Thursday, June 11, 2015

So Much Going On

Too much, almost.  Actually, it is just about too much, but I can handle it just going to take a lot out of me.  I'm overwhelmed with emotion.  A bunch of different emotions about a bunch of different things and everything is all jumbled together.  I'm going to try and straighten it out here.  It will help be deal.  

Yeah, so, the divorce.  Glad it's going to be over, although I won't have a penny to show for it.  In fact, I'm going to end up owing my attorney money. HA! Those days never seem to end.  Well, he'll never see that money.  Just like two other attorneys didn't.  Maybe that's why they charge so much or maybe that's why people don't pay all that they owe because they charge too much.  WHO CARES??

Anyway, I go in tomorrow morning to sign divorce settlement papers.  So why am I sad again?  I want it over.  I don't want any more to do with him.  Most certainly don't need him.  Maybe because once again I failed.  OMG!! Please CR, get it together.  (Yes, I'm talking to myself, and lucky you get to listen in.)  Just because he didn't realize your worth doesn't mean you're worthless.  Just because other people might not realize your worth doesn't mean you're worthless.  You are not worthless!!!

I am worth it.  I am worth hard work, and tears.  The support and friendship I have to give make the ones I love smile.  Not only am I worth it.  I can do anything.  Yeah, stop the negative self-talk that's just trying to open the door in the back of your head.  I can do anything.  FREAK!  How many people do I know that can go back to school at my age and take linear FUCKING algebra?????  It doesn't matter if learning comes naturally.  I can still do it.  I still CHOOSE to do it.  To make my life better.  To have my own life.

I will get there. I can get there.  I am going to be grinning when I get there.  I'm going to show DB not to give up.  He's got a long haul ahead of him whether it's animation, artist, or a combination of the two.  He's going to get cut down numerous times and I've got to show him that you just keep on going.  Because kids do what you do not what you say.  Because he needs to know his mom is strong and he can be strong too.  So he can see me believe in myself and learn to do the same for himself.

What I wouldn't do for him.  But this really need to be for me and I hope, NO, I know I'm ready.  It doesn't matter if it's scary or if I have tears in my eyes.  I mean - that's how I first stepped onto the campus of the school that I am now a graduate of.  I'm just going to keep on moving, and try my damnedest not to let any thinking get in the way.  Just have to quiet my head and move my feet.

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