Empty Seat

There's an empty seat next to mine

filled on occasion

with dreams of

laughter

love

tears

and anger

but most importantly

hope

for the man who might

sit next to me

Still Awake And Not Kvetchy

I got it out of my system and feel better now. Don't need to think about what if's with Blondie can just enjoy him for whatever it is.

I wonder how people who read my blog view me. I use my blog to let off steam and to get rid of any emotions holding me down or making me sad. I'm not usually kvetchy and try not to complain in the "real world." It's just not that much fun to do or to be around even if you're the one doing it. I would much rather laugh than cry. I use my blog to help me sort through my feelings, my thoughts (too many of them) and my responsibilities.

I don't think that I'm like what I write all the time. Well, who is? But I do think that I write as I am, not holding back... so you guys get what's going on with me in real time. But I've learned that things are not always as desperate, sad, horrible as they might appear for the first five, ten minutes, hours and rarely days.

Moving on to more laughter and smiles and sex. After all, tomorrow is another day

Rambling Reasons Why AND Growing Older And Growing Up

Well, my last post certainly got some interesting comments and instead of replying to them individually I thought that I would do so here. First and foremost I cannot and will not have sex with someone who I cannot connect with in several important areas. I have to be physically attracted to them... no duh, CR. But I also have to be attracted to their personality. A great looking body alone just doesn't do it for me. You might find it hard to believe but a man's mind and ability to make me laugh does so much more for me than his body (even if it's his body that I ultimately want him for) It doesn't have to make sense to you... it's just the way I am. I just reread that body sentence and it didn't sound completely right.

I don't want someone just for their body. I want the whole person and I would love to have that with one individual for the rest of my life. I just really don't see that happening. Sooooooo.... I will enjoy what I can have friendship, laughter, without the long time commitment.


There are some men it is easier for me to fool around with. What I mean is that it's not a problem for me to have fun and run. What I really mean is that I don't even want a long time relationship with them. Nope what I am trying to say is that I don't crush on them. Meaning I don't think of possibilities or if onlys. It is friendship and sex. I like csbf as a term much better that friends with benefits maybe because I grew up with it or maybe that casual sex between friends means something shared with a friend. Friends with benefits implies (to me that is) that your in a friendship for the benefits.

The more a man exhibits possibilities the more that I cannot just fool around for the sake of mutual enjoyment. My heart starts to get involved. Ugh! My heart... it drives me bonkers...

I'm completely rambling and I don't think I'm responding to any of the comments


ok let me try again... I do believe that these men do care for me as a good friend. Actually I have to view them as a friend before I could enjoy being with them. That connection again...

I wasn't hurt with what happened with Chassidish it's just that I thought that it was funny that he thought he had to run away without just saying I had fun and it was nice but it's done with. I can deal with goodbyes. I'm a big girl or I will be tomorrow. It's my b-day and I'll be thirty-something.

I think that's why I've been feeling down... no, not down, resigned that's the word I was looking for. Resigned to my life. I think that once I truly adjust to it... I can then relax and enjoy it more. It's hard to like what you have when you always want more.


So I need to stop wanting more. Yeah, like that's going to work, I will always want the man with whom I can live the rest of my life, but I've got to be realistic too. And my son's mental, physical, and emotional well-being come way before anything that I might want. I can relate to Tom, Jack's friend, but I know what comes first as opposed to his confusion and conflict. It's easier when it's a matter of safety as opposed to just difficulty it's much easier to make a decision. Yeah, but just try living with it.

I wrote the above earlier today before I talked to Blondie. Ya see, Blondie reads my blog so it's been kind of difficult... well, I haven't been able to write everything I wanted to until now that is. I've been crushing on Blondie. I didn't plan on it. I didn't know or want to start looking at him in a different way.. that there could be a possibility of.... that he has potential (always hated that word, heard it too much from the teachers at school). I was over at Mamasita's helping her get ready for yontif (and talking to her about how much fun Blondie is) when I took a break to call him. Anyhow we started speaking about other things tonight, his kids, frumkeit and then ... he mentioned that he feels the need to distance himself. Funny thing is that I had just said the exact same words to Bud an hour earlier. Of course, Bud mentioned that I have a tendency to crush on guys but.... I didn't feel that way about Chassidish.

It was very brave and honest of Blondie to come out and tell me what's going on with him and of course I reciprocated. I really respect the man. If only he could have been a good lay and that's all. And I told him that too (those exact words as a matter of fact). And he makes me laugh even while talking about it... So what to do.... and he asked and I didn't really want to make a decision and yes, for the fifteenth time I know that not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. He didn't push for one. We left things and said goodnight.

Mamasita looked at my face and asked what was going on. I'm an open book and I know it. I told her and then I got the shmooze. Why it might be best for DB to have a happy mom rather than to relocate. I wanted her to shut up, but I know she's partially right, and that's the kicker there's right on both sides. It's hard enough for me to make a decision about what to wear on a date let alone this stuff. Oh, I just wanted to listen to her and forget. Forget DB's pain, forget the fact that my bro is in Israel so I take care of my parents in Kansas, forget that I could once again be stuck somewhere without my family and have things go all to pieces....

I WANT!!!!! I want to be free.... but I'm a mom.... a confused one but still a mom. That's when I got the call to go pick DB up from his friend's house. He was trying to sleep over, but was just too anxious and scared. I drove over there with tears in my eyes and then swallowed them down. He can't even fall asleep at a friend's house and here I am thinking of keeping him in the place and with the father that makes him feel this way.

But I still wanted to call Blondie and say "hey, what the F... let's try and see where things will take us." He's... but I didn't. I thought some more of Tom and felt horrible for what I wrote earlier (above) in my post.

Anyway... I think I should just stop dating. The possibility of feeling for someone and then having to realize that DB comes first is just heartbreaking. I believe that as a mom DB comes first. Not all the time because then that wouldn't mean being a good mom. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of him and that includes my being happy but....

I don't want to distance myself I'm willing to go through the hurt if it comes, but Blondie doesn't want to and doesn't need to and I respect that. I really should call Gretel, but if I do I'm afraid that she would say the same thing as Mamasita. I told Mamasita jokingly that I didn't want to hear what she was saying and it was only making things more difficult for me. She said that as a friend she felt she needed to say it.

Worst of all I've been hearing all these different love songs on the radio today, and my b-day is tom. Nope my b-day is now... could I feel any sorrier for myself. UGH! CR get real, you're alive and have a beautiful boy who's smile makes your heart fill. Time to grow up and deal.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, but I... Oh, forget it! Let me just end this post now.

songs I heard today
Delilah, plain white tees
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers
Bubbly, Colbie Callait
Born To Run, Bruce Springsteen
Do It Anyway, Martina Mcbride
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Crazy Love, Van Morrison

note: this is a big b-day and could be why I'm rambling and feeling all these things...

btw-did answer the comments on my last post individually

Please Hold...

So much to say (I'm in the middle of three posts) and just so tired... haven't gone to sleep yet (from last night). Drove back from Kansas last night and had some coffee. Sooo I didn't sleep.... too wired. I was going to take a nap this afternoon, but a friend stopped by (not Blondie). I hadn't seen him in awhile and well, he looks great... Then I read PL's post and followed his link to shidduch greiper.

