The Should's

I should be doing linear algebra homework, or reasoning and logic work or even finishing up and editing some poems, but instead I'm here.  Writing.  I'm a little tired and know that I should try very hard to motivate myself.  I should do this work.  I actually like all the work I have to do.  I just don't want to work.  That's it!  I feel like it's work right now, and add to it that I'm tired and just want to curl up under the covers (because it is sooooo freakin' COLD) and go to sleep.

Instead I'm laying here on top of the covers with cold feet.  The only thing warm is my back and because it is I don't want to move.  As soon as I do, that will get cold too.

The thing is my poetry professor already told me I was getting an A for the course.  OK. OK.  I'm going to get my ass in gear and print up the poems and just hand them in.  Then I'll meet with him later this week and talk about what he thinks I should work on next and if he actually believes that I could get published.

Going to do work now.  Oh, forgot to mention I also have a chem test on Tuesday.

Had my first date since he's gone, and I had fun!!! I was more comfortable and at ease being out with date #1 than with husband #2.  I wasn't trying to please anyone, and we talked.  Yes, I said WE!  We listened to each other, responded to one another, interrupted and agreed with what the other person was saying.  That in and of itself was enough for a first date!!!  He's fun, he laughs, he makes me laugh, and at the very least I have made a new friend - which is really just perfect for right now.

BUT he also opened doors for me, gave me choices, and shared his love of music with me.  HOLY MOLY!!!  OH!!! And he asked me questions about myself, and actually listened to me when I started talking all nerdy about a post post-modernist metaphysician debating with a philosopher of physics.

I can't sleep now.  It's midnight, and I've been home for about two hours.

Why? - OK - I know why or part of why (let's call husband #2, x2) x2 couldn't, wouldn't and didn't treat me the same way.  BUT - alright no buts.  He didn't and that was a big part of the problem.... no interest and no caring and sharing.

Anyway, one of the reasons I can't sleep is that we kissed.  X2 and I hadn't kissed in quite some time - but this guy kissed me!  And went on kissing me.  It was the perfect ending to a night that part of me didn't want to end.  OH! He respects my boundaries.  He could've pushed harder but didn't.  WOW!

See why I like him?  NO! NO! NO!  I'm not falling for him! It was a first date.  BUT it just felt so damn good to be wanted - for my company, my opinion, my words, and yes, my body too.

AND he's a damn good kisser!!!  AND he smiles!!  I'm happy, excited and feeling good, and man, do I deserve this.  Maybe I'll actually be able to get some writing done tonight.  I have 8 poems due and about a month to do them.

Forgot to mention that I lost 70 pounds, and have about 15-20 to go.  Plus I cut my hair, and I hadn't cut it for five years.  I'm lighter happier and freer.  Thank you, Hashem.

btw- in case I didn't mention it... it felt damn good to be in a man's arms with his mouth on mine.

I'm back.  I need to write or rather I should write.  I know it will help with adjusting to getting divorced, and I know it will definitely help get me started writing some poetry for my class.  I've got an incomplete because the professor is cool and I told him what was going on.  I definitely learned a lot from him about poetry and got to meet some amazing poets.  Tracey K. Smith, Pulitzer Prize winner, to name one.

I'm lonely, but I don't think I'm necessarily lonely for him.  I'm lonely for the good times with him, but then I get to remember they were few and far between.  My therapist gave me a wake-up call, when I was telling her how things had started to get a little better before he left and that he was no occasionally saying thank you.  Ummmm, yeah..... married five years and only at the end of five years occasionally saying thank you.  I know I deserve something better than this.  I deserve to be appreciated and loved.  I think I might have a case of Stockholm syndrome.  No joke.  I have changed my way of thinking so that I could better adapt to living with him.  It's time to change it back!

I'm not sure if I'm going to stay an active member of this frum jewish divorce group.  I think they are focusing, or rather most of the posts are focusing, on the negative, and I need to focus on the positive.  Much better for me, and def better for db.

So Much Has Happened

There's been a lot going on in my life in the past few months. Y'all know I got engaged, and along with that came a new family, or rather integrating all those involved into a new family. Believe it or not the hard part isn't the kids. It's crazy, and amazing but the children get along great... with each other and with the new adult figure in their life.

It's just the adults (yes, I'm calling us that even though we aren't behaving that way) that are having problems dealing with one another. I'm not blaming him... and as soon as I wrote that I thought, "Oh yes, I am." I know I'm just as responsible as he is. BUT, (and this is a big BUT) at least I'm reading and working hard on trying to understand and make it work. Yeah, Yeah, I know. Your probably thinking CR so is he. REALLY?!?!? I don't think so.

