see where it takes me. Wouldn't it be nice if it could take me to a new home (albeit not in Kansas) where everything is unpacked and I had room for all my documents to stay neat even as I went through them. I can see myself working on my appeal. I need to get that in motion. Yeah, yeah I know the decision still hasn't even been ordered yet, but I'm ready. This isn't a decision for relocation it's about the divorce and some monetary issues. It's a shame that in order for me to get my money I have to spend more on an appeal. At least I can do the appeal on my own. It's not usual to have argument time in civil appeal cases especially divorce ones.

Anyway I'm sure my appeal will be granted and either decided or sent back to the lower court with instructions. I know what case law I need to bring and I have all my exhibits including previous court orders that were not followed.

I just realized that I have to consider myself lucky that I know (I've learned along the way) that I should appeal and that I know how to do it. I can't imagine being one of those women who don't know that they could win their case in appeal thinking that the lower courts ruling is always upheld in appeal.

It's a shame that appeals are so expensive. They should have a waiver of fees and a way to have the appeal printed without costing hundreds of dollars. In civil court you can be declared a poor person and the fees to file are waived why isn't that the same in appeals court? Or maybe it is and I just don't know. Something to look into. Have to call the clerk at the appeals court tomorrow. It's not like they would be inundated by appeals maybe there would be a 40% increase in the beginning. But if the lower courts realized that their decisions are being scrutinized and overturned I'm sure that they would rule more according to case law, and then the appeals would decrease.

Major point-just because someone wants to appeal doesn't automatically mean they are given the right to do so and that is also a deterrent to frivolous cases.

Enough about law.... although, it's obviously on my mind.

I've also been thinking about dating. Actually about not dating. Just not interested... for a couple of reasons; most of the guys that I have met have something very off about them (present company always excluded) and by saying met, meaning corresponded with and spoken over the phone for the most part. I haven't gone on that many dates. WOW! It will be coming up on a year soon from the time that I first decided to get my act together and start dating.

Mr. Right is nowhere to be found and I don't think I would recognize him right now even if he was wearing a suit of shining armor, riding a white horse and swept me off my feet. I've got too many other things going on. Plus I'm just not a little disillusioned with you men, right now (don't make me say it again.... ok, ok, present company is always excluded!!!) Yup, I just realized that I wrote you men as opposed to men and then tried to cancel it with the present company thing. Think of it what you will...

I feel like a whining spoiled three year old who wants what she wants and wants it now! Ugh! What a horrible picture I painted of myself.....

Enough of feeling down... but I guess I need to get some of it out of my system. I haven't spoken to Gretel lately. She was away at camp for the summer and I haven't spoken to Doll either, and now that I think about it I owe another hardworking mom friend a call. I haven't decided what to call her in my blog.... she has such a great name to begin with. Let's see how about... ummmmm.... well, let's describe her and then maybe something will come to mind. She's very intelligent... she's told me her job and title several times and I still am not sure exactly what she does. She's kind, caring, loyal and is always there if I need her... I've got it True Blue. Thanks, Dan. TB for short... ok that doesn't look like it will fit I don't want to be reminded of tuberculosis when I think of her.

Just realized that I haven't been in much contact with any of my friends who are girls. I was too busy focusing on guys. I'm not going to let that happen in the future. I'm not sixteen anymore. I haven't been sixteen for quite some time now and I'm not going to let thoughts of kisses (and yes, sex) distract me from everything else in my life.

I'm gonna go now. Not even sure if I'm going to post this. It's just a lot of rambling...



btw-in case you didn't notice, decided to post it.... after all, I wrote it...

B'Sha'a Tova (In Good Time, At The Right Time)

Wonderful News delivered on my brother's b-day no less. I'm going to be an aunt again... for the seventh time. It's been about two years since the last boy was born. They're all boys and I'm jealous. Not in the way that I wish I could take this joy from them and give it to me, but in the way that I want to have more children too.

