We Agree And Excuses

I wrote to Pen yesterday and I left him my number. There was just too much to explain that writing it just didn't make sense. He called and we joked around a bit, did some Jewish geography, and then got down to business. That's what it felt like because I really had a rein on my emotions.

I explained to him the reasons for my wanting to relocate to Kansas not only did he hear me he understood me... Pen even did "mirroring" -- the thing therapists recommend when you are having a serious discussion or argument with someone. You repeat back to them but in your own words what the person just said to you. That way you know whether or not you are both on the same page. But it wasn't even necessary for him to do that. He got what I said as soon as I said it, and I knew immediately what direction he was going in the conversation.

We almost hung-up without coming to any real decision on if we were going to meet. But I knew that continuing with the phone calls would make it harder to finally say good-bye. Soooooo... it was a mutual "good-bye, take care, if I know of anyone for you I'll send them your way," and don't forget most importantly "if anything changes for either of us regarding moving we will immediately contact each other."

After that conversation I called Bud. I had called him the night before because I was afraid that I would make the same mistake that happened with him. I knew that I could count on him to talk me out of it. Gretel and Shmellen weren't available, and I didn't want to discuss it with Mamasita. Of course I couldn't get in touch with Bud either. But I made the right decision anyway... I guess what I really wanted was someone to kvetch and whine to about how "it's not fair... I just want to find HIM already." Kinda proud of myself in the way that I handled it even though Pen and I spoke at night considering my tendencies.

I haven't spoke to Denver recently because I've been so busy with forensics, parents coming up, and preparing for trial. As I write it I hear how lame that sounds. I've had time to correspond with Pen write my blog. I'm just not that interested and I don't want to commit myself to a whole weekend with him if he comes to Oz. I don't know how to say that so I guess I've been avoiding him. Here's a good one maybe I should just come right out and say that to him but use the excuse of the trial for me not being able to spend the whole weekend. Denver's intelligent and will probably understand that it is just that, an excuse and if he still wants to come to Oz will also line up other dates for himself.

Willing left me a message after Memorial Day weekend like he said he would, but I didn't call him back. It's rude, I know. It's just that Geek and I had started writing to each other and I didn't want to commit to a date with Willing if I was also going to go out with Geek. I won't date two guys at the same time. It's hard enough for me to make a decision as it is. Just who I am I think things over again and again and compare, and think things over again. I don't want to have to make a decision between two guys.

Now I don't have to. Geek never replied to my latest message. Nothing.... no, age difference excuse, I've gotten kind of busy now can I contact you later, or even "I've thought it over and don't think I can date someone who already has a child," I'm wondering what I did, maybe he doesn't know how to tell me those things or somehow deleted my message. It could also be that he just doesn't care, isn't interested, but enjoyed the attention for awhile. I prefer thinking it was one of the first two. I want to be dan l'kaf z'chus.

Should I write him again? A short note, "Hey, what's up?" Or is that lame? I need to think about it. Any words of wisdom for me out there????

But first let me just say that I didn't let him know about the relocation. Yeah, yeah, I'm up front with everyone else. It's just that I already had one strike against me (having DB, although I think DB is a plus, but I'm his mom) that I wanted him to get to know me a little better so he could work his way through that one and then I would've told him. He did write in his Frumster profile that he was willing to relocate. But that could just mean to NJ not somewhere farther like Kansas. Or He found my blog and realized I didn't tell him about relocation and is pissed and feels misled by me and that I don't even deserve any more effort or explanation.

In The Light Of Day Or Dr. Jekyll And Ms. Hyde

For some reason I tend to make relationship and dating mistakes after the sun has gone down. Some part of me emerges and takes control or maybe some part of me disappears and I lose control and become more involved with my feelings rather than follow what my intellect knows is the best path.

I received a message from Pen-Pal and wouldn't you know he started calling himself that on his own. I don't think he reads this blog even though he did start using that term immediately after my post. I thought I had a handle on things because even though we were corresponding it was still through frumster. It is now obvious to me that things have gotten out of control; my control that is. Pen's most recent message from two nights ago is doing the "Well, what if you met someone and fell in love? Wouldn't you stay in Oz?" and the "Are you sure you have to relocate?" I didn't lead him on or maybe I'm not aware that I am. What I just realized (UH, DUH!!! ) is that any contact or messaging is encouraging. Another lesson learned. What number am I up to now???

What to do? Since it's the light of day and I making sure to write him NOW, I know I should just say "Thanks, but I don't think it would be fair to either of us." Just to let you know he and I already agreed on this point, but I guess it needs to be reiterated. It should be my mantra. He even admitted to previously having a long distance relationship, it didn't work out, and he was left very hurt.

It appears to me that some people including me find the need for romantic contact or rather want someone to love them that they will even start a relationship that's bound to end in heartache. BTW-present company is always excluded. I don't know all you guys well enough to speak for you or your actions. I feel responsible. Actually I'm not going to accept full blame he's also responsible it takes two to tango.

Am I just too afraid to go out with someone available to me that I start a relationship with someone who is unavailable? Yes, I know that I am not the one who is starting i.e. I don't e-mail someone after they tell me they are unable to move. I also don't contact someone again who I've already discovered they are gud (geographically undesirable).

There's just one more thing to add into this mix I am a big flirt and it feels good to know that someone is interested in me. Actually, it feels DAMN GOOD!!! I've missed that... I'm the type of person that will smile at the guy behind me in line, start a conversation in the refrigerated section about yogurts, or wink at the guy stuck next to me in traffic. BUT I also smile at other women and talk to them too. I like getting reflex smile from someone who then realizes what they've done and smiles even broader because it feels good.

Does anyone else out there find their inhibitions and control falter once the stars come out? I'm talking about this happening without any other substances i.e. alcohol.

Pen Pal and Soldier

Last night I got a message from this guy who had contacted me once before . The last time we were both interested in each other, but I told him that I would hopefully be moving to Kansas at the end of the summer and that's where I want to stay. Of course he couldn't move so we wished each other luck and said good bye.

He decided to try again and I told him the same thing, but then we started writing about Frumster and the other sites and which one is the lesser evil. Wouldn't you know he's smart, funny, interesting and I felt very comfortable with him. The last part could be because I knew that we weren't going to go out. We agreed to stay in touch just not that often so that we wouldn't get too involved with each other and end up hurt i.e. Charm/Bud. It was a lot of fun writing back and forth and we got along great. He's an out-of-towner originally and his sister and her family actually live in Kansas. He's going to go to Kansas for a simcha that's going to take place in the shul I daven at. So there's the possibility of us meeting. Although I'm not I want that to take place. Forget it, let's be honest... I do want it to take place, but it wouldn't be the best thing and so I don't want it to take place. YES! I know that I have contradictory feelings, but that's me. Actually that's my libido talking for me... or rather part of me.

Then someone from California contacted me. I wasn't particularly drawn to him, but I responded and then we ended up speaking on the phone. He was in the Marines, Navy, and Air Force. He is also a ger. That doesn't bother me, but what does concern me is that he's been married a couple of times and that he was trying to analyze me. It felt a little controlling, and I've been down that path before and don't plan on doing it again. He started asking me very personal questions and that also felt weird. Soooo.... I didn't respond to the message he left me the next day. I don't want to be pulled in to something not healthy. You see, I answered his questions.... please don't tell me that I didn't need to I know that already. Maybe it's just that I WANT SEX!!! Yup, I do... but with the right person. GEEZ LOUISE having a libido is a pain in the ass. I've even been having dreams about it. Except now I can't see myself having sex with someone I don't care deeply about and not regret it later. Where is Mr. Right when you need him?????

Oops, forgot to mention that Soldier really reminds me of the guy who moved to Israel. Both soldiers, both gerim, both been married at least twice, and both pushed things very fast. It took me a little longer to realize that Georgia wasn't in the healthiest mental or emotional place. I mean, how could he be? He wanted to marry me before he even met me and he wanted to take me ring shopping on our first date.... 'nough said.

"She Must Be Very Rich"

That's what DB said about Regina Spektor. And when I asked him why he answered "because everyone wants to buy her music." DB assumed that since he enjoys her music so much everyone else (in the world) does too.

