Things do seem clearer in the morning. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe because your brain has time to process whatever it is you've been thinking about. Studies have been done (I don't remember by whom and I'm not going to quote them) that if you sleep (even a short nap) after you've learned something new you retain the information better than if you had not slept. The information moves from short term memory to long term memory.
I think my brain (and feelings?) needed time to process the fact that there is no way MN is moving and that I don't want to get hurt again. It's just not worth it. BUT I already told him I would go out on a date with him. So I'm thinking about telling him that I'm only going to go out on this one date with him and that's it or he can choose not to go out at all. I don't want him to have to spend his money on me if he doesn't have to.
Just learned another lesson from Bud. This one wasn't that hard and didn't hurt like the last one. We spoke last night about getting messages from people at Frumster. He didn't sound too enthused whereas I get very excited. It's not that he's not interested. It's just that after going through this for a year (or two?) Bud said that he's learned not to get too excited at the beginning. My excitement from getting mail from someone at Frumster is toned down now a little because I really thought about what he said and took it to heart.
Having Bud for a friend is almost like having an older brother... he doesn't tell me what to do (don't ever TELL me what to do) instead he explains his reasoning and talks about his experiences. My younger brother sometimes acts that way, but he met his wife on a shidduch date and doesn't have the experience Bud does. And since I'm the oldest I've always taken care of my brother and everyone else... it's just who I am. But now I have someone (not including parents, of course) looking out for me. I want to call Bud, BBB, Big Brother Bud, but I don't think he'd really appreciate it (enough Bs in that sentence for ya?). I don't think that he wants me to view him as a brother. Still, I appreciate his concern and caring. OH!!! What's best is that he doesn't say "I told you so." Who wouldn't want a big brother like that?!?
Guess who I heard from. Nope, it wasn't Control. It was Mr. One-Night-Stand. He sent me a message through Frumster today. Kinda need to explain that he wasn't the one who didn't call after the one night... I just didn't answer the phone. There was no way that I wanted to talk to him. I wasn't embarrassed about what happened but angry, and hurt. Mr. One knew that he was going to be my first date in 8 years, and my first date with someone other than my stbx in 13 years. BUT he didn't make sure that even if it wasn't going to be a fantastic date, it would still be a good one. Instead he loaned his car to a friend and wanted me to drive. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!
And there's more..... he only told me about the car situation the night of our date. When I spoke up for myself (pat on the back to me) and told him that I really wanted to be picked up, he didn't get bother getting his car back, and there were several ways that he could have managed it. Hey! If I could think up these things why couldn't he. OK, OK, get off my case. I know I didn't offer my suggestions, but I was brand new to this and just telling him that I wanted him to drive and pick me up took many deep breaths and a lot of guts.
Anyway... I ended up going to pick him up. Just don't say anything... I know now that I shouldn't have done that. But it was my first date, and I was kind of timid about asking for what I wanted or saying no if I didn't get it. It's not like I was asking for the moon or a pair of diamond earrings. I'd rather see the moon up in the sky, and I don't need diamonds just love and hugs.
Mr. One wasn't even dressed when I got to his apt. He still needed to put on a shirt, shoes, socks, sweater. He hadn't even shaved!!!!!! Now c'mon (this is to you, guys out there), when you go on a date, let alone a first date, you shave. Mr. One also had a bottle of wine opened and we had a glass....
We never left his apartment....and it was over before it started.... And it wasn't even good. I got dressed and took off right after. He didn't even walk me to my car. I was angry at myself, and also at him. Do you blame me for not taking his calls??? I replied to Mr. One's e-mail today, and spelled it all out for him... without any animosity or exclamation points. But I did include an apology for not taking his calls and letting him know how upset and disappointed I was.
That whole incident was the reason I told Bud (when he was Charm) that he was the first guy I was going out with in 8 years, even though he wasn't. I wanted to see how he would treat me. A gold star for Bud. He picked me up, brought me chocolate (godiva), took me to The Top of the Rock, held my hand, kissed me while we were outside looking down at the city all lit up. Two hours of making out up there. Boy, he was a great kisser. Bud didn't push things even when they got a little hot and heavy.... a real gentleman and a great first date.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
I Made A Mistake
I just realized that MM (Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move) should not be named that. It does not state on his Frumster profile that he might relocate... it says that he won't relocate. UGH!!!! Boy, do I feel stupid. I spent a long time on the phone with him last night, and was looking forward to a date with him. Instead I wrote him an apology explaining the situation and that I didn't mean to lead him on or anything like that. Whenever someone from Frumster contacts me if their profile states that they won't relocate I immediately inform them that I will be moving to Kansas and plan to stay there. I want to be up front and not play games. I sent Bud at least two messages that told him about Kansas and my moving there. Somehow, we still ended up going out.
MN read the message and immediately called me. He reassured me that I had nothing to apologize for and that I did not lead him on. Then MN said that I don't have to move, but I explained that I must for DB so that he is safe. He acknowledged that he still wanted to go out with me, and was trying very hard (in a laid back, joking way) to convince me to go out with him. OMIGOSH!! I almost forgot to mention that he almost came down to Kansas today to surprise me and see me.
It's kind of ironic that now I'm talking to Bud about MM (let's change that to Mr. Not-Relocating). The funniest thing is that they know each other, and live in the same neighborhood. Geez Louise, what are the chances of that happening? So Bud is giving me advice and reminding me about what happened between us because he can't relocate.
I don't want to get hurt again... I know what I should do... Am I going to tell him that I won't go out with him? I have absolutely no clue. He's very sweet, and understands where I'm coming from. We get along well on the phone and even if he's not sure (I am definitely positive) that we would be attracted to each other and feel comfortable with each other in person. How do I manage to get myself into these situations?!?!?!??!
MN read the message and immediately called me. He reassured me that I had nothing to apologize for and that I did not lead him on. Then MN said that I don't have to move, but I explained that I must for DB so that he is safe. He acknowledged that he still wanted to go out with me, and was trying very hard (in a laid back, joking way) to convince me to go out with him. OMIGOSH!! I almost forgot to mention that he almost came down to Kansas today to surprise me and see me.
It's kind of ironic that now I'm talking to Bud about MM (let's change that to Mr. Not-Relocating). The funniest thing is that they know each other, and live in the same neighborhood. Geez Louise, what are the chances of that happening? So Bud is giving me advice and reminding me about what happened between us because he can't relocate.
I don't want to get hurt again... I know what I should do... Am I going to tell him that I won't go out with him? I have absolutely no clue. He's very sweet, and understands where I'm coming from. We get along well on the phone and even if he's not sure (I am definitely positive) that we would be attracted to each other and feel comfortable with each other in person. How do I manage to get myself into these situations?!?!?!??!
Do I Need To Choose?
Spoke with this guy on the phone last night and found out he was working at the hotel where I was supposed to have been. No, it wasn't Mr. Willing. It's Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move.... that's what it said on his profile on Frumster. I decided not to tell him in a message that I'm going to me moving to Kansas in the summer. The last time I did that this man I really wanted to get to know better wrote back that he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon, and that was after a couple of messages that I thought both of us enjoyed.
