Friday, June 19, 2015

Can't Sleep Again

Surprise! Yeah, right.  CR can't sleep again.  That's really not a big surprise.  The surprise is... nope it's not a surprise... well, maybe it is... nope it's not.... yeah, I could keep going like this; playing ping pong in my own head but that doesn't explain anything or even help me process.

I'm seeing him tomorrow.  He hasn't even made it here and already I'm dreading saying good bye.  Ok, dreading isn't the right word - although, it does remind me of The Dread Pirate Roberts which in turn brings up the phrase, "As you wish."

Drop that train of thought CR.  It's not good to be going in that direction.  You don't know him.  You feel like you've known him your whole life.  He's fun.  How many times have I thought that or wrote it about him?  I need fun.  I need giggles and horrible jokes.  I want easiness and comfortable times, smiles when I hear his voice.

Then it kicks in.  Can't figure out how to write that sound in my head that introduces the thoughts.
The fears, THE FEAR.  Bonkers - I can hear FDR's voice crackling over the radio, "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself."  You're right, Mr. President.  But there is the fear of hurting again.  Although, really? No, really??? You would think I have that down pat.

I can't write everything I feel because he reads this, and would I write it even if he didn't?  Nope.  Because then it makes it real, and I'm trying to keep everything in dreamland.  He is after all a figment of my imagination.

You, sir.  Yes, you.  Have no clue.  Sure you think you do, after all you read this blog, you read the letters I write to you, but - oh forget it, you probably know what's going on with me better than I do.
Obnoxious!! Yeah, don't get to feeling to proud of that.  Why?  Because I've been known to trip myself up.  To make life more difficult.  I mean look who I care about right now.  Would you say that you are the best choice for me?  No, I mean the best choice for me to have a less complicated life.
You know what I mean.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow so that whatever this is can become more entangled in both our lives.

I miss you, and hate you.

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