Monday, June 29, 2015

I Figured It Out

I sure did.  Now I know why I choose relationships where I will always come second or last, and yet I  try desperately to prove that I am someone who is worth putting first.

I totally get it.  I love my parents, but I'm constantly proving myself to them.  They love me.  I know that, but they have the hardest time hearing me and understanding me.  As much as I will do anything for them, it is not the case or does not feel like it is that they will do the same.

My cousins, my other cousins, my nephew, my son, everyone comes first.  I don't even deserve a phone call.  I bend over backwards for both of them so that neither feels like the other has more time with me or DB when I'm in Kansas.  I call them to keep them posted of my life and especially of what is going on with DB.  I don't ask them for money.  I don't even ask them for moral support really any more.  Most certain don't ask that from my mom.  I don't know if it was the chemo or what, but she is different towards me.

So I am acting out my biggest desire.  To be loved and put first sometimes.  I try to prove myself all over again.  I'm just so dumb.  That's all I ever wanted growing up.  I remember everyone else came first.  No joke.  I wanted attention so desperately and I got it by disappearing in my books.  Living out adventures and being admired and loved.

I still want to run away.  But you can't run away from your problems or who you are or even who your family is.  I wish it were as easy as the tears that run down my cheeks right now magnifying the screen and now blurring it as I type.

I hope DB knows that I put him first.  That he is worth being loved and doesn't have to prove himself.

I just want to make it clear that I am not blaming my parents.  I just wish.  I just wish they could hear me without me having to raise my voice or cry.  Why can't they take me seriously when I'm trying to explain to them?  Why is it a fight?  Why does someone else have to explain it to them before they agree that I might be right?

Sad.  Tears rolling down my hot face.  It hurts.  My chest deep inside.

That was the only thing, the one thing I always and probably will always dream of... being loved.
I do have dreams of it.  Dreams where I wake up content, and then realize life just isn't that way.

I feel like it's always an act, it's always a test.  The funny thing is that I'm so good at taking tests.  Any kind of test - standardized, essays, multiple choice.  But I fail or set myself up to fail at this love test.  It's familiar.  I know how it will end, the lonely ache.

Blurry sad letters wanting smiles and clear skies.
wishes out of reach in summer winds chased
by children's shadows echoing cries in sunlight games
my eyes open misty grey
I don't need

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