Mr. Maybe or MM sounds great, and by that I mean his voice, and his attitude about life etc. His voice is a little deep and it has a sexy sound. I know, I know, you can't base a relationship on sex. And I've learned that maybe now I can't have a casual sexual relationship. That's a real eye-opener. It's not like I've slept around, but in high school and for a few years after I kind of lived by CSBF, casual sex between friends. Sometimes, after I would date a guy we would still fool around... that is until I was exclusive with my next boyfriend. Oh boy, this sure doesn't sound good or make me look good. It sounds worse than it is. I was never considered a slut or anything close to that, and now I don't even know why... Maybe it's because I wasn't using these guys (well, yes I was but let me finish). First and always I was their friend then if we both wanted we would fool around. We were hormone crazy teenagers so there wasn't so many times when we didn't want to.
The last time I was in Kansas I literally ran into one of these guys. I called him Matza when we were dating, and no, his real name was not Pesach. While I was checking out the fantastic school for DB, he turned the corner and almost knocked me over. He had been looking for the principal, saw her and didn't expect anyone else to be in the empty classroom. We came face to face and then he started to turn red and stammer. I don't think that I had ever seen a man blush before. Matza couldn't remember why he was looking for the principal, and I really felt for him and tried making small talk so that she wouldn't realize that he couldn't think straight. After what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds he was able to get it together a little and ask her for whatever it was he needed. When she left the room to get it his face got even redder, and his stammer came back. Whoa... this is a married man with 5 kids. I guess it's a good idea that I don't really keep in close touch (pun intended) with those guys I dated who are married.
In his defense, things got kind of serious with us. At least he thought they did. He wanted to marry me (marriage proposals are for another post). The funniest thing is that stbx was the only guy that had to be given an ultimatum to propose. It was definitely a sign of things to come.
Back to MM and Willing... I don't know if I can date two guys at once. There obviously hasn't been any talk of exclusivity. It's just that I don't know if I can keep things straight. And what happens if I like one better than the other? Do I unceremoniously dump the guy I don't like as much? But then what if things don't work out with the first one? Can I really expect the second one to go out with me again? How do people do this? UGH!!!!!! I guess dating FMs is the gauntlet I must go through in order to get to the Wonderful Wizard. HELP!!!!
Mr. Maybe or MM sounds great, and by that I mean his voice, and his attitude about life etc. His voice is a little deep and it has a sexy sound. I know, I know, you can't base a relationship on sex. And I've learned that maybe now I can't have a casual sexual relationship. That's a real eye-opener. It's not like I've slept around, but in high school and for a few years after I kind of lived by CSBF, casual sex between friends. Sometimes, after I would date a guy we would still fool around... that is until I was exclusive with my next boyfriend. Oh boy, this sure doesn't sound good or make me look good. It sounds worse than it is. I was never considered a slut or anything close to that, and now I don't even know why... Maybe it's because I wasn't using these guys (well, yes I was but let me finish). First and always I was their friend then if we both wanted we would fool around. We were hormone crazy teenagers so there wasn't so many times when we didn't want to.
The last time I was in Kansas I literally ran into one of these guys. I called him Matza when we were dating, and no, his real name was not Pesach. While I was checking out the fantastic school for DB, he turned the corner and almost knocked me over. He had been looking for the principal, saw her and didn't expect anyone else to be in the empty classroom. We came face to face and then he started to turn red and stammer. I don't think that I had ever seen a man blush before. Matza couldn't remember why he was looking for the principal, and I really felt for him and tried making small talk so that she wouldn't realize that he couldn't think straight. After what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds he was able to get it together a little and ask her for whatever it was he needed. When she left the room to get it his face got even redder, and his stammer came back. Whoa... this is a married man with 5 kids. I guess it's a good idea that I don't really keep in close touch (pun intended) with those guys I dated who are married.
In his defense, things got kind of serious with us. At least he thought they did. He wanted to marry me (marriage proposals are for another post). The funniest thing is that stbx was the only guy that had to be given an ultimatum to propose. It was definitely a sign of things to come.
Back to MM and Willing... I don't know if I can date two guys at once. There obviously hasn't been any talk of exclusivity. It's just that I don't know if I can keep things straight. And what happens if I like one better than the other? Do I unceremoniously dump the guy I don't like as much? But then what if things don't work out with the first one? Can I really expect the second one to go out with me again? How do people do this? UGH!!!!!! I guess dating FMs is the gauntlet I must go through in order to get to the Wonderful Wizard. HELP!!!!
Monday, April 2, 2007
Buds
I spoke with Charm (have to find a new name for him) and at first I felt the tug, but by the time we finished talking it was gone. I switched into "Bud" mode. We talked about me going out with other guys, but also him going out with other girls. That really helped. I'm used to doing that with my guy friends.... not that I have too many of them nowadays. Most of them are married and I don't feel that it's right that I should call or that they should speak to me as often. Actually, after someone dates me the next person they go out with they marry. It's happened to at least six guys. I'm wondering what that says about me. Maybe I should hire myself out. Wait a minute!!! That didn't come out right. But it is funny... hee hee ;)
Bud used my name the other day. What's the deal? I told him that I felt it was a way for him to keep a distance between us. Guess now that he doesn't need to worry about that he can call me my name.
Today I contacted Mr. Willing-to-Relocate from Frumster. I'm looking forward to dating some more and I think he would be a lot of fun. He's smart, funny, attractive, and willing to relocate. WOW!!!! He's told me that he like Kansas and could see himself living there. We haven't spoken yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing his voice, and he wants to get together before I cut my hair. It was supposed to be cut before Pesach, but there wasn't enough time.... so, it'll be cut right before Shavuos.
I'm also thinking about going red. Maybe the same color as the actress, Julianne Moore, or a little darker. I've been blonde and now, brunette. Why not try red? I wonder how people will react to me as a redhead. Even though I have dark hair now, I still feel and act as if I'm blonde. What I really think is that it's all in the attitude or as I tell Bud "in the way someone stands and holds themselves". That is what I believe can make a person appear more attractive to others. I guess, it's also like power and those who have it act in a certain way that draws people towards them. Similar to that, is how someone happy is usually surrounded by others that are or want to be happy too. The opposite of which is illustrated by the quote "misery loves (miserable) company."
Enough analyzing... Pesach is just about here and my mom is calling. Next year I hope to be settled in Kansas with DB... that is if we're not all in Eretz Yisrael with Moshiach.
Chag Kasher V'Sameach!!!!! Enjoy your friends and families!!!!
btw-Control won't stop calling me now. What's up with that???
Bud used my name the other day. What's the deal? I told him that I felt it was a way for him to keep a distance between us. Guess now that he doesn't need to worry about that he can call me my name.
