Not Happy

I spent a little over 4 hours with him yesterday, and had a lovely time.  But I still don't know.  It's not that I don't care for him and about him tremendously... I think it's kinda obvious that I do.  It's not that we have nothing in common because even though we come from completely different backgrounds we get each other and enjoy a lot of the same things.

I feel safe with him.  I'm happy with him.  It's easy. We get along. We're goofy and laugh a lot.  He talks to me.  He's interested in what I think and do.  And yes, he knows me inside out... who I am, what I like, the way I think.

And here it comes.... the BUT.  Yeah, there's a big one here.  We don't get to see each other or speak to each other that often.  Distance and time constraints - work, school, family; those all seem to get in the way.

The worst thing is that I was taken out to dinner this week and he wasn't the one who took me.  An old friend who wants to be more than friends asked me out.  Yes, he knew I was with someone else, but that didn't stop him.  I went but on the condition that he understand it was a s friends, and nothing more.  AND I mean nothing more.

I had a great time.  It's been years since a man took me out to dinner, and it was fun.  It was a real date, and even though I went to lunch with (Man, I need another name for him... I know I said Mr. B or B, but that doesn't really fit or maybe it does. So let's going back to using that, I guess.) ... B we didn't really spend that much time talking.  I don't know how to explain it.

I want to show him my favorite Van Gogh at the Met, see a movie with him, go to a book store... whatever.  I want to go on a date, and it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I also don't know how  he feels unless I bring it up.  So what if he's a man!!! Ok, ok, fine I'll give you he's a man and the fact that he's not used to volunteering any info let alone his feelings.  So let's also give him the fact that he hasn't been in a relationship in years.

BUT it's not like I haven't said to him.... whatever.  This is not the best thing for me.  I care for him and about him so much, but I'm hurting.  I have put my life or different parts of my life on hold for many different reasons but mostly for relationships and I don't want to miss out on my life.  On the fun, and love, and sharing.

I don't like complaining and I feel I do that a lot about the relationship.  Not the best way to start one.  I also don't want to have to remind him ... Oh fudge! If he can remind me, then I can remind him.  I'm thinking as if he's someone else, but his behavior... Well, it's a mixture.

I want to share my life with my friends and the people I love and I want to be a part of their's as well.

Of course, I'm feeling all of these things, and now I found out he's been talking to a friend of him about me.  So it makes me feel that maybe I am a part of his life.

What the freak!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just want to cry, but I really don't want to cry.  I'm sick of ups and downs of waiting, of limbo... of not knowing.