I have to say that right now (meaning this exact moment because everything is subject to change) I am not interested in getting married. I don't know if I can really trust someone enough to make myself that vulnerable or maybe because it doesn't look like it will happen so it's a case of sour grapes. Whatever the reason(s) I have chosen to enjoy being single. I will laugh, date, flirt, kiss, and have mega fun (safe fun).

I can't live my life without touch... fingers intertwined, my head resting on a strong shoulder, soft sweet kisses and strong deep passionate ones that take my breath away. I want to feel alive and not like my life is on hold waiting for Mr. Right, and yes, gosh darn it I like sex and lots of it!!!

HOLY MOLEY!!!

Went over to Blondie's last night... 'nough said

Smooth Jazz And Smooth Moves

So much going on this week that I haven't had time to write about my Sat. night with Blondie. I wasn't sure that we were going to be able to go out. Ya see, I had the feeling that the reason Blondie hadn't asked me out for Sat. night was because he thought that I was going to be in Kansas with DB. Well, I wasn't. So since he didn't ask me, I asked him, and I wasn't the least bit nervous. Whoa, I just feel so comfortable with him. Right before yontif we were talking on the phone and laughing and I asked him what he was doing motzei shabbos. He wasn't sure if he could get a sitter for his kids so things were up in the air, but he did want to go to The Village. His parents were able to help out and Blondie picked me up at about 11 pm. No, I wasn't ready. Nothing unusual about that. I had to finish putting on my makeup. He came in and watched me, and then proceeded to distract me by....

Anyway we did eventually leave my apt. and head to The Village. We almost didn't make it out of the car. WOW!!! His kisses are mind blowing. Anyway, Blondie took me to this great jazz club and we heard some really talented musicians play. I found out later that one of them was Israeli. We sat close together and it was dark and intimate not more than fifty people. The musicians were less than 15 feet from us and we were sitting four rows back. We both had a drink and Blondie couldn't keep his hands off me. Absolutely, delicious. He mentioned that he was starting to enjoy the music and then I was confused because it was his idea to go there. He told me that I mentioned I like jazz to him. I don't even remember saying it and he did! MAJOR POINTS!!!!! Plus he was still opening the car door for me. This guy is just.... well, he's just....

We left before the first set was finished which was very wise on Blondie's part. The last time I was in The Village listening to music I almost went home with a member or two of the band. The guy I was with managed to drag me out before I did. Obviously, I like musicians. Ok, ok, I like men, but I especially like musicians and creative men. Anyway, I'm not sure if Blondie was aware but the guitarist was looking at me every once in awhile. I'm so proud of myself because I didn't make eyes or flirt back. I was just having such a good time with Blondie.

So we left and walked around the Village for maybe an hour looking at people and into store windows. I was so happy and relaxed. It was a beautiful night and we could see the stars above. Every once in awhile Blondie would stop and take my breath away with an amazing kiss. What more could I ask for?

We went back to my place and said good night for awhile... a looong while.

The next day I wanted to see if the guitarist had any cd's out, but I didn't even know his name. So I googled Smalls, the jazz club we went to, and found their my space page. His picture was on it. I clicked the link and and found out that he did have music out. Since his e-mail addy was there I wrote him a quick note to let him know how much I enjoyed his playing, fluid and lyrical poetry. I didn't expect an answer back. REALLY!!! I didn't. But, he wrote that I should've "come up and introduced myself!" (The exclamation point was his.) He was also surprised that I was able to find his addy. There hasn't been any more communication, but as I said I do like musicians and he is a very talented one.

BUT I am also busy enough, AND having a great time with Blondie. Hey! It's not like Blondie wasn't checking out all the skimpily clad females walking by.

More Great News!!

Shmellen my friend and sort of relative is due soon. Of course, I just found out yesterday. You see, just because I'm close with someone doesn't necessarily mean that we speak every day. We haven't spoken for about 4 months, but we picked up right where we left off.

Anyway her news absolutely and completely made my day yesterday. I'm so excited!!!!! I'm going to pick her up from work today and give her a lot of my baby and child care books including Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Baby. She's going to need her sleep since she will be raising the baby alone. Yup, Shmellen is having the baby without being married and without the baby's dad being involved. No, it was not an accident. She planned it out, and asked shailas and her brother started learning about it for her (halacha wise).

I'm soooooo excited. I already called that I get to babysit, and that the baby will call me Aunt CR. I'm also sooo impressed and blown away, by her guts. Shmellen is my age and she didn't want to wait anymore. I know how she feels. I have been thinking about having another baby for quite some time, and DB has been asking since forever. Of course, I'm not in a financial position to do so. Still, I started reading about the halachos, because I don't know if I will ever get re-married. I would most definitely like to meet Mr. Right and have a big happy family, but that might not happen. Actually, I vacillate between wanting to get married and live my life without a husband. Notice that I didn't write man because there would be no way for me to give up men, but I think that y'all know that already.

Unbelievable News!!!!

Drum roll please....... after many years in the court system and I'm sure more to go on other issues I still have wonderful news I would like to share with the whole world.

I am now legally divorced. Thank you Hashem.

It is _____ years to the day that I got my get. Talk about a miracle.

I wish the same freedom for any person out there who is waiting for their divorce and most especially for all the women out there who are waiting for their get. I hope it comes very very quickly and easily.

Just wanted to let y'all know as soon as I did. Gotta go pick up the darlin' boy.... more later.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be...

....light sleepers.




Babysitting today for the giggle baby. The one who loves to see me dance, and will just giggle at me for no reason. I laugh back and then we're off... cracking each other up. He's sweet, smart and absolutely beautiful. BUT the sad thing is he's a light sleeper. He's almost 1 1/2 and his parents go into him when he cries. His mom is trying now, but it's so much harder with an older child.





So he woke up less than halfway into his nap, and his mom doesn't want me to get him when he does that. I understand completely. I also understand that this is the reason I'm here and she's out. It's hard enough listening to someone else's baby cry let alone your own.

There's one thing that I would advise new parents or parents-to-be is to make sure that there is always noise of some sort when you put your newborn child to bed. It would also be to put your baby to sleep (in their crib) before they are asleep. That way you want have to suffer through the tears and heartache of getting your baby to learn to soothe himself to sleep. You also won't have to suffer through nights without rest for you and your child.

note: just re-read this post and it should say "That way you won't have to suffer through....." there's no way that I would mean that you want a baby to cry unneccesarily that's the point of this whole post. So the baby and you won't be crying.

Happy New Year!

I just wanted to wish everyone and their family a wonderful, healthy, happy new year. I know that this past year was improved significantly for me once I started blogging. It's been a creative and emotional outlet for me, BUT best of all I've met YOU! Yes, all you guys out there interested and caring have most definitely added to my life. Thank You.

I also wanted to ask for mechila from anyone I might have hurt in any way. I'm sorry.