Today I contacted Mr. Willing-to-Relocate from Frumster. I'm looking forward to dating some more and I think he would be a lot of fun. He's smart, funny, attractive, and willing to relocate. WOW!!!! He's told me that he like Kansas and could see himself living there. We haven't spoken yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing his voice, and he wants to get together before I cut my hair. It was supposed to be cut before Pesach, but there wasn't enough time.... so, it'll be cut right before Shavuos.
I'm also thinking about going red. Maybe the same color as the actress, Julianne Moore, or a little darker. I've been blonde and now, brunette. Why not try red? I wonder how people will react to me as a redhead. Even though I have dark hair now, I still feel and act as if I'm blonde. What I really think is that it's all in the attitude or as I tell Bud "in the way someone stands and holds themselves". That is what I believe can make a person appear more attractive to others. I guess, it's also like power and those who have it act in a certain way that draws people towards them. Similar to that, is how someone happy is usually surrounded by others that are or want to be happy too. The opposite of which is illustrated by the quote "misery loves (miserable) company."
Enough analyzing... Pesach is just about here and my mom is calling. Next year I hope to be settled in Kansas with DB... that is if we're not all in Eretz Yisrael with Moshiach.
Chag Kasher V'Sameach!!!!! Enjoy your friends and families!!!!
btw-Control won't stop calling me now. What's up with that???
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Missing...
I'm not going away and working this Pesach. Every year I work as a "counselor" and take care of kids who are between the ages of 2 1/2 and 6. I'm so busy it helps me keep my mind off of missing DB, and by the end of the day I just pass out.
What's In A Name? or A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet... Or Sweeter
People call me names... nicknames that is. I answer to a lot of different ones. Some are a variation of my English or my Hebrew name, and some of them I have no clue about how they came to be. It all started with my mom. She calls me at least 10 different names. Usually it depends on what I've done recently or who we are with. When she uses my nickname coupled with my middle name everything is fine but when I hear my full first name followed by my middle name I know I've done something wrong. It's not to often I hear that one anymore. Most of the time I'm Shain short for Shaina Punim. My dad usually calls me by my nickname and sometimes Froggy. Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still his little girl.
My brother no longer goes by his English name so my mother calls him Yosef Aryeh* his Hebrew name instead of Max Joseph*. So what if he's six feet tall, has a beard, is married and father to six boys, he'll always be my little brother Maxy*. And he doesn't mind me calling him that. Trust me... he would tell me if he did. But I have DB call him Uncle Yosef* or Uncle Yo*.
Most of my family members have middle names. I think it's a southern thing, and both names are almost always used. My aunt goes by Esther Ruth* and my uncle is Mark Isaac*. Everyone who knows my mom calls her by both her names Merril Sue*, almost as if they're one. First and middle names combined must have at least three syllables preferably four.
Charm goes by a one syllable name shortened from his first. He doesn't have an English name. The thing is he has a great name, with four syllables but he really dislikes being called by it. I would hear his name in my head, but then I could only say the one syllable. Ugh! It made me feel so restricted. So I used his full first name and last name together. I really need at least three syllables when I talk to someone. Charm doesn't really understand this. In fact, he doesn't/didn't even call me by my name. He didn't call me anything. I mentioned it to him because I find it so different and funny. Not even a term of endearment like honey or baby. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's called me by my name without any prompting by me. In two, no, three instances he called me baby. Once in writing and twice on the phone.
I associate nicknames with affection, love and different moods, and different people. Here are some that I am called.... Chicki Mama, Chaya Gittel*, Chayala, Shane, Shaina Punim, Julietta*, Julius*, Julie*, JuleEllen*, Froggy, Superchicken, Spaz, Pearl, Smiley, Giggles.
Of course DB has his own set of names... Cutie Pie, Doll, Munch, Munchie, Simcha Ber*, darlin' boy, babe shortened from baby doll, doll shortened from doll baby, bun short for honey bun, little one, honey bunch, bunch , Simcha* boy, ashaboo, banana, little one, buckaroo.
Gretel, Git, Mamasita, Shmellen, SuzyJo, Roberta, Shprintza Genendel, Matza, Sharona are some names that I call my friends.
Even our cat has nicknames. Frankie* is what DB named her, but we call her Frankie Cat, Fat Cat (for obvious reasons), Frank-Frank, Frankie-girl.
Temima Sora Bracha Maidela, Meema, Meems, Tuvia Yosef, Tuvy, Moishy, Mordy, Kusie, WMD, (one of my nephews who has climbed up onto the counters and dumped out all, and I mean all of the spices from their containers), Mr. Charles, Moonie, Tanzie, Tie-Tie are some of the nicknames for family members.
So you see, I really do like names. The one time when I heard Charm say my name naturally was when I was breaking up with him. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out to me. My theory is that names give you an attachment to a person especially if you create a name to call them. There were times when I heard Charm speaking with his daughter and calling her by name and nicknames. But for all the time that we spoke on the phone (and in person) he had a difficult time with using mine. I heard him use his ex's name more than mine. Whoa!!!
In Charm's most recent comment on a post of mine, he jokes that he's called me by name. Don't think that's ever really gonna happen with him... even if we stay friends. I think it's his way of not letting people get too close to him. Just think about your friends and family and the different names your loved ones call you.....
*names have been changed but the breakdown of the syllables has remained the same
My brother no longer goes by his English name so my mother calls him Yosef Aryeh* his Hebrew name instead of Max Joseph*. So what if he's six feet tall, has a beard, is married and father to six boys, he'll always be my little brother Maxy*. And he doesn't mind me calling him that. Trust me... he would tell me if he did. But I have DB call him Uncle Yosef* or Uncle Yo*.
Most of my family members have middle names. I think it's a southern thing, and both names are almost always used. My aunt goes by Esther Ruth* and my uncle is Mark Isaac*. Everyone who knows my mom calls her by both her names Merril Sue*, almost as if they're one. First and middle names combined must have at least three syllables preferably four.
Charm goes by a one syllable name shortened from his first. He doesn't have an English name. The thing is he has a great name, with four syllables but he really dislikes being called by it. I would hear his name in my head, but then I could only say the one syllable. Ugh! It made me feel so restricted. So I used his full first name and last name together. I really need at least three syllables when I talk to someone. Charm doesn't really understand this. In fact, he doesn't/didn't even call me by my name. He didn't call me anything. I mentioned it to him because I find it so different and funny. Not even a term of endearment like honey or baby. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's called me by my name without any prompting by me. In two, no, three instances he called me baby. Once in writing and twice on the phone.
I associate nicknames with affection, love and different moods, and different people. Here are some that I am called.... Chicki Mama, Chaya Gittel*, Chayala, Shane, Shaina Punim, Julietta*, Julius*, Julie*, JuleEllen*, Froggy, Superchicken, Spaz, Pearl, Smiley, Giggles.
