Written When Happy

"If there is meaning in life at all," Frankl wrote, "then there must be meaning in suffering."  I've never read anything by Victor Frankl.

Yes, I've heard of him, and the title of his famous book, Man's Search For Meaning.  It must have never been the right time for me to discover it, and even though I still haven't read it, it and he have still impacted my life.

As soon as I finished reading the above quote, it became apparent to me why after hating Crime and Punishment I just couldn't get enough of analyzing it and Dostoevski.  Which then pulled me to Malamud's The Fixer.  

My professor asked me in what I can only recall as almost the exact same words as Frankl's.  "Is there meaning in suffering?" Or maybe he said, "Does suffering have meaning?"

My immediate response was "yes" even though I have suffered immensely throughout life, and I would much rather be happy.  But now that I've read an essay by Frankl, I think that there can be a combination of the two.

Just thinking out loud.

Nobody Knows

He doesn't know.  He thinks he knows what I feel for him, but he doesn't.

You see, he doesn't, well, he doesn't even like to feel/think about his emotions.  So you can imagine how he must feel about my overwhelming ones.  If they are sometimes too much for me to handle, then he most certainly doesn't want to even begin to contemplate what I'm experiencing.

I love him.  Me, the person who knows better than to try and love again, has given him--is giving him  everything.

But I'm still afraid.  Ok, I'm actually positive that my heart will be broken into pieces, but that undeniable fact, can't stop me from loving him.  I know.  I'm stupid.  I know better.  But he says things, he means things, he does things that make me want to love him through the fear.

Salty drops burn my cheeks with joy and waves of fear crash through my soul.

Not Really

It's not really easy.  Sometimes it can seem like it, but then you get the wakeup call.  That sharp ringing sound startling you and bringing reality crashing through your dream world.  A heart breaking in loud gulping sounds filling a dark empty room.  Puddles formed by salty rivers flowing down your cheeks.

There is never a happy ending only beginnings filled with unsaid goodbyes.

Easy

It is easy to be with him.  I'm relaxed.  He's relaxed.  We talk and laugh.  He's fun, and his smile reaches his blue eyes and lights up his face.  I love to look at him.  Our hands fit.  You know what I mean when that doesn't work.... some people don't know how to hold hands, or your hand is just not comfortable in their's.

We were walking in the park.   At first our hands were clasped together and then our fingers were entwined. The next thing I knew I was holding onto a couple of his fingers with my hand. He wasn't uncomfortable with it, and he probably didn't notice it at all.  But I did. It didn't matter how our hands were linked.  It was comfortable.

The little things...

OH! The Chanuka presents he got me!!!! A multimeter for when I work on computers... my very own.  It just shows he believes in me.

A bracelet that is beautiful.  It's the planets in the Solar System, and yes, it includes Pluto!  How does he find things that appeal to the nerd and woman in me at the same time????

And lastly the heart... so yeah, that's just for the two of us.  Sorry but no details there except for the fact that he's the hottest man and knows exactly what does it for me.

He really liked his presents too!!  They made him smile and that means the world to me.

The weirdest thing is that I asked him what he wanted, and he told me that he wanted a picture of me for his office.  Really???? Neither of my husbands (it still cracks me up to write that in the plural) ever wanted or had that.  I guess he does love me and doesn't want to hide me.  That was the best present he could have given me, and he doesn't even know it.

Falling Deeper

Every time the fears come back he chases them away; with laughter, with love, with words and most especially with his actions.  I've written it before, but I'm going to write it again... and most likely again and again.  He listens to me.  He actually listens to me.  Then he tries his best to give me what I ask for.  And even if I haven't asked for it, he recognizes what I need and he manages to give it to me too.

He's... He's the best thing... He wasn't supposed to happen.  I wasn't looking for anyone.  At least I wasn't looking for anyone to love.  He calms me, excites me, and satisfies me in so many ways.  I want him.  I love him.  I don't want him to go away.  I don't want to go away.  I'm trying my damnedest to be honest and open and not expect him to read my mind.  Yes, he can do it anyway, but it's better for both of us if I can tell him things.

I know I just wrote it.  I know I told him numerous times, but each time I say it...

I love him.

Resolving The Issue

"It isn't a solution if one of us is miserable."  His words.  His beautiful words.

You see, there wasn't an answer, but he got us past it.

The us in his statement is the solution.

He Tries

What more could I ask for?  Not only that, but he usually succeeds.

The three words I was sure he was feeling, but only heard a couple of times and then no more, have been spoken, and written.

My Mr. Spock is trying to acknowledge his human side even while he analyzes it.  The thing is that it seems I understand emotions (his emotions) a little better than he does.  Or at least I'm able to acknowledge them even if he can't; love, jealousy, and anger.

He was willing and is willing to listen to my point of view.  He has some more amazing characteristics including being the most caring and understanding man I know.  AND his kisses take my breath away - literally!!

I love him and he loves me.  Simple

A Change of Attitude

I'm happy because I choose to be.

I've had a rough couple of months, been down both emotionally and physically.  The funny thing is that once I decided to be happy and to look at things in a more positive manner, I'm not sick anymore.  My voice is almost back to normal which is great because it's hard to sing songs with two year olds when you sound like an old man who's been smoking since he was 10.

And yes, I'm now getting hugs and kisses and tons of smiles almost every day.  That's the best payment of working with little ones.  Oh! I forgot their giggles!!!

I've been trying not to think too much about what's going on relationship-wise.  There really isn't too much I can do about it; either leave or stay.  So for right now, I'm sticking around and choosing to believe him or at least trying to believe him.  I want to be with him, but it probably won't happen.  Just being realistic.

Everything Is Subject To Change

It most certainly is.  I know things change from day to day and even from hour to hour.  That's a part of life, and for the most part I can take it.  I'm used to ups and downs.  Hell, I create a good amount of them.  But I don't think he's being realistic, and it's funny that I have to be that for both of us.

I don't think he's being honest with himself, and if he's not honest with himself than he can't be honest with me.  I don't think he's trying to hurt me.  And yes, I'm scared about trusting him.... ok, absolutely terrified of trusting him so much so that I probably won't be able to completely trust him for years.

All of this is going to scare him off even though he won't admit it.  It's ok though.  I'm ok.  I hope he will be too because I love him and want his life to be easy and for him to be happy.  I want to be able to remember him and think of his eyes smiling at me.

I've Been Writing

I actually wrote last night.  I started work on a new poem.  It felt damn good even if the poem is horrible.  I want to contact my poetry professor and meet up with him.  He's so cool and we get along well.  He also doesn't mind critiquing my work.  It would be nice to hear what needs correction and why something should be changed.

Onto the man of the hour.... I think he needs some space so I'm going to try my damnedest to give it to him.  I feel like he wants to pull back.  It's ok.  He's allowed to.  And it's not like I didn't know that this would happen.  I'm too much... and I'm scared and that just scares him away.  He can go, and as much as I don't want him to, I can let him.  Yeah right, sure you can CR.  Well, I can.  It doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell and that I won't miss him.  It just means that he's smart.  Ok, ok, it just means that... Well, it does mean that he's smart.  There's too much in my life and with me.  I wouldn't want to deal with me either.