Ya see he's coming from a long marriage. At least that's what I consider twenty three years of being with a spouse. And I think that along with that extended time period of living and dealing with one person he has come to expect me to understand or to respond and in some cases not respond to his behavior. Well, I don't work that way.

It was hard enough for me to get engaged and stay that way. I don't remember if I wrote about how I got sick to my stomach when Mr. Rose proposed. I felt like I was going to throw up or faint or both even though I knew he was going to ask me. And when we were planning the wedding I got that feeling a lot.

I really don't know how we even managed to get married. I was scared, picked fights, read things the wrong way, and was absolutely emotional. But somehow the day of the wedding arrived and I couldn't stop smiling. It most certainly wasn't like this the first time I did it. I was happy. AND I was relaxed. I had a great time.

The week before the wedding we saw each other. Not for seconds or just in passing, but spending the days together. All except for Shabbos. We even saw each other the night before when we set up the shul, and the morning of. He helped me get dressed. Thinking about it now, I know that if I had not been able to spend that time with him there would have been no way that we would have made it to the Chuppah. He made me feel secure and loved.

Yeah, yeah, I noticed that I wrote that in the past tense. Ya see, I'm not feeling that secure and loved anymore. Rather I'm feeling taken for granted, and ignored.

OK, OK, I know he just bought us a house and moved his family across the country, but we haven't even gone out on one date since we've been married and it's been over two months.

That hurts. And yes, I've told him. Yes, I've mentioned it to him gently, humorously, with teasing and with tears. But nothing has taken place. I've also told him that I don't need it to be fancy. I just want some time to feel special or rather that he feels I'm special.

I don't want him treating me a certain way just to have sex. And anyway, y'all know how I am, and that sex is a given... although, at this point...

I don't want to have to think about money, or the kids or anything. I want to be with him. Hell, I was even going to consider us going to Target a date until he started kvetching. I just wanted some time with him out of the house, out of bed, just the two of us.

So today, he went with his brother to lunch, just the two of them, and it hurt... bad. Not only that he didn't even bother bring me anything back. WTF.

Right now, I don't even want to go out with him. I'll tell you what I do want to do... no, maybe I won't, but I will tell you it involves a door slamming so hard behind me that it echoes in his ears for a long time. I can hear it in my head right now, the thought of it gives me satisfaction.

Of course, I know it's childish, but I want to hurt him back. I want him to understand just how alone I feel... how sad this makes me. I don't expect a perfect marriage, but I would still like to have a marriage. Right now, all I feel is that he wants me for his kids and sex, and that makes me not want him.

I don't need any stick it out advice. I need to vent, and boy, would I love to vent on him, but I'm trying my best to keep things in control.

Again

It hurts... again. He said he would call back, and he didn't. Not even to say that he can't talk.

I'm worried. I hope everything is fine with his family.

It appears as if he turned off his phone, and that hurts.

I don't know what to think.

It hurts. What happened? Why didn't he call? Doesn't he know just how much it hurts me and how much I miss him???

I want to strike back. I want to cry. I want to curl into a ball and not let anyone touch my heart again.

I know I'm exaggerating. But I'm not. It hurts.

The tears are slowly slipping down my cheeks, and I am wishing that they carry the hurt with them. Out of me.

I try to tell him how much or how important it is for me to talk to him. Maybe it's too important. Maybe it's too much.

I don't need him. Make me don't need him. Make me don't care. Make it go away.

Maybe I expect too much. I'm sorry if I do. I'm sorry that I believe you when you say you will call. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Just go away and I'll be fine.

Over It

What Yossi wrote in the comments of my last posts kind of hit home and helped a lot. I spoke to Mr. Rose tonight. I was calm and quiet and told him what hurt me and instead of saying the negative of not doing it in the future, I asked him to do the positive of what I want. What I need from him.

He responded like the wonderful, amazing man he is and apologized and said that he would do it in the future. Then I mentioned that I knew that he knew that something had been bothering me and I asked him why he hadn't brought it up. He answered that he knew I would talk to him about it when I was ready. He was right. Ugh!! He's right an awful lot.

So things are fine now... but I just didn't realize how hurt or angry he could make me. Whoa!!! It freaks me out a little to feel those things so strongly, but I guess that goes along with how strongly I care for and about him.

I love him so I'll keep going and learn along the way. I'm so glad I have this blog as a release and for the support and advice y'all give me. It helps!!! so so so much!!! Thank you!!

Furious

I will not be taken for granted. I feel like I am taken for granted. I am not in a good mood. I might be pms'ing but that's not really the point.

The point is that I just asked him something last night that he not do in the future, and then he goes and does something similar again tonight. Well, guess what! I'm not just here when he remembers me. It's freakin past 10 p.m. and I had to call you. Well, I'm not going to do that again! Maybe I make it too easy in certain respects that I'm almost always available. Well, I'm not going to be anymore.