Of course DB has his own set of names... Cutie Pie, Doll, Munch, Munchie, Simcha Ber*, darlin' boy, babe shortened from baby doll, doll shortened from doll baby, bun short for honey bun, little one, honey bunch, bunch , Simcha* boy, ashaboo, banana, little one, buckaroo.
Gretel, Git, Mamasita, Shmellen, SuzyJo, Roberta, Shprintza Genendel, Matza, Sharona are some names that I call my friends.
Even our cat has nicknames. Frankie* is what DB named her, but we call her Frankie Cat, Fat Cat (for obvious reasons), Frank-Frank, Frankie-girl.
Temima Sora Bracha Maidela, Meema, Meems, Tuvia Yosef, Tuvy, Moishy, Mordy, Kusie, WMD, (one of my nephews who has climbed up onto the counters and dumped out all, and I mean all of the spices from their containers), Mr. Charles, Moonie, Tanzie, Tie-Tie are some of the nicknames for family members.
So you see, I really do like names. The one time when I heard Charm say my name naturally was when I was breaking up with him. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out to me. My theory is that names give you an attachment to a person especially if you create a name to call them. There were times when I heard Charm speaking with his daughter and calling her by name and nicknames. But for all the time that we spoke on the phone (and in person) he had a difficult time with using mine. I heard him use his ex's name more than mine. Whoa!!!
In Charm's most recent comment on a post of mine, he jokes that he's called me by name. Don't think that's ever really gonna happen with him... even if we stay friends. I think it's his way of not letting people get too close to him. Just think about your friends and family and the different names your loved ones call you.....
*names have been changed but the breakdown of the syllables has remained the same
Coincidence?
Control called. It was really weird hearing from him less than 24 hours after breaking up with Charm. It almost made me think that Charm had somehow contacted him to let him know I wasn't in a relationship. Anyway, Control kept on saying, "I really @#*&ed up with you, didn't I?" I'm not the type to hang up on someone and Control is fun to talk too, so I agreed with him, "Yes, you did." Then I reminded him that he owes me five bucks on the bet we had. I knew he wasn't going to take me out within 30 days of our last talking... for two reasons, Charm, and Control doesn't follow through. He was supposed to call tonight, but I wasn't expecting to hear from him.... give him another thirty days. Maybe I should rename him @#*&ed up with you guy because it's a phrase he reiterates each time we speak.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Freedom From Limbo Or I Make A Decision
Yup, I did it. I made a decision. I ended it with Charm tonight. Gotta love the man, and I'm also very proud of myself. There were tears, but nothing hysterical... no big drama. I didn't know that I was going to do it tonight. I just knew that I didn't want to do it over the phone. Everyone i.e., Shmellen, Gretel and my Mom knew what was coming. But I didn't really tell my mom anything... I guess when you're a parent you just know some things... especially when your child has no time to talk to you because they're busy with someone else. Gretel and Shmellen liked Charm. Well, Gretel even liked him enough to try to convince me to stay in Oz.... because if the mom is happy then so are the children. It's just that it's also a case of Pikuach Nefesh. DB's physical, mental, and emotional health come first. I need to stop fooling myself that somehow things could've worked out. He wasn't even in love with me.
Soooo.... where do we go from here? I told Charm that we would still be friends, and I would love to have someone like him in my life. I just don't know if that can really happen, and forget about me calling anytime soon.... unless, I really feel that I can handle it. I'm also not goint to e-mail that's how this whole thing got started in the first place.
I'll miss his phone calls... when he's driving to work, running just about five minutes late and stuck in traffic, and driving home from work and going to stop in and put his daughter to bed.... the updates on his daughter and her loose teeth... the calls during the day when something funny has happened...
I'll miss watching Seinfeld and Scrubs with him over the phone every night and listening to him laugh... I'll miss his corny jokes that we both laugh at... I'll miss hearing the changes in his voice when he's serious, sexy, happy, or ranting about rabbis.
I'll miss his kisses and his caring.
Don't know why,
there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I aint together,
Keeps rainin all the time
I'm sure I'll be writing about this again soon, but right now my eyes are closing as I'm typing.
Soooo.... where do we go from here? I told Charm that we would still be friends, and I would love to have someone like him in my life. I just don't know if that can really happen, and forget about me calling anytime soon.... unless, I really feel that I can handle it. I'm also not goint to e-mail that's how this whole thing got started in the first place.
I'll miss his phone calls... when he's driving to work, running just about five minutes late and stuck in traffic, and driving home from work and going to stop in and put his daughter to bed.... the updates on his daughter and her loose teeth... the calls during the day when something funny has happened...
I'll miss watching Seinfeld and Scrubs with him over the phone every night and listening to him laugh... I'll miss his corny jokes that we both laugh at... I'll miss hearing the changes in his voice when he's serious, sexy, happy, or ranting about rabbis.
I'll miss his kisses and his caring.
Don't know why,
there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I aint together,
Keeps rainin all the time
I'm sure I'll be writing about this again soon, but right now my eyes are closing as I'm typing.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Happy Half Birthday To Me
It started when I was 5 1/2 years old. Well, most likely before I was 5 1/2. I remember asking my mother when the day would come that I could finally claim there was only 6 months left to being five... less than 6 months to being a 6 year old.... which in my eyes meant grown up, first grade, homework, the big school, sitting at desks....
I have remembered that day ever since. March 26. Believe it or not there have been occasions, twice, that I forgot my b-day, but not my half birthday.Once was when I was out of the country and had been celebrating it before I left the States non-stop. The other time happened during this craziness of divorce. There was just so much going on that I didn't remember until I finally had a chance to return my mother's phone call and was serenaded. "Happy Birthday to you....."
Gretel's birthday took place on Shabbos. She is 6 months older than I and going through her reluctance to be called a year older helps me deal with it. By the time September rolls around I've accepted the change in numbers, and am looking forward to celebrating it.
Age isn't that much of a determining factor in relationships for me. I've dated guys who were older, younger and even my own age. The biggest difference was a five year gap and I was the elder. Charm is younger than I am and it doesn't make a difference. I was even contacted on Frumster by an FM 10 years my junior. We're not dating, but have become friendly. And yes, when I wrote back to him I made mention of the age diff. But, it didn't bother him. Of course not, as he wrote "I'm not proposing." Well, he wasn't proposing marriage, but rather other things (that haven't taken place). I didn't know I could be attractive to someone who was that much younger. Hey! I don't mind getting older. Bring on September.
I have remembered that day ever since. March 26. Believe it or not there have been occasions, twice, that I forgot my b-day, but not my half birthday.Once was when I was out of the country and had been celebrating it before I left the States non-stop. The other time happened during this craziness of divorce. There was just so much going on that I didn't remember until I finally had a chance to return my mother's phone call and was serenaded. "Happy Birthday to you....."
Gretel's birthday took place on Shabbos. She is 6 months older than I and going through her reluctance to be called a year older helps me deal with it. By the time September rolls around I've accepted the change in numbers, and am looking forward to celebrating it.