I love him, but I only want to be with someone who wants me.  I don't want someone to have to pretend that they want to be with me, and I don't want someone who's doing it out of pity or some other weird reason.  It's too hard to think that.  I don't want to go, but if that is what he needs and/or wants then I will.

I want laughing and hugs and tears and love.  I want it all, and I will miss the smiling eyes in his voice.

Dreams, Decisions, and Desires

I write words I don't send.  I miss him.  I love his laughing blue eyes that melt my heart.

Chris Isaak's new song "Please Don't Call" says what I can't, and what I don't want to say.  And then I hear the words to Bonnie Raitt singing "Feels Like Home" and I want to run into his arms and never leave.

It was my birthday, and he gave me the most amazing presents.  It was so obvious that he put so much thought into them.  Tears came to my eyes when I opened a present that no one else would ever think to get for me.  The nerd in me was overwhelmed, excited, flattered, and felt so acknowledged.  It was a sundial that really works.  It has a compass and you set the latitude.  Yeah, yeah, even the description is probably boring the non-nerds.  The other present was a beautiful silk scarf that felt as good as it looks.  The colors and print were so rich and vibrant.  One present for nerd and one for the woman.  He understands me.  Do you see why I love him?????  

Reality

It tends to get in the way.  As much as I try, I can't ignore certain things.  Sooooo... I'm not going to see him.  At first it was I'm not going to see him, text him, talk to him.  That really wasn't happening even with yontiff.  I missed him.  I miss him.  But I just can't see him.

I want to see him!!! That's not the issue, or maybe it is.  Yeah, could it be more confusing, tangled and just plain bonkers.

Instead I'm going to see what happens.  Maybe we'll drift apart.  What will probably happen is that when he can't see me, he won't be as interested; I'll hear from him less and less.

It hurts.  I don't want to say goodbye, but there was never a complete hello.  Things get in the way.  Life gets in the way.  His life gets in the way.

But I'm worth it, and have to remember that.  I deserve it all.  Not just bits and pieces, not seconds or minutes.  I want days, nights, dinners, walks, talks, star filled skies and thunderstorms.

I give my all, and that's what I want in return.

Quicker

Well, I'm getting quicker at bouncing back.  He can't scare me for too long.  I don't want him to scare me away from being happy or for him to do the same to himself.  It just feels too good to love someone and say it.  He's such a silly man, and I think we really do need to spend more time together.  It helps with everything.

So... this wonderful, amazing, silly man that I adore has every right to feel the way he does. BUT why make yourself miserable.  Happy is sooooooooooo much better.  If you have a choice, I highly recommend it!!!

Dandelion Wishes

My wishes float away.

I think I tend to wish for too much or for things that are just unattainable.  Yeah, CR, isn't that what wishes are?  Well, some of them are, and some are... who am I kidding?

If only I was a little kid again, and could take all my wishes into an imaginary world.  One where I am an Indian princess and happy on the back of a horse.  I can just go wherever I choose, places where the air rushes by me and makes me feel free and alive.

I wouldn't mind being a dandelion seed floating with someone else's wishes.  I would take them away in the wind, and keep them for my own since mine don't seem to come true.

The words are all jumbled up in my head and heart so I'll just let my fingers choose them.  I'm so happy.  I'm not high happy.  I'm content, but big smiling happy.

We had a misunderstanding - that's what he called it.  I still am not sure what it was.  I think it was actually an understanding, but one that wasn't the best.  I felt like he was pushing me away. And YES, he was.  He says no, but we'll have to agree to disagree.

When I was pulling back, I was texting him my feelings and thoughts about it.  He didn't get defensive, but he did see things differently.  The thing is there were no tears.  There was no immediate need for me to shut him out of my life and quickly close the gates and brick them up. Don't get me wrong.  I was thinking about it, but I stuck it out and didn't run.

This man is amazing.  He actually listens.  I know I've written it before, but this is one of the reasons why I'm still around - why I want him still around me.  You see the listening means he takes in what I'm saying and then does something about it even if it's only acknowledging  the validity of my feelings.  WHAAAAT!?!?!?!?  He tries to understand and doesn't say that I'm crazy for feeling a certain way.

So yeah, I love him.  It's that simple.  He's a good man.  But it's not just that.  We spend so much time laughing together.  It's easy, comfortable, relaxed and yes, so so so HOT!!!  He's handsome and his smile, his voice... Well, just about everything about him makes me melt.

Yeah, this is bonkers!! Yeah, there are no guarantees in life.  Yeah, I'm going to enjoy every second with him.  How could I not????  He's my friend too!! I'm so lucky he found me!!!!!

I just miss him.  I want to share so much with him.  I want him in my life.  I want to be in his.  I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his kisses.   There's so much I want, and I've told him.  But I don't know if that scares him away or makes him want to come closer or both.  Probably both because it does the same to me.  

We complement each other.  I respect and admire his strengths and wish I could be more like him.  He's not as reactive.  That's an understatement.

I'm so tired but I haven't written in so long, and I can't hold in how happy I am!!!

Everything That Goes Up

I can't wait to see him.  I'm so happy and excited.  Well, how could I not be.  Really!!!! There's so much I want to do with him - get your minds out of the gutter.... or don't ;) .  No really, I want to experience the world with him.  I want him to meet my friends and family, and see just how bonkers I am on a regular basis.  Yes, he knows me.  Yes, he knows me inside out.  Yes, he knows me better than I know myself (sometimes).  BUT he doesn't know what it's like to be around me.  He might hate it.  He has told me I'm intense.  Maybe too intense sometimes and yes, I know I get that way.  Sometimes I'm too intense even for me.  Really!!!

But I just want to be normal with him.  Yeah, yeah, stop laughing already... he knows, I know, you know and just about the whole world knows that I'm not normal.  But you know what I mean.  Anyway, I asked him what he would like to do, and he blew me away.  The simple things, the fun things, the things I love to do and just want someone to share them with; those were what he said.

The first thing he mentioned was to go for a walk.

Then came dinner, chasing pigeons, getting caught in the rain, standing under a tree in the rain, kissing in a doorway, kissing in the back of a taxi.  He slays me.  He destroys every wall,  or jumps right over them as if they are not even there.  He slices through the protective layers, rips them to shreds, and I have nothing left to cover myself.  And he doesn't even know the effect he has on me... what his words mean to me.

I only hope he's real, and this is not a game of some kind.

So that was what I wrote before 9 p.m. and then reality hits.

It's not going to happen.  None of it will.  I know.  Yeah, I really do know.  For one thing, and for some reason, I have not been blessed with an easy life, and he would make my life wonderful.  I was thinking of what he said to me Wednesday.  Tears were in my eyes several times during that conversation, and it wasn't that he was mean, obnoxious or hurtful in any way.  Just the opposite.  He was understanding, supportive and I don't even have the other words to describe the amazing things he said to me that not even my family has ever told me.

The funniest thing is that I took myself off the dating sites.  I even mentioned him to my mom again.  Not only that I mentioned him in passing to DB.

I wish he would just go away already.  Yes, I do!! That way I won't get too comfortable with being told nice things or treated in a nice way, and that way the feelings won't grow stronger roots because of his words and smiles.

The holidays, my birthday, his birthday and more holidays will be spent apart.

Make it go away.

I know what I sound like.  And I'm not pathetic!!! I'm tired and realistic about my life.

I want to know why Hashem would put someone like him so near but out of reach.

And yes, I love him.

