'Till I See You

I don't need to close my eyes
to see his laughter

I hear his smiles
in his favorite music

Love for him warms my soul
as I dream of times together
waiting patiently
for new memories to be made

Remember Me?

Yeah, yeah. I know I haven't posted in awhile. Haven't wanted to, been very busy, and couldn't think of what to write. Of course, that hasn't changed much right now, but fingers have been itching... so here I am.

Actually, I'm in the middle of two, no, three posts. But I think I'm just going to ramble for a bit, and let you know what I've been doing lately. Drum roll please.... I lost 9 pounds. YAY!!! Only 20 more to go. I am fitting into some more of my clothes, and will be jumping onto the treadmill after I finish writing this. It's not so much the weight as it is the way I feel in my skin, and how fit I am.

I haven't been so interested in dating lately, but that doesn't mean that my sex drive has dissipated in any way. C'mon, it's me we're talking about here. There's a guy or two out there, but that doesn't necessarily mean marriage. While we're on the topic, my rug burn has healed, and is now only a pinkish red mark going down my forehead. Any advice out there for how to get that to go away. It looks like I was burned... ok, ok I was burned, but how do I get it to look like the rest of my skin.

Then there's the issue of my broken glasses. Don't even ask how that happened, but yes, it's somwhere along those lines that you're thinking.



I've been having mega weird and vivid dreams lately. One of them had a 6'5" guy help me out. Yes, I know his height. Don't ask me why, but I knew it in my dream. He was sweet and strong... just the way I like them.

I did some reading over Shabbos, but what's new about that? I only read two books though. Both of them were by Dean Koontz. I like the ones where he has a character in the book say things that are so out of place that it makes me laugh out loud. I know I've written about his books before, but they really resonate with me. Horrible, and boy, do I mean horrible things happen to the people in his books, but they don't give up hope that tomorrow will be better.

OY!!!! I know I sound like an innocent pollyanna, but I'd much rather that than a bitter cynic. Now, I have a picture in my head of Pollyanna as a bitter cynic and it's making me laugh. Don't even... you guys already know I'm weird. I've never tried to hide that fact from you.

I now own a blackberry, and have been very busy with it. I've discovered how to bypass certain things and am now able to im from it. Not only that, I didn't break it or mess up it's operating system when I did it. I think it may even like me, but I'm trying not to jinx myself. The best thing about it was the fact that it was free. Y'all know how things are tight for me.

Well, I had actually come to the end of my 2 year contract, and I knew that I needed to get a new phone because I had dropped my old one quite a few times (understatement) and it was dying. The problem is that I couldn't get a phone with a camera. The ex (so nice to write ex instead of stbx) is still trying to control me, and he has enough money to keep me in court for quite a long time. His attorney must love having him for a client.

In case you didn't know, you aren't allowed to bring any kind of camera into the court house (any court house) let alone the court room. So I didn't have much choice when it came time to picking out a new phone. That's when the salesguy suggested a blackberry, and I've been hooked ever since.

That's about it for now, I've got to go to the car and take out a mattress. A friend of mine was moving and asked if I could use one. DB had just started mentioning that his bed wasn't so comfortable so now he'll be a happy camper.

btw-squeaky isn't going to be squeaky for much longer. I'm going to have a new tensioner and belt put on her this week so you won't be able to hear us coming from miles away.

I Do Know

And it's no. Glad that I don't have any more questions about it. It's easier knowing than not. I just don't like limbo.

Don't Know

I just don't know. I just don't know what it is, how it is, and if it is. Do I want it to be, and if so why?

I know I should talk about it and not just write about it, but there really hasn't been an opportunity.

Is it because of the concern and kindness? Is it because of the attraction? Is it worthwhile pursuing? Am I just letting my sex drive run away with me?

I need to know so that I can know where I stand... or sink.

Can you think of any more questions that I might have? Should I even be asking any questions?

Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!

More and more craziness... since I owe my attorney so much money she says she needs to get paid before we start the appeal. I need to find out if this is really true.

What next?!?!?!?

A Bigger Pool

I did it. I made a decision. We're going to be staying in The Emerald City or at the very least on somewhere on the outskirts of Oz.

The pool has grown. This means that there will be many more sharks to worry about while searching for that one big fish. The thing is I'm just not that interested in dating right now. I'll have to write more on that at a later point in time. Just too busy.

Getting ready to go to Kansas for Shabbos with DB.

I'm OK

There's a lot going on. OBVIOUSLY!! So I might be a little angry, upset, or down... and of course, busy. I'm learning how to do an interlocutory appeal now. Geez Louise!!! I've done things some attorneys haven't. Absolutely bonkers!! But that's life... at least, that's my life.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, and I have a pretty good imagination.

Gotta go make some more phone calls and straighten up the apt.