I've been thinking about that lately, and whether or not I will actually have the guts to get pregnant one day even if I'm not married. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married (at least I do today), but if it doesn't happen I don't want to lose the chance to have more children while waiting for Mr. Right (let's be realistic, Mr. Almost-Right).

I had a miserable pregnancy with DB and yes, I would suffer through it all over again. First there was the fear of miscarriage. The doctor didn't want to call my first visits (for DB) pregnancy visits until we were able to see the heartbeat and my blood levels were up. It's because of the mis that I had.

The doctor was doing the first ultrasound on my first pregnancy (before DB) and there was an empty sac. He was put on the spot and felt so bad telling us. Then stbx got tears in his eyes and I had to comfort him and make the doctor feel more at ease. This was during the eleventh week. I think I was in denial and shock. He asked me if I wanted to wait until it happened naturally and I immediately replied that if it wasn't a baby I wanted it out of me. I didn't want to feel pregnant if I wasn't. That was just too hard. So it was scheduled to take place less than a week. I also had the choice of having it done in the hospital or his office. Since the office could be scheduled quicker that's what I chose.

I was fine for the first few weeks after and then it hit.... and hard. The babies, the children, the families all ripped at my heart. One of the things that I had always known about myself was that I was born to be a mom. I have this connection with children and babies, and everyone who knows me agrees. Maybe it's their innocence and unconditional love.

Anyway, the job I had made it even harder. I saw children and pregnant women every day usually every hour. The fact that no one knew made it even harder. Stbx could've cared less, "Get over it. It happened weeks ago." I didn't even try to explain it to him. Useless to do so, and I was starting to recognize that. I did tell one co-worker when it was just too much one day and someone (actually most of the customers) had asked me when I was finally going to have a child. I smiled and turned away with tears in my eyes. I had to leave for awhile and I came back with the three dots that shape a triangle that I get on my upper right cheek near my eye whenever I cry.

It was a release to finally let someone else know. Of course, after I had DB and was talking to friends of mine and other new moms in the community I discovered that almost all of them had had miscarriages and that half of them had a miscarriage in their first pregnancy. WHOA!!! If only the doctor would've told me or if there was even an article about it at the mikva. Because you don't discuss this with people when you're trying... then they know you're trying and ask you how it's going. I would've felt hundreds of times better if I knew this. To this day I am still finding out about people having miscarriages on their first and second tries. I'm also finding out that it hurts just as much even when you already have two children.

Then there was the weight gain and morning sickness. I wasn't vomiting so I gained ninety (yes, nine zero) lbs. The only things I could eat were white bread, potato chips, noodles, sour cream, bologna and potatoes-white potatoes for the first 4 1/2 months. I couldn't sleep or stand because of the nausea and the only way to stop it was to actually be chewing and swallowing. I had to go into a separate room if people wanted to eat anything other than those items.

I also had amniocentesis done, but no one told me that most women experience cramping after it. That was scary. Then there was some bleeding and I was hospitalized and had to take it easy after that. Finally after 24 hours of labor, three of which involved pushing without an epidural and while on pitocin (it makes the contractions so much harder) and trying every possible position to get that baby out of me. I asked for a knife because I was ready to cut him out myself then and there. Don't mess with a woman in delivery. I felt a contraction coming and ORDERED the anesthesiologist to hold my foot so I could push. He just looked at me until I YELLED at him to "HOLD MY FOOT!!!" Then he couldn't move fast enough.

Finally after the c-section the darlin' boy was born, albeit with his skull rubbed raw from where he had been trying to get past my tailbone. It stayed that way for a week until it finally scabbed over. Back labor isn't fun for anyone involved.

Anyway... I forgot what I was writing about... Oh! Wanting more kids... HA! Even after all that and a couple months of colic, I do... I really do want to have more children. I have so much love to give and share. I used to feel bad that DB didn't have a sibling to go through this horrible divorce with, but if he had who knows if I would've been able to help him as much and to discover his learning issues.

btw - DB is extremely bright and I don't want to just focus on his weaknesses like reading and writing. I want to also push his strengths... any type of reasoning, logic, spatial etc. Anyone have any ideas how to do this??? I'll probably have to get some more books, and do some more reading to figure out how to work on this.