Kesiva v'chasima tova

Candyland

lost in a candyland of desire

hot chocolate kisses with marshmallow tongues intertwined

rich and sweet filling my craving

spicy looks of licorice eyes and hands sticky from cotton candy bodies combine with jawbreaker intensity

candy apple temptations lead to heart pounding sugar rushes satiated with the tart lemonade of love

while the bursting of bubble gum dreams

wakens my sugar-coated sleep to vanilla days

This Weekend

Warning: Not G-Rated

I spent this past weekend with a fellow blogger that I had never met before (we spoke over the phone, though ) and had a great time. No kids, no men but plenty of talk about both. We had planned to get to sleep early Friday night, but it didn't quite work out that way because we couldn't shut up. OK, OK, I couldn't shut up.... about sex. It was like I was 16 again, my parents were out of town, some friends of mine were staying over, and there was such a sense of freedom. We giggled and talked even while we were falling asleep.

Shabbos day was more of the same, and then we both passed out and slept for most of the afternoon. Then came Sat. night and Blondie (I mentioned him and his blue eyes in passing a couple posts ago). He knew that I was going to be near him for the weekend, but no definite plans were made.

First a few pieces of information... Blondie, divorced dad of two girls, and I had been corresponding for awhile with some flirting, but neither of us really did anything about it. Then I had a dream about him except he had dark hair and dark eyes, which is not the case at all. I wrote to him about it without any details just the fact that it took place and the next thing I knew we were im'ing until 2 in the morning. We exchanged phone numbers, but didn't actually speak to one another until right before Shabbos. Blogger girl encouraged me to call and major thanks go out to her for that. So tentative plans were made for Sat. night.

Blogger Girl and I went out for pizza and then met up with him. I was surprised by a kiss on the cheek hello, but I most certainly didn't mind. Blogger Girl went home very graciously and left the door unlocked for me.

Then it was just the two of us... in person. Blondie mentioned that I didn't look like any of my pictures and if I wasn't wearing the pink baseball hat I told him about he wouldn't have recognized me. He also looked different than his pictures. Stronger... ok, I know that doesn't really make sense but it's true.

Yes, he was a gentleman and opened the car door for me (points). Then we went out and got drinks. We were sitting at the corner of the bar and every once in awhile his leg would brush against mine. It was comfortable and fun being with him. He's intelligent and weird funny, and that's a high compliment. Personally I find witty very, very sexy along with confidence and he definitely had that too. He was a man not a guy, and boy, did that turn me on.... not to mention his eyes, intense and searching.

We talked about first kisses and believe it or not he knew the boy who gave me my first kiss. I leaned into Blondie and he rubbed my back. Yummy! One drink was enough for both of us and we decided to go see the ocean but by this time it was getting late so he took me back to Blogger Girl's... NOT!! Are you kidding me?!?!? Do you really think that I would stop there. C'mon, it's me. Sex on the brain girl... the one whose libido is back and functioning.

Anyway, before we even made it to the beach or even into the car, I got my first kiss from him. Maybe I should change his name to sweet lips. I lost track of where we were, but somehow we made it to the boardwalk. He told me I was beautiful (points) and even made me feel that way (major points). He wanted to look at me but I put my head on his shoulder (strong shoulder). Of course, my hair came down out of the doubled up pony tail. And the breeze off the water felt so good through it. I haven't cut it yet. Then there were his eyes. I know I mentioned them already but they became a darker blue and filled with passion. I had to look away. But his gaze was magnetic and drew my eyes back up to his and I got lost in the heat of his piercing desire.


We finally made it back to Blogger Girl's at about 4:30 in the morning. Woke up at about 9:30 got dressed and went out for breakfast. Oh! Couldn't find my pink hat so I wore another one. I got a phone call later in the day to let me know that Blondie had it. I left it in his car.... guess my attention was elsewhere when saying goodbye. Needless to say I'm very very tired. My eyes are closing but a smile is on my lips.



OH! Don't forget the slimy slug (phylum-mollusca, class-gastropoda) UGH! Huge and gross

I HATE SCHOOL!!!!

It was DB's first day of school and he had a miserable time. Everyone in class was able to finish two pages of work while he only got up to the second question. That meant that everyone got to something fun after they were done.

DB is very intelligent and he is completely aware that he should be able to do everything the other kids in his class can do because he has the smarts to do it. He just doesn't have the skills. It's so freakin' sad and frustrating.

OMG!!!!!! They expect him to be able to read Rashi script and write the same sentence into Hebrew script. He can't even read Hebrew print that well, if at all. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM?!?!

He said to me tonight that he tells his father he needs easy work, "but Daddy says the work should be hard to help me learn better. But Mommy, Einstein became smart because he didn't give up not because he went to a hard school" Then DB explained that "easy" means that he would be able to do it. "If I don't learn anything this year I will go into fifth grade without any knowledge. I don't want to go to camp this summer 'cause I want to be able to study so I won't forget stuff and I'll be ready for school."

He wants to do well so badly. This is not a lazy child. If he doesn't do his homework, it's because he can't. He gets so scared and says I can't go to school tomorrow my teachers will be angry at me that I haven't done my homework right. He doesn't like asking me for help, but he does. But then his teachers write that he can't have help with certain parts and he cries. Because he wants my help but won't allow himself to have it.

The worst thing about this is that he could go to a different school that would be able to help him, but his father is preventing this from happening. It's just a control issue. So now DB will have to stay in this school until a motion is written, then a cross motion, then possibly another cross motion and then a hearing. It's insane. All because his father doesn't want to believe that anything I say (or 7 other professionals) might be good for DB.

I'm no longer angry at my stbx for anything that has happened between us. I've gotten past that a looooong time ago. BUT the things he does that hurt DB....

AAARGH!!!!!!!!

Bowling With DB

Considering we didn't actually go anywhere for a vacation, like the beach or on a trip, DB and I had a great time in Kansas. We went to the state fair with Saba and saw Swifty The Swimming Swine. Yup, a pig that swims. And believe it or not the pig that had the stall next to Wilbur and won the blue ribbon was there. GIGANTIC HUGE, AND TREMENDOUS are understatements when you describe this porker.

There were three different fun houses to get lost in and we got to pretend we were Superman on a ride where we lied down and flew through the air in circles. The bumper cars were so much fun and we were out to get each other. As soon as it finished we ran back to the entrance and jumped into the same cars we had before. The lines for the rides were non-existent since we went in the middle of the day; not too many people there. DB and his friend that came along each won a stuffed animal and it only took them each one try. The boys couldn't have been happier to spend time together and they walked around bumping into each other on purpose, hitting each other on the head and punching each others' arms.


Yesterday, we saw Ratatouille, went out to dinner and watched fireworks rain down on us in celebration of Bubbi's b-day. Today DB and I went bowling together. He got a spare and Woo Hoo!!! He was jumping down the lane to let everyone there know. Don't forget the stars, constellations and satellites we saw Sunday night. Shabbos was kind of low key which worked out ok because DB's allergies knocked him for a loop. Swollen itchy eyes and a stuffy nose does not a happy kid make. But he did get to beat me at Foosball twice, and he wouldn't let me forget it.