Stuck In Hell

the system
can be worked
if you know who to pay
if you know what to say

the system
is a lie
of justice
without conscience

the system
is for the strong
not the young
and their protectors

the system
was built
to serve people
not crush them

the system
is hell
and there is no release
unless given
by the system

God?

questions just bring more pain
containing my own for his release

NO
reason why
can erase the trauma etched on his soul
kind and loving god. HA!
No person let alone a god would hurt a child like this.

my hurt is nothing compared to his
but I am not alone in my pain
guilt and tears accompany me
confusion and self-blame attach themselves to my child's soul.

A replay goes on and on through my mind
Is there anything that really could have prevented this?
It would have happened at some time anyway

Are we predestined for pain?
As much as I love him I wish that he would've chosen
someone who could protect him
somewhere without need of protection

god has a sick sense of humor
if he wants my supplications hurt me, destroy me
but not an innocent

his wishes to control the world
are echoed with mine
turning back time

prayers are stuck in my throat
tied to my heart in pain
let HIM release them

yeah right, keep dreamin'

Hope From Hurt

Pain oozing from an open wound
and tears rinse the hatred from my soul.
A band aid cannot cover the sore
of my child's hurt, and
prayers cannot protect us.

I believe that it will end
and we will survive
with a joyous rain of giggles
floating through the air like rainbow bubbles
The rays of comfort and safety warming us into a blackened night while
we rest peacefully covered by blankets of twinkling love.

Be

Be thankful
for the nearness of hugs
be grateful
for the feel of soft kisses
be wary
of their loss
be forewarned
of the ache
be hopeful
for the possibility

of again

The Ocean

drifting in your touch

until the riptide of desire
drowns me in passion


waves of ecstasy pounding
into the sharpened screaming reefs of exaltation

Ow!

Rugburn is painful... even more so when it's on your forehead. Yes, you read correctly. I've got it from my hairline to my eyebrow about 1" in width.

But that's what you get... wait, I've never heard of anyone else getting rugburn on their forehead so let me clarify... that's what I get for falling off the bed.

Yup, I'm talented.

I Could Always Use More...

friends.

I can now add another bud as a friend of mine. NN has decided that he isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I think he was concerned how I was going to handle it, but it didn't surprise me that much. He had some tells that let me know this might happen.

The funny thing is that two days before he told me I was contacted by two people via Frumster. The day before he told me I was contacted by someone else, and the day he told me two more men contacted me. Whoa, Nellie!!! The best thing about it is that these men are all possibilities except for one who can't relocate, but wants to date anyway.

What's the deal? None of these men are brand new to Frumster and some have seen my profile before. Whatever the reason, I'm enjoying it, but a little overwhelmed. I can only date one person at a time. Actually, I could probably date two, but I wouldn't want to. Feelings could get very hurt if one of them found out, and I just don't want to do that.

So tonight, I wrote "If it doesn't work out, would you mind if I contacted you in the future" messages. Reason being because I have a date Sat. night. HOLY MOLY BATMAN!!! Yup, you read it right. CR has another date with another guy in less than two weeks from the one with NN. Man, it looks like I'm some sort of playa, but that's not the case.

Things changed with NN and I moved on. There's no rebound either.... weird, but y'all already know that I'm weird.

Drum roll, please and now for the new guy. Geez Louise! I have to come up with another name. Hmmmmm... well, let me describe him and see if something fits. He's a gentleman, considerate, smart, funny, witty, attractive (ok, ok, he's handsome) and he's got a great voice. Don't even think it because you're right. CR and voices, again. What can I say? A man's voice really turns me on.

Oh! I've got his name. He actually gave it to himself. He's Tall, Dark, and Convenient (TDC). Convenient because he lives near Kansas already. We're off to a good start. Plus we have similar views on things. He sent me a drasha (I'll have to go into another time) that really hit home with me.

There's so much more to write about what's going on with me, but not enough time right now. I hope y'all are enjoying Chanuka. I know I am!

Happy Chanuka!!

Thought you would like to see my menorah.

A Bonus

I was sitting in Starbuck's today near the door. It opened, and I looked up. I smiled slightly because it was a frum woman. She gave me a bigger smile even though it was obvious we didn't know each other. I smiled wider too. Then we recognized each other!

We did the usual girl thing, kissing and hugging and saying in high voices, "I haven't seen you in such a long time." Of course, we started laughing too. Ya see, this was someone I grew up with from Kansas. I knew she lived in the area, but we hadn't seen each other in at least three years. We both also looked very different. She had lost weight and my hair is 12 inches longer and it's natural color.