Weird

Chassidish didn't call before Shabbos, after Shabbos or today at anytime. I tried to reach him before Shabbos, but his voice mail was full and I wasn't going to call for forever. Anyway we were supposed to get together tonight after I went to the mikvah. I didn't try and call him today because I knew he'd be traveling from the mountains and then working.

I told myself that if I didn't hear from him by 5:30 p.m. I wasn't going to go to the mikva. That way I wouldn't be able to or rather it would help keep me from seeing him because I knew nothing could take place. I didn't want to see him if he called after 5:30 p.m. BECAUSE I didn't want him to think that I'm available whenever he wants. I'm not. If you want to be with me/spend time with me/have csbf then call me and act like a friend. I don't need mushy cards or anything but.....

This is why I am sitting here at home typing instead of with him completely blowing his mind. His loss... of course, it's mine too especially considering that I was really looking forward to some hot and sweaty sex... Anyway, I imagine that I'm not going to hear from him again. Anyone wanna make a bet????

Unto bigger and better things. I should have made the date with Confused Guy for tonight. It's just as well because I worked today and I'm working tomorrow with this gorgeous baby whose laughter is contagious. He feels the same way... sometimes we just giggle at each other.

Teen has been calling me a lot and calling me sweetie and honey. He even went as far as inviting me to a wedding with him at the end of August. No, I wasn't leading him on. What's the deal with men... don't they have any idea of a middle ground. The more I talk to Teen the more I realize he's not for me. He might a good deal older than I am, but there is just some immaturity to him. It's a shame because he has tattoos that he got when he was younger and rebelling. I find tattoos on a man extremely sexy. Don't ask me why? I just do. Actually one or two is enough for me, more and I find it.... not as attractive.

Another hot thing about him is that he speaks several languages including French and Italian. Maybe you remember the movie A Fish Called Wanda (one of my favorites) and how Jamie Lee Curtis went crazy over foreign languages. Voices and languages are definitely turn ons for me.

Teen was supposed to call at 11:30 p.m. and I haven't heard from him. This is hysterical. It must be why I used to call guys and ask them out before they ever had the chance to contact me. Are guys just too scared?? Any of you out there willing to answer? If you are with (as in married, engaged or dating) someone who asked whom out first or who initiated the relationship?

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Most definitely not G rated:
But definitely entertaining

Sooooo sooooooo much has been going on this week, and I haven't had that much time to write about it. Here goes...

1) I drove back and forth to Kansas three times in three days if I've counted it right. My brain is just a little fried from being so tired. And I'm so tired because on Monday I moved a dining room set, credenza and another table out of my great-uncle's non-air conditioned house. Yes, it was about 99 degrees without the heat index. So I took everything a part and actually moved the credenza myself on a dolly. My dad helped me tilt it into the truck so I could pull it up and put it in.

Then I drove the truck back to Oz, and unloaded everything. I did get a little help with the top of the dining room table. I'm a little achy now from all the hard work. And I still need to screw everything back together. But at least I unpacked.

2) Chassidish came over last night and we behaved ourselves... as difficult as it was. He stayed awhile so I didn't get to sleep until late

3) The night before that when I was in Kansas I spent a long time sending messages back and forth to Confused Guy (named by rebel with a cause) who doesn't seem so confused anymore and Teen. I'm calling him that because even though he's a little older (Bud thinks he may be too old for me) he acts and talks young. I don't mean immature, just young and full of life.

4) Someone from Frumster contacted me. Not what you're thinking... someone who works for Frumster. He said that he read my blog and would I let him know my identity. It made me feel like a spy. I told him no and asked why. He wanted to get my input about Frumster and any suggestions I might have. I sent him some and if any of you out there have specific things you want added or changed let me know and I'll pass it along.

