Sunday, June 21, 2015


What am I doing?  And why?  Some of these are the same issues that I have had before.  But I knew they were there this time.  Yeah, does that make it better, easier?  What do I really want?

I care for him.  That's a definite.  He's relaxed and calm.  He's fun. He makes me smile and there are a few other reasons that make spending time with him......  good, no, definitely better than good. Yeah, yeah, but it's me and if that wasn't there then I would be long gone and we all know that.

I miss him when I'm not with him.  And it's another difficult and complicated situation.  What issue am I trying to resolve by putting myself in these situations.  What am I trying to prove?

So today instead of writing here I wrote him texts.  Not a good idea.  And I should know better.  Pushing for a confrontation is not the best way to handle things.  

And I wasn't fighting fair either.  I was trying to hold it in check, but I said something or probably more than one that I shouldn't have.  I was just about to give excuses about why I did it, but really those are reason for the behavior and do not excuse the behavior.  

Hurting, went from feeling special to feeling ignored and not wanted.  I don't want to say goodbye, but I don't know how to handle this.   And I need so much reassurance because of the situation, and I don't think it's fair of me to ask it of him.  So I'm stuck, but I have the feeling that if I keep on behaving like this, it won't be for long.  I won't have to make a decision it will be made for me.  But I don't think that's what I want either.  No, I know it's not what I want.

Stuck, confused and hurting.

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