It was so great to see her! We've always had a connection even though we didn't go to the same school. She was the younger sister of a friend of mine. Actually I'm friends with all three of the sisters. There have been times when I've been closer to one than the others, but that was mostly because of distance and location. They come from a wonderful, open family that makes you feel so welcome.

It would've made my day just to have a stranger smile broadly at me, but it was even better because it was a friend. I guess it's that out-of-town mentality instilled deep inside us. GO KANSAS!!!

This is what my mother calls a bonus, something unexpected and good you get for behaving like a mensch. If I hadn't of smiled, she wouldn't have smiled back and it wouldn't have progressed. We would have both missed out on seeing each other. Sooooo I have an open invitation for me and DB for Shabbos, and we might even end up living close to her and her family. Her children attend the school I hope DB can switch too.


btw-She mentioned that she might have someone to set me up with. Yes, I know I'm going out with someone. It was just very sweet of her to think of me.

Something So Sweet

Thursday night as DB was falling asleep he was hugging our cat, really, his cat and singing to her. "Everything is gonna be alright, alright, alright...." He even sang the word every like I do in the next line of the song. "Evvvvvv ry little thing is going to be alright."

He glanced over at me to make sure that I couldn't hear him. He was singing so softly. So I pretended to be very occupied with the book I was reading even as the tears were blurring the words on the page in front of me.

I hope that song brings him the comfort it has brought to me. I cannot express how much I love my boy and that I hope his life is filled with joy and laughter. He deserves it.

Being Me

I haven't really written anything deep, no, that's not the word... substantial, maybe, not sure... ummm, from my soul, possibly, but I think that's more than what I mean to say.

OK, for what it is, I haven't written any of the above in my posts lately. Most of those thoughts and feelings have been expressed in phone calls, or e-mails, to new friends and old. I've been extremely emotional. OK, I haven't really expressed that too much, but it's been there right below the surface. All it took was a few kind words and tears were in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. I thought that it was all because of a lack of sleep, but I'm not sure now.

I know that not getting enough sleep will skew my view of the world, and I will automatically become more emotional. Just fair warning for all of you out there. By emotional, I usually mean tears. The big fat ones that well up in your eyes and blur your vision before they coat your lashes and face to finally fall off your chin and form a big wet puddle on your shirt. The ones that you don't even bother trying to hide or wipe away. The ones that release the hurt in your chest into slow deep breathing leading to bone tired need to rest.

Let me just say that for all my joy of sex, and of being in the company of guys, and not acting like a regular prissy, sensitive girl, I'm still a woman... needing love. Ugh! This is just getting too maudlin and self-pitying. C'mon, really... this isn't me. I'm starting to smile and laugh as I write now. I'm being just a little, OK, OK, get off my case, more than a little ridiculous.

Silly me. Maybe it's because I've been really open and revealing and so have other people I've been in contact with. I try not to get to involved in other people's hurt, but it doesn't work too well. My heart aches when I hear of their heartaches. I know I should just leave it, but how can I when people I care about are in pain.

Yes, I noticed, back to being maudlin. ENOUGH!!

Let's move on to different things, like the fact that I started, and have continued cleaning up the apartment. YAY CR!!! WAY TO GO BUD!!!! That is really how I talk to myself. Actually, I've been trying not to talk to myself too often because then it turns into overthinking. Quick, let's change the subject before I get drawn in. Even the word has a pull on me.


I've escaped. HOORAY!! So let's have fun.

I never told y'all about the dream. Whew! What a dream. First some background. I dream in technicolor with sounds and smells, feelings, and touch. I will also notice when I'm dreaming that I'm having a continuation of a dream I've had before. Some of the continuations take place weeks, and yes, years after the original dream. I remember dreams that I had when I was about five or six.

Soooooo, back to Pierce Brosnan. This man couldn't have exuded more desire, strength, and confidence if I had imagined him. OK, I did imagine him. But still, he came on strong, very strong, and believe it or not in the dream I just wasn't interested. Please don't start yelling at me. It was a dream. If he had approached me like that in real life, I would have followed him anywhere.

Sorry y'all, just read what I wrote and realized I can't post it. That's about all that's going out to you guys. If you want to hear more e-mail me. It's not that it's not G rated. It's that it's NR, maybe or not really X, but... well, whatever it is. I'm not putting it out there for the whole world.

Now on to NN. Since I've had some time to rest. I slept about a total 19 hours from the time Shabbos started until after Shabbos. I needed it, obviously.

So now I can think clearly, well, as clearly as I can think. I haven't asked NN all the questions that I would usually ask someone that I would date for tachlis. That is aside from the relocating. I'm not really sure where his income is coming from. What he see's himself doing in the future? If he thinks it would be possible for me to work part time, so that I could be home with DB and hopefully future kids? What kind of school he would like children to attend? And some other heavy duty questions.