DB is starting to acquire his own taste in music.... eclectic like his mom's. He likes Matisyahu but there are times when he asks me to put on "the other reggae music not the Jewish one." He is referring to Bob Marley. It's not that I don't play kids music for him (Rafi, Uncle Moishy, Sesame Street....) It's that I play all kinds of music for him including classical and yes, even opera. I love it when he tells me that a piece is "fun" or "scary."

But lately we've been enjoying Regina. He's been humming and singing her songs to himself while playing and doing homework. The first time I had her most recent CD playing DB looked up from his legos and said "She's got taste, Mommy." When I asked him what he meant I discovered that he thought she was "original, and cool." I've got to agree with him and he's not the only one who has been singing along. She kept us entertained during the ride to Kansas and back.

Another Great Day

And boy am I enjoying them.

It's so relaxing to be in Kansas for me and DB. He has been so helpful and I haven't even had to remind him to get out of the bath, brush his teeth, say shema..... AND I didn't have to sit on his bed or even stay in his room until he fell asleep!!!!! HOORAY!!!!! I imagine that part of the reason for this is that he feels safe and loved here.

There wasn't even any whining today even though the temp was in the 90's, we spent a lot of time outside, didn't get to go swimming, and he didn't get to buy the tadpoles that he "really, really, really" wanted. While we were at the nursery choosing flowers to plant he was reaching into the water to grab the squirmy things and take a look at their legs. I'm also surprised that he didn't complain when he didn't get a snowball for dessert tonight.

For everyone who lives in Oz and anywhere that's not Kansas, a snowball is very finely crushed ice with a flavored syrup poured over it. They're in a styrofoam cup to slow down it's melting, and are eaten with a spoon until there's only colored liquid left at the bottom which you drink while trying not to spill it down your shirt. You can also get marshmallow put on top for an extra 25 cents.

It's the true taste of summer... sky blue-can't really explain this flavor, but it's not blueberry or raspberry or any berry, and ooooooh, yummy chocolate with extra squirts and marshmallow on top. For all you calorie conscious people there are even an assortment of sugar free flavors. The whole thing in an extra large size with extra flavoring is about two bucks and worth every penny. There are always lines outside of snowball shacks no matter what time of day and the adults smile at one another while the children seriously debate which flavor changes the color of their tongues and tastes the best.

I want to clarify that a snowball is most definitely not a snow cone that has only three flavors and hard crunchy ice that melts through the paper cone before you've even gotten halfway through it. I am looking forward to standing in line tomorrow and trying to decide whether to stick with one of my old favorites or try bubblegum or even root beer. That reminds me of birch beer, but I'll get into that another time.


Dating Update:

Have been speaking to Denver, but I'm finding that I really don't enjoy our conversations as much. BUT-- I am still willing to go out with him... so when I get back to Oz we are going to arrange a weekend to get together. The thing is I don't want to commit an entire weekend to one person. I usually do a lot of work on the case and around the house when DB isn't with me, not to mention having some down time from people who want something from me i.e. DB, my attorney, the kids I take care of.....

I'm also supposed to have a date with Willing, and I am going to follow through on that too. It's just that I like Geek ( a lot). I'm enjoying our e-mails and am looking forward to hearing his voice. He's intelligent and feels comfortable joking around... we're also on the same page about actual halacha and invented chumras upon chumras.

I know that I am projecting certain feelings that I have for him and I am trying to keep a lid on it. You've heard me get excited (well, actually read) in the beginning about every guy I communicate with. I don't know if it's because 1) I really just like guys 2) it's an ego boost to have someone interested in you 3) the idea that this could be the one. Whatever the reason I have tried to slow things down by not replying or even reading the message the same day I get it. This helps remind me that I control my emotions and not the other way around.

I'm really proud of myself >>claps<<. I've seen Mr. Man on Frumster recently and have not looked at his profile or contacted him in any way.


Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day and don't forget to thank a soldier if you see one (that's the daughter of a marine talking) Let's get them home and safely

Feels Like Home

Yup, I packed up and drove us to Kansas again. As I was driving down I mentioned to DB that the books I just bought for him came from a store on the way and that some of them only cost fifty cents. "Please, mom, please can we stop. I can pay you back. I have allowance money." I can't resist a child who wants to go buy some books so we stopped. I let him pick out anything he wanted and told him he didn't have to pay me back. It only cost me about four bucks and he had a grin that wouldn't leave his face for the last hour of the drive.

Shavuos was fantastic.... relaxed, laid back, learning with DB, cheesecake, eating outside in the shade with about thirty family members who were all happy to spend time together... and that was only the first day. DB looked gorgeous in his linen shorts and shirt. The sweater vest he wore reminded me of a tennis sweater. His hair is getting blonder from all the time he has been spending outside in Kansas. The family that moved in next door to Bubbi has a little boy the same age. They have completely hit it off and are now best buddies and enjoy playing in the grass with their guns, cannons, lasers, arrows, spears (you get the picture... they're little boys) they make out of Kinex, Lego, branches and anything else they get their hands on.

Today's lunch was with other family members. Cousins upon cousins. They came back with us and brought some friends. We played $25,000 pyramid again. I thought I would get some sleep but they dragged me downstairs in my pajamas to fight over which team I was going to join. The little ones ran in and out of the house from the swing set to the freezer (popsicles) and back again. I really couldn't have asked for anything nicer except maybe someone special to share this with me.

Which brings me to the two new guys I wrote to on Frumster. Chassidish has a smile that beams sunshine into your life. I had noticed him before, but never wrote to him... he's younger and I wasn't sure if I wanted to initiate contact when I have stuff going on with Denver and Willing. But I'm a sucker for smiling eyes and boy does he have them. Mon. night I just couldn't resist any longer...

Chassidish wrote back immediately and we stayed up late writing back and forth to one another only for me to find out that he is not able to relocate to Kansas. He seemed as disappointed as I was and sort of left the door open for me to start something anyway. I just wished him well and told him that if I knew of anyone for him I would send her his way. He said he would do the same for me.

Disappointed I checked out the other people who were still up and found Geek. A description he used of himself. There wasn't a picture and he is three years younger, but when I read his profile I smiled. I decided to save time and came right out and asked him if he dates older women. Geek wrote back before yontif and is thinking about it. He's not sure about a ready made family, but since he felt a connection with me he's considering dating me. This was without him even seeing my picture. Wow! I got to see his and he doesn't look like any geek I've ever met. I'm not sure what will happen, but I am looking forward to getting to know him better. I'm much more interested in him than in Denver and Willing... there was just something about his writing that appealed to me even before I saw his picture.

Reading About Dating

On the way to and from Kansas this past week I managed to stop at this book outlet. The prices are pretty good, but they were having a sale so they were even better. If you purchased over $15 of books they would take off 50% of your total. That's an invitation I couldn't resist. Plus there were stacks of books for a buck each.... hardcover books. I had a party. I couldn't hold all the books and they were soon spilling out of the basket I was given..... mysteries (for mom), illustrated classics for children (for DB), books about Marines, battles and Israel (for dad)... Every book I purchased (even if it was for someone else) will be read by me eventually, but I'm the only one in the family reading science fiction, the classics, and books about neurodevelopmental dysfunction, auditory processing disorder, dating , marriage and sex in marriage.


Books are my friends. Yes, I have human friends too. But I've always turned to books as a refuge and as enjoyment. I get lost in the words and the worlds become real. I've been an Indian princess (when I was younger), scientists, explorers of strange worlds, architects, doctors and cowboys not to mention a sorceress who can talk to animals, and a wizard of Earthsea. Whenever a movie comes out about a book I read I always hesitate about seeing it. I don't want to see the story changed or the characters look different than how I picture them... but usually my curiosity gets the better of me. Even when there is a picture of one of the characters on the book I try to ignore it and form my own view.


Kinda got sidetracked or maybe not.... I guess it's to be expected that I would also turn to books for information about dating. I've read lots of these books Mars And Venus On A Date, The Kettle The Fish and The Bird, The Everything Dating Book. I feel that I need as much help as possible because I don't want to end up with the same man twice. That is if I (want to) get married again. Yes, I know that's cynical. Maybe I'm thinking that way as a protection in case it ends up happening (that I don't get married). Deep down I know I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone. I want to share what I love with someone and be quiet with them in front of a fire on a rainy day, and wake up to kids jumping on top of us wanting to play, and go to bed knowing that we would only fall asleep after we were sweaty and out of breath.