Age isn't that much of a determining factor in relationships for me. I've dated guys who were older, younger and even my own age. The biggest difference was a five year gap and I was the elder. Charm is younger than I am and it doesn't make a difference. I was even contacted on Frumster by an FM 10 years my junior. We're not dating, but have become friendly. And yes, when I wrote back to him I made mention of the age diff. But, it didn't bother him. Of course not, as he wrote "I'm not proposing." Well, he wasn't proposing marriage, but rather other things (that haven't taken place). I didn't know I could be attractive to someone who was that much younger. Hey! I don't mind getting older. Bring on September.
Headed The Wrong Way
Driving on the GW (George Washington Bridge) saw Kansas plates on a flatbed headed into the city. I was ready to yell out the window. "Hey, You're headin' the wrong way, Bud. You don't want to get stuck in this place." My mind started drifting back to when how I learned how to drive stick. I was seventeen, and working for an engineering firm. The company car was a beat up blue pickup with dried mud everywhere except maybe the roof and she was mine to drive for the summer. Aaron, one of the engineers, spent an afternoon in a parking lot with me. Quite a sight... I might have been old enough to drive, but I sure didn't look it, and his suit, beard, and yarmulke made him just a little conspicuous too. The double takes when I got out of the truck were great, and made me smile and laugh which usually resulted in the same coming from the people who were gawking.
Going out to the sites... driving the truck, wearing jeans with the window open and music blaring wasn't what I considered work, but they still paid me even after I totalled the boss's car. I just stood at the side of the road wondering how they were going to fire me. Instead the boss comforted me with stories of how many cars he totalled when he was a teenager and sent me out in the truck the next day to get some plans I knew he already had.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Not Anytime Soon
I just got off the phone with Gretel. It's not her real name, but a nickname I've called her since we've been eight. She's now a rebbetzin with 9 beautiful children, and one of my best friends. I don't get to see her often because she lives in Boston, teaches and is a part-time cpa, not to mention starting her own business, and doing some catering on the side. There are times when we will go months without talking. But we always pick up right where we left off without any hesitation or awkwardness. Gretel's thoughts especially with regard to me are sound and correct. I value her opinion even if I don't necessarily follow it because she always has my best interests at heart. She's my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my mirror. I don't know what I would do without her.
Well, yes I do know. I wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out what is going on between Charm and me, and what to do about it. You see, I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will be moving to "Kansas" this summer. After becoming entangled in this system for over 6 years I have learned that things don't always happen the way they should according to case law etc.... If they did I could say with certainty that I would be moving. It also appears that even though we were supposed to have a trial regarding relocation at the end of May it will not take place then. The forensic psychologist informed me today that even if she started the evaluation this afternoon it would not be complete for at least 8-10 weeks. Kind of took me by surprise.
You would think that nothing regarding this mess could do that to me anymore. I am also the only party who has contacted her. So now I am the one responsible for getting her the court order of appointment which details who is responsible to pay for her services. It feels like the whole system has the mentality of the stbx in thinking that if they ignore something it will take care of itself and/or cease to exist. It's hard to take care of these matters and face things when no one else including your attorney is helping you. All I want is to go on with my life and take care of myself and my son. I believe that the best possible way for this to take place would be for me to relocate with DB to Kansas.
There are numerous reasons why I want to go back home to "Kansas." My brother and his family live in Eretz Yisrael, and my parents are divorced so when my parents get sick I take care of them. I deal with their doctors etc.... My parents are usually healthy, but they are getting older and my dad suffers from a chronic condition that periodically flares up.
I now understand what people say when you save a life you are responsible for it, for the person. I feel that way about my dad. Around 17 years ago after my father had an operation and was brought back to his room in the hospital I noticed that his breathing was slowing and told the nurse. She told me to count his breaths and keep track of it. When my father's breathing continued to slow I had to get on her case to call a resident. My father was given a shot (narcan, to get the painkiller out of his system) and then the doctor told me to keep track of my father's breathing. Before they came back to check on my dad I had to call the nurse again and tell her that his breathing was slowing down dramatically. They gave him another shot of narcan and when that didn't work transferred him to ccu. If I had not stayed the night...
The same thing took place this past Succos after first days of Yontif. My dad was in the emergency room and my aunt had left, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving my dad alone even though he was feeling better. His breathing slowed and once again I was the one who noticed and had to tell the nurse and doctor. They were in the process of transferring him to a room and then turned him around and kept him in emergency. The narcan worked this time, but I stayed the whole night again.
Another reason to move to "Kansas" is DB and the loving attention he would receive from all our family members. A HUGE, major point is this school that I saw. DB would get the help he so desperately needs and wants. I haven't found a school like it up here in Oz. A frum school that is able to teach him in a multi-sensory fashion, and give him the basic skills, but at the level he needs to keep him intellectually stimulated.
There's also a school that I would like to attend about an hour away from Kansas. Because of the the immersion in the language my ASL (American Sign Language) skills would improve and my certification for interpretation could be finished must faster than if I stayed here in Oz. I'm seriously considering going into special ed. and deaf studies. I love kids and have experienced first hand the frustration they experience due to learning disabilities, i.e. DB. Showing them they are capable of learning would be extremely rewarding. This would mean more school for me, but I don't think I mind especially if I was in school in Kansas.
Plus not having to worry about babysitters... like paying them or being concerned about them showing up, let alone showing up on time would be a load off my mind and wouldn't put a dent in my wallet. There are enough cousins, aunts and uncles who love to spend time with DB that they would be fighting over who gets to stay with him even while he sleeps. We have about 200 family members not to mention close friends who are included as part of the family. I could work while DB was in school and earn more money than I do right now.
Well, yes I do know. I wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out what is going on between Charm and me, and what to do about it. You see, I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will be moving to "Kansas" this summer. After becoming entangled in this system for over 6 years I have learned that things don't always happen the way they should according to case law etc.... If they did I could say with certainty that I would be moving. It also appears that even though we were supposed to have a trial regarding relocation at the end of May it will not take place then. The forensic psychologist informed me today that even if she started the evaluation this afternoon it would not be complete for at least 8-10 weeks. Kind of took me by surprise.
You would think that nothing regarding this mess could do that to me anymore. I am also the only party who has contacted her. So now I am the one responsible for getting her the court order of appointment which details who is responsible to pay for her services. It feels like the whole system has the mentality of the stbx in thinking that if they ignore something it will take care of itself and/or cease to exist. It's hard to take care of these matters and face things when no one else including your attorney is helping you. All I want is to go on with my life and take care of myself and my son. I believe that the best possible way for this to take place would be for me to relocate with DB to Kansas.
There are numerous reasons why I want to go back home to "Kansas." My brother and his family live in Eretz Yisrael, and my parents are divorced so when my parents get sick I take care of them. I deal with their doctors etc.... My parents are usually healthy, but they are getting older and my dad suffers from a chronic condition that periodically flares up.