Maybe that's why I'm not sure how I feel. I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling until I know I'm on the same page as he is and vice versa. I don't want to get pulled into the emotional part, and that's a big pull for me. I'm trying to keep my eyes open.

Anyway, he reads my blog. So this is basically a cop out. I was going to ask him over the phone tonight but he's not available. I think he might have read the post I wrote about him on Friday and he's pulling back. I don't know. You know what! This is not necessarily a cop out. This is where I figure things out for myself so if he chooses to read it. UGH! That's so not fair of me to write. NOW that is the cop out, by trying to blame him for reading this. Sorry....

Anyway, it looks like we're not going out tonight, next week or even next Sat. night. So I don't know what to think. This dating thing is such a pain. But the truth is I like him. I want to get to know him better. I want to ask him questions even though I am a big wuss and get all nervous. I also want to go out with him. See, I'm copping out again. Why don't I just call him and tell him this? Maybe he doesn't realize.

I was going to start this paragraph with the word "anyway" but noticed the two above it. Instead I'm just going to say that I'm not too good with this relationship/dating thing. I'm trying. I just need some help. So anyone out there have any thoughts please feel free to let me know it might make things easier.... or at least I'll learn something. Hey, here comes those lessons again.

update: just remembered what NN had to do tonight, and that he has to be up early tomorrow.

Stayed Out Late

OK, what you've all been waiting for.... the date.

I was absolutely exhausted but finally fell asleep for about 45 min. after I wrote the post yesterday. I had wanted to clean up the apt. some more, but I just wasn't functioning.

When I woke up I realized that the clothes I wanted to wear were at the cleaners. I got there before they closed, and then realized that the skirt was actually at home.

Yeah, you probably aren't interested in all that. "Get to the good part, CR!!" OK, OK, he picked me up and we went out to dinner. I remembered to put on perfume before I walked out the door and he said that I smelled good.

He looked good. Cute, actually handsome. I felt very comfortable with him. Well, we have been talking for an extended period of time. OH! I never even told you guys that I didn't want to go out with him in the first place. I only saw us as friends with no benefits because he wanted to go out. I didn't want any confusion to take place. I was straight out with this information, and he was OK with it at first.

Then at some point things changed. He was trying to convince me to go out with him everytime we spoke. At first, I thought he was joking, but when he kept on pushing I realized he really did want to go out with me. I asked him what changed, and why he wanted to go out with me now. He told me at least 20 times, but for the life of me I can't really remember why.

After about two weeks of him trying to convince me, he wore me down enough that I said yes.

Let's be honest here. He's kind, caring, funny, handsome, understanding, I feel comfortable with him, but there's just a part of me that's holding back. I'm not really sure why. OH!!!! Major biggie!!! He can relocate. Maybe it's because he can relocate that I'm not sure. Maybe I should just date him and get to know him better.

I still haven't come up with a name for him. I think it's just going to be NN (no name).

I've Got A Date!

Yup, it's true! It's not wishful thinking. I didn't make it up. I have a date!!!.

Can't decide what to call the guy. Maybe I'll have a name for him by the end of the night. Can't decide what to wear, but I'm sure I'll be able to figure something out. The most important thing that I can't decide about it is how to wear my hair.

OK, guys I'm sure you are tuned out at this point... Anyway, I didn't have a chance to get my haircut before Thanksgiving. It's long, very long, down past my shoulder blades, long enough to cut and give to Locks of Love with enough left over so that I won't be bald. That's why I've been growing it. I usually wear it in a doubled up ponytail at the back of neck with a baseball hat on my head. It's much easier than spending an hour blowdrying it and curling it.

I should be sleeping since I went a day without sleep and last night I only got 5 hours. BUT I think I'm a little wired. I feel a little more relaxed now that I've written about it. I'm gonna try to close my eyes again. I don't want to be yawning or have my face fall into my food while we're out.

BTW-I like him!

I'm Baaaaack!

Yup, I'm back in Oz. Believe it or not I'm also unpacked, AND everything is put away!!! Holy Moly Batman!! It looks like a different apartment. Are you sure this is home?!?!?

I'm a little punch drunk and wired on caffeine. I felt the need to tell you in case you couldn't figure it out. Which you very well can't. My hands are shaking a little and as much as I know I need the sleep my eyes just aren't closing. PLUS and that's a big PLUS, I've missed writing. I know I just wrote a post yesterday, but man, that was my first post in about a week.

I've got a lot to say and only about an hour to say it. Then DB will be up and I've got mucho errands to run after I drop him off at school; including court, the dry cleaners, the shoemaker, some food shopping, and the bank. OOOH almost forgot I have to pay some bills too.