I'm so angry.

I'm so hurt. I'm not angry. I'm disappointed... disappointed to know that it's not really important and it doesn't really matter if he calls. It hurts... it hurts so bad. There are tears running down my face right now.

I don't need to worry if he's going to read this. He doesn't read the blog... especially if I don't tell him a new post is up. I feel like I'm being taken for granted more and more. I don't understand. I just talked to him about it last night. I was calm... no tears, no hysterics, just asking him for the future, and then he goes and does something similar tonight. I know I'm repeating myself. It hurts. I want him to go away. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to allow myself to hurt like this. I don't know how to do this. Maybe I'm just messed up. Maybe I just don't deserve this or maybe I just don't know how to be in a relationship.

I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, let down. It seems like it's a pattern. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm pushing him away. I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe it would just be easier for him if he only had to worry about his kids and himself.

It hurts. I thought I was supposed to be happy now.

The funny thing about this is that he has absolutely no clue how I feel right now. He has no idea how much he has hurt me and how I feel like I'm not part of his life... I'm tired.

I don't want to have to break down in tears to get my point across about how much something means to me, but I don't know what to do.

Don't know if I'll post this. Actually I will. It makes me feel as if someone is really listening to me when I post.

Happy Purim! (yeah, right)

The Name Of This Blog

Mak once asked me awhile back if I was ever going to change the name of my blog once I found Mr. Right. I still haven't come to a decision regarding that, but I have said yes to Mr. Rose.

He asked. I answered.

I love him.

There's so much more to say, and of course, I will. If I have the time, I'll continue to do so now. If not, you'll get it in bits and pieces as I plan for our wedding.

OMG!!!!!! I'm getting married to the most wonderful man I've ever met!!!!!!!

If The Name Fits

...and it does. Mr. Rose is a "Good Man." I was re-reading old posts last night and realized that Mr. Rose most definitely fits the bill. I even called him up and read it to him. He started laughing and said that I was describing him. WOW!!! I found one. I knew they existed somewhere in the dating jungle, but I just didn't know where they were hiding.

The thing is (drum roll please) he's not from Oz. Nothing against y'all from the Emerald City, but this Dorothy likes them from hills. Well, at least I like this one from the hills. And yes, I really, and I mean really, like him. OK, OK, I guess it's time for me to finally say it... I like him a lot!! Psych!!!

Fine I'll say it. The words that I am dancing around are... I love him.

You heard it here first. I love Mr. Rose. I didn't plan on it happening, but it did just the same. The man has won my heart... completely. And here comes the kicker, I don't just love him, I'm in love with him. He makes me feel beautiful, safe and loved. I trust him. I know that I've written it before about him in my blog, but the love just grows. This love feels like it's settling in my heart or maybe putting in roots. It's simple and strong.

It's so funny how with the other men I dated it was so easy for me to write that I might love them, but now with him it's different. It's just so personal. It's something special. UGH!!! That sounds so trite and just... UGH!!! What I'm trying to say is that it's, it's something that just he and I share.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Some of you might understand. Anyway, that's also why I haven't written about our sex life. Kind of weird, isn't it? I will say this. His kisses make me disappear, chills run down my spine and my skin burns at his touch. I've never felt like this before. No man has ever, ever made me feel like this. I'm just so glad that it's him because otherwise I'd have a problem... hee hee ;)

Months Ago

Memories of months ago remembered as years of love and smiles
In our understanding through the ancient passion of others
My desire grows with my trust
And the future is nearer than the past

How I long for you without time interrupting;
An eternity of contentment and beatific smiles satisfied in your arms
But the fear crashes through the golden gates and darkens my hopes of forever
It surprised me with a quick return after I had banished it
Vanquished it with your understanding.

I dream of suffocating it with our happiness and together times
But it drags my heels reaching for my open heart.
I want to cut its claws but am afraid of amputating my own hands
Ghost pains of mistrust will only continue to hound me
Until I know what part of me I must fight
To win you

Over My Shoulder

Mr. Rose is sitting next to me as I write. He has access to my blog, but doesn't visit. He wants to give me my privacy. Anyway, I was showing him something and he noticed that in my "about me" it stated that I was thirty-something. Oh boy! He kinda got on me about that. I turned 40 a couple months back.

The funny thing is that when Mr. Rose would first answer his friends questions about me he made me 40. He didn't want people to think there was that great an age difference. Not that it feels like there is any disparity in the way we view the world because of how old we are. Soooooo... I kinda got on him about making me older and he's now returning the favor.