Yeah, yeah, I haven't mentioned arguments or bill paying and kids interrupting you in bed because they don't feel well and then happen to throw up all over you. I know what's involved. I just think it would be nice to share it with someone who could kiss me when we makeup and let me handle the bill paying on time, and most of all join in my laughter and cleaning up of the gross stuff after the child is put to bed feeling better.


Obviously, I did some reading about dating this Shabbos. Maybe it will help me later on down the line. I think it might even help me now. One book made me feel better about saying good-bye to Man and to be proud that I didn't continue in a relationship that would end up going nowhere. But the downfall is that it is really more difficult for me to imagine csbf and I really would like sex without any attachments. Having some has left me wanting more except now I think I would like to have it all. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

I Called

I called The Man, Mr. Man. I'm going to use the excuse of being exhausted and not thinking straight along with the strong smell of pot that is wafting into my bedroom. My next door neighbors are smokin' like a chimney, and it appears that I might have a contact high..... Yes, I am inhaling. I can't stop breathing... ;)

A long time ago...... in a galaxy far far away.... wrong story. A long time ago when I used to smoke up it would make me extremely (no other way to say it) horny. I wanted sex and lots of it along with chocolate ice cream. Of course, it had to be good sex.... and chocolate fudge ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Well, I got to thinking after writing back and forth to Man that it would be sooooooo nice to hear his voice. In case you couldn't tell I have a thing for voices. We just got off the phone and no, I'm not going to meet him and I didn't invite him over. BUT I SURE WANTED TOO! I behaved myself.

We spoke for awhile, and I closed my eyes listening to the silk drift out of the phone and tickle my ear. And then we said good-bye. I'll miss him. If I wasn't moving or if he was able to move then I would be in his arms with my head on his chest listening to the rumbling of his sweet words cover my skin with their warmth.

I Forgot

Bud asked me yesterday what the bad thing was. I didn't know what he was referring to for a moment. Oh, my blog. I started laughing because I couldn't remember the terrible thing that had happened. Either it wasn't so terrible or I have a horrible memory.... Mommy brain, it happens when you're pregnant and never goes away. It's when you can recite all the character's names on the children's pbs shows, but you can't remember your own. Smoo has proven in his post that dads can get it too.

Anyway, the horrible thing is not so horrible... another lesson I've learned is that most things don't seem so bad the next day. It's amazing that I have learned how not to react (let me finish) or rather overreact when crazy things take place with the stbx. It only took ____ years to get me to this point. It's also pretty amazing that when I do let something really get to me it only takes about 15 minutes for me to calm down and realize the sky isn't falling. AND YES! That's an extremely big deal for someone as emotional as me. You see, I just feel my feelings, and wear them.... like a heavy dark gray raincoat or a light pink jacket that moves with the breeze on a brilliant spring day.... and most people around me can tell what I'm feeling.

So Bud and all you others out there you'll just have to live without knowing... Maybe next time I'll have enough energy to write it down before I forget.

gtg-- I've just driven back and forth to Kansas for the second time in 4 days and I'm wiped, but the ac and brakes are fixed on Squeaky -- they couldn't get rid of the squeak.

OH! Both Willing and Mr. Man wrote me e-mails today. Man wants to get together, but I know that since I feel a little something for him it would not be the best move. Although..... I do miss his laugh and voice... don't worry I'm not going to start something with someone who can't move. At least I'll try not to... I don't make promises.

Wonderful, Terrible Time

It always happens and yes, I am aware that I used the word always. That is because I can't remember a time during these past ____ years of the divorce that within a day or two of something fantastic happening, something horrible happens. At this point in time you would think that I am prepared and aware that something bad is going to take place.

OK, OK, I'll tell you what it is. Bad news first or good news first? I prefer the bad news then I can feel better when I hear the good news.... so here we go... uhh... changed my mind I'll go in chronological order.

Shabbos in Kansas was absolutely a blast!!!! Of course, driving down with no a/c in a minivan wasn't too much fun. Then the brakes started acting up right as we got to my mom's. But ice cream makes everything better. We weren't able to get the car to the shop before Shabbos, but I let it go and decided not to worry about something I had no control over.

Shabbos day was abosutely gorgeous. DB was outside in the a.m and then two of his buddies came over. One lives next door and is his age. He's new the neighborhood and DB and he have hit it off. Shabbos afternoon was a riot. The cousins came over with some friends. You see, my mom's home in Kansas has on open door policy. What that means is that she loves when everyone comes over and everyone (family, friends, friends of family members) knows this and feels welcome. DB and I beat two of his older cousins and their friends at $25,000 Pyramid. Bubbi (my mom) was the mc. Her face got so red from laughing and then all of us couldn't stop laughing. These guys were/are soooooooo competitive and started arguing over every little thing. It was too funny and we were all having a great time.

Then it started to pour and pour so they were stuck until after Shabbos and not a single one of us was upset about it. We played gin, and pool. And yes, my mother's house is a veritable game room.

OH!!! I got my mother's day present on Shabbos. DB brought it to the table during lunch.

Mother's Day was wonderful too. I cleaned the house the whole day. Well, that part wasn't wonderful, but I know my mom appreciated it. Finally, when two of the cousins came early. I got in the shower. Everyone was there. OK, Almost everyone, some cousins drove for over three hours just to be at the barbecue. HOLY MOLY!!! We had tables set up outside and the temp. was perfect with just a light breeze, no mosquitoes or bees or any other kind of bugs (much to DB's disappointment).

The kids were on the play set, in the woods, playing catch, and walking around with dirty faces. You could tell that the food was good; the kids faces were stained all different colors, not to mention their clothes. As a matter of fact I think most of us had at least one stain on a shirt or skirt from those sticky grubby hands. No one wanted to leave. There was no need really. We had a minyan. But when it started getting dark and little eyelids started drooping it was time to go. Then it was clean up time. I fell asleep as soon or maybe even before my head hit the pillow.

I know that I should finish this now, but I'm exhausted. The cleaning, more cleaning, packing, driving, unloading, unpacking and then the not so good stuff has kind of left me just a little tired. I'll try to finish this up tonight... but I'm not promising 'cause I've gotta go shoot some hoops with da' boy.

to be continued..........

Back On The Treadmill

Yup, I've gained some weight, and I can't say that I don't know how it happened. I was uptight and anxious about the forensic psychologist so I ate away the nervousness. Well, I'm not so nervous anymore and I want to fit into my clothes again.

FYI- I am not one of those skinny girls or model wannabes. I just like how I feel when I'm lighter. I also like the energy I get after I work out not to mention the muscles.... not weightlifter muscles just toned. What I would really love to do (and I'm going to) is get a toned tummy and pierce my belly button. That probably won't happen until the end or maybe even mid-summer if I'm lucky.

People won't recognize me. Short hair and a different color, and different body. I am going to be one hot momma. Maybe I'll post pics, before and after.... but I don't think you'll get to see the belly button, sorry.

Early Arrival

Denver is going to be arriving in Oz tomorrow night for business and wants to go out with me. You aren't the only one that just found this out. Although I did know that he was coming here, I didn't know it was going to be on Thursday. It was supposed to be Friday morning. He apologized for not letting me know sooner, but he just got his ticket. I don't have a babysitter for DB so we won't be getting together.

The funny thing is that once he told me he would be in tom. night I started feeling a little attracted to him. I'm not going to analyze it.... just go with the flow. I'm also not going to tell him that he shouldn't come in for our date in a couple of weeks. He can't come back any sooner which is just as well because of the forensic appointments, Shavuos, and Memorial Day. We'll probably get together in June.

For future reference, what is the protocol when a guy comes in from out of town. Does the girl pick him up? Does he plan the date/s? Does she find a place for him to stay? Any help and advice would be great... tia

The Unanswerable Question

Why does red soda explode? And why does it ALWAYS explode? It doesn't matter what color red it is (bright popsicle cherry red or dark black cherry red). They always explode. The only way to prevent the spray from ending up on you is to turn the bottle cap slightly to release some of the fizz. I would suggest that you still have a paper towel handy because sometimes even then the soda manages to get out. Is it something in the color red?