But really, after writing about what happened with Bud and now Chassidish did he really think I was going to tell him who I was. He probably would have had me kicked off of Frumster. Do they actually do that?

5) I was also up late this past week working on the trial. Of course, the dates have been changed and there isn't even going to be a pre-trial conference tomorrow. C'est la vie. What can I do? Nothing, so I've chosen not to worry about it and instead take care of the baby again tomorrow.

Now for the unbelievable story.....
I got a phone call last night from a guy I know through frumster. No, I am most definitely not saying who it is because of what he asked. Ok, ok, I'll tell you what he asked... He prefaced it by stating that he never wanted me to speak of it again after our conversation. My ears really perked up then. I answered, "of course" and was quiet waiting for the bomb to drop.

AND THEN IT DID!!! OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH!! OMIGOSH!!!!

He said "How would you like to come out with me tonight to a 'couple's club'?" Then there was silence. I think he wanted to let it sink in. At first I wasn't sure what he meant, but since he was still quiet I realized that it was what I thought it was.... a swinger's club.

HOLY MOLEY!!!! ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN' UNBELIEVABLE!!! WHOA!!!!!

I didn't know if I should be insulted or not. Then I started thinking about it.... I was curious. C'mon I'm sure that you've all heard of these things going on, but have never been a part of it or known where it was taking place.

Anyway, he broke first and said "Did you understand me?"
"I sure did. What the hell are you thinking??" and then I cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. My stomach started to hurt I was laughing sooo hard. It takes a lot to insult me. Well, obviously.
When I finally started to get quiet he asked me if I would be willing to go. The curiosity really started to get to me. I have this unsatiable desire to find out and learn and see new things and ideas. I really did seriously contemplate it. No, I wasn't going to participate. I just wanted to see for myself. I mean really, it would have made a great story.

But two things prevented me from going: Chassidish was already on his way over, and I didn't feel comfortable going with this guy (the one who asked me, not Chassidish) in particular. Soooo the answer was no. But if he ever asks again.......

I'm supposed to talk to CG and Teen tonight. We'll see how it goes. btw- both are willing to relocate.

Happy News:
Pen went out this week with a really nice girl and they got along great. We've been staying in touch mostly by e-mail and talking about our different dates. There's no flirting going on which makes it easy and comfortable. I'm sooooo happy for him. He's a sweet guy and deserves someone who realizes it and is just as caring. I wish the same for any of us who are single out there.

A Little Break

It's the last day of school!!!! We made it through the year!!!! Leaving Oz and away to Kansas we go for a long weekend or maybe even a week. Bike riding, swimming, maybe strawberry picking, sailing, planting, pruning, catching lightning bugs, science museum, and possibly a state fair, definitely fishing and a state park. Boy, doesn't that sound relaxing. Maybe not relaxing, but tons of fun.

And then three dates with three different guys to look forward to when I come back. WHOA!!!

PLUS!!!!!!! I finished paperwork for the forensic and am dropping it all off today. There won't be anything hanging over my head. Absolutely fantastic. Thank you, Hashem!!!

People Person or Trying To Avoid Working

I have come to the conclusion that I am a people person. I can almost hear everyone I know saying "No duh, CR." But I don't mean that I get along well with people or even that I like people. I need people. In order for me to be happy. I need people to talk with, to smile at or just to say thank you to after they give me my change. It makes me feel good, alive, and puts a bounce in my step. I literally mean a bounce in my step. I've been told that's the way I walk.

Being inside working the whole day has really gotten to me, and yes, I'm still wearing what I slept in. Sorry guys, nothing frilly just my ducky pajama bottoms and a big old NYFD t-shirt. I want to be dressed, outside, feeling the sun on my back and the wind in my face. I'm sick of doing paperwork. I've barely left my room if only to go and get more papers from the living room. I'm highlighting and gathering all the documents that I think are necessary for the forensic psychologist to see before he makes his decision about relocation.