I now understand what people say when you save a life you are responsible for it, for the person. I feel that way about my dad. Around 17 years ago after my father had an operation and was brought back to his room in the hospital I noticed that his breathing was slowing and told the nurse. She told me to count his breaths and keep track of it. When my father's breathing continued to slow I had to get on her case to call a resident. My father was given a shot (narcan, to get the painkiller out of his system) and then the doctor told me to keep track of my father's breathing. Before they came back to check on my dad I had to call the nurse again and tell her that his breathing was slowing down dramatically. They gave him another shot of narcan and when that didn't work transferred him to ccu. If I had not stayed the night...
The same thing took place this past Succos after first days of Yontif. My dad was in the emergency room and my aunt had left, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving my dad alone even though he was feeling better. His breathing slowed and once again I was the one who noticed and had to tell the nurse and doctor. They were in the process of transferring him to a room and then turned him around and kept him in emergency. The narcan worked this time, but I stayed the whole night again.
Another reason to move to "Kansas" is DB and the loving attention he would receive from all our family members. A HUGE, major point is this school that I saw. DB would get the help he so desperately needs and wants. I haven't found a school like it up here in Oz. A frum school that is able to teach him in a multi-sensory fashion, and give him the basic skills, but at the level he needs to keep him intellectually stimulated.
There's also a school that I would like to attend about an hour away from Kansas. Because of the the immersion in the language my ASL (American Sign Language) skills would improve and my certification for interpretation could be finished must faster than if I stayed here in Oz. I'm seriously considering going into special ed. and deaf studies. I love kids and have experienced first hand the frustration they experience due to learning disabilities, i.e. DB. Showing them they are capable of learning would be extremely rewarding. This would mean more school for me, but I don't think I mind especially if I was in school in Kansas.
Plus not having to worry about babysitters... like paying them or being concerned about them showing up, let alone showing up on time would be a load off my mind and wouldn't put a dent in my wallet. There are enough cousins, aunts and uncles who love to spend time with DB that they would be fighting over who gets to stay with him even while he sleeps. We have about 200 family members not to mention close friends who are included as part of the family. I could work while DB was in school and earn more money than I do right now.
Labels:
asl (american sign language),
brother,
court,
db (darling boy),
family,
friends,
kansas,
parents,
relationships,
school,
work
3 comments:
3 comments:
Spring Ramblings
Spring....in my step.... almost a skip.... A soft breeze and a damp smell of growth... melting snow watering new buds...
I missed skiing again this year. The skis were in Kansas, along with my boots and all my other gear. DB is itching to get on the slopes and he's never skied... Next year!!!! He'll pick it up very quickly and we'll race down the mountain, no stopping and quads burning. But for now the bike tires have air in them and we'll be doing some riding. I'm not looking forward to lugging the bikes back and forth from Oz to Kansas, but it will be worth it when DB and I go riding together.
I love the outdoors. What I love the most is the wind in my face. It brings to mind a dog hanging his head out the window in ecstasy. It such a sense of freedom to me. I love the wind whether it's from skiing a run down a mountain, a ride on a horse, biking, running, sailing, and of course the window open while driving with the music blaring singing my heart out and smiling.
Squeaky, my minivan, is slowly falling apart. I try to keep her in good shape, but I've put a lot of miles on her and she wasn't new when she came to me. The next car will also have to be a minivan. It's necessary for carpools, playdates, and traveling with DB and the cat. She goes with us to Kansas and has been since we got her when she was 4 months old. DB has been traveling back and forth to Kansas in the car since he's been three months. They both behave beautifully and there is no DVD player. I'm kind of old school in that respect. I would rather DB read, draw, look out the window and notice the world around him, sing with me, talk to me, and connect with me.
DB and I talk about getting a new car and we're in agreement that the next one must have a sunroof. He's definitely his mother's kid. My first car had a sunroof, and in every season it was open. The only time I drove with it closed was when it was raining (drizzling and it would still stay open) or snowing very hard. For about year I took care of three of my younger cousins (all under the age of three) and even if they couldn't ask for the sunroof to be opened they would point at it.
I've got to schedule an oil change for Squeaky, and I really do have to replace the spark plugs and wires. Dad has been on my case about it. It doesn't take all that long, but I really want to do it with DB so that he can learn how to do these things for himself the way I learned with my dad. He's definitely not going to do anything like this with is father. I still feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that I replaced the battery. It's not a hard job to do and lord knows I do own enough tools to get it done, but the best part was talking to my dad about it after and being able to tell him something he didn't know. Just in case any of you ever need to replace your car battery always disconnect the negative cable first. It's obvious my dad is proud of me, but when I told him about the cable and then when he saw the new kitchen floor I put down I really felt it. Talk about being confident in my abilities... he wants me to do his kitchen floor next. WOW!!! Ultimate compliment.
I love to work with my hands and enjoy the feeling of knowing that I can take care of myself. BUT, I wish that I didn't have to. It would be wonderful to give over some things to someone else or to even have someone else share some of the responsibilities. It's hard being mom and dad. It's also hard having to be the one to discipline all the time. DB's a great kid so it really isn't all the time, but his father doesn't discipline at all, and so he's the fun one in DB's eyes.
I missed skiing again this year. The skis were in Kansas, along with my boots and all my other gear. DB is itching to get on the slopes and he's never skied... Next year!!!! He'll pick it up very quickly and we'll race down the mountain, no stopping and quads burning. But for now the bike tires have air in them and we'll be doing some riding. I'm not looking forward to lugging the bikes back and forth from Oz to Kansas, but it will be worth it when DB and I go riding together.
I love the outdoors. What I love the most is the wind in my face. It brings to mind a dog hanging his head out the window in ecstasy. It such a sense of freedom to me. I love the wind whether it's from skiing a run down a mountain, a ride on a horse, biking, running, sailing, and of course the window open while driving with the music blaring singing my heart out and smiling.
Squeaky, my minivan, is slowly falling apart. I try to keep her in good shape, but I've put a lot of miles on her and she wasn't new when she came to me. The next car will also have to be a minivan. It's necessary for carpools, playdates, and traveling with DB and the cat. She goes with us to Kansas and has been since we got her when she was 4 months old. DB has been traveling back and forth to Kansas in the car since he's been three months. They both behave beautifully and there is no DVD player. I'm kind of old school in that respect. I would rather DB read, draw, look out the window and notice the world around him, sing with me, talk to me, and connect with me.
DB and I talk about getting a new car and we're in agreement that the next one must have a sunroof. He's definitely his mother's kid. My first car had a sunroof, and in every season it was open. The only time I drove with it closed was when it was raining (drizzling and it would still stay open) or snowing very hard. For about year I took care of three of my younger cousins (all under the age of three) and even if they couldn't ask for the sunroof to be opened they would point at it.