Soooo about Thanksgiving... it was quiet this year only about 35 people and most everyone was gone by 8 p.m. It was kind of disappointing not to see all the cousins, but everyone who was there had a good time. I had invited GF and she brought along her son. After seeing who some of my relatives were she said that she understood how I was related to so many people in Kansas. She also came over for Shabbos lunch too, and it's great to have a new friend in Kansas who isn't even related.

I saw an old friend/boyfriend on Shabbos. He looked great. He's a bigshot doctor, married with five children and we picked up as if we had seen each other yesterday instead of 15 years ago. It's nice to see he's still the same sweet guy I had a crush on in high school. Hey! He even recognized me, and I look a lot different than the way I did then.

One of the tough things about holidays for children of divorced families is who you are going to spend them with. I'm lucky though, my parents get along and feel comfortable around each other. That wasn't necessarily the case when I was younger, but after the grandchildren were born things changed. Ever since I was little, maybe around five years old, I couldn't wait to have my own house in Kansas and that way I could invite all my family members including my dad and mom. It's still a dream of mine. I want to be able to share the joy and laughter and yes, the stress too. Hey, if I'm inviting all those people there's going to be some stress involved. I'm sure the oven will stop working or the refrigerator will break, but that will just add more to the memories and laughter.

There's more to say. I don't want to forget to tell you about my dream with Pierce Brosnan (from when he was in The Thomas Crown Affair, major HOT) and Brad Pitt, but I'm finally winding down. Of course if I went to sleep now I would wake up sooooo very cranky. It looks like I will just catch up on my blog reading. I want to know what's been going on with all of you. I hope I'll be able to write more this week, but I know I'm going to be very busy out of the house and working on papers. I never thought that I would crave writing this much.

btw- I know this has nothing to do with this post. I've been kind of rambling anyway. I've decided that I like it better when an author puts his thoughts about a story after the story and not before. I don't want to be told what to expect. I want to figure it out for myself and just enjoy the words. THEN, I would love to know how the story came into being.

OH! I found a book of children's poetry by Dean Koontz at Barnes & Nobles today. It's along the lines of Jack Prelutsky a CR family fave. We have several of his books. We really like the ones with the illustrations by Peter Sis.

Another thing... It looks like I'm going to be taking a course on Orton-Gillingham, which deals with methods of helping dyslexic children learn to read. Soooo excited. It will help me to help DB. Then I can also tutor and make some MUCH needed money.

Happiness Is A...

...good book, and all the books I've read by Harlan Ellison are included in that category.

I just got a new one today. A special treat because someone had given DB some books we already had at home. We returned them and I let him pick out some for himself. Then I got one.

HOORAY!! It's mine. It doesn't have to be returned at a specific time. The local library doesn't have that great an assortment of Science Fiction. I can read it now and then choose to read it again in two months without having to be concerned that it's been checked out. I can take it with me into the tub and not have to worry about drops of water on the pages. I can savor it along with chocolate chip cookies and care less about the crumbs that fall.

I've got a huge crush on Harlan Ellison. How could I not when he writes the way he does? This book is a compilation of some of his short stories but with an introduction before each one. I totally love (I was trying to come up with a different description but this is what stuck) when an author does this. You can look into his mind and heart and see how he ticks or tocks.

For all you people who kind of tuned out as soon as you saw the words Science Fiction, WAKE UP!!! This man is one of the greatest short story writers. I feel like a fool trying to use the same words he does in describing him. The words that he transforms into thoughts of gold or dung however you choose to see it. He holds no punches and faces the world with his wicked humor and enduring hope. Yes, Mr. Ellison, your hope is evident as much as you might want to hide it and shovel it under the sarcasm of events that your characters endure. This hope, to quote you, is that "you are not alone"... even with your deepest fears.

Going to stop writing and start reading letting my mind follow along with his.

Again

I've been tagged by MAK so here goes:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself: some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and list their names and link to them.
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.


1. Since y'all know I'm weird to begin with, the fact that one of my nicknames used to be superchicken shouldn't surprise you.

2. I've become friends with the people who work for the collection agencies. I owe a lot of money. That's what happens when you get divorced, and I get weekly calls from some of the same people.

3. My brother does a great Redd Foxx imitation.

4. I used to dream I was an Indian Princess that was captured and I was adopted by my mom and dad, but someday I would be returned to the tribe to live in a tee pee and ride wild horses.

5. I shop for DB's clothes at least a year in advance at end of season sales, and I buy t-shirts for myself at the same time. It looks like this year I will be buying the same size for both of us.

6. Computers don't like me. No, they haven't told me that. I'm just assuming it from their actions.

7. Exercise and high doses of B vitamins keep my pms at bay.



I tag Rafi, Scraps, Jameel, Cat, Doc, Hesh, Frumhouse

A Case Of The I Wants

I want a loving man
arms around me
lips on mine
eyes of understanding

I want a family of children
sticky hands on my shoulders
laughing faces
mischevious eyes

I want a dream fulfilled
heartaches soothed
emptiness erased
tearful eyes of joy

but

you don't always get what you want

Tagged!