He knows how I feel about honesty too. So there you go.... I'm 40. Of course, I still act like I'm 16.

btw- Mr. Rose just turned another year older himself this week. I think that might be the reason for his even noticing the age thing. ttytt-I don't even notice the age difference, BUT I love to tease him about it.

one more thing Mr. Rose just realized why the post wasn't posting... it said pm not am. Ya just gotta love the man!!!!!

I've Been Remiss

...in writing my blog and in following other blogs. I just realized that it's almost been two years since I started writing this blog and on a regular basis.. It shouldn't have surprised me how much I enjoyed the writing. I loved to makeup stories on paper and in my head ever since I was little.

Although, I haven't been writing here that much I have been writing in a "notebook." Most of you, if not all of you are aware of the issues that have been going on with my ex which is why I switched this blog to invite only. He tried to use it against me in court. I don't know what about it showed that in anyway that I'm an unfit parent, but he tried nonetheless.

Anyway, I've been busy lately... with work, with life, and with Mr. Rose. Believe it or not (and sometimes it's hard for me to believe) he's still in the picture. We've been together now for a little over six months. He has continued to send me roses, treat me like gold and has even give me gold (a bracelet for Chanuka). The bracelet impressed DB. "WOW! Real gold, Mommy? That's X-PENSIVE!!!"

What has impressed me is not the roses or the bracelet, but the thoughts behind them. And not just them but his understanding and patience.

Which reminds me I need to apologize to him so I'm going to cut this short.

I Finally Did It

I forgot to tell y'all... I finally cut my hair!! (pictures coming soon... no, silly, not of me and my new hair cut, but of the two long braids.)

At least 15 inches came off into two braids. Then I got more chopped off during my haircut for a total of at least 20 inches. OK, I know that I've lost the guys attention (so what's the deal with guys and long hair anyway??), but I have bangs and it's in layers (short and choppy) and THE MAN loves it. He helped me finally get rid of the locks that were constantly knotting, always pulled back and doubled into a ponytail, and usually hid under a baseball cap.

He kept on encouraging me to get it cut even though he loves long hair because he knew how much it was irritating me. Work and DB keep me pretty busy, and with Yontiff my schedule was just insane. I was going out to visit him and a friend of mine (more on that later) suggested I use her guy. Believe it or not I actually scheduled an appointment AND WENT!! Not until after I walked into the place did I find out that Mr. Rose had already paid for my cut. HOLY MOLY!!! Who is this man???

Before I got the cut I warned him that I would probably cry afterwards. It's kind of traumatic to lose that much hair even if you want to, it's for a good cause, and it's been driving you bonkers. Also told him that I would probably hate my new hair cut, and the best thing for him to do was to constantly tell me that it looks great, he really likes it even if he thinks it's the ugliest thing, and even if I tell him that I know it's ugly or to stop saying those things to me. That's some advice for you guys too. That is if you can remember when she gets her haircut or actually notice it. OK, OK, that wasn't fair, but c'mon most of you never say anything and it doesn't matter if she covers her hair. The woman in your life would appreciate hearing something nice. OY! Didn't mean to give a shmooze. Sorry.

So he picks me up and I don't even want him looking at me. I'm fussing with my hair because the guy styled it towards my face and UGH!! I hate that!!! We get back home, and that's when the tears start. Of course, he's been telling me the whole ride how much he likes it and I've been telling him I don't and I know how horrible it is.

The mirror is calling as soon as I walk in the door and I'm trying to fix my hair so that even if I won't feel pretty at least I'll be a little happier. Then I realize that I don't have anything to use on my hair. Mr. Rose immediately suggests that we go out and get stuff. OMG!!! This man is just 'da best! CVS here we come. I spend about twenty minutes trying to find what I want, and they just didn't have it. BUT he buys me the some of the stuff I was looking at anyway!!! Makes you want to kiss him... and I did.

Later on we went food shopping so that I could cook for Shabbos and Yontiff and the 14 guests we were having for one of the meals, and there it was... my gunk. The stuff I put in my hair. He got a kick out of the name and I'm sure y'all will too... Bed Head. Kind of appropriate for me. Isn't it???

I was able to do my hair the way I like it and I was really happy with the hair cut, but the wonderful man kept on telling me that he loves the way it looks. I told him he didn't have to anymore and he said he wasn't telling me because he thought I needed to hear it, but because he thinks I look great. I know, I know, I'm not letting him go. He's not Mr. Perfect, but I'm not interested in perfect. I want him.

It's been a couple of weeks and I still like my hair so much so that I'm going to get it cut out by Mr. Rose from now on.

IMPORTANT!!! The reason I grew my hair and cut it.

I'm donating my hair to Zichron Menachem in Israel. They make human hair wigs for children who have lost their hair due to cancer

• Hair needs to be a minimum of 25 cm (10 inches) long - when braided.
• The hair should be tied with a rubber band at both ends - before it is braided and cut.