DB always loves the exploding soda and when asked in the store which one he wants for his Shabbos treat he almost always chooses a red one. On the rare occasion when he chooses orange soda he tries to get away with shaking it before he brings it to the table so that he can watch the orange fountain spray all over me.

Would love to know if anyone has the answer to this question.

Butterflies Everywhere

How many butterflies can you count in this picture?

You see, I had a great-uncle who was a lepidoptorist (someone who studies butterflies and moths) that was nifter recently. That was what I told the forensic psychologist after I had seen my fourth butterfly in less than three Rorschach pictures.

Don't most people see butterflies? It is an inkblot dropped in a middle of a paper and then folded in half. But there weren't just butterflies in the pictures. I also saw rocket ships and an alien. Of course, it only dawned on me when I was talking to Gretel about the testing that I should have told the forensic that I read a tremendous amount of science fiction.

Should've also mentioned that I have a very vivid imagination. I saw at least four different things in every picture. Although, that was after I turned some of them upside down. It was an interesting evening. I've never had a Rorschach test before and didn't even know they still gave them. At first I was worried about my answers hurting the case, but it was over and there was nothing I could do about it..... except laugh and wonder what he thought about the fact that I also saw a bleached cow's skull with horns in one of the pictures. I guess now he knows that I am one really strange cookie...... strange, but not psycho. At least that's what the voices in my head tell me.''

answer - zero, not really butterflies

People Person or Trying To Avoid Working

I have come to the conclusion that I am a people person. I can almost hear everyone I know saying "No duh, CR." But I don't mean that I get along well with people or even that I like people. I need people. In order for me to be happy. I need people to talk with, to smile at or just to say thank you to after they give me my change. It makes me feel good, alive, and puts a bounce in my step. I literally mean a bounce in my step. I've been told that's the way I walk.

Being inside working the whole day has really gotten to me, and yes, I'm still wearing what I slept in. Sorry guys, nothing frilly just my ducky pajama bottoms and a big old NYFD t-shirt. I want to be dressed, outside, feeling the sun on my back and the wind in my face. I'm sick of doing paperwork. I've barely left my room if only to go and get more papers from the living room. I'm highlighting and gathering all the documents that I think are necessary for the forensic psychologist to see before he makes his decision about relocation.

Obviously I needed a break and some time to kvetch, cry, bitch, groan and feel sorry for myself. Almost done just a few more sentences.

While I was working I had a movie "Stranger Than Fiction" on and now I have that pull to have someone in my life. Someone to kvetch to, to spend time with, to kiss.... Keep me away from Frumster. I don't have the time to go out with anyone now. OH! Forgot to keep you updated on the dating. Denver is still in the picture probably because he doesn't call everyday, and doesn't keep me on the phone too long. Up until last week he also hadn't mentioned us actually getting together. He's very busy himself with quarterly reports and all that junk. BUT he wants to meet me. UGH!! Can you believe I just wrote UGH!!? What is wrong with me?!?!? Wasn't I just writing about wanting someone in my life. What I really want is someone without any strings attached. A friend that I can care for and play with, but that I don't need to worry about things going any farther. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and being nervous about meeting someone and making inane boring conversation. Not that I don't like getting dressed up. I do. But right now is not a good time. I don't want to have to worry about what someone thinks of me. I just want a friend... a bud.

No, it can't be Bud he's a little busy with someone new. She sounds great and he sounds so sweet when he talks about her. It also can't be some of the guys on Frumster because I know that they are looking for more and I don't want to lead anyone on. Although, there are two younger guys who contact me every so often. They're cute, have some brains, and would love to get together. But can I really get together with someone who's ten years or 15 years younger than I am? I do have friends of all ages. I mean ALL ages... from 86-21. I'm also aware that these younger guys just have one thing on their minds and they think that an older woman can't wait to get her hands.... not gonna finish that thought.... But just because they think that doesn't mean that it will happen.... although, if they catch me at the right moment.... Noooooooooooo.... well, maybe just some fooling around.

Have you noticed that I kind of sidestepped talking about Denver? This is the thing. I feel like he's nervous sometimes and laughs a little too long and then I start to feel uncomfortable. I also don't feel attracted to him. But maybe that's good then I can concentrate on who he is and how he treats people. But still, I can't see going out with someone I'm not attracted too. Maybe because he has everything going for him that I want I am preventing myself from being attracted to him. Because then things would have to move forward and I don't know if I want to get married again... at all. Awww Hell!!

What I want is a friend/boyfriend with all the benefits, but none of the permanent attachments. Or maybe I do want someone to get old with. ENOUGH!!!!!!

See I kinda changed the subject from Denver again. Anyway, he is coming into Oz this weekend, but I will be in Kansas for Mother's Day. Big Barbecue at my mom's every year, and there's no way I want to stay in Oz when I have the opportunity to be surrounded by my family and friends. Denver had also mentioned coming into Oz right after Shavuos, but I don't want to spend Memorial Day weekend with him. I can have a full week in Kansas instead. Maybe he'll come to Kansas, but truthfully I don't want him too.

OK, here's another reason not to want to go out with Denver... when I mentioned the Mother's day barbecue we were joking that he could come down to Kansas for it and meet my whole family. He said jokingly that he doesn't even like those things after he's engaged. What does that mean? Hey, I'm moving to Kansas to spend time with my family.... definitely not every minute so calm down... I'm not tied to them, but my family loves to get together and we all do sometimes spontaneously at someone's house, or pool or for a day trip hiking and to the beach. Anyone who comes into my family will be accepted as part of the family and I would like them to accept my family also.

Enough overthinking, Oh! But I forgot to mention that I will feel bad if Denver spends his money on a ticket to Oz and then I discover that without a doubt I'm not attracted to him. The funniest thing is that he's good looking, intelligent... very intelligent, caring.... STOP ALREADY!!!

Anyone have the idea that I am putting off getting back to these piles of papers on my floor? Excuse any grammatical errors or whatever, but if I re-read what I wrote then I'll just end up writing more.

Hey! Almost forgot. Happy Lag B'Omer!!!!

Absolutely Anything Turns A Young Man's Fancy To Sex or Sex Fiends In Space

But not just a young man's fancy (hope Tennyson forgives my adaptation).... I am referring to almost any male that has discovered the opposite sex. The reason I did not state an exact age is that it varies, but once the discovery has been made there's no going back.

I talked to Bud about this awhile back and he confirmed that sex is almost always on a guy's mind. I had heard this before but I really didn't believe it until he started voicing his sex thoughts while we were having the conversation. Throughout the rest of the conversation he told me when he was thinking about sex. I know, I know, the conversation was about sex so, of course, that's what he was thinking about. But he was letting me know that just walking down the street will make a man think about sex even without any women present... and just buying food will make a man think about sex... basically anything will make a man think about sex.

Really, guys, isn't there ever a time when sex doesn't pop into your head. I'm remembering when I was a teenager and in our group of friends there was a guy that we called "Hands" (for obvious reasons). He was also the guy who constantly turned anything that was said into some sort of sexual innuendo. But I think that's a gift that all guys have because they have the ability to associate anything with sex.

I'm astounded and impressed that men can actually work and get anything done in their lives with this sex track constantly running in their heads. It's absolutely unbelievable that a man made it into outer space considering this..... But, maybe the reason we made it into outer space is that men wanted to find out what sex would be like in zero-gravity and those thoughts constantly drove them.

I know how difficult it is for me to get things done when all I can think about is sex... remembering the last time... imagining the next time... the way he kisses, touches etc. In fact, sex will then pop up into any conversation I have and everything around me reminds me of sex in some way. All you men out there have earned my respect at your ability to multitask.

I'm most definitely not complaining. In fact, I appreciate (greatly appreciate!!) a man that loves sex as much as I do. I'm just marveling at your ability to function as if these things aren't going on in your head.

btw-- in case you didn't notice my libido is starting to return

All HAIL THE RABBIS

I just finished reading Lakewood Venter's post that he wrote after reading this article. It's about having hechsherim for specialty stores that sell "kosher" (tzniusdik) clothes. "Frum" people will feel compelled to shop there or risk not being considered "frum enough." This is ridiculous!!!!!!

