So, yeah

I'm at it again.  Writing and dating.  Why you ask?  Yeah, been asking myself the same question.  The writing is obvious. It helps. It helps me process feelings and thoughts.  Helps me make decisions.  Also helps me feel less stupid even when I know just how non-thinking and idiotic I've been.  Once again not thinking with my head.  How and why do I keep doing this?  You all know the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing expecting something different to happen.

I do.  I want that warm feeling that starts in my chest and radiates outward through the rest of my body.  I want hugs and love.  Just don't think it's really meant to happen for me.  That's sad.  Yup, it is.  It's heartbreakingly sad and makes me want to cry.  Not the tears that are dripping silently down my face right now, but the sobs of loss, of never to be love, of an empty heart and home and lonely soul.

Maybe I'll get better at writing, maybe I'll throw myself into work.  Friends alone can't fill this up, and even though I know that I am fine by myself, I want more.

I'm probably tired and the fact that db is having such a difficult time definitely affects me.  So just ignore this post as rambling or not - these thoughts are usually there in the back of my mind holding on and hiding deep inside the hole in my chest.  and no I'm not pmsing.