I'm finally getting tired so I think I'll get some rest before taking DB to the allergist in a few hours. Too sleepy to write about the school issue and if he's going and where... oh! there's a new man on the horizon with blue eyes and blonde hair. And I might be spending Shabbos with a fellow blogger... really I have to get some sleep. Sorry about grammar or spelling mistakes a little too tired to check. pleasant dreams

Stars

Tonight was amazing. DB and I got in the car and we were off. Both of us were very excited. We were going to see the stars. The sun was setting and we were driving into the country to a private observatory. On the way we passed a cow close enough to touch and watched as a doe and her fawn nibbled and then skipped away into the woods. The frogs were singing and the crickets were chirping. We didn't even need the sweatshirts we brought along, and it wasn't humid out.... perfect weather and a clear sky.

WOW!!! The Milky Way, Jupiter and three of its moons, watching satellites drift across the sky, Vega with its white blue sparkle, satellite galaxies (globular clusters), twin stars, actually seeing the constellations move as the night wore on... and the very best part recognizing Scorpius and Antares right in the middle of it. DB is a Scorpio and is fascinated with anything having to do with scorpions and other arachnids.

It's a shame that he was too tired to stay out later. I knew he was exhausted when he told me he wanted to go and the sky wasn't completely black on the horizon yet. We left, but the next time we're back in Kansas we will be looking up at the night sky and trying to see the different colored bands on Jupiter.

I'm Back....

in Kansas that is. I'm having a great time and will write soon... just a little worn out from the fun. I hope you guys have a nice holiday weekend. Ugh! School starts in a week. I really dislike school. It's sooo hard on DB. Don't get me wrong I love learning... I'm extremely curious and love to find out new things. I would even bring home my textbooks the first day of school, finish reading them in a week and end up bored for the rest of the year.... so I completely understand when DB doodles on his papers.

Anyway, my eyes are closing and my bed is calling... g'nite all

Rambling Thoughts

I know I haven't written in awhile. I wanted to, but just really didn't have anything to say, or is it that I had something to say, but didn't really want to write... maybe a little of both combined with working and filling out forms and getting DB ready for school.

I finally decided to start typing and just see where it takes me. Wouldn't it be nice if it could take me to a new home (albeit not in Kansas) where everything is unpacked and I had room for all my documents to stay neat even as I went through them. I can see myself working on my appeal. I need to get that in motion. Yeah, yeah I know the decision still hasn't even been ordered yet, but I'm ready. This isn't a decision for relocation it's about the divorce and some monetary issues. It's a shame that in order for me to get my money I have to spend more on an appeal. At least I can do the appeal on my own. It's not usual to have argument time in civil appeal cases especially divorce ones.

Anyway I'm sure my appeal will be granted and either decided or sent back to the lower court with instructions. I know what case law I need to bring and I have all my exhibits including previous court orders that were not followed.

I just realized that I have to consider myself lucky that I know (I've learned along the way) that I should appeal and that I know how to do it. I can't imagine being one of those women who don't know that they could win their case in appeal thinking that the lower courts ruling is always upheld in appeal.

It's a shame that appeals are so expensive. They should have a waiver of fees and a way to have the appeal printed without costing hundreds of dollars. In civil court you can be declared a poor person and the fees to file are waived why isn't that the same in appeals court? Or maybe it is and I just don't know. Something to look into. Have to call the clerk at the appeals court tomorrow. It's not like they would be inundated by appeals maybe there would be a 40% increase in the beginning. But if the lower courts realized that their decisions are being scrutinized and overturned I'm sure that they would rule more according to case law, and then the appeals would decrease.

Major point-just because someone wants to appeal doesn't automatically mean they are given the right to do so and that is also a deterrent to frivolous cases.

Enough about law.... although, it's obviously on my mind.

I've also been thinking about dating. Actually about not dating. Just not interested... for a couple of reasons; most of the guys that I have met have something very off about them (present company always excluded) and by saying met, meaning corresponded with and spoken over the phone for the most part. I haven't gone on that many dates. WOW! It will be coming up on a year soon from the time that I first decided to get my act together and start dating.

Mr. Right is nowhere to be found and I don't think I would recognize him right now even if he was wearing a suit of shining armor, riding a white horse and swept me off my feet. I've got too many other things going on. Plus I'm just not a little disillusioned with you men, right now (don't make me say it again.... ok, ok, present company is always excluded!!!) Yup, I just realized that I wrote you men as opposed to men and then tried to cancel it with the present company thing. Think of it what you will...

I feel like a whining spoiled three year old who wants what she wants and wants it now! Ugh! What a horrible picture I painted of myself.....

Enough of feeling down... but I guess I need to get some of it out of my system. I haven't spoken to Gretel lately. She was away at camp for the summer and I haven't spoken to Doll either, and now that I think about it I owe another hardworking mom friend a call. I haven't decided what to call her in my blog.... she has such a great name to begin with. Let's see how about... ummmmm.... well, let's describe her and then maybe something will come to mind. She's very intelligent... she's told me her job and title several times and I still am not sure exactly what she does. She's kind, caring, loyal and is always there if I need her... I've got it True Blue. Thanks, Dan. TB for short... ok that doesn't look like it will fit I don't want to be reminded of tuberculosis when I think of her.

Just realized that I haven't been in much contact with any of my friends who are girls. I was too busy focusing on guys. I'm not going to let that happen in the future. I'm not sixteen anymore. I haven't been sixteen for quite some time now and I'm not going to let thoughts of kisses (and yes, sex) distract me from everything else in my life.

I'm gonna go now. Not even sure if I'm going to post this. It's just a lot of rambling...



btw-in case you didn't notice, decided to post it.... after all, I wrote it...

Who Am I?

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers and you manifest this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Bunnies In Blue

Mischievous bunnies and independent women converse in watercolors
brass buttons and greener pastures await
while living through the pain and joy of loving


Stupid ducks guided by sly foxes under the eyes of spinster chaperones
printing presses and stained blouses acknowledge the rousing of creatures
and give birth to the excitement of dreams fulfilled.

Sex Ed. And The Married Man

Men. I've recently spent a lot of time talking to different men. Some were married... they approached me through my blog... as I'm sure they approached others. Some from Frumster and divorced, but just not that interesting, one was widowed.

All of them are sweet, caring guys. Yup, even the married ones. Yes, I know it's my naivete showing it's face again. "All they want is to get in your pants," Doll says. And of course my answer back to her is "That's all I want too." These are intelligent men... I find that very attractive with engaging personalities and not too mention the fact that they are sexy. What to do??? Well, I don't need to worry about that because I didn't meet with one... yes, I was actually considering being the other woman.

You all might look at me with disgust, but then again you aren't in my shoes. Anyway... I was just too down about everything going on and couldn't bear facing anyone especially someone that I wanted to look good for.

I know I'm an easy target. I'm open, honest, horny, and gullible. They couldn't ask for anything more. Except that I can't bear to hurt people. I could never be responsible for the heartbreak that might happen if a wife was to find out. Yeah, yeah... they don't have to find out, but sometimes they do no matter how many precautions you've taken. I've found that most of the married men are writing because they want someone who enjoys sex. It's so sad that they can't find what they're looking for in their own home and marriage. I feel for them. I really do. I experienced the same thing.