Even if women (and yes, you men too) did shop in the "kosher" store and buy the "kosher" clothes, what about the stores that can't afford to pay for the hechsher? Do they go under even if they are only selling tzinus clothes but without the right supervision? And then do the "kosher" stores charge more in order to pay for the hechsher. Does this mean that some children have to go without new clothes for yontif because their school with expell them? and they won't get a good shidduch if they don't wear kosher clothes?

GET A HEART!!!!

Will there also be the possibility that someone will lose a shidduch because at one time their parents used to shop at the store without the "hechsher"?

GET SOME COURAGE!!!!

If people want to dress tzinusdik then they will. It is possible to even buy clothes that are not originally "kosher" and have them fixed and vice versa. At some point in time people have to be responsible for themselves and answer for their own actions (in shmayim). Can Hashem possibly want this insanity?!?!?!?! Hashem gave us the the Torah , but when there is chumra upon chumra it is not the Torah anymore!!! It has evolved into a new religion --. Chumra-ism!! And people without any brains, who cannot think for themselves are climbing over one another to join. All praise the rabbis who give us more Chumras.

GET A BRAIN!!!!!!!

I will admit that it's a good idea for stores to band together and encourage manufacturers to make more modest clothes or for people to write to department store requesting longer skirts without slits etc.... That would probably bring the price down too.

Don't these people have anything better to do with their time? What about learning some actual Torah or doing some chesed. Someone help me out. Isn't there a saying "You are not allowed to add to the Torah or to take away from the Torah" What is the Hebrew for it? It's been awhile since I've been a good Bais Yaakov girl.

YES!! I went to Bais Yaakov AND I can think for myself. It was encouraged in my school. But that was in Kansas not in the midst of Chumraville (or Oz or whatever you want to call this place).

It appears that some rabbis (I'm trying hard not to generalize) have turned into the soldiers of the Wicked Witch of the West and can only follow orders even if they know it's not necessarily the right thing to do. They are afraid that the leading rabbis will come down on them for not being "frum enough." I hope that all you Tin Men out there will get a heart and realize that this only hurts people. And all you Scarecrows will realize that you do have a brain and can think for yourselves. And maybe the Cowardly Lion will share some of his courage with you so that you won't be afraid to act according to your thoughts and the way you feel.

Please Don't Pump On May 15th

The cost of gasoline is very important to me. I have a limited amount of money right now (divorce, and all that comes with it) and I drive to Kansas just about every other weekend. It adds up!!! So when my dad forwarded the following e-mail to me it hit home.

In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight. On May 15th 2007, all internet users are to not go to a gas station in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places. There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the internet network, and the average car takes about 30 to 50 dollars to fill up. If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost 3 BILLION) out of the oil companies pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day. If you agree (which I cant see why you wouldn't) resend this to all your contact list. With it saying, ''Don't pump gas on May 15th"

There is absolutely no reason for gas prices to be as high as they are right now, and changes can take place when people join together. Even if you drive a gas guzzling SUV without a care about gas prices, or don't believe it can work, think of this single mother paying for overpriced gasoline just so DB and I can spend Shabbos with the ones we love. So make sure that your gas tanks are filled on the 14th and don't pump gas on May 15th.

Singing In The Rain

Yup, that's what I was doing. Even the cold rain and gray sky couldn't get me down. All it did was make the yellow forsythia look brighter and the green moss and new grass look almost fluorescent. It was a good day. The meeting with the forensic psychologist (Glenda the Good Witch?) went well. I really think she heard my concerns and started to understand where I was coming from. Of course, I know to take everything with a grain of salt. She might just have been trying to make me feel more comfortable to trip me up or something. But, I have this feeling that it wasn't the case. That might be because I hard as I try to adopt a cynical outlook the Dorothy in me can't hide her Kansas roots and naivete.

Isn't It Ironic

What's the deal? I say that I'm not interested in going out right now and I put my picture under password on Frumster, and within five hours get e-mails and calls about dates from 5 different guys. Two of which I hadn't planned on hearing from ever again (Mr. Willing and Mr. Man) and one who I thought finally understood that I didn't want to go out with him (NM). I explained to all of them via e-mail or in phone conversations today that things are a little crazy and all of them said they understood YET, every one of them contacted me again about talking or getting together.

Is it the thrill of the chase? As flattered as I am, the spark isn't in me right now. Three of them want to be "just friends" (yeah, right) and want me to keep in touch with them. This whole thing is like a cruel joke. OK, not cruel, but it is funny. And I'm laughing about it right now.

Here Comes The Sun.....

The weather really does affect my mood and boy, did I miss the sun last week. But it's back. YAY!!!! I had a big grin on my face, windows open, and I was singing my heart out while driving to pick up DB yesterday.

I got to see DB on Sunday. That usually doesn't happen when he spends the weekend with his father, but he had a baseball game. DB hit a double and had one RBI (run batted in, for all you non-baseball people). He didn't even swing at every pitch. He let the low ones go right by. I wasn't supposed to cheer for him, but I figured if other people were doing it so could I. He didn't mind me doing that in the end. Not only that, DB gave me a hug when he saw me. No kiss though, "C'mon Mom, the guys will see." His team won and he couldn't have been happier.

There was just one thing that marred the otherwise great time the kids were having. The coach of the other team was screaming and yelling at the players. He even said something to his own kid around the lines of "just remember you're coming home with me, let me see you hustle." Of course DB noticed (his father talks to him and threatens him the same way) and brought it up to me. He was worried about the children on the other team. I told him that they would be ok, but they probably were not having as good a time playing as he was.

I try to use opportunities like that to get the point across to DB so that he won't behave in the same manner... especially because his father does. Children of abuse sometimes turn into abusers themselves. Hopefully, that will not be the case with DB.

Dating Update:

I have decided to take a break from dating. There are too many other things going on right now, and believe it or not I'm really not interested in dating or sex. I kind of freaked Bud out with that last night. He couldn't believe I said that and I had to repeat it. My picture on Frumster is only password accessible, and I'm not initiating any phone calls to Denver. Hey! Maybe that's why I'm not attracted to him romantically, I am too busy concentrating on things that are going on with DB and the case for relocation. I'll write more about that later. My sleep has been disrupted and my dreams have been even weirder than they normally are.

WOW!! I can't believe that I wrote that I'm not interested in sex. Man!!! That is.... just... kinda freaky. The only other time I wasn't interested in sex was right before and after I separated from stbx. My therapist told me that was normal because of everything taking place, but because of my very strong libido I thought that once the interest was gone I would never get it back. Obviously, I did. 'Guess it's just nature's way of making it easier for me to concentrate on the really important stuff.

btw - ACS (Administration for Children's Services) was called again because of something DB's father failed to do. more later... I have another appointment with the forensic psychologist to prepare for.

Who's Right?

It looks like we both are.

Gretel and I finally spoke today. I was so glad that I got a hold of her. Actually, she called me. I thought that she was returning my call from last night, but she told me she never got the message. As soon as she said hi, I knew something was up. "What's wrong, Gret," before I even responded to her hello. She tried to dodge it, but then got into the fact that she didn't say no to baking and helping her sister-in-law (sil) with the bar-mitzvah in Lakewood this Shabbos.

Finishing up taxes for clients, getting the house back into chametz mode, teaching, taking care of the kids, packing for the trip, and now baking fancy stuff for the bar-mitzvah... Whoa!!! I told her that I was sorry I no longer had this article about how different rebbeim talk about saying no to someone who asks for help in order for you to keep your sanity and to take care of your own family, not to mention having a life of your own. I started giving her a big time shmooze about it.

Gret has a hard time saying no to people. Then she told me that her sil also assumed that she would help set up for the bar mitzvah. I started laughing when Gret told me that she said she would. "Wait a minute, how long has she been living in Lakewood? How many sisters of her own does she have that live nearby? Aren't you coming in from Boston and want to see your sister? Don't you have some shopping you need to do that can't get done in Boston?" Gret started to answer that her sil has 5 sisters and at that point I wailed into her. "Just a sec. You're telling me she has 5 sisters and you have to help set up after driving about 6 hours the night before and after baking all those desserts for her. Give me a break! GRET!!! What are you thinking?!?!?!" I started to crack up and she did too. Then I said that she might as well clean her sil's house, do the laundry, and change the baby's diaper and she stopped me with, "OK, OK, you're right."

