Everything That Goes Up

I can't wait to see him.  I'm so happy and excited.  Well, how could I not be.  Really!!!! There's so much I want to do with him - get your minds out of the gutter.... or don't ;) .  No really, I want to experience the world with him.  I want him to meet my friends and family, and see just how bonkers I am on a regular basis.  Yes, he knows me.  Yes, he knows me inside out.  Yes, he knows me better than I know myself (sometimes).  BUT he doesn't know what it's like to be around me.  He might hate it.  He has told me I'm intense.  Maybe too intense sometimes and yes, I know I get that way.  Sometimes I'm too intense even for me.  Really!!!

But I just want to be normal with him.  Yeah, yeah, stop laughing already... he knows, I know, you know and just about the whole world knows that I'm not normal.  But you know what I mean.  Anyway, I asked him what he would like to do, and he blew me away.  The simple things, the fun things, the things I love to do and just want someone to share them with; those were what he said.

The first thing he mentioned was to go for a walk.

Then came dinner, chasing pigeons, getting caught in the rain, standing under a tree in the rain, kissing in a doorway, kissing in the back of a taxi.  He slays me.  He destroys every wall,  or jumps right over them as if they are not even there.  He slices through the protective layers, rips them to shreds, and I have nothing left to cover myself.  And he doesn't even know the effect he has on me... what his words mean to me.

I only hope he's real, and this is not a game of some kind.

So that was what I wrote before 9 p.m. and then reality hits.

It's not going to happen.  None of it will.  I know.  Yeah, I really do know.  For one thing, and for some reason, I have not been blessed with an easy life, and he would make my life wonderful.  I was thinking of what he said to me Wednesday.  Tears were in my eyes several times during that conversation, and it wasn't that he was mean, obnoxious or hurtful in any way.  Just the opposite.  He was understanding, supportive and I don't even have the other words to describe the amazing things he said to me that not even my family has ever told me.

The funniest thing is that I took myself off the dating sites.  I even mentioned him to my mom again.  Not only that I mentioned him in passing to DB.

I wish he would just go away already.  Yes, I do!! That way I won't get too comfortable with being told nice things or treated in a nice way, and that way the feelings won't grow stronger roots because of his words and smiles.

The holidays, my birthday, his birthday and more holidays will be spent apart.

Make it go away.

I know what I sound like.  And I'm not pathetic!!! I'm tired and realistic about my life.

I want to know why Hashem would put someone like him so near but out of reach.

And yes, I love him.

He who learns must suffer,

And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget,

Falls drop by drop upon the heart,

And in our own despite, against our will,

Comes wisdom to us by the awful face of G-d.  (Aeschylus, Agamemnon)