Saturday, July 11, 2015


I get emotional.  Not all the time, but some of the time.  Let's just say that for the most part I'm aware of my emotions.  Every once in awhile they get the best of me... usually from triggers.  So that's what happened Friday.  I don't really remember everything I said and that let's you know just how emotional I was.  B said it was entertaining and interesting.  Ummmmm... yeah.

Well, I had made up my mind that I can't have a relationship with B until our lives are a little bit more settled, and then I spoke with him tonight.  I hadn't told him about the conclusion I came to, and now I don't want to.  

What's the deal with him????  He's kind, listens to me, tries to spend time with me.  Maybe the better question to ask is what's the deal with me????  But I already know that I need normalcy.

Yes, I get myself into difficult situations.  

How about this?  When we go out on a fun date when time is not a constraint then I'll chill.  Yes, I'm talking to myself, and yes, I know that sometimes it's difficult for me to chill about certain things especially relationships.  Sooooooo.... until that time, until my hand is in his or his arm is around my waist, and the thought of him leaving soon is not in the back of my head....
Yeah, what????  What until that time????  Do I say go away? Do I say let's put things on hold???

I'm not sure.  But what I am becoming more sure of is that I must take care of myself because there is no one else in this world who will.  Yes, I am extremely lucky to have very caring friends and relatives, but ultimately I am responsible.  

Maybe I just won't see him until we can have that no time constraint date?  But even saying goodnight is difficult.... is a struggle.... is another time constraint.  It's a Saturday night and I'm in (ok, I did have the opportunity to go out, but I wasn't feeling great).  Let's clarify.  It's a Saturday night and there was absolutely no chance of B taking me out.  And Sunday is the same.

Do I want to date other men?  No, I don't think so.  Although they want to do things with me.  Offers of going to shows, museums, sailing, movies, dinner, and even going away for the weekend.  

Maybe I should just date myself for awhile.  Do what I want to do.  Go where I want to go.  I like to share things with people but I can tell them about it later.  Tomorrow might be a good day to walk over the GW or go to the Met.  I'll write it about when I get home.  

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