Through my laughter I told her "I guess I get to be president then." I had to remind her that in our last conversation she told me that since she was always right and knew everything she might as well run for president. And I said that she definitely should go for it because if she can manage her family and busy schedule then she can definitely run this country.

We discussed what laws she would sign into being i.e. date night once a week, husbands must voluntarily and without sighs, go food shopping and get everything on the list, plus flowers and/or chocolate. Of course, if that were a law it couldn't be considered voluntary.

I heard Baby Joe in the background, saying, "strawbaby". Gret put him on the phone to talk to me. I talk to all the kids and sometimes help with homework (usually science and English) when Gret doesn't have the energy or when the older kids don't want to listen to anything she has to say. In fact, Gret and I used to talk so often (when there were fewer children, she didn't have as many jobs, and I wasn't involved in this crazy long divorce) that Sora Feiga used to hand her mother the phone after she finished davening in the morning and say "Time to call CR."

Anyway, Gret remembered that I tried to call her last night and asked me what was up. I told her I needed someone to laugh about the fact that I got a flat (self-inflicted, I cut the turn too short), it was raining, the tire wasn't in stock, the road hazard warranty for the tire didn't apply, I didn't really have the money to pay for a new tire, I had Tomchei Shabbos deliveries in the car, errands to run, and I had had a gut feeling that something was going to happen to the car last night, but forced myself to try to run the errands anyway. Of course, Gret started cracking up halfway through the list and I joined her when I finished telling her all of it.

Then I told her about Bud and his date prospects, and the fact that I am choosing unavailable guys. "No duh, CR!!!" I told her about Denver and his books and she said that he was weird just like me. Gret also suggested that I still keep talking to him even if I don't feel romantically inclined. Along with that came her warning that it's better to be lonely for awhile than to spend time with someone for even up to a year and be lonely the rest of my life. Looks like she gets to be president again.

Finally, I told her what has been on my mind for quite some time. I am procrastinating finishing up some papers and getting the evidence together. "CR, you and I both do that" and I told her I knew that and I was going to look for my high school year book in which she wrote that I "shouldn't get in my own way" and "DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!"

Surprise, surprise the yearbook is in Kansas along with most of my books. I don't have enough room in Oz for them all. There isn't enough room for DB's books and some of my sephorim. DB's library keeps on growing and so does mine. I believe in having lots of books and since finding out about DB's diagnosis of twice exceptionality (dyslexia, dysgraphia, auditory processing disorder, and some speech [lisp], vision [tracking, convergence and binocularity problems] and ot [occupational therapy] issues along with an extremely high intellect) I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research and have added even more books to our home.

Back to the procrastination... See, I even procrastinate about talking about procrastination... hee hee :) Gret told me to get to work. "NOW!" I sat down and started pulling out papers and she went off to teach third grade.

btw-I kinda got interrupted in my work, by some phone calls. Yes, I know that there is such a thing as voice mail. And then I chose to start writing this post.... Now I have to pick DB up from school. I think I'm going to have to call Gret back again so that this work gets done. I know I'm an adult and I do handle my responsibilities. Hey, if I don't no one else will. But we all need encouragement, support and sometimes a friend yelling in our ear to help us get things done.

update: work is done. yay!!!

Lesson Learned..... Again

I can't do it. I just can't go out with Mr. Man and fool around without feeling anything. There isn't going to be any CSBF. I wrote to him and he responded graciously and that he heard the attachment growing in my voice and understands why we won't be going out. I can't even manage not caring about him and we've only talked on the phone. It could be just because he has the most amazing voice I've ever heard, but I don't think that's the case. Yes, I should have known better, but at least I didn't arrange to meet him even once like I did with NM. Considering I haven't dated or had sex in quite a long time I'm gonna say that I've got one hell of a learning curve. Hopefully, the next person I get interested in will actually be available to me.

OK, OK, I think I'm ready to be honest with myself. It just dawned on me while I was writing that I seem to be picking guys that have no possibility, and the ones that do (like Denver); I feel very little for (romantically). Yup, you guessed it... I'm afraid... petrified is more like it. NJG has some company there. I read his post and totally got it.

But I'm not just afraid of becoming another statistic, I'm also afraid of getting hurt. The hurt that I feel in my chest, that makes it difficult to swallow and brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'm as strong as imagine myself to be... who knows? Maybe I'm stronger. I've learned to live with a lot the past 13 years. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling this kind of pain...

It's also a little hard because I'm jealous for two reasons. Bud has been talking to people and I'm sure he will be going out with them soon. I'm jealous that they will be able to have fun and spend time with him. The other reason is that it's them he's taking out not me. BUT he's my Bud and I want him to go out, have a good time, and meet someone special. I've been speaking to him about my dating situation and he's been giving me great advice, not to mention listening to me kvetch and feel sorry for myself like I'm doing right now. But that's gotta stop.

I feel a little silly complaining about these things... but I also feel better now that I've written them down and gotten them out of my system.

Maybe Denver will call me today.....

Can't Sleep...

Another drive back to Oz, and I can't sleep because of the coffee; I've got a little buzz going. Bud and I spoke for part of my drive, and I told him about talking to Gretel. Because of Pesach and tax season she and I haven't been able to get a hold of each other. Well, Gretel was very proud of me and happy that Bud and I are no longer going out. Then we started talking about why I'm so ambivalent about dating right now. Of course, Gret saw right through me and told me that maybe I just needed some time to get over Bud; especially since our going out was my first relationship after stbx. Just hearing that helped me move through it.

Then she gave me a shmooze on overthinking. I told you she knows me inside out. I started to justify my analyzing things and she cut me short, "See you're doing it even now." The funniest thing is that I can't and don't get angry at her for what she says because she's usually right. I claim to be right all the time, but I guess Gret has me beat, and I told her so.

I miss her and I'm going to try to get together with her when DB goes out of state with his father. Spending Shabbos in Boston with her family would be great, and I could finally meet child 8 and child 9, and see the family dimples on their cute faces.

btw-do you know that birds are up and singing in Oz at 3:30 a.m.?

On The Road Again... And Again

Yup, we're headed back to Kansas again tomorrow for Shabbos. I'll pick up DB from school and away we'll go. As much as I love to drive, I wouldn't complain if DB finished his transporter/time machine, and all we would have to do is jump in, press a button and presto... we would be in Kansas. I almost considered staying in Oz for the weekend, but if I have a choice I'd rather be in Kansas.

Since I won't be in Oz, I won't be going out on any dates this weekend which is kinda good. For some reason I'm just not into it right now. Maybe it's because I'm absolutely exhausted from Yontif and all the driving, but I really think it's just a lot to take in at once. Of course, I had to open a can of worms and write back to this man who said he would not relocate. No it's not NM. It's this man (yes, I wrote man as opposed to guy) that I was corresponding with recently. There is this air about him of adultness (shoot me... I know it's not a word but it fits) of surety about who he is and want he wants. This is someone that I thought I had a chance with... a real chance.

Anyway, he was on Frumster today and I gave in to the temptation of looking at his profile. (I was torturing myself by looking at what I couldn't have, and I was also hoping that he would write to me again. He did just that and gave me an opening to write back. Soooooo..... I did. And gave him my number too. I got his in return. We haven't talked yet and I'm still not sure if I want to. Actually, I do want to talk to him and hear his voice, but I know that I shouldn't.

Bud was great, and tried to get it into my head that I am just sabotaging myself by starting this. I wonder why I'm pulled to people who don't want to relocate. It's not that I search them out or try to hide the fact that I'm moving. As soon as they contact me (except for Mr. Man) I let them know immediately that I'm relocating so that it won't be a problem later on... if there is a later on. Is a part of me not ready not to get involved with someone? Or maybe I'm afraid to get involved if I know it will lead to....... the m-word. See, I don't even want to write the whole word.

Ya know it's getting late and I'm going to try to stop thinking... Yeah, right, I'd like to see that... me not thinking about things and analyzing....

Things always look different in the morning. Well, not always, but sometimes.

