Sunday, June 28, 2015

Is It The Weather?

I'm not in the best spot right now.  Don't really know why so I guess I'll write it out and we'll all find out together.  It could be the weather.  I don't like grey.  I just really don't.  I need sunshine and smiles.  The weather impacts my mood dramatically.

It could also be that I'm not going to see him for at least another 13 days.  Yup - that might do it.  Even though, DB is home and my dad is up visiting I still feel lonely; for him.

Ugh!  This is so so so not good.  HA! What a great description of not wanting to do anything except crawl into bed and sleep away the next two weeks.  So ridiculous, right?  But this is a tough relationship. If it's even that!  Frustrated with only written words.  What to do?

There are others who would like to take his place, but I don't want them.  I don't even know if I want him right now or anyone.

Sitting in Barnes and Noble and reading Neruda love sonnets will kind of do me in.  I want someone to love freely and who will be able to love me.  So why why do I pick those who can't or don't want to?  What am I trying to prove?

Do I really even want someone at all?

Yeah, I know he reads my blog, and this post is not going to help matters. BUT this blog is for me.  I really feel like I'm in a state of flux.  I really want to pick a huge fight with everyone I see, especially him.  How funny.  I don't even get to see him.  Well, I'm finally going to give him a name because I need to call him something here aside from referencing him as him.  One thing popped into my head that rhymes with him but I don't like that.  I'm thinking of his different characteristics and possibly using them, but I don't want to.  I just want to pick a fight with him.  Yeah, I know I'm repeating myself.  Too bad.  Is it even possible to pick a fight with your own blog?????

Ok, ok, I made myself smile, but I don't want to.  I got it.  I'm going to call him, B; as in to be or not to be among other ways that this fits.  Does he truly exist in my world?  Does he want to?  NO! I'm not asking for answers from him.  I'm just trying to work this out myself.

I really shouldn't read poetry or extremely well written fiction on grey days.  It just brings me down.  Have you ever noticed that the classics and almost all award winning fiction is sad, melancholy, and  includes describing the worst of the human condition?  It's because everyone can relate to it.  But it makes me think too much, feel too much, and I already do that enough as it is.  Just ask anyone.  Hell, you don't even have to ask anyone or even have to look at another post.  This one presents the issue so clearly.

Thank G-d I'm not a drinker.  Although, if I were I might be a much better writer or poet.  Alcohol, drugs, those seem to help.  My poetry professor and I were talking, and he mentioned how almost every member of his writing group was on anti-depressants.  HA!  The two who weren't were alcoholics.

I miss school.  I miss thinking.  I'm afraid of the future.  I want to write.  I want someone to love who will love me.  Thinking too much, is not the best for me.  At least thinking too much without direction.  I need structure.  I actually want structure.  I want to write.

So stop whining and do it already.  Easy for you to say.

I still want to pick that fight.  It would be even better if it was a fist fight.  Not that I want to harm someone, but that this horrible energy needs somewhere to go.  NO! I don't want to go for a walk, or run.

I want him, and that's something that isn't going to happen.

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