But these men on the other hand do not want to get divorced do not want to destroy their families, hurt their children, and don't even want to hurt their wives. So they live a lie. Treating their wives like gold and looking for sex on the side. I admire them in a way.... They're stuck in a catch-22. It's not fair that they have to choose between the pain of divorce or the torture of not having a satisfying sex life. It's extremely difficult living a lie. At least, it is for me. Once I finally started living my life open and honestly I could never go back to the hiding and lying to myself and others.

Perhaps if they had had the chance to have sex before they got married they wouldn't be in the position they are now. Perhaps if their wives had been taught to enjoy their bodies and that sex is not dirty but a joy to share between loved ones. I know that sometimes in the beginning sex is not the best, but with practice... WOW!!!!

I believe that sex-ed should be taught in schools.... I was thinking senior year but that might be too late to change girl's viewpoints of their bodies. Maybe sixth grade would be a better time. And just because it's discussed doesn't mean that it will take place.... but if they are not being taught at home and because of that marriages are collapsing and families are destroyed.... Rebbeim might want to assume some responsibility. There are also health issues at stake here. If a man decides to go to a prostitute then what could he be bringing home to his wife and their future children.... At the worst AIDS, but herpes, syphilis etc.

The boys also need to be educated in how to treat and romance their wives. To not pressure and give their wives time to get to relax. It's a shame that this isn't taught in more chosson and kallah classes. Refresher courses of taharas hamishpacha are given in most communities. The women teaching them should take the opportunity to explain that sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. The topic of attending sex therapy should also be broached because most of these women wouldn't even consider it unless they thought maybe others would or if they know it's sanctioned.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on this tangent. Maybe it's because I'm felling guilty for my actions and want to place the blame on others. Whatever it is I've stopped.... It's been made easier because I haven't been so interested in sex lately. There is just so much going on. I have to move (but first I have to find some place to move to) and DB will be going to a new school in the fall.

And to everyone out there who asks... Yes, I'm frum. Maybe if people were more open about sex, I wouldn't get that question.

And there isn't anything happening for me in the sex or dating department. Maybe I can find a cute mover with a body that won't quit......

Sad News

very sad news see serandez and sweet rose

Hamakom yenachem eschem b'soch she'ar avalei tzion v'yerushalayim

המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבילי ירושלים

Not What You Think

The cool sliding silk drifting over my skin
ripples away the worries of the day
rythmic strokes and gulps of air
pulse life into me
the ecstasy that builds in the waves
engulfs me
and my mind floats away
leaving only the serenity of nothing

I, Sure As Hell, Can Move That Rubber Tree Plant!!!

Yes, I have it. I don't know how. I don't know why. But I still have hope.

Haven't written in awhile. Well, for me it seems that awhile would be a week (the personality post was just copied not written). I've been aching for it and running from it at the same time.


Hope has resurfaced
and floated to the top of my algae covered world.

Untying the knots of tears and sobs,
it rises above torturing ropes of desperation
as they sink to the forgotten murk of bitter memories.
Confusion and Grief drown it in salty rivers
Torment and Questioning reach out their claws
dragging it under,
nibbled at by scavengers of rationality

struggling through the labyrinth of self-pity
chased by doubt
it slides back to the twists and turns in my brain
forgetting that hurt is not thought but felt


Hope squeezes through the cracks of desperation in my heart
warmed by sunlight music
dancing through the swirl of muddy feet stomping their pain in defiance

Treasure dragged from the deeps, wrapped in prayers of soiled velvet
bringing jeweled smiles and golden bells of laughter
bubbling to the surface
Buoys of angel's wings guide it
My soul following it's lightened journey
the dissipating pain sweetening my despair
till I can swallow acceptance


Hope survives

the hammers of sorrow
to save
my dreams of sanctuary

My Personality

My Personality

Neuroticism 5
Extraversion 80
Openness To 98 Experience
Agreeabl 97 eness
Conscien 66 tiousness

You are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time. You are generally calm and composed, reacting moderately well to situations that most people would describe as stressful. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.

Test Yourself View Full Report

Yes, I'm Relaxed...

I have so much to do and to write. So... guess what comes first?

It's quiet in my apartment. DB is sleeping, the air conditioner is on, and the sound of classical music is filtering through the walls. Someone has it playing very loudly so I get to enjoy it too. This all very conducive to writing. Plus I'm sitting in an old wooden desk chair on wheels, at the old (but new to me) dining room table that I put back together after moving it. The chair creaks whenever I lean back, and I know that I need to pull out the DW-40 sometime soon to oil it.

I feel very content right now, at peace, relaxed and it makes absolutely no sense to feel this way. I have court tomorrow, the apartment is a big and I mean BIG mess. Papers are strewn everywhere. (Always wanted to use the word strewn.) Legos are on the floor in the bathroom. I've been trying to figure out that one. Oh! DB was probably playing with them in the bath and left me to find them with my bare feet in the middle of the night. OW!

Ahhhh.... but my boy was relaxed tonight. He hasn't been relaxed in such a long time and it's a pleasure to see. I'm so happy for him. He asked me how my day was when I picked him up from camp. Of course, I asked him first, but still.... I didn't have to remind him. The lessons and nudges about using his manners are working. The other day he opened my car door. I was joking around, "What are you doing little one? Are you going to drive us today?" "No, Mommy I just opened the door for you." Boy, did that put me in my place and shock me at the same time. A neighbor that was walking by was informed immediately about my gentleman son. Couldn't be prouder of da boy.

Tonight I got a hug and "You're the best mom ever." Not to mention giggles and a trip to Chile. We have started watching Wheel Of Fortune together to help with his dyslexia. We're planning on taking our trip next summer so we can go skiing there (in our dreams).

We read two more chapters of Ben and Me. He was trying so hard to keep his eyes open that there were no complaints when I closed the book and said time for Shema. Yes, another book on Benjamin Franklin. It's getting so that DB is correcting the book when the history is not completely accurate. Benjamin Franklin is one of DB's idols along with Spiderman, Einstein ('cause he had dyslexia, was a scientist, dealt with time travel, "And he's JEWISH, Mommy). DB's dream is to create more inventions and be a better scientist than Ben Franklin. I can't wait until he does. I've got to try to get us to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia by the end of the summer. No, not the Franklin Mint that makes all those Elvis plates and other collectibles. I would really love to know who actually collects those things.

And we're back...
My attorney just called after re-reading the forensic report and stated that we actually have a very good case. There's a pre-trial settlement meeting scheduled at court for tomorrow. Wish me luck Actually, wish DB luck because I'm doing this for him. I'll let you know how it goes. It's not scheduled until the afternoon so there's the possibility of us being back in court on Wed.

My mom is on her way up to offer emotional support. Actually, she just sits next to me and knits or crochets. It helps keep me calm so that I can think clearly. She's made three ponchos, three scarves (I made a scarf myself one day in court), two blankets, and a hat during the court appearances, hearings and trials. And would you believe that not one of them has been for me. Ever since the duck sweater incident in the 80's she hasn't made me anything, and it wasn't even my fault. She kept on ripping it out and starting over again.