I've got to schedule an oil change for Squeaky, and I really do have to replace the spark plugs and wires. Dad has been on my case about it. It doesn't take all that long, but I really want to do it with DB so that he can learn how to do these things for himself the way I learned with my dad. He's definitely not going to do anything like this with is father. I still feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that I replaced the battery. It's not a hard job to do and lord knows I do own enough tools to get it done, but the best part was talking to my dad about it after and being able to tell him something he didn't know. Just in case any of you ever need to replace your car battery always disconnect the negative cable first. It's obvious my dad is proud of me, but when I told him about the cable and then when he saw the new kitchen floor I put down I really felt it. Talk about being confident in my abilities... he wants me to do his kitchen floor next. WOW!!! Ultimate compliment.
I love to work with my hands and enjoy the feeling of knowing that I can take care of myself. BUT, I wish that I didn't have to. It would be wonderful to give over some things to someone else or to even have someone else share some of the responsibilities. It's hard being mom and dad. It's also hard having to be the one to discipline all the time. DB's a great kid so it really isn't all the time, but his father doesn't discipline at all, and so he's the fun one in DB's eyes.
Ask And You Shall Receive
Not only is he actually listening to what I have to say he is doing something about it. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Sunday night when Charm and I were talking on the phone I mentioned that I really wanted to be with him, near him, to see him. He invited me over and after I said yes he then asked me if I wanted to spend the night. HOLY MOLEY!!!! Talk about positive reinforcement (pun intended). I packed up some things and drove over. Charm also told me that I look pretty, and yesterday he specifically let me know that his daughter was going to be over tonight, but that maybe I could come over anyway and we would watch a movie. If not for this cold, and how tired and achy I feel I would've been there in a flash.
Back to Sunday night.... We sat on the sofa again and talked, except this time it was much more relaxed and no tears. I gave him a card. And yes, I wrote those three little words in it. BUT don't get too upset with me for doing that. Although I wrote those words, I didn't mean them as in "I'm in love with you." I meant them in the manner that you listen to me and care about me and I care about you and really like you and love you as I do my close friends. OK, you could say that I am fooling myself about meaning that, but it's true. Because of Charm's ability to listen and understand and be open with me I really do feel that he is a true friend. At least those feelings I'm sure of, and we haven't had any fights yet.
It is kind of weird that we haven't fought. We've been talking about that. I don't think that you can classify my mixed emotions and confusion as a fight. At least he and I haven't. We also talked about not talking, and about the fact that neither of us really planned on having this go anywhere when we first went out. But that's basically where we left it. The next morning after I left he called me and asked me if anything was resolved. Meaning we still haven't come out and said to one another that I am hopefully going to be moving back to Kansas and that he is not going anywhere. I guess I feel that once it is said everything is over and I think he feels the same because neither of us has said it in so many words.
I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass into a Sex and the City storyline with Carrie and Big.... especially after Charm told me that I left some soap and a pair of pantyhose at his house. OMIGOD!!!! I started cracking up. It was just too... too... I could almost hear his thoughts. "She's leaving things here!!!! I've got to figure out a way for her to take them back without hurting her feelings BECAUSE I don't want her leaving things here!!!!" I started coughing because I was laughing so hard. Charm had no clue about the way he sounded which made it even funnier. Since I travel back and forth to Kansas just about every other week I tend to leave things behind so I didn't notice that I was missing anything. Doubles and triples of necessary toiletries fill my bathroom and who knows how my pairs of pantyhose I own, but trust me from now whatever comes with me will leave with me.
I just got off the phone with Charm and realize that even though we've talked about not talking we still need to talk. How many more times could I have written the word talked in that sentence? Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo again. UGH!!! Limbo with the divorce, with relocating, and now with Charm. I don't like having to wait for or having someone else make decisions about my life. Sooooo.... where do I go from here? If I really don't like having my life in someone else's hands then I guess I've got to figure out for myself what I'm going to do. I love the guy, and maybe I was in love with him very briefly but it doesn't look like it's returned in a similar fashion. Too bad..... he's a great guy, fun to be with, intelligent, considerate, a good father....
What do I do? No, I'm not asking for someone to me an answer. I'm talking to myself trying to figure this mess out. He's let his Frumster account lapse so I'm getting mixed signals. Maybe we both really should be dating other people? Maybe he's just not that into me... Maybe....
I'm rambling and probably will continue to do so until I make a decision. And yes, I know that not making a decision is also a decision.
Yesterday, I hit the speed dial for Charm by accident while driving with DB and searching for a juice box to give him. Uncle Kracker came on the radio. I love to sing and Charm ended up with a message of me doing just that. He told me that he thought I was trying to tell him something.
You don't know how you met me
You don't know why,
you can't turn around and say good-bye
And all you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....
Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
Back to Sunday night.... We sat on the sofa again and talked, except this time it was much more relaxed and no tears. I gave him a card. And yes, I wrote those three little words in it. BUT don't get too upset with me for doing that. Although I wrote those words, I didn't mean them as in "I'm in love with you." I meant them in the manner that you listen to me and care about me and I care about you and really like you and love you as I do my close friends. OK, you could say that I am fooling myself about meaning that, but it's true. Because of Charm's ability to listen and understand and be open with me I really do feel that he is a true friend. At least those feelings I'm sure of, and we haven't had any fights yet.
It is kind of weird that we haven't fought. We've been talking about that. I don't think that you can classify my mixed emotions and confusion as a fight. At least he and I haven't. We also talked about not talking, and about the fact that neither of us really planned on having this go anywhere when we first went out. But that's basically where we left it. The next morning after I left he called me and asked me if anything was resolved. Meaning we still haven't come out and said to one another that I am hopefully going to be moving back to Kansas and that he is not going anywhere. I guess I feel that once it is said everything is over and I think he feels the same because neither of us has said it in so many words.
I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass into a Sex and the City storyline with Carrie and Big.... especially after Charm told me that I left some soap and a pair of pantyhose at his house. OMIGOD!!!! I started cracking up. It was just too... too... I could almost hear his thoughts. "She's leaving things here!!!! I've got to figure out a way for her to take them back without hurting her feelings BECAUSE I don't want her leaving things here!!!!" I started coughing because I was laughing so hard. Charm had no clue about the way he sounded which made it even funnier. Since I travel back and forth to Kansas just about every other week I tend to leave things behind so I didn't notice that I was missing anything. Doubles and triples of necessary toiletries fill my bathroom and who knows how my pairs of pantyhose I own, but trust me from now whatever comes with me will leave with me.
I just got off the phone with Charm and realize that even though we've talked about not talking we still need to talk. How many more times could I have written the word talked in that sentence? Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo again. UGH!!! Limbo with the divorce, with relocating, and now with Charm. I don't like having to wait for or having someone else make decisions about my life. Sooooo.... where do I go from here? If I really don't like having my life in someone else's hands then I guess I've got to figure out for myself what I'm going to do. I love the guy, and maybe I was in love with him very briefly but it doesn't look like it's returned in a similar fashion. Too bad..... he's a great guy, fun to be with, intelligent, considerate, a good father....