I was tagged by Frum House to do "the eight". This post took much longer than expected because I felt the need to explain my choices which is really another one of my passions... understanding the reason why about something.


8 passions in my life:

My family, especially DB - This means being a good daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a good mother, and being a good mother includes not talking bad about DB's father to or around DB

Sex/men - Enjoying, appreciating, accepting and understanding (well, trying to understand) the differences between men and women and revelling in them.

Smiling/being able to laugh at most anything

Children - being with them, sometimes acting like one and viewing the world through their eyes

Reading - It was an escape for me when I was a child and I didn't want to/wasn't able to face the hurt in the world. It still is. Plus books are a source of knowledge and "if you can read a book you can do anything" - CR's mom

Judging someone favorably. You never know what they're going through or have been through.

Enjoying the world around me and being thankful for the ability to enjoy it which includes sunsets, water, wind, people

loving unconditionally and often - most definitely includes hugs and kisses... yummy.

If I could add something here it would be manners. They show that you respect, care about and are considerate of the people around you.


8 things I often say:

I don't know. What do you think? Let's go look it up. - I say this to DB to show him that adults don't know everything... no one does and that there's nothing wrong with admitting it, but then you have to go find the answer.

I'm not promising, but I'll do my best. - I DO NOT promise!!! I've been disappointed to many times by people who have promised things to me and I will not hurt anyone the same way.

Stooooooop it!!!! - said with laughter in my voice

OK, I admit it. You're right.

Bet you a nickel - in my family the most we bet, actually the only amount we bet is a nickel.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. - I say this to people when I'm wrong (No duh, CR), and that includes DB. I want him to understand that everyone deserves an apology even children.

All I care about is that you tried your best. - The result (sometimes) doesn't matter if you have tried and tried to do your best at something.

Thank you, Hashem. - I say this when I find something, when I see DB's smile, when I realize just how lucky I am, whenever and wherever.


8 books I read recently:

Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities of Travel Through Time by J. Richard Gott - I am a geek and am actually enjoying learning physics or some of the concepts. This book explains how and if certain famous science fiction stories of time travel could work or not work.

Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion; The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech

Brother Odd by Dean Koontz. - I really enjoy his books. OK, that's an understatement. They are filled with love, determination, facing your fears, humor, and belief in the human race.

The EVERYTHING Parent's Guide to Children With Dyslexia by Abigail Marshall. - An amazing book that's filled with so much useful information about understanding and helping a child with dyslexia

If I Ran The Zoo by Dr. Seuss. - DB's choice for a bedtime story last night.

Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen - I'm a sucker for romance.

Between Parent And Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott revised and updated - A wonderful parenting book that teaches among other things not to blame just to acknowledge and move forward.

New York Civil Practice Law and Rules (2003 Redbook) and case law regarding divorce and child custody issues. I wish I was able to afford LexisNexis online. It would make my life so much easier. And yes, I know I need a newer version of the CPLR.


8 songs that mean something to me:

I Love You A Bushel And A Peck from Guys And Dolls - My mother still sings it to me and just about everyone else. I've adopted the practice and have passed it down to DB and some of his cousins.

Put Your Shoes On, Lucy by Petula Clark - We sing it when we are getting dressed and getting ready to go out.

Marine Corp Anthem - My father used to sing it to my brother and me as a lullaby.

It's An Outrage! from Oklahoma! - DB sings it by heart and with the exact accents, tones, inflections and actions as the actors.

My Little Boy words and music by my mom. - It was originally titled My Little Pearl but when my brother was born she would sing it to him as My Little Boy. I've added another verse specifically for DB.

Now Run Along Home And Jump Into Bed - My mother would sing it to us as the first lullaby of the night. She usually continued with at least one more song when putting us to sleep as children.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright music and words by my mom. The explanation about why I love this song is in this post.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond - Thursday nights cooking for Shabbos and dancing around the kitchen with my momand brother.


8 Qualities I look for in a friend:

Non-judgemental/acceptance

loving (which means giving of yourself without expecting anything in return)

making yourself available

sense of humor/fun-loving

understanding or trying to understand

ability to listen

kindness/caring

forgiveness


8 people I tag:

Tr8ergirl
Chaverah
Ellie
Curly Girl
Sarah
Shosh
Jack
Smoo
Lubab

I've realized that most of what I've written in this post has to do with being an example for DB so that he will one day grow up to be a happy, loving, considerate, caring man surrounded by others who feel the same for him.

Can You Find The Post?