He who learns must suffer,

And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget,

Falls drop by drop upon the heart,

And in our own despite, against our will,

Comes wisdom to us by the awful face of G-d.  (Aeschylus, Agamemnon)

Jumping To Conclusions

I did it again.  Sounds kind of familiar doesn't it? But it's true.  You see, he wrote back to me and apologized.  Wait! Don't do what I did and jump to a conclusion.  His apologies are meant, and no, I'm not that that stupid.  I know he means his apologies because he works on changing what he apologizes for.  WHOA!!!!

Now don't go and be jealous.  Well, ok, be jealous.  He's kind of amazing.  He tells me he's proud of me too.  Yes, he's real.  Yes, he's handsome.  Yes, he's fun and funny and smart.... AND yes, he's an unbelievable kisser.  Now, you should be very, extremely, CR, you're making him up jealous.

So I went and did what I shouldn't have done and told him.  But it's deeper now or different or just more real.  Yes, there are times when I'm freaked out like you would not believe.  Terrified is more like it.  So uptight that I start to pace.  But then I hear his voice either in his texts or on the phone and I relax as he tells me he's holding me tight and won't let go.

The thing is he makes fun of me too.  No, not in any mean way.  If it came even close to that, I'd be gone without giving him a chance to apologize.  He does it in the I know exactly who you are CR and am still here.  Hope I explained that so that you understand.

OOOOH! A friend of mine has his bike back and said he'll take me out riding.  Now, I just need to convince him to teach me how to ride.  Then I can go out riding with another friend of mine from school.

And I got a new job.  Pre-school teacher.  I get to hug munchkins and teach them about the world.  What could be better????  Yeah, it could be better if I actually had another one myself, but looks like that's not meant to be.  It's sad.  I always wanted about 5 kids, but I guess it's from Hashem because there is just no way I would have been able to be there for DB the way he needs me if he had other siblings.

I'm worried about him, but I know he'll pull through.  I have every confidence that he will have a happy and successful life, and I wish I could instill that in him.  He feels pressure that I haven't expressed about how he has to be throughout his life.  All I want for him is happiness and for him to be able to support himself and his family.  I know that he has so much more. Oh, well, that could be the pressure he feels.  He is talented, but I will shut up about it.  He does work on it.  Tonight he was sketching when I was going to sleep.

I am praying that his life gets easier and he gets healthier.  What an amazing kid he is or should I say young man.  He's definitely growing up.  When I told him about my new job, his face lit up, he became very animated and was so excited for me.  I love my boy!

It seems like the men in my life are actually there for me.  I must be dreaming.  After all, it's 3:23 a.m. and even though the windows are shut and I'm miles away the birds are singing in Oz.

Ups And Downs

Yup.  Did it again.  Said something I shouldn't have.  Felt something that I know better than to feel.  Wish I weren't so stupid sometimes.  You would think that I would know better by now.  Yeah, right.  CR, you never learn.

Fine, so I will learn.  I won't let anyone through or invite them in - which is a better description of my behavior.  There's a reason people build walls, and I need to brick mine back up after I reinforce it with rebar and concrete.

I guess, I deserve it.  Actually, I know I deserve it.

I don't like hurting.  And I don't like feeling so stupid.

Saw some old friends this week and told them about the second divorce.  They were sorry, and I told them that they most certainly should not feel that way since I don't.  Then they mentioned that I would find someone and that they had friends who got married for the 3rd time implying that the same would happen to me.  Well, it wasn't really implied because they straight out said some nice things about me and that because I'm like that they know that I would marry again... but this time the right man.

Ummmmmm.... NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!  I have informed my neighbors, friends, and family that if I even contemplate it, to stop me.  I'm obviously not good at picking men.  Just take a look at this blog through the years.

I shouldn't even be talking to men.  It's just that... Nope, no rationalizations or justifications.

There are just some things I'm not good at. Computers are obviously the right field for me.

It's just sad

I'm sad

He Remembers

I have two dates coming up this week, and neither is with him.  Both of the men were easy to talk to on the phone even if they are completely different.  And of course neither of them are him.

But then again no one could be him.  He actually listens to me and remembers.  This from a man who really, yes, really, doesn't remember things.  He doesn't say my name anymore, but a part of that is because I asked him not to.  Now, I asked him not to about a week and a half ago, and in our relationship with all the ups and downs that's like millenniums passing.  Yet, he remembered.

He said my name today and it touched me, and then he called me by a nickname that he doesn't use.  WHOA! No way, buddy boy!! That just sounds horribly wrong coming out of your mouth.  I'd rather you not call me anything or even "Hey, you."

I'm lucky.  He's my friend.  He wants to be my friend.  I want him as a friend.  Of course (yes, those two words were for him) we both want more.  Not sure if/how that will ever be able to work, and in the meantime I'm all over the place emotionally.

He makes me happy.  He makes me smile.  He's proud of me.  That kind of blows my mind.

I miss him.  I want him.  I love being in his arms.  I love laughing with him, being frustrated with him, and loving him.

Labels

So things didn't quite end... like I'm sure you're all surprised by that.  And we saw each other yesterday, but he doesn't say my name anymore.  It's also going to be extremely difficult to see each other for the rest of the summer and maybe later.

DB will be home and I will still be in school so.....  Is that it????

No clue, but I want to go out and have fun.  I want to laugh, and not focus on what I'm missing.  Last night in class was a blast.  Of course, I was absolutely exhausted and punch drunk, not to mention a little buzzed on caffeine at the same time.  If I made any sense, I was extremely lucky, but the guys and I couldn't stop laughing.  The new friendships I'm making are clicking, and it's so nice.

Love having fun people in my classes who have no problem if I rag on them and just give it right back to me as much if not more.  Guys are so much fun to be with (in so many ways)!!!

Some more men have contacted me and maybe I'll make some new friends or go out on some dates.

Don't ask me what I'm doing! I'm trying to live my life and not have it be on hold.

So I've labeled him a "bud", albeit one with special privileges.  I'm putting everything else - letters and feelings and hiding the box in the back of my closet so I can't see it and not be reminded of... Yeah, be reminded of what???

He Shut Me Down

Don't need to worry anymore about when, where, how I'm going to see him.  I'm not going to see him.  It was a tough week, and I told him what I needed.  Not only that he knows that it's extremely difficult when I don't get to talk or text him.  And when his phone was turned off after Shabbos.....

Yeah, yeah, he was busy.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.  It's obvious he doesn't want me... either he was testing me (consciously or subconsciously) or I'm not as important to him as he says I am.

Then instead of an apology, yup, he does it, defending his actions.... "I get tied up."  That's fine.  It's obvious other things are more important.  No "I'm sorry."  He wanted this to be over with too.  Although, I really doubt he would admit to it.  

The worst thing is that after he was trying to defend his behavior, he turned his phone off.  Yup, he actually did.  He shut me down and shut me out.  Just more proof that he doesn't want it, but either can't admit it to himself or would just like to blame me.

There were no yelling accusations, no name calling.... just an end without an ending.

44 Hz and 16 bits per sample

I don't even know what to write or how to write it, but maybe just by typing things will come out.  I don't like being all over the place.  I don't like having to ask for something again and again.  There's nothing wrong with asking, but even if it may seem like it's easy to ask for something, I've always found it difficult.  It's much easier for me to give than to take; let alone to ask.