Good Shabbos

Tired But Wired

Drove back from Kansas last night/this morning. Got in at about 5:30 a.m. The suitcase is empty and almost everything is put away. I'm extremely tired. I guess that comes from not getting any sleep. The problem is that I had some coffee, actually a very big cup of coffee, and I just can't relax enough to get some rest. I don't drink coffee except when I'm driving and need to stay awake. I also don't drink anything with caffeine because I just don't like the way I feel on it and a day after I've had it. It's almost like I'm hungover.

Last days were absolutely wonderful, with DB and family. We played tons of games and it really makes me proud of DB when he wins and loses gracefully. He loves catching his older (teenage) cousins cheating... things get really competitive when we play Go Fish and Old Maid... and yes, everyone plays and can't stop laughing...

I finally feel like my eyes are starting to close so I'm going to try to get some sleep before DB wakes up.........

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!



DATING UPDATE:

There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)

Bud Needs A New Name

Just what the title says.

Actually, Bud wants to have his name go back to Charm. I told him that he's no longer Mr. Three-Time's-A-Charm since we aren't going out any longer. He's my friend, my Bud.

I like the name, Buuuuuud... drawn out... that's the way it should be said. He says the name is too southern, grass chewin', flannel wearin', redneck, hillbilly for him. What can I say, it's the southern, country girl in me that named him. Plus he's my friend, my Bud.

I'm willing to entertain the thought of changing his name if I find one that fits. Any ideas?

Sleeping On It and Mr. One-Night-Stand

Things do seem clearer in the morning. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe because your brain has time to process whatever it is you've been thinking about. Studies have been done (I don't remember by whom and I'm not going to quote them) that if you sleep (even a short nap) after you've learned something new you retain the information better than if you had not slept. The information moves from short term memory to long term memory.

I think my brain (and feelings?) needed time to process the fact that there is no way MN is moving and that I don't want to get hurt again. It's just not worth it. BUT I already told him I would go out on a date with him. So I'm thinking about telling him that I'm only going to go out on this one date with him and that's it or he can choose not to go out at all. I don't want him to have to spend his money on me if he doesn't have to.

Just learned another lesson from Bud. This one wasn't that hard and didn't hurt like the last one. We spoke last night about getting messages from people at Frumster. He didn't sound too enthused whereas I get very excited. It's not that he's not interested. It's just that after going through this for a year (or two?) Bud said that he's learned not to get too excited at the beginning. My excitement from getting mail from someone at Frumster is toned down now a little because I really thought about what he said and took it to heart.

Having Bud for a friend is almost like having an older brother... he doesn't tell me what to do (don't ever TELL me what to do) instead he explains his reasoning and talks about his experiences. My younger brother sometimes acts that way, but he met his wife on a shidduch date and doesn't have the experience Bud does. And since I'm the oldest I've always taken care of my brother and everyone else... it's just who I am. But now I have someone (not including parents, of course) looking out for me. I want to call Bud, BBB, Big Brother Bud, but I don't think he'd really appreciate it (enough Bs in that sentence for ya?). I don't think that he wants me to view him as a brother. Still, I appreciate his concern and caring. OH!!! What's best is that he doesn't say "I told you so." Who wouldn't want a big brother like that?!?

Guess who I heard from. Nope, it wasn't Control. It was Mr. One-Night-Stand. He sent me a message through Frumster today. Kinda need to explain that he wasn't the one who didn't call after the one night... I just didn't answer the phone. There was no way that I wanted to talk to him. I wasn't embarrassed about what happened but angry, and hurt. Mr. One knew that he was going to be my first date in 8 years, and my first date with someone other than my stbx in 13 years. BUT he didn't make sure that even if it wasn't going to be a fantastic date, it would still be a good one. Instead he loaned his car to a friend and wanted me to drive. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!

And there's more..... he only told me about the car situation the night of our date. When I spoke up for myself (pat on the back to me) and told him that I really wanted to be picked up, he didn't get bother getting his car back, and there were several ways that he could have managed it. Hey! If I could think up these things why couldn't he. OK, OK, get off my case. I know I didn't offer my suggestions, but I was brand new to this and just telling him that I wanted him to drive and pick me up took many deep breaths and a lot of guts.

Anyway... I ended up going to pick him up. Just don't say anything... I know now that I shouldn't have done that. But it was my first date, and I was kind of timid about asking for what I wanted or saying no if I didn't get it. It's not like I was asking for the moon or a pair of diamond earrings. I'd rather see the moon up in the sky, and I don't need diamonds just love and hugs.

Mr. One wasn't even dressed when I got to his apt. He still needed to put on a shirt, shoes, socks, sweater. He hadn't even shaved!!!!!! Now c'mon (this is to you, guys out there), when you go on a date, let alone a first date, you shave. Mr. One also had a bottle of wine opened and we had a glass....

We never left his apartment....and it was over before it started.... And it wasn't even good. I got dressed and took off right after. He didn't even walk me to my car. I was angry at myself, and also at him. Do you blame me for not taking his calls??? I replied to Mr. One's e-mail today, and spelled it all out for him... without any animosity or exclamation points. But I did include an apology for not taking his calls and letting him know how upset and disappointed I was.


That whole incident was the reason I told Bud (when he was Charm) that he was the first guy I was going out with in 8 years, even though he wasn't. I wanted to see how he would treat me. A gold star for Bud. He picked me up, brought me chocolate (godiva), took me to The Top of the Rock, held my hand, kissed me while we were outside looking down at the city all lit up. Two hours of making out up there. Boy, he was a great kisser. Bud didn't push things even when they got a little hot and heavy.... a real gentleman and a great first date.

I Made A Mistake

I just realized that MM (Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move) should not be named that. It does not state on his Frumster profile that he might relocate... it says that he won't relocate. UGH!!!! Boy, do I feel stupid. I spent a long time on the phone with him last night, and was looking forward to a date with him. Instead I wrote him an apology explaining the situation and that I didn't mean to lead him on or anything like that. Whenever someone from Frumster contacts me if their profile states that they won't relocate I immediately inform them that I will be moving to Kansas and plan to stay there. I want to be up front and not play games. I sent Bud at least two messages that told him about Kansas and my moving there. Somehow, we still ended up going out.

MN read the message and immediately called me. He reassured me that I had nothing to apologize for and that I did not lead him on. Then MN said that I don't have to move, but I explained that I must for DB so that he is safe. He acknowledged that he still wanted to go out with me, and was trying very hard (in a laid back, joking way) to convince me to go out with him. OMIGOSH!! I almost forgot to mention that he almost came down to Kansas today to surprise me and see me.

It's kind of ironic that now I'm talking to Bud about MM (let's change that to Mr. Not-Relocating). The funniest thing is that they know each other, and live in the same neighborhood. Geez Louise, what are the chances of that happening? So Bud is giving me advice and reminding me about what happened between us because he can't relocate.

I don't want to get hurt again... I know what I should do... Am I going to tell him that I won't go out with him? I have absolutely no clue. He's very sweet, and understands where I'm coming from. We get along well on the phone and even if he's not sure (I am definitely positive) that we would be attracted to each other and feel comfortable with each other in person. How do I manage to get myself into these situations?!?!?!??!

Do I Need To Choose?

Spoke with this guy on the phone last night and found out he was working at the hotel where I was supposed to have been. No, it wasn't Mr. Willing. It's Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move.... that's what it said on his profile on Frumster. I decided not to tell him in a message that I'm going to me moving to Kansas in the summer. The last time I did that this man I really wanted to get to know better wrote back that he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon, and that was after a couple of messages that I thought both of us enjoyed.

Mr. Maybe or MM sounds great, and by that I mean his voice, and his attitude about life etc. His voice is a little deep and it has a sexy sound. I know, I know, you can't base a relationship on sex. And I've learned that maybe now I can't have a casual sexual relationship. That's a real eye-opener. It's not like I've slept around, but in high school and for a few years after I kind of lived by CSBF, casual sex between friends. Sometimes, after I would date a guy we would still fool around... that is until I was exclusive with my next boyfriend. Oh boy, this sure doesn't sound good or make me look good. It sounds worse than it is. I was never considered a slut or anything close to that, and now I don't even know why... Maybe it's because I wasn't using these guys (well, yes I was but let me finish). First and always I was their friend then if we both wanted we would fool around. We were hormone crazy teenagers so there wasn't so many times when we didn't want to.