Obviously I needed a break and some time to kvetch, cry, bitch, groan and feel sorry for myself. Almost done just a few more sentences.

While I was working I had a movie "Stranger Than Fiction" on and now I have that pull to have someone in my life. Someone to kvetch to, to spend time with, to kiss.... Keep me away from Frumster. I don't have the time to go out with anyone now. OH! Forgot to keep you updated on the dating. Denver is still in the picture probably because he doesn't call everyday, and doesn't keep me on the phone too long. Up until last week he also hadn't mentioned us actually getting together. He's very busy himself with quarterly reports and all that junk. BUT he wants to meet me. UGH!! Can you believe I just wrote UGH!!? What is wrong with me?!?!? Wasn't I just writing about wanting someone in my life. What I really want is someone without any strings attached. A friend that I can care for and play with, but that I don't need to worry about things going any farther. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and being nervous about meeting someone and making inane boring conversation. Not that I don't like getting dressed up. I do. But right now is not a good time. I don't want to have to worry about what someone thinks of me. I just want a friend... a bud.

No, it can't be Bud he's a little busy with someone new. She sounds great and he sounds so sweet when he talks about her. It also can't be some of the guys on Frumster because I know that they are looking for more and I don't want to lead anyone on. Although, there are two younger guys who contact me every so often. They're cute, have some brains, and would love to get together. But can I really get together with someone who's ten years or 15 years younger than I am? I do have friends of all ages. I mean ALL ages... from 86-21. I'm also aware that these younger guys just have one thing on their minds and they think that an older woman can't wait to get her hands.... not gonna finish that thought.... But just because they think that doesn't mean that it will happen.... although, if they catch me at the right moment.... Noooooooooooo.... well, maybe just some fooling around.

Have you noticed that I kind of sidestepped talking about Denver? This is the thing. I feel like he's nervous sometimes and laughs a little too long and then I start to feel uncomfortable. I also don't feel attracted to him. But maybe that's good then I can concentrate on who he is and how he treats people. But still, I can't see going out with someone I'm not attracted too. Maybe because he has everything going for him that I want I am preventing myself from being attracted to him. Because then things would have to move forward and I don't know if I want to get married again... at all. Awww Hell!!

What I want is a friend/boyfriend with all the benefits, but none of the permanent attachments. Or maybe I do want someone to get old with. ENOUGH!!!!!!

See I kinda changed the subject from Denver again. Anyway, he is coming into Oz this weekend, but I will be in Kansas for Mother's Day. Big Barbecue at my mom's every year, and there's no way I want to stay in Oz when I have the opportunity to be surrounded by my family and friends. Denver had also mentioned coming into Oz right after Shavuos, but I don't want to spend Memorial Day weekend with him. I can have a full week in Kansas instead. Maybe he'll come to Kansas, but truthfully I don't want him too.

OK, here's another reason not to want to go out with Denver... when I mentioned the Mother's day barbecue we were joking that he could come down to Kansas for it and meet my whole family. He said jokingly that he doesn't even like those things after he's engaged. What does that mean? Hey, I'm moving to Kansas to spend time with my family.... definitely not every minute so calm down... I'm not tied to them, but my family loves to get together and we all do sometimes spontaneously at someone's house, or pool or for a day trip hiking and to the beach. Anyone who comes into my family will be accepted as part of the family and I would like them to accept my family also.

Enough overthinking, Oh! But I forgot to mention that I will feel bad if Denver spends his money on a ticket to Oz and then I discover that without a doubt I'm not attracted to him. The funniest thing is that he's good looking, intelligent... very intelligent, caring.... STOP ALREADY!!!

Anyone have the idea that I am putting off getting back to these piles of papers on my floor? Excuse any grammatical errors or whatever, but if I re-read what I wrote then I'll just end up writing more.

Hey! Almost forgot. Happy Lag B'Omer!!!!