I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm having more sex than the person writing me. I hate to disappoint you guys, but it's just not true. I've also been told that I had sex with two different people in the same week, but it's not the case either. Of course, I could be wrong, but you would have to prove it to me.

I've had sex twice in the last two months. Before that I had sex once after 4 months. I'll do the math for you. That's a total of three times within 6 months. If you can show me differently in my posts then I will have to believe you, but I don't see that happening.

I might want to have a lot of sex, but I'm not getting it. I wish the opposite was true. Actually, I wish that I would meet Mr. Right and have all the sex you guys think I'm having.

Online Dating

The guys who made this video won a contest to meet the singer, Brad Paisley. I just remembered this song after I finished reading NJG's post about lying on your dating profile.

I don't lie on my profile. As a matter of fact, I go out of my way to make sure that the men reading it know exactly how old I am. They are going to find out sooner or later anyway.

I like the line about having a threesome.

A Surprise Visit

I met BGB, and I never really expected that to happen. I got a phone call around 10:30 last night that he was near my neighborhood... or so he said. He was actually a good 20-30 minutes away, but he wanted to know if I wanted to come out with him and a friend of his. I really don't get out that often and to go out with people I enjoy sounded like fun.

We didn't go too far just to the pizza shop where we had a "discussion" about my jacket and shirt and the color orange and tan. It turns out that BGB and his friend were not that well versed in colors, but the guys working behind the counter were. If I recall correctly, they said that my jacket was orange and even BGB's friend agreed to that after he got a bottle of Sunkist and put it up against my jacket. I think I'm owed a nickel.

Before I go any further in this post I have to say that they both did something that made me feel so good about knowing them. They said their brochos (blessings) on their food out loud. I know I didn't. I was feeling a little shy, but this is something that is important to me. I am medadek about DB saying brochos and especially about him saying them out loud wherever we are. I do it too.

Yes, I know it shouldn't have mattered who I was with and I've learned a lesson from that. From now on I will say my brochos out loud. It's funny because there are times when I'm not sure of the correct bracha and I even carry around a brochos book with me so I can check. Yes, I went to Bais Yaakov. Yes, we had a yearly B'rochos Bee in second and third grade, but it wasn't encouraged aside from that.

DB is used to saying his B'rochos so that when he asks for a drink of water at night he will say the b'racha in his sleep and drink with his eyes closed. It makes me very proud. He's also very aware of whether or not I say amein to his b'rochos.

Anyway, it was wonderful to see these two men say b'rochos out loud, and I hope DB will do that when he is grown.

OK, back to the post.

We left or rather the pizza store was closing and we had no choice but to go. So we hung out in the car for a couple hours listening to music and talking. I felt like I was in high school again, out with my friends on a Sat. night, with nowhere to go but not ready to say good night. It was so much fun. I did a lot of laughing and felt so at ease with them. We got along great and I even got a poem about my name out of it. BGB's friend wrote it. Sorry, you guys can't see it. He used my real name. Oh! I should've had him do it with "Come Running"... maybe next time.

When they dropped me off BGB walked me back to my apartment like a gentleman. NO! There was no goodnight kiss or anything else. Yeah, yeah, I know what you guys were thinking. But it wasn't like that. It was just what I needed and I don't remember if I said thank you to them. Ugh! That is so not like me! As soon as I know that BGB is awake I'm going to call him and make sure that he knows that I had a wonderful time and he should relay that to his friend.

I went to bed smiling.

Booty Call

Chassidish and I have been keeping in touch with short "how are you" e-mails when we see each other on Frumster, but last night I got a call from him. I didn't expect it, but it was nice to hear his voice. After talking about kids and joking around for awhile, I finally asked him about why he had stopped calling so suddenly.

I completely understood when he said that he was starting to feel things and since he couldn't relocate he needed some space. He had started off the conversation with, "Are you going out with anyone?" Then he progressed to "Are you still going to be relocating to Kansas?" I answered him no to the first question and yes to the second.

He started joking around and asked me again about relocating. Then he mentioned that he missed me. I was a little surprised at that. Yes, I know men have feelings too. I'm just not usually privy to them especially when they concern me. I asked him how his dating was going and he said he had a few "friends" but no one to date for tachlis. So he's getting some, but wants more from a relationship.

We slipped easily into the flirting and double entendres and I found out he was still at work. It was late, but he usually works late. I told him to go home, but why go home when there's no one there? His voice got deeper (y'all know how voices do it for me), and he said he would go home if I would meet him there. I started laughing and then coughing. My cold got a little worse last night.

"There's no way I'm leaving my bed tonight," was what I said, and he immediately retorted, "That's OK I'll join you there." My coughing started again because the laughter did too. I didn't answer so he tried a roundabout way to get into my bed. He said he couldn't decide if he should head home or to me. I told him to go home, but he finally said he didn't want to and went into specifics which I will NOT elaborate on.