Braids should be sent (enclosed in a plastic or zip-lock bag) to:
Israel:
Zichron Menachem
P. O. Box 16383
Jerusalem, 91163

In the USA:

The Children's Bridge of Zichron Menachem
39 West 37th Street 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10018

In the UK:
The British Friends of Zichron Menachem
30 Brookside Road #306
London NW119NE

Missing

Hot tears and aching sobs
fill
his voice in my ear cannot place his arms around me
or let me look into his eyes

I pick a fight because the hurt has to go somewhere
out
into the world away from my soul
I want my life filled with smiles
not swallowed loneliness

Knowing that we will be together soon only intensifies the pain
that laughs at me for my foolish fears.

It Seems Like Forever

...that I haven't written. It's only been about three months. It also seems like it's forever since I met Mr. Rose. Y'all remember him. The man who was good to me, who is good to me... so good to me. I've never experienced in my life anything near what he has given me; in support, caring, understanding, patience, and most importantly love.

I feel safe and secure with him in so many ways. I trust him with my emotions and I also trust him to stick around. He is the first man that I've ever introduced to DB as someone I'm dating. Not only that I tell him I love him within DB's earshot, and he's seen me hug him.

Now that's a huge step. I can't begin to write how my life has changed since he's become a part of it. UGH!!! That sounds so, actually most of this post sounds so, so ummmm.... so mushy, so lovey dovey, so grossifyingly sweet. It's just got to stop.

OK, so let's talk about fighting. I've had a couple disagreements with him. I've also pulled away from him... very far away. And he's still hung around. He wouldn't let me run away from him, but he gave me the room I needed to come back. This man is unbelievable. OK, OK, I've started gushing again. Yes, it's ridiculous.

The funny thing is that I never would've picked him for me. I mean c'mon he's about 11 years older, he lives in a different city, and before I started dressing him... well, he just didn't care that much. Yes, he dressed neatly. And yes, he wore clean clothes, but he dressed plainly. You could tell that he hadn't really bought anything for himself in quite some time. So, his daughter and I had fun together and got him some shirts and ties, pants, cashmere sweaters (so yummy to cuddle up to when he's in them, and yes he's yummy to cuddle up to when he's not in them {take that as you will}) a nice pair of cashmere lined leather gloves for Shabbos, a cashmere scarf, and a new suede hat.

He looks good!!!! And he also smells good. I told him how I like cologne on a man, and he went out to get some. Then he wrote a little screenplay about his search for the right scent. He's smart, witty, and knows what to say to me (in many different ways). He's the man! My man.
In case you can't tell, I've got it bad for him.

Oh! Forgot to tell you about the jewelry he gave me for my b-day, how my family loves him, how he sticks up for me, and how comfortable DB is around him.

Every time he reminds me of how long we've been dating (it was just our 4 month anniversary), we laugh because it seems like we've been together forever, even if it's such a short time and yet we look back and realize how far we have come.

Yes, he is the one who's been keeping track. I still get roses. He cleans my apartment and peels 10 lbs. of potatoes without a single complaint. HE DOES THE FREAKIN' DISHES!!! WOW!!! and believe me the man is not pussy whipped. He has a mind of his own and a strength that just attracts me to him like you wouldn't believe.

Don't really want to get into our sex life. OMG!!!! Can you believe that I'm writing that?!?? Me, Miss My Bed Is An Open Book. But it's personal. Whoa!!! I get freaked out sometimes in this relationship. I can't believe the things I now say and do. Anyway, I'll write more later. just wanted to update and let some of you know what's going on in my life. Plus I might want to one day look back and read this with him and laugh and laugh!

A Man With A Slow Hand

Mr. Rose came to town. The funny thing about it was that I wasn't shy when I saw him again. Yes, I know, it doesn't make sense, especially after you've read about me but I do get shy on occasion.

When Mr. Rose and I first met I had a hard time meeting his eyes with mine. But not yesterday.

Anyway, on to the good stuff. He came to Oz just to see me. I had a meeting and work so we didn't even get to spend that much time together, BUT what time we did have was, ummmm, well spent. ;-) Again, y'all have your minds in the gutters. I'm referring to dinner together and then a long walk around my neighborhood while we talked and enjoyed being with one another. The air had cooled. The stars were out, and sweat didn't coat our palms when we held hands. Couldn't ask for more...

Speaking of hands, that's always one of the first things that I always notice about a man, and not for the reason that most of you think. Hands denote strength and security to me which I find very sexy.

The hands on Mr. Rose are wonderful and he knows how to use them. Boy, does he ever!!! One word - WOW! I couldn't get enough of them. My body is reacting just thinking about him and what he can do with them. WHOA NELLIE!!

