Tuesday, June 30, 2015

How Does He Know?

I've never met someone who knew, who knows me like he does.  It's been close, but nothing like this. I know that sometimes I can be transparent, but to know what I'm thinking before I do; to answer my questions before I even realize I have them.

He mentioned tonight that today had been one full of ups and downs and I thought that he had definitely read my post just as it had been published.  But he hadn't.

He scares me and makes my heart soar.  I read and reread his texts, his letters, and I can hear his voice in his words.  How can this be possible?  How can he really know?

The first rule of fight club... but he's not in my imagination.  He's real.  He's a man.  He is understanding.  I don't get it.  After he gives me my dreams in his own words, I want to run.  I'm afraid.  But what am I afraid of.... that he's not the man I want?  I'm afraid of what? Of him leaving, of this all being a game, of me waking up?

I read those words again.  The words he gave me without me asking.  The words I never knew I wanted.  "I choose you." I'm shaking my head.  I want to relax in their meaning. I'm frightened that he means them.  I want everything they suggest.

And if I tell him everything I feel, he will explain to me that it's reasonable.  That everyone has baggage.  His patience is terrifying.  His existence is my world.  I can't believe I wrote that and want to take it back, but want it to stand on its own.  I hate him!  With everything I hate him, and he laughs about it.  He throws it back in my face.  He knows.  The name B doesn't fit him, but is written all over me for the same reason I gave him that letter.

My eyes are ready to close again.  I'm fighting it.  I'm fighting the fear.  The reality of dreams scare me and call me closer... to him.

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