Don't know anything, of course as I typed the words don't know I started singing in my head the rest of the words "there's no sun up in the sky.  Stormy weather.  Since my man and I ain't together.  Keeps rainin' all the time."  Etta James knew how to belt it, but so did Billie Holliday and Lena Horne.

I'm singing it in my head softly almost a whisper a whisper of his touch of his look of puddles and a cold chilling rain that goes through your bones and your soul alone in a house of happy smiles that hide the years of tears and paintings never framed in a pile tucked away.  shadowed blinds bleaching the wood and things instead of my feelings words coming into my head not even full thoughts just shadows of the leaves the photograph of periwinkle hydrangeas on Aunt Millye's old round table in a pitcher of clear water

a phone call and music.  I need music and sunshine.  Louis Armstrong and crackles of sound in old recordings.  Blind Melon and Mozart up next and feet moving.

I feel better.

Thinking and Laughing

I think too much.  I focus on things I can't control too much.  I need to chill big time.  AND I got some good sleep last night!!!  That helps with controlling where my brain goes.  I've been kind of negative in my posts lately.  Worrying and whining!!! OMG! I really hope you haven't suffered reading through them.  Well, they could've also been a source of entertainment.  Were you guys betting on how much longer I would go on like this???  Unreal....

So ridiculous to let myself get carried away like that.  Bonkers! Totally and completely bonkers... I'm so embarrassed, but that's what I get for putting myself out there.  And at least now I know and have a very strong reminder about what I need to work on.

And I just wrote a text to him that... I can't even begin to say what it implied.... But I'm cracking up about it.

Yeah, I need to think before I speak and write.  I most certainly do!!  Holy Moly!! I'm ridiculous sometimes.  Ok, ok, I'm ridiculous a good portion of the time, but at least I recognize it... and can laugh at it.

So that's my mission... stop thinking and then think before I speak and write.  Yeah, I make tons of sense.  Hope you enjoyed this post. I think I did.  totally giggling.

Decisions

I'm not so great at making choices or decisions.  I tend to weigh things, think about them, think about the consequences, and then try not to think about what could or could not happen, how I would feel if that happened....  Yeah, I could keep going. That's one of the reasons why I like guys to plan the dates.  I can't make up my mind.

Of course this lovely characteristic carries over into most aspects of my life.  Great, right?  Just what I needed.

I don't understand how he does it; how he calms me, how he knows.  Am I that transparent, does he just understand me or both?  I feel so much better after speaking with him, but I can't always speak with him.

I have the opportunity to see him this week and I turned it down.  Don't ask me why.  I want to see him, but it hurts so much when he leaves and I have absolutely no clue when the next time will be.

Missing him hurts.  Hearing his voice takes the pain away.  The thing is... OH! I don't know what the thing is!!! I just know that this is 6 months too early, and I don't want to have to make any decisions!!
AND NO!! I am not stamping my feet.  Although, I feel very close to doing so.

not fair.  But who said life is fair, anyway.  I used to hear that all the time from my mom when I was a kid.  And I still don't like the feel or sound of it even when I hear my own voice saying it in my head.

I wish...  I wish I could write things and they could come true.  That would be the best magic power in the world.  Or maybe I wish I had more patience... Ummmm, I think that I should work on that rather than just wish for it. But I can do both.

I wish he were sitting right next to me reading a book, watching tv, on the computer, and I could look up from my writing and see his smile.

Sometimes

I get emotional.  Not all the time, but some of the time.  Let's just say that for the most part I'm aware of my emotions.  Every once in awhile they get the best of me... usually from triggers.  So that's what happened Friday.  I don't really remember everything I said and that let's you know just how emotional I was.  B said it was entertaining and interesting.  Ummmmm... yeah.

Well, I had made up my mind that I can't have a relationship with B until our lives are a little bit more settled, and then I spoke with him tonight.  I hadn't told him about the conclusion I came to, and now I don't want to.  

What's the deal with him????  He's kind, listens to me, tries to spend time with me.  Maybe the better question to ask is what's the deal with me????  But I already know that I need normalcy.

Yes, I get myself into difficult situations.  

How about this?  When we go out on a fun date when time is not a constraint then I'll chill.  Yes, I'm talking to myself, and yes, I know that sometimes it's difficult for me to chill about certain things especially relationships.  Sooooooo.... until that time, until my hand is in his or his arm is around my waist, and the thought of him leaving soon is not in the back of my head....

Yeah, what????  What until that time????  Do I say go away? Do I say let's put things on hold???

I'm not sure.  But what I am becoming more sure of is that I must take care of myself because there is no one else in this world who will.  Yes, I am extremely lucky to have very caring friends and relatives, but ultimately I am responsible.  

Maybe I just won't see him until we can have that no time constraint date?  But even saying goodnight is difficult.... is a struggle.... is another time constraint.  It's a Saturday night and I'm in (ok, I did have the opportunity to go out, but I wasn't feeling great).  Let's clarify.  It's a Saturday night and there was absolutely no chance of B taking me out.  And Sunday is the same.

Do I want to date other men?  No, I don't think so.  Although they want to do things with me.  Offers of going to shows, museums, sailing, movies, dinner, and even going away for the weekend.  

Maybe I should just date myself for awhile.  Do what I want to do.  Go where I want to go.  I like to share things with people but I can tell them about it later.  Tomorrow might be a good day to walk over the GW or go to the Met.  I'll write it about when I get home.  

Still Don't Know

I still don't know if I'll see him this week even after spending at least an hour on the phone with him.   I care about him, but I have to take care of myself. I just don't think I am.  We laugh, I cry, we laugh some more.  And we are still in this situation.  Limbo is just not good for me.

He received enough warnings today to frighten off at least 5 men.  I'm in the clear, but I would still like him to leave.  It would be so much easier for me if he just ghosted.  Yeah, right.  Who am I kidding?  If he left, I would need at least a goodbye.

We're friends and I hope we can always stay that way.  He's an amazing, wonderful man.  We are complete opposites and yet so much alike.  Just a little bonkers.  He's smart too, and asks good questions.  He's mentally challenging and somewhat self-aware.  All great qualities in a man. Totally cracking up right now.

So I'm exhausted and going to crash.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what next week brings.

Good Shabbos everyone!

Not Happy

I spent a little over 4 hours with him yesterday, and had a lovely time.  But I still don't know.  It's not that I don't care for him and about him tremendously... I think it's kinda obvious that I do.  It's not that we have nothing in common because even though we come from completely different backgrounds we get each other and enjoy a lot of the same things.

I feel safe with him.  I'm happy with him.  It's easy. We get along. We're goofy and laugh a lot.  He talks to me.  He's interested in what I think and do.  And yes, he knows me inside out... who I am, what I like, the way I think.

And here it comes.... the BUT.  Yeah, there's a big one here.  We don't get to see each other or speak to each other that often.  Distance and time constraints - work, school, family; those all seem to get in the way.

The worst thing is that I was taken out to dinner this week and he wasn't the one who took me.  An old friend who wants to be more than friends asked me out.  Yes, he knew I was with someone else, but that didn't stop him.  I went but on the condition that he understand it was a s friends, and nothing more.  AND I mean nothing more.