I got another package from him today. It included an alarm clock and two movies. You need an alarm clock when you're busy and not getting too much sleep.

He went back home today, and I went to work. I'm tired and can't sleep because... Well, I'll just leave that one to your imagination.

btw-Hit my head on the night table and the wall. Don't even ask

I Had To Share

Steg wrote a wonderful post on Korach or should I say Qorahh. Go read it here.

A Visit

Mr. Rose is coming to Oz to have dinner with me. We talk everyday, and I've been getting to know him better as a person, friend and especially a man. He sent me more music and his understanding of who I am blows me away. He is kind and loving which is something that I have been searching for but there is so much strength and passion contained within him. I thought that I might have to forgo that.

Even if things don't work out between us, I have learned so much about myself from him.

But I think I just might want to give it a try.

btw-Tripped GOING UP the stairs to work yesterday. Everyone, including me, got a good laugh out of that one.

No Pressure

Haven't really given y'all the low down on Mr. Rose and his trip to Kansas. He has friends in Kansas, but it was easier all around to have him stay with some of my relatives. There were a lot of cousins interested in hosting him, but I wanted him to feel comfortable so I made sure he had his own floor including choice of bedrooms and bathroom.

I got into Kansas all gross from working and then traveling, and the first place I went was to see him. Points for Mr. Rose that he didn't run screaming for the hills. He then went on to tell me that I look better than my pictures. I beg to differ. I think he was just excited that I'm a real live person and not a figment of his imagination.

He had already sent me flowers, books, and music, but the next thing I know I have a box of chocolates in my hand and am told that I don't even need to share. WHOA!!! Y'all know how I feel about chocolate. Not only that he brought me more music, he has great taste, two toys for DB and... a brand new tool belt. That's the way to this woman's heart!!!

I like working with my hands... in numerous ways. Get your minds out of the gutters!! ;-) I crochet, knit, needlepoint, replace light fixtures, toilets, faucets, sinks, vanities, not to mention working on my car. I like to get my hands dirty. Believe it or not I have never owned a tool belt, and there have been many occasions when one would've come in handy, repairing the ceiling fan is just one of them.

All I can say is he really listens to me and then thinks about me when getting me something. Unbelievable. I'm blown away.

Well, he obviously feels something for me. He's been telling me in letters, phone calls, and now in person, but I'm a little uncomfortable. Things are moving way too fast on his part. Yes, Petey, I know I fall easily, but Mr. Rose has fallen harder and faster.

He was going to come to Oz for Shabbos, but we're slowing things down a bit. He's totally cool with that. WOW!!! Is he too good to be true?!?!?

Wasn't able to finish the post last night...

Stopped at Home Depot today. It's one of my favorite toy stores, and finally picked up a new ceiling fan for the kitchen. I was going to install it tonight after I changed the light switch in the bedroom, BUT had to go pick up DB from a sleepover party. He's still not comfortable quite yet sleeping at a friend's house. So I now owe Mr. Rose a nickel. I told him I could have the fan installed tonight and he bet against me.

It seems like he has an idea of who I am. He started talking about firemen, and how being stuck in Home Depot with one would make me a happy woman.

Bye Bye

Lots Going On

I heard from Mr. B tonight, and he really wants to go out again. BUT he understands that I have a lot going on right now. It was very considerate and understanding of him... so maybe I'll think about it. In the meantime, we're just going to be friends.

I had a wonderful Shabbos with Mr. Rose. He's a good, sweet man, but I just don't know. We went out Sat. night too. Of course I had to prove how amazingly graceful I was and fell off some bleachers (onto the grass). At least ,there was no blood just some bruises and a red face.

BGB also called tonight and we had fun talking for awhile. It looks like we might get together sometime soon.

And I really have to get back to someone on Frumster who wanted to set me up with a friend of his. GEEZ LOUISE!!! Just when I don't have time everyone is interested. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!??!?

Dylan

It ain't me...

Writing 6

Danny left before Stacy did.

They had talked about it on their walks around the grounds and knew that one of them would end up leaving the hospital before the other. It took Danny awhile to earn the privilege to leave the building unescorted, but once he did the four of them would slowly wander down the shaded blacktop driveway to the gate. As soon as they were out of eyesight of the guards and cameras, they would separate into couples. Danny and Stacy. Ted and Amy. Or sometimes the guys would be stuck with each other while the girls went off to talk.

At first he was left inside, while Stacy was out walking with Ted. Danny knew there was no reason to be jealous, but that didn't stop the dark emotion from bubbling inside him. The window grills separated and marked them as wild animals with strange patterns. They were roaming free and he had to watch while Stacy and Ted slowly left his view.