I might bring my needlepoint tomorrow. I haven't worked on it in such a long time, and it appears that things might be coming to a close soon.... ok six months can't really be considered soon, but it is in my eyes after going through this craziness for so many years. I want to have it ready to hang in my new home. Boy, does that sound nice... I'll just keep davening and hoping and wishing and working my ass trying to make sure that it happens.

Ugh! I'm gonna go now, and I haven't even updated y'all about the men or lack thereof, situation. I guess you'll just have to wait.

B'Sha'a Tova (In Good Time, At The Right Time)

Wonderful News delivered on my brother's b-day no less. I'm going to be an aunt again... for the seventh time. It's been about two years since the last boy was born. They're all boys and I'm jealous. Not in the way that I wish I could take this joy from them and give it to me, but in the way that I want to have more children too.

I've been thinking about that lately, and whether or not I will actually have the guts to get pregnant one day even if I'm not married. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married (at least I do today), but if it doesn't happen I don't want to lose the chance to have more children while waiting for Mr. Right (let's be realistic, Mr. Almost-Right).

I had a miserable pregnancy with DB and yes, I would suffer through it all over again. First there was the fear of miscarriage. The doctor didn't want to call my first visits (for DB) pregnancy visits until we were able to see the heartbeat and my blood levels were up. It's because of the mis that I had.

The doctor was doing the first ultrasound on my first pregnancy (before DB) and there was an empty sac. He was put on the spot and felt so bad telling us. Then stbx got tears in his eyes and I had to comfort him and make the doctor feel more at ease. This was during the eleventh week. I think I was in denial and shock. He asked me if I wanted to wait until it happened naturally and I immediately replied that if it wasn't a baby I wanted it out of me. I didn't want to feel pregnant if I wasn't. That was just too hard. So it was scheduled to take place less than a week. I also had the choice of having it done in the hospital or his office. Since the office could be scheduled quicker that's what I chose.

I was fine for the first few weeks after and then it hit.... and hard. The babies, the children, the families all ripped at my heart. One of the things that I had always known about myself was that I was born to be a mom. I have this connection with children and babies, and everyone who knows me agrees. Maybe it's their innocence and unconditional love.

Anyway, the job I had made it even harder. I saw children and pregnant women every day usually every hour. The fact that no one knew made it even harder. Stbx could've cared less, "Get over it. It happened weeks ago." I didn't even try to explain it to him. Useless to do so, and I was starting to recognize that. I did tell one co-worker when it was just too much one day and someone (actually most of the customers) had asked me when I was finally going to have a child. I smiled and turned away with tears in my eyes. I had to leave for awhile and I came back with the three dots that shape a triangle that I get on my upper right cheek near my eye whenever I cry.

It was a release to finally let someone else know. Of course, after I had DB and was talking to friends of mine and other new moms in the community I discovered that almost all of them had had miscarriages and that half of them had a miscarriage in their first pregnancy. WHOA!!! If only the doctor would've told me or if there was even an article about it at the mikva. Because you don't discuss this with people when you're trying... then they know you're trying and ask you how it's going. I would've felt hundreds of times better if I knew this. To this day I am still finding out about people having miscarriages on their first and second tries. I'm also finding out that it hurts just as much even when you already have two children.

Then there was the weight gain and morning sickness. I wasn't vomiting so I gained ninety (yes, nine zero) lbs. The only things I could eat were white bread, potato chips, noodles, sour cream, bologna and potatoes-white potatoes for the first 4 1/2 months. I couldn't sleep or stand because of the nausea and the only way to stop it was to actually be chewing and swallowing. I had to go into a separate room if people wanted to eat anything other than those items.

I also had amniocentesis done, but no one told me that most women experience cramping after it. That was scary. Then there was some bleeding and I was hospitalized and had to take it easy after that. Finally after 24 hours of labor, three of which involved pushing without an epidural and while on pitocin (it makes the contractions so much harder) and trying every possible position to get that baby out of me. I asked for a knife because I was ready to cut him out myself then and there. Don't mess with a woman in delivery. I felt a contraction coming and ORDERED the anesthesiologist to hold my foot so I could push. He just looked at me until I YELLED at him to "HOLD MY FOOT!!!" Then he couldn't move fast enough.

Finally after the c-section the darlin' boy was born, albeit with his skull rubbed raw from where he had been trying to get past my tailbone. It stayed that way for a week until it finally scabbed over. Back labor isn't fun for anyone involved.

Anyway... I forgot what I was writing about... Oh! Wanting more kids... HA! Even after all that and a couple months of colic, I do... I really do want to have more children. I have so much love to give and share. I used to feel bad that DB didn't have a sibling to go through this horrible divorce with, but if he had who knows if I would've been able to help him as much and to discover his learning issues.

btw - DB is extremely bright and I don't want to just focus on his weaknesses like reading and writing. I want to also push his strengths... any type of reasoning, logic, spatial etc. Anyone have any ideas how to do this??? I'll probably have to get some more books, and do some more reading to figure out how to work on this.

By My Side....

The look on his face filled with guileless love
cannot be contained in his hug
or in my heart.

His eyes close
and his breathing slows


I kiss his forehead and
wish him every joy
Thankful he's my boy

Smudged with dirt
I cannot prevent the hurt
that floods his life

But then I see, in his face
the man that will be
strong in his caring
and I trace
the tear stains

For his little boy
will not suffer like he

the pain will melt away
and stay the memories
when he holds the eggshell of innocence
tenderly in his love

Playing With Fire

I miss the sound of your voice

slipping into my thoughts

with sexy sweetness

drawing me

closer

to your hot breath

My hesitation

only makes my skin burn

for your touch

that sears

pleasure

on my soul

When We're Married....

Teen, this man that I met on Frumster has been talking as if we are going to get married. He has not met me, and I have not led him on in any way. I haven't been sliding any sexual innuendos into our conversations and I most certainly haven't been talking about marriage. GEEZ LOUISE!!! I haven't even told him that I like him.

I was speaking to a friend of mine tonight and I mentioned that Teen is not the first guy who has brought up marriage before we have even met and without me encouraging the topic in anyway. I have been trying to figure it out. Am I doing something.... am I saying something.... am I choosing to answer the messages of guys who do this? I figure it must be me because this happens so often. Or maybe not... maybe it's just that the guys out there want to get married and when they find someone they enjoy talking to and who listens to them they set their hopes on her.

But it's not like Teen has proposed or anything like that. Although, I do feel he is rushing things.... A LOT.

This got me to thinking about past relationships and how close some of them have come to marriage. I think that I might have led on some of them. Nope, changed my mind.... I think that I loved them, but when it came down to the wire I couldn't think of spending my life with them.

Of course, the first two happened even before I was twenty. One my senior year of high school and he was a college senior. The other one happened that summer after I graduated. I broke it off with both of them. As much as I liked dreaming about being married I was most certainly not ready and neither of them were the right guy for me.

The next two guys were after seminary. One was a divorced older guy and good friends with the guy who asked me two summers earlier. The other wasn't Jewish, but he was the closest I came to saying yes before I met my stbx. Part of the draw to Not-Jewish was his family background William James, psychologist, Henry James, author, Maxfield Parrish and Jean Parrish, artists. How I came to go out with Not-Jewish is for another time. Then there was the Israeli guy, best friends with Doll's husband. He thought that since we made out we would be getting married. There wasn't even any sex and he didn't speak any English, but I did speak Hebrew.