I had a great time.  It's been years since a man took me out to dinner, and it was fun.  It was a real date, and even though I went to lunch with (Man, I need another name for him... I know I said Mr. B or B, but that doesn't really fit or maybe it does. So let's going back to using that, I guess.) ... B we didn't really spend that much time talking.  I don't know how to explain it.

I want to show him my favorite Van Gogh at the Met, see a movie with him, go to a book store... whatever.  I want to go on a date, and it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I also don't know how  he feels unless I bring it up.  So what if he's a man!!! Ok, ok, fine I'll give you he's a man and the fact that he's not used to volunteering any info let alone his feelings.  So let's also give him the fact that he hasn't been in a relationship in years.

BUT it's not like I haven't said to him.... whatever.  This is not the best thing for me.  I care for him and about him so much, but I'm hurting.  I have put my life or different parts of my life on hold for many different reasons but mostly for relationships and I don't want to miss out on my life.  On the fun, and love, and sharing.

I don't like complaining and I feel I do that a lot about the relationship.  Not the best way to start one.  I also don't want to have to remind him ... Oh fudge! If he can remind me, then I can remind him.  I'm thinking as if he's someone else, but his behavior... Well, it's a mixture.

I want to share my life with my friends and the people I love and I want to be a part of their's as well.

Of course, I'm feeling all of these things, and now I found out he's been talking to a friend of him about me.  So it makes me feel that maybe I am a part of his life.

What the freak!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just want to cry, but I really don't want to cry.  I'm sick of ups and downs of waiting, of limbo... of not knowing.


 

Really?

Yes, I really am happy.  I had a great day today.  I was trying to figure something out this morning and started to get upset and feel unwanted and blame someone.  I stayed calm and realized it was my own fault so then I started to laugh.  So glad that I was able to quickly move past the not so great feelings or at least not let them overwhelm me.  It made everything easier.

Sorry for the interruption... not like you would know there was an interruption.  A neighbor came over.  I'm so lucky I have neighbors who are great friends and great friends who are classmates.  And I just started a new class tonight and made new friends.  Of course, this is all even better because of him.  Because I'm happy walking around thinking about him.

One of my friends at school asked me what was different and why I looked so good.  I could feel my smile grow even wider as I told her that I met someone.  I'm smiling right now for the same reason.

And my neighbor who just came over told me that she's so so so glad to see me relaxed and happy.  I am.  I feel... ummmmmm.  I feel content.  Even though I'm not going to be seeing him for 3 days, and I miss him sooooooooooo much,  I'm not sad or miserable.  Thinking about today and yesterday texting and talking with him and laughing with him.

Yeah, yeah, you're probably getting sick about hearing about him, but he makes me happy.

So the thing about today was that he got upset and jealous.  And I'm smiling about it.  Usually, ok, I'm always the one who gets emotional about something going on between us.  It was great to be on the other side. Not only that, it was also great to see him react without thinking and making a mistake.  One thing that I love and admire about him is that he stays calm.  He is calm, and that helps me.  We all know I'm Miss Reactionary.  It was just nice to be on the opposite side and be the one who was patient.  Meanwhile I couldn't stop laughing about it (on the inside, not too nice to crack up in his face when he's upset at me).  He was so cute upset.  Yes, he's a grown man, and acts like a man (which is quite lovely), but this was just too cute!

I don't think he will necessary love me describing him being upset like this, but he just was!  I wanted to jump through the phone and kiss him thoroughly for being so adorable.  I miss him.  These are the times I miss him.  Three days can't pass quickly enough for me.  I can't wait to be in his arms.  If that is all that could happen when I see him, I would still be content.

My eyes are closing, but I still have a smile on my face.  Just so... just so... simply and completely happy.  I'm a happy girl.

More Relaxed

I've written before that I get a high from talking with him and being with him, and after getting off the phone with him I still feel it.  The thing is that I've come down quicker and feel more relaxed inside, less wound up.

I almost told him today that I wasn't going to be able to do this anymore, and then I talked to him.  Ayuuup, he's a good talker, but that isn't what made me stay.  And I didn't stay because I said those three words to him.  Although, I wrote them to him immediately before we talked.  I guess I felt that I could finally say how I feel without having to worry if he would end up breaking my heart.  Yeah, so now I wrote it but am stuck with it out there because I didn't say goodbye.

I'm going to work on being more patient about a lot of things in this world including myself, and try to let go.

Anyway, he knew something was up, but he didn't know that I was going to say that.  We had a great talk.  Me cry/laughing or laugh/crying depending on the moment.  Yes, there were some times, ok ok,  but there were some times (here's the disclaimer for y'all) albeit only a few, that I was coherent.  I really like him.  He's insightful, understanding, smart and funny.  I want him for my friend.  He gets me and supports and encourages me.  It's weird getting this from a man.  Didn't get it from ex 1 or ex 2 even when asking for it.

I'm really blown away or confused or thinking about it too much.  There I go again... doing that thinking thing.  It's just that.... I don't know what it is..  I do know what it is!! Bonkers!!! This is a man who wants me, and who is willing, who is supportive of me trying to better myself as a person.  And understanding of the struggle to get there.  Whooooaaaaa!  That's weird.  I mean my friends do that, not people I date or flirt with.  It's kinda cool.

But this only emphasizes the fact that it's not just infatuation that I feel for him.  I respect him as a person and feel lucky to know him.  Fine!!! A freaking big part of it is infatuation, but it's softening or settling or something.  I hope that it continues and that we'll be able to spend more time together.  I want to know him as a person.  I want to do things with him.  We'll see if that happens.  I do know that if I don't get that chance then there's less of a chance for.... for I don't know and don't even ask me??!! OK!!!

Hope we get the chance to see.  This is not a rebound whatever.  And who said the freak said all that stuff about rebounds anyway.  Plus there are always exceptions to the rule!  Well, actually it wouldn't be a rule if there were an exception.  Just one time would disprove it.

I was just reading an article about that which said businesses and governments should not be so optimistic when thinking about the future even with the strong possibility that good things will happen.  They should see if there is anything that can disprove (my word) the possibility of something not so good happening and if there is, they should plan accordingly.  Reminded me of proofs for linear algebra or anything for that matter.

Now, I know why that resounded with me.  I'm an optimistic pessimist.  Hope for the best expect the worst.  Oh! but now I want to also be able to accept the outcome whatever it will be with more, no, with less reaction to it or even just to accept it.

That's enough feeling and thinking for today.  Have to run errands and get ready for class tomorrow.

How Does He Know?

I've never met someone who knew, who knows me like he does.  It's been close, but nothing like this. I know that sometimes I can be transparent, but to know what I'm thinking before I do; to answer my questions before I even realize I have them.

He mentioned tonight that today had been one full of ups and downs and I thought that he had definitely read my post just as it had been published.  But he hadn't.

He scares me and makes my heart soar.  I read and reread his texts, his letters, and I can hear his voice in his words.  How can this be possible?  How can he really know?

The first rule of fight club... but he's not in my imagination.  He's real.  He's a man.  He is understanding.  I don't get it.  After he gives me my dreams in his own words, I want to run.  I'm afraid.  But what am I afraid of.... that he's not the man I want?  I'm afraid of what? Of him leaving, of this all being a game, of me waking up?

I read those words again.  The words he gave me without me asking.  The words I never knew I wanted.  "I choose you." I'm shaking my head.  I want to relax in their meaning. I'm frightened that he means them.  I want everything they suggest.