Not Anytime Soon

I just got off the phone with Gretel. It's not her real name, but a nickname I've called her since we've been eight. She's now a rebbetzin with 9 beautiful children, and one of my best friends. I don't get to see her often because she lives in Boston, teaches and is a part-time cpa, not to mention starting her own business, and doing some catering on the side. There are times when we will go months without talking. But we always pick up right where we left off without any hesitation or awkwardness. Gretel's thoughts especially with regard to me are sound and correct. I value her opinion even if I don't necessarily follow it because she always has my best interests at heart. She's my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my mirror. I don't know what I would do without her.

Well, yes I do know. I wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out what is going on between Charm and me, and what to do about it. You see, I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will be moving to "Kansas" this summer. After becoming entangled in this system for over 6 years I have learned that things don't always happen the way they should according to case law etc.... If they did I could say with certainty that I would be moving. It also appears that even though we were supposed to have a trial regarding relocation at the end of May it will not take place then. The forensic psychologist informed me today that even if she started the evaluation this afternoon it would not be complete for at least 8-10 weeks. Kind of took me by surprise.

You would think that nothing regarding this mess could do that to me anymore. I am also the only party who has contacted her. So now I am the one responsible for getting her the court order of appointment which details who is responsible to pay for her services. It feels like the whole system has the mentality of the stbx in thinking that if they ignore something it will take care of itself and/or cease to exist. It's hard to take care of these matters and face things when no one else including your attorney is helping you. All I want is to go on with my life and take care of myself and my son. I believe that the best possible way for this to take place would be for me to relocate with DB to Kansas.

There are numerous reasons why I want to go back home to "Kansas." My brother and his family live in Eretz Yisrael, and my parents are divorced so when my parents get sick I take care of them. I deal with their doctors etc.... My parents are usually healthy, but they are getting older and my dad suffers from a chronic condition that periodically flares up.

I now understand what people say when you save a life you are responsible for it, for the person. I feel that way about my dad. Around 17 years ago after my father had an operation and was brought back to his room in the hospital I noticed that his breathing was slowing and told the nurse. She told me to count his breaths and keep track of it. When my father's breathing continued to slow I had to get on her case to call a resident. My father was given a shot (narcan, to get the painkiller out of his system) and then the doctor told me to keep track of my father's breathing. Before they came back to check on my dad I had to call the nurse again and tell her that his breathing was slowing down dramatically. They gave him another shot of narcan and when that didn't work transferred him to ccu. If I had not stayed the night...

The same thing took place this past Succos after first days of Yontif. My dad was in the emergency room and my aunt had left, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving my dad alone even though he was feeling better. His breathing slowed and once again I was the one who noticed and had to tell the nurse and doctor. They were in the process of transferring him to a room and then turned him around and kept him in emergency. The narcan worked this time, but I stayed the whole night again.

Another reason to move to "Kansas" is DB and the loving attention he would receive from all our family members. A HUGE, major point is this school that I saw. DB would get the help he so desperately needs and wants. I haven't found a school like it up here in Oz. A frum school that is able to teach him in a multi-sensory fashion, and give him the basic skills, but at the level he needs to keep him intellectually stimulated.

There's also a school that I would like to attend about an hour away from Kansas. Because of the the immersion in the language my ASL (American Sign Language) skills would improve and my certification for interpretation could be finished must faster than if I stayed here in Oz. I'm seriously considering going into special ed. and deaf studies. I love kids and have experienced first hand the frustration they experience due to learning disabilities, i.e. DB. Showing them they are capable of learning would be extremely rewarding. This would mean more school for me, but I don't think I mind especially if I was in school in Kansas.

Plus not having to worry about babysitters... like paying them or being concerned about them showing up, let alone showing up on time would be a load off my mind and wouldn't put a dent in my wallet. There are enough cousins, aunts and uncles who love to spend time with DB that they would be fighting over who gets to stay with him even while he sleeps. We have about 200 family members not to mention close friends who are included as part of the family. I could work while DB was in school and earn more money than I do right now.

