Sunday, June 7, 2015

Calm vs. High

I get high when I hear his voice.  A smile appears on my face and my toes tingle.  I can see his answering smile in his words.  Then comes the good-bye.  Most of the time it's a little abrupt, although he is getting better at giving me some warning.  The thing is... he's got the control.  Nope, the real thing is... no, yeah, part of it is that he's the one with the control.  The other part are the ups and downs.

I crave boredom, normalcy, routines, traditions.  I want the expected to happen.  Maybe that's why I've been turning to math more and more.  There is only one right answer; not a mixture of answers or a choice of which one is best when they aren't even comparable.

It's not who I am.  I know I'm the spontaneous, say whatever is in my head, do what I feel type of person, but it's what I need.  Stability.  Boredom.  Control.

Too funny that I want control and yet want to give up control.  That I get high from the unexpected, but want routines.  I'm a contradiction and yet....

I just don't know.  I want to know.  That's one of the strongest desires that propels me.  The need to know... about how things work, why things occur, and what he is feeling, doing, thinking.

Aaaaah! Just got a smack upside the head.  Then I know what to expect, no eggshells, no questions, no fear.  If only the world worked like that.

I was writing a text that said please don't contact me again, and decided to write my feelings out here instead.  It helps.  I do process better when I write, plus it kind of takes me outside of my emotions and lets me think instead of just feel.

The thing is that the thinking and feeling are running along the same lines right now.  No contact.

No contact = sameness, stability and knowing what to expect.  It means not having to depend on someone.  I don't want to care about someone.  I don't want the hurt anymore.  I'll take blandness and grey anytime.

And yeah, we all know that isn't true.  I live for a world of color, experience, exploration and knowledge.  How can the two ever combine?  I don't think they can.  But then that's the all or nothing mode, and life doesn't work like that either.  I don't know how to combine them.

I'm scared.  I'm scared of so much.  I can do it.  I know.  I know I can do just about anything I set my mind to.  I'm a survivor, but even better I have the ability to create a new life for myself.  It would probably just be easier to be on the manned mission to Mars then to start again.

I want surety, no complications, constant sunny days.  How funny!! On my paper and presentation about Dostoevsky and Malamud my professor interrupted me and questioned me if life would be better without suffering.  HA! Guess what I answered.  "No, it wouldn't be."  It serves as a touchpoint, as a realization of what can be... that there is better in the world.

So right now, I'm laughing at myself with tears in my eyes.  What do I do? What should I do?

I think I'll be questioning everything for the rest of my life, but isn't that what makes the world a more fascinating place?

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