The last time I was in Kansas I literally ran into one of these guys. I called him Matza when we were dating, and no, his real name was not Pesach. While I was checking out the fantastic school for DB, he turned the corner and almost knocked me over. He had been looking for the principal, saw her and didn't expect anyone else to be in the empty classroom. We came face to face and then he started to turn red and stammer. I don't think that I had ever seen a man blush before. Matza couldn't remember why he was looking for the principal, and I really felt for him and tried making small talk so that she wouldn't realize that he couldn't think straight. After what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds he was able to get it together a little and ask her for whatever it was he needed. When she left the room to get it his face got even redder, and his stammer came back. Whoa... this is a married man with 5 kids. I guess it's a good idea that I don't really keep in close touch (pun intended) with those guys I dated who are married.

In his defense, things got kind of serious with us. At least he thought they did. He wanted to marry me (marriage proposals are for another post). The funniest thing is that stbx was the only guy that had to be given an ultimatum to propose. It was definitely a sign of things to come.

Back to MM and Willing... I don't know if I can date two guys at once. There obviously hasn't been any talk of exclusivity. It's just that I don't know if I can keep things straight. And what happens if I like one better than the other? Do I unceremoniously dump the guy I don't like as much? But then what if things don't work out with the first one? Can I really expect the second one to go out with me again? How do people do this? UGH!!!!!! I guess dating FMs is the gauntlet I must go through in order to get to the Wonderful Wizard. HELP!!!!

Buds

I spoke with Charm (have to find a new name for him) and at first I felt the tug, but by the time we finished talking it was gone. I switched into "Bud" mode. We talked about me going out with other guys, but also him going out with other girls. That really helped. I'm used to doing that with my guy friends.... not that I have too many of them nowadays. Most of them are married and I don't feel that it's right that I should call or that they should speak to me as often. Actually, after someone dates me the next person they go out with they marry. It's happened to at least six guys. I'm wondering what that says about me. Maybe I should hire myself out. Wait a minute!!! That didn't come out right. But it is funny... hee hee ;)

Bud used my name the other day. What's the deal? I told him that I felt it was a way for him to keep a distance between us. Guess now that he doesn't need to worry about that he can call me my name.

Today I contacted Mr. Willing-to-Relocate from Frumster. I'm looking forward to dating some more and I think he would be a lot of fun. He's smart, funny, attractive, and willing to relocate. WOW!!!! He's told me that he like Kansas and could see himself living there. We haven't spoken yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing his voice, and he wants to get together before I cut my hair. It was supposed to be cut before Pesach, but there wasn't enough time.... so, it'll be cut right before Shavuos.

I'm also thinking about going red. Maybe the same color as the actress, Julianne Moore, or a little darker. I've been blonde and now, brunette. Why not try red? I wonder how people will react to me as a redhead. Even though I have dark hair now, I still feel and act as if I'm blonde. What I really think is that it's all in the attitude or as I tell Bud "in the way someone stands and holds themselves". That is what I believe can make a person appear more attractive to others. I guess, it's also like power and those who have it act in a certain way that draws people towards them. Similar to that, is how someone happy is usually surrounded by others that are or want to be happy too. The opposite of which is illustrated by the quote "misery loves (miserable) company."

Enough analyzing... Pesach is just about here and my mom is calling. Next year I hope to be settled in Kansas with DB... that is if we're not all in Eretz Yisrael with Moshiach.

Chag Kasher V'Sameach!!!!! Enjoy your friends and families!!!!

btw-Control won't stop calling me now. What's up with that???

Missing...

I'm not going away and working this Pesach. Every year I work as a "counselor" and take care of kids who are between the ages of 2 1/2 and 6. I'm so busy it helps me keep my mind off of missing DB, and by the end of the day I just pass out.

What's In A Name? or A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet... Or Sweeter

People call me names... nicknames that is. I answer to a lot of different ones. Some are a variation of my English or my Hebrew name, and some of them I have no clue about how they came to be. It all started with my mom. She calls me at least 10 different names. Usually it depends on what I've done recently or who we are with. When she uses my nickname coupled with my middle name everything is fine but when I hear my full first name followed by my middle name I know I've done something wrong. It's not to often I hear that one anymore. Most of the time I'm Shain short for Shaina Punim. My dad usually calls me by my nickname and sometimes Froggy. Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still his little girl.

My brother no longer goes by his English name so my mother calls him Yosef Aryeh* his Hebrew name instead of Max Joseph*. So what if he's six feet tall, has a beard, is married and father to six boys, he'll always be my little brother Maxy*. And he doesn't mind me calling him that. Trust me... he would tell me if he did. But I have DB call him Uncle Yosef* or Uncle Yo*.

Most of my family members have middle names. I think it's a southern thing, and both names are almost always used. My aunt goes by Esther Ruth* and my uncle is Mark Isaac*. Everyone who knows my mom calls her by both her names Merril Sue*, almost as if they're one. First and middle names combined must have at least three syllables preferably four.

Charm goes by a one syllable name shortened from his first. He doesn't have an English name. The thing is he has a great name, with four syllables but he really dislikes being called by it. I would hear his name in my head, but then I could only say the one syllable. Ugh! It made me feel so restricted. So I used his full first name and last name together. I really need at least three syllables when I talk to someone. Charm doesn't really understand this. In fact, he doesn't/didn't even call me by my name. He didn't call me anything. I mentioned it to him because I find it so different and funny. Not even a term of endearment like honey or baby. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's called me by my name without any prompting by me. In two, no, three instances he called me baby. Once in writing and twice on the phone.

I associate nicknames with affection, love and different moods, and different people. Here are some that I am called.... Chicki Mama, Chaya Gittel*, Chayala, Shane, Shaina Punim, Julietta*, Julius*, Julie*, JuleEllen*, Froggy, Superchicken, Spaz, Pearl, Smiley, Giggles.

Of course DB has his own set of names... Cutie Pie, Doll, Munch, Munchie, Simcha Ber*, darlin' boy, babe shortened from baby doll, doll shortened from doll baby, bun short for honey bun, little one, honey bunch, bunch , Simcha* boy, ashaboo, banana, little one, buckaroo.

Gretel, Git, Mamasita, Shmellen, SuzyJo, Roberta, Shprintza Genendel, Matza, Sharona are some names that I call my friends.

Even our cat has nicknames. Frankie* is what DB named her, but we call her Frankie Cat, Fat Cat (for obvious reasons), Frank-Frank, Frankie-girl.

Temima Sora Bracha Maidela, Meema, Meems, Tuvia Yosef, Tuvy, Moishy, Mordy, Kusie, WMD, (one of my nephews who has climbed up onto the counters and dumped out all, and I mean all of the spices from their containers), Mr. Charles, Moonie, Tanzie, Tie-Tie are some of the nicknames for family members.

So you see, I really do like names. The one time when I heard Charm say my name naturally was when I was breaking up with him. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out to me. My theory is that names give you an attachment to a person especially if you create a name to call them. There were times when I heard Charm speaking with his daughter and calling her by name and nicknames. But for all the time that we spoke on the phone (and in person) he had a difficult time with using mine. I heard him use his ex's name more than mine. Whoa!!!

In Charm's most recent comment on a post of mine, he jokes that he's called me by name. Don't think that's ever really gonna happen with him... even if we stay friends. I think it's his way of not letting people get too close to him. Just think about your friends and family and the different names your loved ones call you.....


*names have been changed but the breakdown of the syllables has remained the same

Coincidence?

Control called. It was really weird hearing from him less than 24 hours after breaking up with Charm. It almost made me think that Charm had somehow contacted him to let him know I wasn't in a relationship. Anyway, Control kept on saying, "I really @#*&ed up with you, didn't I?" I'm not the type to hang up on someone and Control is fun to talk too, so I agreed with him, "Yes, you did." Then I reminded him that he owes me five bucks on the bet we had. I knew he wasn't going to take me out within 30 days of our last talking... for two reasons, Charm, and Control doesn't follow through. He was supposed to call tonight, but I wasn't expecting to hear from him.... give him another thirty days. Maybe I should rename him @#*&ed up with you guy because it's a phrase he reiterates each time we speak.