Contagious Kids

Well, that's what I get for working with kids. Colds.... I've got a real doozy now. I like that word "doozy." It sounds funny... no, it doesn't remind me of doody although it did just now... DB's thought patterns are rubbing off on me. But it sounds like a little old lady... Nope, changed my mind it sounds like a little old man word. A picture of a porch outside a general store in the country with old men in plaid shirts on rocking chairs nodding their heads hello to whoever goes in to shop. Every so often they re-tell a story that's been told so many times they don't know which one of them it happened to anymore. And in that story preceded by the words, "Boy, that was a" is the word doozy, followed by the words "of a _________"

Doozy, Suzy, Kabloozy, woozy.......... ok, this head cold is really getting to me!!! Like my brain is off one another track. My eyes feel hot... actually it's my eyelids that feel hot.

Enough already, back to the post... what was I writing about anyway? Oh, the fact that I haven't even felt well enough to write the past couple of days and so much has been going on.

But first, I have noticed that after spending time with the children I've been caring for I am sick within 48 hours. DB is eight so Thank G-d, Boruch Hashem, Bli Ayin Horah, poo poo poo... we're past the time when there was maybe one day of reprieve and health before he came home from school with another runny nose, cough, pink eye, etc. I guess I just forgot that I could be susceptible to illness. Hey!!! I'm a mom. We don't get sick, or if we do it doesn't really matter if we are because we're still responsible for taking care of everyone and everything.

Enough about being sick already.... Not really kvetching just surprised to be sick again and it got me thinking. But what doesn't get me thinking?

Have to stop writing I need to go grab another box of tissues and a cup of tea.... btw why is doozy coming up on the spell check?

Just Very Busy

I'm a little annoyed I wrote this post before I left Kansas and completely lost it on the computer at my mom's. This is what I remembered.

I haven't written lately because I've been so busy. Here's a synopsis of what's been going on this past week....

DB and I went to Kansas for Purim late Sat. night and had a blast. We saw friends and family and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing... even without alcohol. Then drove back to Oz late Sunday night. Saw Charm Monday.... I was looking forward to his visit even though I was exhausted and had seen him on Friday. The next day was spent taking care of a beautiful 4 year old little boy with dark hair and a bowl cut. His brown eyes and dimple on his left cheek make him hard to resist. Even though he 's low on the autistic spectrum, I'm exhausted after spending a few hours with him. That probably comes from chasing him around in circles through the kitchen, dining room and living room while I'm pushing a toy lawnmower. Definitely a sight to see, but worth it when he falls on the floor giggling. When I ask him whether he thinks I like him a little or a lot. He responds with "A LOT!" and he's absolutely right.

That night I got very sick and couldn't function for a couple of days. I found out later that there was this neurovirus (don't know if that's the correct spelling) going around Jersey. I finally felt well enough to go back down to Kansas for Shabbos. I gave a little old man a ride to shul and then passed out before hearing kiddush. Probably still recuperating...

Today I visited this amazing, fantastic, caring school. It is most definitely the right place for DB. I just hope and pray that we will be able to relocate. The grounds are near a stable and the kids ride and groom the horses. There's a pond (frogs included) a zip line and rock wall to climb. It looks like so much fun. I want to go. AND they are taught all the basics and don't proceed to a new skill until the first one is completely mastered. All the therapies are included and the ratio is 1:5, but most of the time 1:2. Wow!

Tonight or rather last night since it's almost 6 a.m. I drove back to Oz again. I had to pack up the car, the cat, and the kid. I know I'm going to be feeling it later this week, but I really needed the caffeine and once I got in I couldn't go to sleep. I'm sure that within the next two weeks I will have little time to sleep. Hopefully some of that will be because I will spend some time with Charm. Can't get enough of the man......

I'll write more later... I have several posts that I am in the middle of and I want to respond to some that people have written. I might do that now or maybe I'll just workout. Who am I kidding?