It was kind of flattering and tempting, but I had the feeling that if we started fooling around again it might get hard (pun intended) for him feelings-wise. He's a good guy and I didn't want him to get hurt even though it would've been fun.... a lot of fun.

You Give Me Fever

DB is sick with fever, croupy cough and all the good stuff, and like the good boy I'm teaching him to be he's decided to share with me.... just the fever. I'm prone to croup. Yes, I'm an adult, but for some strange reason I can still get croupy. My second year in Eretz Yisrael I had to go to the hospital it was so bad. I'm relieved that I only have the hot feeling on my eyelids right now and not the cough.

It looks like we'll be spending the tomorrow inside watching PBS and The Price Is Right on tv while on the sofa wrapped in a blanket. Don't forget the orange juice, tea and honey and popsicles.

Welcome To The World!!

MAZEL TOV!!!! MAZEL TOV!!!!

Shmellen had a beautiful baby boy! Hooray! Both Mommy and baby (JS) are fine and healthy. Don't really have time to write more. I'm extremely busy, but I couldn't let this wonderful occasion pass by without saying anything. xoxoxoxox I love you guys!

Ticket To Ride

I just remembered that I have a roundtrip plane ticket that I haven't used yet. It was bought for me by a potential date and never used. He came to see me instead, and that's about where it ended.

Anyway, I've got a ticket with nowhere to go. I can take a trip. WOW!!! I can take off and just forget about things. Maybe I'll go out west skiing. Aaah! Gotta love powder! Or maybe I'll go to an Island somewhere and bask in the sun. Just thinking about it makes me feel so free. Any suggestions???

Five Things

...you wouldn't know about me from reading my Frumster profile. I got tagged by WebGirl

1) I get lonely

2) I talk in my sleep. I haven't ever heard myself, but I've been told this on several occasions.

3) I love cashmere, but can't really afford it right now. I do have a rainbow collections of cashmere sweaters in my closet, but I would love some cashmere pj's... yummy softness right next to your skin.

4) As much as compliments tend to make me feel uncomfortable I like to hear them from the man in my life.

5) Staying at home cuddling on the sofa reading or watching a movie makes me just as happy as being out with my friends.

I tag Sweet Rose, ~Sarah~, Passionate Life, DaBoys including DaGirl, Frum Satire

Selling Myself

Someone who wants me with my passion mirrored in his eyes
I won't sell myself. This is who I am, and I want a man to revel in that. I want to know everything about him be able to spot him a city block away just by his walk. To know his laugh as a rumble of joy and crinkling of eyes.

I want his arms around me. surrounding me, enclosing us. the two into one. the quiet breathing of sleep next to me waking to the smile of sun through slotted blinds and birds on windowsills.

Peaches

I enjoy eating. Yes, I know most people do. I also like almost every food out there, and I'm willing to try just about everything once.

We have a rule in our family that you have to at least try it. If you don't like it you don't have to finish it. DB has discovered many foods that he likes because of this rule. The flip side is that I have had to try Slurpees with every flavor mixed together. Ugh! It tastes worse than cough medicine. I've also had to try DB's creations in the kitchen which is why he is learning to cook... some of those creations were horrible and that's an understatement. I think he came up with them just so he could see the faces I make when I put them in my mouth.

DB will eat just about anything I serve him. He's not a chicken fingers and french fries only kid. He likes fish (no, not just fish sticks), steak, veal, vegetables and fruit, but he doesn't like peaches. I'm to blame. Peaches are just too fuzzy for me. Oh! I forgot about raisins. They remind me of bugs and I just don't eat them mixed in foods. I will eat them out of the box though.

We both love frozen blueberries and Pink Lady apples. And the fact that he's my kid means that chocolate is a favorite food group. Just don't serve us a peach pie with raisins.

Friends

Yup, we're friends. At least that's the way I feel. If we don't end up going out, I will still be content. He's a good guy and that's an extremely high compliment in my book. There are some major differences in the way we each approach dating and whether or not we analyze everything or just go out and experience life. It doesn't matter. I understand where he's coming from, and I feel that he "gets" me.

Something inside of me clicked tonight. I saw him more as a friend, someone I could count on to share good times and bad. I can see myself being friends with him forever. He's easy to talk to and really listens... even if he does go "hmmmmm" while I'm talking. It makes me feel like I'm at the doctor's when he does that.

We haven't met face to face yet, but have spent hours upon hours on the phone. I'll let you know if we do ever manage to go out.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I care about him and enjoy him. No, not in that way. I'm not always thinking about sex. Yeah, yeah, I know... it might not be always but sex is on my mind most of the time.

btw-I wonder what his lips taste like?