After stbx, there was Mr. Complex (as in Napoleon) and Mr. Move To Israel, and now Teen. Am I giving off marriage vibes like some sort of pheromones through the phone lines??

Just Friends

Dan The Man is Doll's twin brother. When I came back with her to London after seminary there was an instant attraction. Actually I felt that attraction the summer before, but I didn't stay at her house and we didn't have any time to get to know each other. Staying at her house changed everything, well, almost everything.

We talked about everything from religion to science then to music and books. We may not have agreed on everything, but it didn't stop us from enjoying our talks about it. I can remember one night in his room. I don't know where Doll was, and I don't think anyone else was at home. There was electricity in the looks we gave to one another. Then instead of anything happening we talked some more. This time it was about whether or not we were going to go out with each other.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell him that there was no way I could ever hurt Doll and to have her two best friends together might make her feel left out. I had talked to Doll earlier in my visit in a roundabout way. She probably saw through it, but didn't come outright and tell me not to date Dan. This was the first time that I chose friendship over going out with a guy.

When I came back to London a couple years later for Doll's wedding I still felt that pull, but Dan The Man was dating someone seriously. I was sooooo jealous and wanted to tell him, but I kept it in. I didn't discuss it with Doll because I came to London to help her feel really good before her special day. I didn't want her focusing on me.

Once again Dan The Man and I were left alone in the house. I don't know how that happened with all the relatives that were in. That's when he mentioned that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. The jealousy and hurt I felt was unbelievable. I have the feeling he knew about some of it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind by flirting with two and fooling around with one of the Chasan's best friends.

I spoke with him a couple years later and it didn't feel like we were an ocean away. I wanted to tell him how I still felt, but I didn't want to do anything to his marriage... so I stopped calling.

The funniest thing is that when Doll and I were talking recently she mentioned that Dan and I had gone out. Whoa!!!! I told her we never had and that it was a thought at decision based on how it might affect her. Man, we could've gone out and it wouldn't have made a difference.... just wishful thinking. I believe that I made the right choice and still have an amazing friend because of it.

Why am I writing about a relationship that never was from about twenty years ago? I spoke to Dan The Man last night... and laughed and talked about intuition and people and I felt that pull. He noticed my laugh and I listened to the cadence and accent in his voice. Grab a Jude Law movie and close your eyes. That's his voice.... exactly. I missed him. Don't know if we're going to talk again any time soon, although he mentioned it.

I sent him something that I wrote from this blog, but I don't think that he'll visit again. Or maybe there's a part of me that wants him to know the way I feel. I just won't act on it. I don't want to come between him and his wife. This time I don't want to hurt him.

How can I miss something I never had?

It's In

The forensic report that is. And custody stays the same. I have full custody, legal and physical. The forensic didn't really have anything bad to say about me. I'm going to read it tomorrow at my attorney's. But this is

ABSOLUTELY, FREAKIN',


UNBELIEVABLYAMAZING!!!!!!!!


YAY!!!!! HOORAY!!! WOO HOO!!!!


I want to shout it from the rooftops. I don't have to worry about the way I parent DB anymore. Thank you, thank you, Hashem. If I had everyone's phone numbers I would have called all you guys and told you this great news.

Of course, it doesn't mean that anything about relocation is resolved, but it's one less thing for me to worry about. And it does help my case. The trial is still up in the air and it looks like I might be stuck in Oz for at least another six months, possibly a year but still.....

I want to hug and kiss everyone I see. I've been smiling and talking to strangers the whole day. Not about the case... just about whatever. I've been helping moms with babies and shopping carts, offering suggestions about books for children, offering cold drinks to the postman and doorman, letting old people cross the road and smiling and waving back to them, talking to garbage men, cashiers and anyone else I come in contact with. Don't stand too close I might start talking to you next. Some of these people initiated conversations with me, but that was only after I was smiling at them.

Hashem has created a beautiful world. I can finally care for DB without looking over my shoulder. Free at last. Free at last. Thank G-d Almighty I'm free at last!

... But It Was Fun While It Lasted

So I didn't hear from Chassidish today, and I just checked to see if he read the message I sent him on Frumster and he had. Here it is in it's entirety "Hope your weekend was nice. ttyl or not anyway... take care."

It wouldn't have bothered me if he just said, "It was fun, bye." It's funny that he thinks he has to avoid me. He won't be hearing from me again. I guess he doesn't get it that I understood we weren't dating, but just having fun.

Weird

Chassidish didn't call before Shabbos, after Shabbos or today at anytime. I tried to reach him before Shabbos, but his voice mail was full and I wasn't going to call for forever. Anyway we were supposed to get together tonight after I went to the mikvah. I didn't try and call him today because I knew he'd be traveling from the mountains and then working.

I told myself that if I didn't hear from him by 5:30 p.m. I wasn't going to go to the mikva. That way I wouldn't be able to or rather it would help keep me from seeing him because I knew nothing could take place. I didn't want to see him if he called after 5:30 p.m. BECAUSE I didn't want him to think that I'm available whenever he wants. I'm not. If you want to be with me/spend time with me/have csbf then call me and act like a friend. I don't need mushy cards or anything but.....

This is why I am sitting here at home typing instead of with him completely blowing his mind. His loss... of course, it's mine too especially considering that I was really looking forward to some hot and sweaty sex... Anyway, I imagine that I'm not going to hear from him again. Anyone wanna make a bet????

Unto bigger and better things. I should have made the date with Confused Guy for tonight. It's just as well because I worked today and I'm working tomorrow with this gorgeous baby whose laughter is contagious. He feels the same way... sometimes we just giggle at each other.

Teen has been calling me a lot and calling me sweetie and honey. He even went as far as inviting me to a wedding with him at the end of August. No, I wasn't leading him on. What's the deal with men... don't they have any idea of a middle ground. The more I talk to Teen the more I realize he's not for me. He might a good deal older than I am, but there is just some immaturity to him. It's a shame because he has tattoos that he got when he was younger and rebelling. I find tattoos on a man extremely sexy. Don't ask me why? I just do. Actually one or two is enough for me, more and I find it.... not as attractive.

Another hot thing about him is that he speaks several languages including French and Italian. Maybe you remember the movie A Fish Called Wanda (one of my favorites) and how Jamie Lee Curtis went crazy over foreign languages. Voices and languages are definitely turn ons for me.

Teen was supposed to call at 11:30 p.m. and I haven't heard from him. This is hysterical. It must be why I used to call guys and ask them out before they ever had the chance to contact me. Are guys just too scared?? Any of you out there willing to answer? If you are with (as in married, engaged or dating) someone who asked whom out first or who initiated the relationship?

Dreams

My words seem so much more than inadequate. Too flowery and old fashioned for times of computers and devices that make handwritten letters obsolete.
I watch movies that make me cry wishing I had that love.
Someone to share that physically powerful
emotion
that can bring me to tears
aches in my chest with the fullness of joy
That is what I want in life
dreams of movies, fairy tales, and love letters
the poetry of joy filling my soul
honeysuckle sweetness and children’s laughter
the awesomeness of skies shining with everlasting
stars and twinkling
like glorious drops of rain on windows
mirroring images of fires stoked
filling home with warmth and comfort
that insulates the world
from the fierce and insatiable love between two.