It was easy for him to move up to GP (grounds privileges). He wasn't in for wanting to hurt himself or others just for the pain that was swallowing him. He wanted to ask Stacy to come out with him, but was afraid that would be too obvious. Danny waited until the chance finally presented itself, and he asked to join her and Ted and have them show him around.

The heat felt good as the sweat started to bead on the back of his neck. It was like the doors opening at the end of a long flight when the temperature stayed the same and the recirculated air tasted stale. Danny wasn't sure if it was the smell of honeysuckles or Stacy's skin that left him dazed from a sugar high. "Danny.... Danny?"

He woke to Stacy's hand on his arm. "Are you alright?"

He shook off the light touch thinking a bug had landed and saw her eyes look into his. Dark, and haunted.

Stacy asked him again and his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. It was dry like the cotton the dentist would use. He was nervous that his deep voice would startle her to turn from him. He managed a "mmm hmmm." She glanced into his eyes again, and he could only think of how he wanted those deep pools to sparkle in the sun. A butterfly landed on his shirt and for the first time he heard her sweet laugh and it fell like soft rain cooling his skin.

Alive

Drowning in his passion
breathing his kisses
to live
a golden chain of desire drags my heart to him
across my barren soul of doubt

to be found in his arms
waking to dreams
unsure of the reality of love
confused by the calm in his knowing

trusting the safety of his understanding
his words dig into my chest and pound life into my blood
pushing deeper into me
I yield to the truth that this is what is meant to be

Writing 5

There came the time when the show could no longer go on. Danny just couldn't do it. It took too much effort to be the person, the people others wanted him to be. He decided to cancel the act but couldn't find the lines to say that fit who he really was. He was lost in other's ideas of "Danny."

The only thing he knew was the pain. The ache in his empty soul that only tears could fill. He was afraid that if he let out the flood it would wash away any slight remainder of who he thought he might be. What Danny didn't realize was that the water could be a refuge and tears could transform him in a pool of rebirth.

He made the decision to go to the hospital on a hot sunny day. He was cold inside and couldn't even be bothered to fake a return smile to the people who claimed they cared about him. He wanted his life back.

No, what he really wanted was a life of his own choosing with the ability to feel all that the world had to offer him; to travel through suffering and pain with tears and anger and arrive at happiness and accomplishment with love and sharing.

What Danny desired was understanding... of who he himself was. What he didn't realize was that he desperately wanted someone else there to be able to do that with him.

And that is how he came to love Stacy. She stood silently and accepting beside him with patience in her slow breaths, and scars of suffering dotted with faded marks from stitches up and down her arms.

The Next Best Thing

Mr. Rose sent me music... Van Morrison and Warren Haynes. I don't know what the order of these things are but flowers, books, and music are the top three and he sent them all.

Impressive.

In The Air

The words we don't speak
hang in the air between us
trying to reach through to love
past frustration and anger at circumstances
It's still there
I can't hide it, run from it, forget it
or cry it away.

What's Next?

I was speaking to Mr. Rose on the phone today, and he told me check my mail when I got home. Then he quickly stated that he didn't send me flowers, and he wouldn't answer any of my questions about what it was that I should be looking for.

Waiting at my door was a package from Amazon. Books! He sent me books!!

WOW! First flowers and now books. This man definitely pays attention to what I like, plus there was another sweet note from him too.

Broken

Writing 4

He wanted the ache to stop, and the tears locked inside his chest to evaporate. He didn't want people to know how much he hurt and why. The thing is he didn't even want to admit it to himself. Most of the time he was pretty good at acting like everything was fine. "The Danny Show" was what he called it to himself. There were only a couple people he let behind the curtain and even then he didn't or couldn't express everything that was going on with him.

How could he when he didn't understand it himself? All he knew was the frustration, the pain, the longing, and the dreams. "How did he get here?" Was something he asked himself every so often and then he would stuff the questions down and try to forget about them. He would clear his head with a slight shake of no and get back into character.

Make A Wish

Just something that was easy and fun to write



Sometimes it would catch her by surprise. She would look at the clock and there it would be staring at her waiting for her dreams.... 11:11 "Make a wish." That's what her friends had taught her. And she would.

When she first learned about it the wishes were of ponies, a new bike, pink ballet slippers, and a brand new baseball glove that had to be broken in with saddle soap, a baseball in the pocket, secured with rubber bands and then put under your mattress.

She wasn't all girlie girl. Her best friend David could attest to that. Hell, with a nickname like Frankie you knew she didn't sit at home polishing her fingernails waiting for a boy to call.

Baseball was what brought them together. They became friends that first day at camp when she stole his favorite hat from his sweaty head and took off running. She wore it the rest of the day and it didn't bother her that it had never been washed. It was the summer before both of them were going into fourth grade, and they were inseparable.