And if I tell him everything I feel, he will explain to me that it's reasonable.  That everyone has baggage.  His patience is terrifying.  His existence is my world.  I can't believe I wrote that and want to take it back, but want it to stand on its own.  I hate him!  With everything I hate him, and he laughs about it.  He throws it back in my face.  He knows.  The name B doesn't fit him, but is written all over me for the same reason I gave him that letter.

My eyes are ready to close again.  I'm fighting it.  I'm fighting the fear.  The reality of dreams scare me and call me closer... to him.

I Figured It Out

I sure did.  Now I know why I choose relationships where I will always come second or last, and yet I  try desperately to prove that I am someone who is worth putting first.

I totally get it.  I love my parents, but I'm constantly proving myself to them.  They love me.  I know that, but they have the hardest time hearing me and understanding me.  As much as I will do anything for them, it is not the case or does not feel like it is that they will do the same.

My cousins, my other cousins, my nephew, my son, everyone comes first.  I don't even deserve a phone call.  I bend over backwards for both of them so that neither feels like the other has more time with me or DB when I'm in Kansas.  I call them to keep them posted of my life and especially of what is going on with DB.  I don't ask them for money.  I don't even ask them for moral support really any more.  Most certain don't ask that from my mom.  I don't know if it was the chemo or what, but she is different towards me.

So I am acting out my biggest desire.  To be loved and put first sometimes.  I try to prove myself all over again.  I'm just so dumb.  That's all I ever wanted growing up.  I remember everyone else came first.  No joke.  I wanted attention so desperately and I got it by disappearing in my books.  Living out adventures and being admired and loved.

I still want to run away.  But you can't run away from your problems or who you are or even who your family is.  I wish it were as easy as the tears that run down my cheeks right now magnifying the screen and now blurring it as I type.

I hope DB knows that I put him first.  That he is worth being loved and doesn't have to prove himself.

I just want to make it clear that I am not blaming my parents.  I just wish.  I just wish they could hear me without me having to raise my voice or cry.  Why can't they take me seriously when I'm trying to explain to them?  Why is it a fight?  Why does someone else have to explain it to them before they agree that I might be right?

Sad.  Tears rolling down my hot face.  It hurts.  My chest deep inside.

That was the only thing, the one thing I always and probably will always dream of... being loved.
I do have dreams of it.  Dreams where I wake up content, and then realize life just isn't that way.

I feel like it's always an act, it's always a test.  The funny thing is that I'm so good at taking tests.  Any kind of test - standardized, essays, multiple choice.  But I fail or set myself up to fail at this love test.  It's familiar.  I know how it will end, the lonely ache.

Blurry sad letters wanting smiles and clear skies.
wishes out of reach in summer winds chased
by children's shadows echoing cries in sunlight games
my eyes open misty grey
I don't need

I Should Know Better

It's true.  I should know better.  I just read the quotes I have posted on the side of the blog, and got a wake up call.  Every one of them speaks to me in different ways.  "We were together. I forget the rest."- Whitman

That is what I should remember.  Focusing on the best.   That is what I give to him.  When I give, I give myself.

Is It The Weather?

I'm not in the best spot right now.  Don't really know why so I guess I'll write it out and we'll all find out together.  It could be the weather.  I don't like grey.  I just really don't.  I need sunshine and smiles.  The weather impacts my mood dramatically.

It could also be that I'm not going to see him for at least another 13 days.  Yup - that might do it.  Even though, DB is home and my dad is up visiting I still feel lonely; for him.

Ugh!  This is so so so not good.  HA! What a great description of not wanting to do anything except crawl into bed and sleep away the next two weeks.  So ridiculous, right?  But this is a tough relationship. If it's even that!  Frustrated with only written words.  What to do?

There are others who would like to take his place, but I don't want them.  I don't even know if I want him right now or anyone.

Sitting in Barnes and Noble and reading Neruda love sonnets will kind of do me in.  I want someone to love freely and who will be able to love me.  So why why do I pick those who can't or don't want to?  What am I trying to prove?

Do I really even want someone at all?

Yeah, I know he reads my blog, and this post is not going to help matters. BUT this blog is for me.  I really feel like I'm in a state of flux.  I really want to pick a huge fight with everyone I see, especially him.  How funny.  I don't even get to see him.  Well, I'm finally going to give him a name because I need to call him something here aside from referencing him as him.  One thing popped into my head that rhymes with him but I don't like that.  I'm thinking of his different characteristics and possibly using them, but I don't want to.  I just want to pick a fight with him.  Yeah, I know I'm repeating myself.  Too bad.  Is it even possible to pick a fight with your own blog?????

Ok, ok, I made myself smile, but I don't want to.  I got it.  I'm going to call him, B; as in to be or not to be among other ways that this fits.  Does he truly exist in my world?  Does he want to?  NO! I'm not asking for answers from him.  I'm just trying to work this out myself.

I really shouldn't read poetry or extremely well written fiction on grey days.  It just brings me down.  Have you ever noticed that the classics and almost all award winning fiction is sad, melancholy, and  includes describing the worst of the human condition?  It's because everyone can relate to it.  But it makes me think too much, feel too much, and I already do that enough as it is.  Just ask anyone.  Hell, you don't even have to ask anyone or even have to look at another post.  This one presents the issue so clearly.

Thank G-d I'm not a drinker.  Although, if I were I might be a much better writer or poet.  Alcohol, drugs, those seem to help.  My poetry professor and I were talking, and he mentioned how almost every member of his writing group was on anti-depressants.  HA!  The two who weren't were alcoholics.

I miss school.  I miss thinking.  I'm afraid of the future.  I want to write.  I want someone to love who will love me.  Thinking too much, is not the best for me.  At least thinking too much without direction.  I need structure.  I actually want structure.  I want to write.

So stop whining and do it already.  Easy for you to say.

I still want to pick that fight.  It would be even better if it was a fist fight.  Not that I want to harm someone, but that this horrible energy needs somewhere to go.  NO! I don't want to go for a walk, or run.

I want him, and that's something that isn't going to happen.

More Flowers!!

Wow!!! I walk in the door, and go to the feed the cat.  The doorbell rings, and I think it's (what should I call her... the swinger - she just put up a swing to sit in on her front lawn) swinger.  BUT it's not.  It's flowers instead.... from him.... AGAIN.  The first time we met he brought me flowers and the ones today were because the divorce was finalized.  WOW!!  Even though I've told him how good getting the flowers made me feel, I just don't think he actually knows.

I feel that he cares. Duh CR!  No, but really.  I feel he cares because he knows I love flowers, he didn't have to send them, he didn't have to make sure they were my favorite color in the world, and he didn't have to keep it a secret from me especially when I was acting and writing to him that I didn't think he cared.

Yeah, the words to describe me aren't dumb and doofy.  They're stupid and very very lucky.

Can't write anymore because the keyboard is acting up and I need to figure out what the problem is.  But I had to get this down because of the way he makes me feel.  I'm going to close my eyes and fall asleep thinking of him, and how good it will feel to be in his arms tomorrow.

Soooo.....

What am I doing?  And why?  Some of these are the same issues that I have had before.  But I knew they were there this time.  Yeah, does that make it better, easier?  What do I really want?