I wish to be one of that two.
To be filled with thankfulness
to feel beauty in my love
in his love
looks of adoration
that brings such smiles upon humanity,
that sees grace in the flight of a paper bag drifting in the wind,
and attracts eyes with the understanding of fulfillment,
and the wish to share it.

It doesn’t matter that these overdone, over thought words fill people with laughter.
Words are not good enough anyway.
If I could write music, perhaps notes would fill the air
with longing
like the call of a loon across a moonlit lake.
But even then those phrases, those sounds would be inadequate to express what I wish for,
and dream of.

Dreams may be the only way to express these harbored emotions.

Sailboats flying through fields of golden wheat
The whiteness of the rippling cloth
expressing the pureness of these desires
the wind captured in their smooth folds
the way my heart is held in his hands.
He holds my face gently with those callused palms
and looks into my eyes waiting for the return of the rapture
he shines upon me;
rays of mellow sunlight
through the dappled leaves of Renoir paintings,
and the lightness
in Chagall’s pair of lovers flying
through the flowers of soft kissed dreams,
Van Gogh’s passionate swirls and dashes
with thickened strokes and deepened hues
expressing the insanity of his infatuation,
the languor and almond eyes of Gauguin island girls
satiated with the taste of foreign fruits.
I long to endure until
those sensations overtake me.

But all of this is only a dream, not the bricks of reality to build a stable life.
Is it possible to combine the two?
To fill my heart with passion and my home with security.
I’m afraid that the answer is
no
as unbending and cold as the steel rail on the steps of my home
leading to a life of
empty wishes and desires unfulfilled.

Dreams of ecstasy
wake to the boredom of beds unmade from sleep
not from writhing bodies locked in the grasp of exaltation;
tasting the sweet salty drops on skin exquisite
as the pain of waiting till the next union.

My hopes, cigarettes drowning in city puddles
surrounded by buried dreams of wanting,
waiting for fulfillment
Shoved aside by rush hour pedestrians running
to their prisons of moneyed lives
ignoring the ache and want of recognition in a stranger’s eyes.
Dusty rugs dragged from their hearts
with horns and honks shocking them to life
to the clamour and screams of their souls.
But then too afraid to witness possibilities
and this awakening;
the mind floods with doubts
sinking the brave
heart that swims waves of emotion
risking the pull of dark riptides
into grey oceans of normality
day to day sameness.

I yearn for someone to return that passion
that I extend in these clumsy strokes, notes,
words that are too plain
too small
to express the arguments of possibility.

This is what happens after watching these movies of love unrequited
but fulfilled in a manner unexpected
all the more so satisfying to the heart.

This is what occurs after reading love letters
written long ago expressing the sentiments
inflicted upon these passionate
artists, writers, composers, scientists
striving for the fulfillment of
their souls empty
without
The Other,
The One,
The Lover,

These lusts for perfection in days are an embarrassment
and laughable in their adolescent exaggerations
and childish idealism.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Most definitely not G rated:
But definitely entertaining

Sooooo sooooooo much has been going on this week, and I haven't had that much time to write about it. Here goes...

1) I drove back and forth to Kansas three times in three days if I've counted it right. My brain is just a little fried from being so tired. And I'm so tired because on Monday I moved a dining room set, credenza and another table out of my great-uncle's non-air conditioned house. Yes, it was about 99 degrees without the heat index. So I took everything a part and actually moved the credenza myself on a dolly. My dad helped me tilt it into the truck so I could pull it up and put it in.

Then I drove the truck back to Oz, and unloaded everything. I did get a little help with the top of the dining room table. I'm a little achy now from all the hard work. And I still need to screw everything back together. But at least I unpacked.

2) Chassidish came over last night and we behaved ourselves... as difficult as it was. He stayed awhile so I didn't get to sleep until late

3) The night before that when I was in Kansas I spent a long time sending messages back and forth to Confused Guy (named by rebel with a cause) who doesn't seem so confused anymore and Teen. I'm calling him that because even though he's a little older (Bud thinks he may be too old for me) he acts and talks young. I don't mean immature, just young and full of life.

4) Someone from Frumster contacted me. Not what you're thinking... someone who works for Frumster. He said that he read my blog and would I let him know my identity. It made me feel like a spy. I told him no and asked why. He wanted to get my input about Frumster and any suggestions I might have. I sent him some and if any of you out there have specific things you want added or changed let me know and I'll pass it along.

But really, after writing about what happened with Bud and now Chassidish did he really think I was going to tell him who I was. He probably would have had me kicked off of Frumster. Do they actually do that?

5) I was also up late this past week working on the trial. Of course, the dates have been changed and there isn't even going to be a pre-trial conference tomorrow. C'est la vie. What can I do? Nothing, so I've chosen not to worry about it and instead take care of the baby again tomorrow.

Now for the unbelievable story.....
I got a phone call last night from a guy I know through frumster. No, I am most definitely not saying who it is because of what he asked. Ok, ok, I'll tell you what he asked... He prefaced it by stating that he never wanted me to speak of it again after our conversation. My ears really perked up then. I answered, "of course" and was quiet waiting for the bomb to drop.

AND THEN IT DID!!! OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH!! OMIGOSH!!!!

He said "How would you like to come out with me tonight to a 'couple's club'?" Then there was silence. I think he wanted to let it sink in. At first I wasn't sure what he meant, but since he was still quiet I realized that it was what I thought it was.... a swinger's club.

HOLY MOLEY!!!! ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN' UNBELIEVABLE!!! WHOA!!!!!

I didn't know if I should be insulted or not. Then I started thinking about it.... I was curious. C'mon I'm sure that you've all heard of these things going on, but have never been a part of it or known where it was taking place.

Anyway, he broke first and said "Did you understand me?"
"I sure did. What the hell are you thinking??" and then I cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. My stomach started to hurt I was laughing sooo hard. It takes a lot to insult me. Well, obviously.
When I finally started to get quiet he asked me if I would be willing to go. The curiosity really started to get to me. I have this unsatiable desire to find out and learn and see new things and ideas. I really did seriously contemplate it. No, I wasn't going to participate. I just wanted to see for myself. I mean really, it would have made a great story.

But two things prevented me from going: Chassidish was already on his way over, and I didn't feel comfortable going with this guy (the one who asked me, not Chassidish) in particular. Soooo the answer was no. But if he ever asks again.......

I'm supposed to talk to CG and Teen tonight. We'll see how it goes. btw- both are willing to relocate.

Happy News:
Pen went out this week with a really nice girl and they got along great. We've been staying in touch mostly by e-mail and talking about our different dates. There's no flirting going on which makes it easy and comfortable. I'm sooooo happy for him. He's a sweet guy and deserves someone who realizes it and is just as caring. I wish the same for any of us who are single out there.

Clarification

I have my get and have had it for several years. There was some confusion and I just want to make sure that everyone is aware of this. I'm going to add it to my profile.

But my civil divorce is not quite finished and that's been going on for years and years and....