It's not that they were outcasts. They both had friends of the same sex. It's that they were most comfortable when it was just the two of them . They understood each other. Her friends (girls) didn't get it when she talked rbi's, era's, and her dreams to play shortstop. Day's friends (boys) didn't understand his love of reading and writing. When they were together there was an easiness; conversations switching between how their team could've lost last night's game to which book was their favorite that week.



They hated the teasing, and they got it a lot. Their parents, friends and siblings just wouldn't let up. She was the only girl invited to his bar-mitzvah and as soon as he said hello at the party they both heard the kissy sounds of his classmates. He told her they were jealous when he saw the tears in her eyes as she ran from the party. And it was then that he realized that they probably were and with good reason.

She was special and even if she was only a buddy, she was his.

It took her longer to realize. All through high school, he listened to her as they would throw the ball around, about this guy or another. He never told her how he felt. He was always afraid she would laugh and think he was joking. She dated almost every guy in his class and some in the classes above and below. The almost was that she didn't date him.

It was the summer after their graduation when he told her. They were both going away to school, and he was afraid he would lose her to a college guy. He had almost lost her earlier that year. He remembered listening to her talk once again about how she felt about someone other than him, except this guy wanted to marry her. It shocked him into action.

She laughed while talking about it. Finding it so very funny that someone could even think of her in that way. She still loved baseball and hanging with the boys. She couldn't see herself as someone's wife and then later as a mom.

He took another look at the girl he loved and realized that she wasn't a girl anymore. Other people saw her as a young woman with a brilliant smile that would light up her eyes even if they were hidden behind glasses and under that ever present baseball hat.

Again

When did things get so intense?

I just spent awhile going through some old letters, and started remembering how much fun I had/have with you. It made me smile and laugh. I relaxed while thinking about you doing and saying silly things.

Sometimes you just need to enjoy each other's company. And that's me talking to myself. I know you are well aware of this and have been trying to knock it into my head.

I like you and spending time with you. That's it.



btw-Don't even try and think that you knew I would do this!!!! You sooooooo didn't.

Haveil Havalim - The Celtics Must Lose

Haveil Havalim #169 is up and Jack did a great job even while watching The Lakers.

btw-#169 not #168

I Hope You Dance

Trying To Forget

I've been trying to forget him. It hasn't been working too well, but maybe now it will. It's good-bye.

I wrote these two posts before. I put one up and took it down... hoping.



Surprised

That he didn't say good-bye.

But should I be? What else am I to think?

There is so much to write and say that the words are stuck in my chest and have started climbing to my throat along with the ache. I won't allow it to go any further. I'll swallow it down. I won't allow myself to hurt like this. I won't have to worry about hanging in limbo.

Maybe it was all of my own making. Maybe I saw more in him than was really there. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe he just discovered who I really was or thinks he has. Maybe he has too much going on. Maybe he's just too tired, lazy, afraid or doesn't feel what he thought was there. And maybe I shouldn't be coming up with excuses for him. He's just not that into me. That's it... plain and simple.

I opened myself up to him more than I have done with any other man I've known, felt more for him than I thought was possible. I'm glad I did. I hope he has a good life and will be happy. I know that I will.

Goodbye



I'm Not So Smart

Sometimes, I'm just not so smart. I don't need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat to realize that someone just doesn't feel the same way. Yeah, I'm beating myself up.

I just thought... I just thought he cared the way I did. It shouldn't hurt to know that he doesn't. It should make me feel better. It should make me feel relieved and even happy, but it doesn't. I'll miss him.

He made me smile and feel good inside. But then he also made me cry. I just wasn't going to do it in front of him. I never felt that way for someone, and there's no way in hell I'm going to let myself feel that way again. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to forget him, and everything about him.

I'm strong. I may not be smart sometimes, but I'm strong enough to get through this. And I'm not stupid enough to let myself get hurt like this again. I wish I didn't feel. I wish the pain would just leave the way he has. It hurts.

I know that I deserve someone who wants me. But you know what, I don't think I'm going to open myself up to that.

He's A Nice Guy

...but it's not going to work. Mr. B came by to take me out tonight. I like him, he's sweet, but there's something that's not there. Or maybe there's something that is there.

It annoyed me that he was on his way over before I even told him that I would go out with him tonight. I'm not a foregone conclusion, and I don't like being taken for granted. I told him he was not going to be invited in and he still asked me a couple of times. We'll be friends with maybe some csbf, but that's it. I think he really is a little too young for me.

Mr. Rose does not live in Oz. He mentioned last night that he wants to meet me as soon as possible so it looks like we will be getting together for a weekend in Kansas. We've got a lot in common. He also loves the wind and water and wants to take me to the ocean.