I care for him.  That's a definite.  He's relaxed and calm.  He's fun. He makes me smile and there are a few other reasons that make spending time with him......  good, no, definitely better than good. Yeah, yeah, but it's me and if that wasn't there then I would be long gone and we all know that.

I miss him when I'm not with him.  And it's another difficult and complicated situation.  What issue am I trying to resolve by putting myself in these situations.  What am I trying to prove?

So today instead of writing here I wrote him texts.  Not a good idea.  And I should know better.  Pushing for a confrontation is not the best way to handle things.  

And I wasn't fighting fair either.  I was trying to hold it in check, but I said something or probably more than one that I shouldn't have.  I was just about to give excuses about why I did it, but really those are reason for the behavior and do not excuse the behavior.  

Hurting, went from feeling special to feeling ignored and not wanted.  I don't want to say goodbye, but I don't know how to handle this.   And I need so much reassurance because of the situation, and I don't think it's fair of me to ask it of him.  So I'm stuck, but I have the feeling that if I keep on behaving like this, it won't be for long.  I won't have to make a decision it will be made for me.  But I don't think that's what I want either.  No, I know it's not what I want.

Stuck, confused and hurting.

Can't Sleep Again

Surprise! Yeah, right.  CR can't sleep again.  That's really not a big surprise.  The surprise is... nope it's not a surprise... well, maybe it is... nope it's not.... yeah, I could keep going like this; playing ping pong in my own head but that doesn't explain anything or even help me process.

I'm seeing him tomorrow.  He hasn't even made it here and already I'm dreading saying good bye.  Ok, dreading isn't the right word - although, it does remind me of The Dread Pirate Roberts which in turn brings up the phrase, "As you wish."

Drop that train of thought CR.  It's not good to be going in that direction.  You don't know him.  You feel like you've known him your whole life.  He's fun.  How many times have I thought that or wrote it about him?  I need fun.  I need giggles and horrible jokes.  I want easiness and comfortable times, smiles when I hear his voice.

Then it kicks in.  Can't figure out how to write that sound in my head that introduces the thoughts.
The fears, THE FEAR.  Bonkers - I can hear FDR's voice crackling over the radio, "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself."  You're right, Mr. President.  But there is the fear of hurting again.  Although, really? No, really??? You would think I have that down pat.

I can't write everything I feel because he reads this, and would I write it even if he didn't?  Nope.  Because then it makes it real, and I'm trying to keep everything in dreamland.  He is after all a figment of my imagination.

You, sir.  Yes, you.  Have no clue.  Sure you think you do, after all you read this blog, you read the letters I write to you, but - oh forget it, you probably know what's going on with me better than I do.
Obnoxious!! Yeah, don't get to feeling to proud of that.  Why?  Because I've been known to trip myself up.  To make life more difficult.  I mean look who I care about right now.  Would you say that you are the best choice for me?  No, I mean the best choice for me to have a less complicated life.
You know what I mean.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow so that whatever this is can become more entangled in both our lives.

I miss you, and hate you.

Sharing

Sometimes I'm just not that good at it.  I am writing about someone in particular, and I was thinking about giving him a name.  But I don't want to.  I don't want to share him, and if I give him a name that I associate with him that's almost like giving a part of him away to other people.  Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense.  But this is my blog and I don't make sense so it's par for the course.

Just know that I have numerous names that I call him, and associations having to do with him.  All of them make me smile.

Happy Rain

It was pouring out, and he asked me to dance in the rain with him.  Is it even necessary to write how my heart skipped with those words?  Splashing in the puddles with this blue eyed man.  Even though he was miles away, I could see his wet shirt plastered to the chest I love to place my hands on, and that I love to rest my head.

His smile from the restaurant is stuck in my mind.  I don't think that I've ever really been able to picture someone's face so clearly except if they were a character from a book, then I have a very detailed picture of exactly what they look like.  He says that he's a figment of my imagination.  I just hope it's not true.

I don't want him in my imagination.  I want him in my life.

Tired

of trying, of putting up a good front, of laughter, of tears, of joy, or heartache.

Wishes for a mind reader
he never knows the faces of blank eyes
waiting for the future laid out
which step leads home.

When...

When your child is falling to pieces, when you are the only one he can talk to, when the man you want has no clue - not because he's oblivious, but because you have have no energy to go into detail to explain, and you just want life to be better for a minute or two....

When you are almost too tired for tears, and you can't cry anyway because it will scare your child or he will blame himself, when your life is changing around you, and goodbye is a new beginning.

The rain begins with
an opened window smelling  of wet ground
little drops hitting steel softly
swoosh of the street
clean and sparkling asphalt
bring calm on the surface
or underneath  or wherever there is room between
the hurt, the cries, the promises and
emptiness.

the whirlpool of spring sweetens the pain
to unbearable and eyes close with the hope of staying shut

So Much Going On

Too much, almost.  Actually, it is just about too much, but I can handle it just going to take a lot out of me.  I'm overwhelmed with emotion.  A bunch of different emotions about a bunch of different things and everything is all jumbled together.  I'm going to try and straighten it out here.  It will help be deal.  

Yeah, so, the divorce.  Glad it's going to be over, although I won't have a penny to show for it.  In fact, I'm going to end up owing my attorney money. HA! Those days never seem to end.  Well, he'll never see that money.  Just like two other attorneys didn't.  Maybe that's why they charge so much or maybe that's why people don't pay all that they owe because they charge too much.  WHO CARES??

Anyway, I go in tomorrow morning to sign divorce settlement papers.  So why am I sad again?  I want it over.  I don't want any more to do with him.  Most certainly don't need him.  Maybe because once again I failed.  OMG!! Please CR, get it together.  (Yes, I'm talking to myself, and lucky you get to listen in.)  Just because he didn't realize your worth doesn't mean you're worthless.  Just because other people might not realize your worth doesn't mean you're worthless.  You are not worthless!!!

I am worth it.  I am worth hard work, and tears.  The support and friendship I have to give make the ones I love smile.  Not only am I worth it.  I can do anything.  Yeah, stop the negative self-talk that's just trying to open the door in the back of your head.  I can do anything.  FREAK!  How many people do I know that can go back to school at my age and take linear FUCKING algebra?????  It doesn't matter if learning comes naturally.  I can still do it.  I still CHOOSE to do it.  To make my life better.  To have my own life.

I will get there. I can get there.  I am going to be grinning when I get there.  I'm going to show DB not to give up.  He's got a long haul ahead of him whether it's animation, artist, or a combination of the two.  He's going to get cut down numerous times and I've got to show him that you just keep on going.  Because kids do what you do not what you say.  Because he needs to know his mom is strong and he can be strong too.  So he can see me believe in myself and learn to do the same for himself.

What I wouldn't do for him.  But this really need to be for me and I hope, NO, I know I'm ready.  It doesn't matter if it's scary or if I have tears in my eyes.  I mean - that's how I first stepped onto the campus of the school that I am now a graduate of.  I'm just going to keep on moving, and try my damnedest not to let any thinking get in the way.  Just have to quiet my head and move my feet.

Calm vs. High

I get high when I hear his voice.  A smile appears on my face and my toes tingle.  I can see his answering smile in his words.  Then comes the good-bye.  Most of the time it's a little abrupt, although he is getting better at giving me some warning.  The thing is... he's got the control.  Nope, the real thing is... no, yeah, part of it is that he's the one with the control.  The other part are the ups and downs.

I crave boredom, normalcy, routines, traditions.  I want the expected to happen.  Maybe that's why I've been turning to math more and more.  There is only one right answer; not a mixture of answers or a choice of which one is best when they aren't even comparable.

It's not who I am.  I know I'm the spontaneous, say whatever is in my head, do what I feel type of person, but it's what I need.  Stability.  Boredom.  Control.

Too funny that I want control and yet want to give up control.  That I get high from the unexpected, but want routines.  I'm a contradiction and yet....

I just don't know.  I want to know.  That's one of the strongest desires that propels me.  The need to know... about how things work, why things occur, and what he is feeling, doing, thinking.

Aaaaah! Just got a smack upside the head.  Then I know what to expect, no eggshells, no questions, no fear.  If only the world worked like that.

I was writing a text that said please don't contact me again, and decided to write my feelings out here instead.  It helps.  I do process better when I write, plus it kind of takes me outside of my emotions and lets me think instead of just feel.

The thing is that the thinking and feeling are running along the same lines right now.  No contact.

No contact = sameness, stability and knowing what to expect.  It means not having to depend on someone.  I don't want to care about someone.  I don't want the hurt anymore.  I'll take blandness and grey anytime.

And yeah, we all know that isn't true.  I live for a world of color, experience, exploration and knowledge.  How can the two ever combine?  I don't think they can.  But then that's the all or nothing mode, and life doesn't work like that either.  I don't know how to combine them.

I'm scared.  I'm scared of so much.  I can do it.  I know.  I know I can do just about anything I set my mind to.  I'm a survivor, but even better I have the ability to create a new life for myself.  It would probably just be easier to be on the manned mission to Mars then to start again.

I want surety, no complications, constant sunny days.  How funny!! On my paper and presentation about Dostoevsky and Malamud my professor interrupted me and questioned me if life would be better without suffering.  HA! Guess what I answered.  "No, it wouldn't be."  It serves as a touchpoint, as a realization of what can be... that there is better in the world.

So right now, I'm laughing at myself with tears in my eyes.  What do I do? What should I do?

I think I'll be questioning everything for the rest of my life, but isn't that what makes the world a more fascinating place?

Perchance to dream

Listening to Van Morrison and relaxing on the sofa in my bright living room.  Dreaming, thinking, wishing, for a different life.  But is that what I really want?  Believe it or not, I'm happy - with who I am, with my life, my friends.  I get scared.  Alright, I get petrified... not able to move stuck in my shoes petrified.  But as someone said to me tonight, "If we're not a little scared, we are not living just existing."  He's right which just makes it more frustrating.

It's quiet here.  No cars splashing down the street.  No children's voices floating in through the windows.  Almost like it's snowing and there's a blanket covering the world with white softness that muffles all the shouting fears in my head and heart.  It's comforting and relaxing while I drift and dream of the quiet surety in his words.  Neil Young is singing about the damage done and I know I fit into his world.

I sent him a song in a language he doesn't understand.  Easier that way.  How can someone be so sure?

I'm tired and ready to fall asleep reading his words and The Band telling me to hand my troubles over.

So Many Things To Do

So so many.  I have a party coming up Thursday night, and I have to get ready.  Except how do you get ready for a party?  Yes, I'm an adult.  Yes, I have hosted more than 12 people at a time for holiday meals, but this is different.  Yes, it is different than having 15 screaming little boys running around an apartment for a five-year-old's birthday party.

This party involves adults... liquor... party food.  I've never done this before.  I'm kind of nervous about whether people will attend.  Yeah, ok, I know, I invited 80 people so at least someone will show.  But who? How many?  How do I know what to get?  Some people have offered to bring stuff which is great, but what are they bringing?  YES!! I've learned my lesson.  Ask people to rsvp.  Ask them to let you know what they will be bringing.  But I can't really do that at this point.

I have asked people to let me know if they are coming and 5 of them have.  BUT I have heard at least 4 other people talk about coming.  So there we have nine. Oh! Plus the person I'm picking up.  Wait - I forgot about four more  - No, six more.  So that gives me 16.

Tomorrow morning I run out and buy booze, and start setting up because of course, I scheduled a doctor's appt. the afternoon before the party.  Maybe that will help prevent me from freaking or maybe it will just cause me to be more nervous.  Geez - I just don't know.

Anyway, in case you couldn't tell, I'm happy.  Saw friends today, and worked on linear algebra.  Got things accomplished at the dentist, with the car.  Still have so much more to do.  And this man I'm seeing - yeah, only saw him once... He listens to me.  I guess through dating and marrying different people it's nice to recognize qualities that I really want to see in a man.  He really gets what I'm saying and tries to give me what I need/want.  Absolutely lovely.  Don't know if he'll read this.  I think he's too busy.  He's read a lot of the blog, and I don't think he'll come back.

I like him. I like him enough to tell other people who are interested in me that I'm seeing someone.  But I don't even know if that's what we're doing.  I don't know what we are, but it's cool.  One thing at a time.  There's no rush.  OH!!!! I'm getting my get and civil divorce on June 16th!!!!! WOO HOO!!

It's great, and it's a shame.  Wonderful that I won't have to worry about it, but sad that it couldn't have worked out.  I hope he has a good life.  I intend to and be happy doing it.

I take that back

Uh huh.  I do.  I take back my previous post.  But boy did it help writing it.  Man, have I missed this blog.  I don't need anyone.  I can take care of myself and db.  Sure it would be nice to have someone to share things with, but (excuse me here - profanity is def needed) FUCK IT!!!

I don't have to be lonely or alone.  I don't have to be sad.  I don't have to make myself worse off by listening to Carole King while putting away children's books that remind me of db's childhood.  OH MY GOD!! Sorry about the yelling, but could I get more maudlin.  Really? No, really????

What the freak is wrong with me?  One horrible day for db, missing friends and who the hell knows what kind of relationship I'm in and I fall to pieces?  This is just ridiculous.  So, things are fine.  Yes, I'm bonkers.  But what does that say about you??? Huh? Aren't you reading this crazy lady's blog???

Have a good night! I plan on it, and having a good day tomorrow and the day after etc....

So, yeah

I'm at it again.  Writing and dating.  Why you ask?  Yeah, been asking myself the same question.  The writing is obvious. It helps. It helps me process feelings and thoughts.  Helps me make decisions.  Also helps me feel less stupid even when I know just how non-thinking and idiotic I've been.  Once again not thinking with my head.  How and why do I keep doing this?  You all know the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing expecting something different to happen.

I do.  I want that warm feeling that starts in my chest and radiates outward through the rest of my body.  I want hugs and love.  Just don't think it's really meant to happen for me.  That's sad.  Yup, it is.  It's heartbreakingly sad and makes me want to cry.  Not the tears that are dripping silently down my face right now, but the sobs of loss, of never to be love, of an empty heart and home and lonely soul.

Maybe I'll get better at writing, maybe I'll throw myself into work.  Friends alone can't fill this up, and even though I know that I am fine by myself, I want more.

I'm probably tired and the fact that db is having such a difficult time definitely affects me.  So just ignore this post as rambling or not - these thoughts are usually there in the back of my mind holding on and hiding deep inside the hole in my chest.  and no I'm not pmsing.