What do I do? No, I'm not asking for someone to me an answer. I'm talking to myself trying to figure this mess out. He's let his Frumster account lapse so I'm getting mixed signals. Maybe we both really should be dating other people? Maybe he's just not that into me... Maybe....
I'm rambling and probably will continue to do so until I make a decision. And yes, I know that not making a decision is also a decision.
Yesterday, I hit the speed dial for Charm by accident while driving with DB and searching for a juice box to give him. Uncle Kracker came on the radio. I love to sing and Charm ended up with a message of me doing just that. He told me that he thought I was trying to tell him something.
You don't know how you met me
You don't know why,
you can't turn around and say good-bye
And all you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....
Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Contagious Kids
Well, that's what I get for working with kids. Colds.... I've got a real doozy now. I like that word "doozy." It sounds funny... no, it doesn't remind me of doody although it did just now... DB's thought patterns are rubbing off on me. But it sounds like a little old lady... Nope, changed my mind it sounds like a little old man word. A picture of a porch outside a general store in the country with old men in plaid shirts on rocking chairs nodding their heads hello to whoever goes in to shop. Every so often they re-tell a story that's been told so many times they don't know which one of them it happened to anymore. And in that story preceded by the words, "Boy, that was a" is the word doozy, followed by the words "of a _________"
Doozy, Suzy, Kabloozy, woozy.......... ok, this head cold is really getting to me!!! Like my brain is off one another track. My eyes feel hot... actually it's my eyelids that feel hot.
Enough already, back to the post... what was I writing about anyway? Oh, the fact that I haven't even felt well enough to write the past couple of days and so much has been going on.
But first, I have noticed that after spending time with the children I've been caring for I am sick within 48 hours. DB is eight so Thank G-d, Boruch Hashem, Bli Ayin Horah, poo poo poo... we're past the time when there was maybe one day of reprieve and health before he came home from school with another runny nose, cough, pink eye, etc. I guess I just forgot that I could be susceptible to illness. Hey!!! I'm a mom. We don't get sick, or if we do it doesn't really matter if we are because we're still responsible for taking care of everyone and everything.
Enough about being sick already.... Not really kvetching just surprised to be sick again and it got me thinking. But what doesn't get me thinking?
Have to stop writing I need to go grab another box of tissues and a cup of tea.... btw why is doozy coming up on the spell check?
Doozy, Suzy, Kabloozy, woozy.......... ok, this head cold is really getting to me!!! Like my brain is off one another track. My eyes feel hot... actually it's my eyelids that feel hot.
Enough already, back to the post... what was I writing about anyway? Oh, the fact that I haven't even felt well enough to write the past couple of days and so much has been going on.
But first, I have noticed that after spending time with the children I've been caring for I am sick within 48 hours. DB is eight so Thank G-d, Boruch Hashem, Bli Ayin Horah, poo poo poo... we're past the time when there was maybe one day of reprieve and health before he came home from school with another runny nose, cough, pink eye, etc. I guess I just forgot that I could be susceptible to illness. Hey!!! I'm a mom. We don't get sick, or if we do it doesn't really matter if we are because we're still responsible for taking care of everyone and everything.
Enough about being sick already.... Not really kvetching just surprised to be sick again and it got me thinking. But what doesn't get me thinking?
Have to stop writing I need to go grab another box of tissues and a cup of tea.... btw why is doozy coming up on the spell check?
Sunday, March 18, 2007
About Last Night.....
Last night was supposed to be fun. Shmellen and I had originally made plans to get together. She is a very good friend, and stopped me from just closing down and saying good-bye to Charm. Anyway, with Shmellen's blessing I invited Charm to come along. I figured it's been three months now and it shouldn't be a big deal just to go out with me and one of my friends.
When I asked him to join us he responded with, "What are you going to be doing?" That is not what I wanted to hear. I was kind of taken aback and I said that I wasn't completely sure, but does he want to come out with us. Some background.... Saturday night DB was with his father so I could go out and stay out, and Sunday night Charm already had a commitment to attend a school dinner. If we didn't go out Saturday night it might not happen for awhile depending on when my attorney was going to get the revisions to my papers back to me. This past Wednesday we didn't go out because Charm's daughter was with him. That's the other night I have free because DB sleeps over at his father's. Now Charm and his ex have a reasonable relationship. In fact, they have one of the best ex relationships that I've ever seen. Anyway as far as I know and from previous experience Charm doesn't really have any problems with switching nights that his daughter would be with him. OK, OK... let me cut him a little break.... I did say to him earlier in the week that there was the possibility that DB would be with me Wednesday night, but he never asked if that was going to take place.... and I forgot to tell him.
Back to the main issue.... my feelings were hurt because I asked Charm out and I felt that he was saying to me 1. that meeting my friends isn't as important as what we might do with them 2. that agreeing to go out with me wasn't as important as what we might do.
That hurt. I kept it inside like I always do. Whenever I get hurt I try not to show it and put up a wall instead. But, I pushed myself and two days later brought up the subject. I didn't do it in the best way, but I'm trying and learning. I basically asked him if he was just interested in the sex and if he was that's fine, but let me know. You see, that way I can decide if I wanted to be friends with benefits or just end it. When Charm comes over to see me we just end up having sex... Yes, it's great, amazing, mind-blowing sex, but I guess I need more. It seemed like the only time I saw him we stayed in even if I went to him. Just to clarify he has taken me out and we both have crazy schedules, and he graciously comes to me, he also calls me several times during the day but I felt kind of taken for granted. Anyway... after I floored him by asking him if I should start seeing other people, I finally got out that I was very disappointed in the way he answered me when I asked him to come out with me and Shmellen. It was so freaking hard for me to do that because then I was opening up to him that he could hurt me and that he did. It would've been easier for me to just completely break it off, but how stupid and immature would that be? Charm was absolutely wonderful and understanding and apologized and said "When and where?" Now I was the one that was floored I really thought he wasn't interested in spending time with me unless it was just the two of us and sex was a given. Wow, I didn't have to end a relationship just because my feelings were hurt. It didn't mean that Charm did it on purpose and was trying to mess with my head like stbx used to. I told you that I was new to this dating thing and I need to unlearn some protective behaviours.
Anyway... believe it or not everything worked out. That is until last night. Shmellen wasn't feeling well and Charm's friend who decided to join us changed his mind. It just going to be the two of us. I was still looking forward to seeing him. And then I got the phone call.... "Should I even bother getting dressed...." Now, I got dressed, put on perfume and makeup and I was driving over to Charm's. He had to work today, and I thought it would be easier for him if he didn't have to pick me up, go out, take me home and then drive about a half hour back to his place. Boy, did I feel like I was being used just for sex and that even if this was the only night I could go out and do something fun my feelings didn't really matter. He was just thinking... or maybe he wasn't the one who was doing the thinking....
The door in my chest slammed shut and I started to numb myself to my feelings. My chest got tight and I pretended as if he said nothing wrong... I continued joking around with him.
BUT, before I walked out the door to my place I called him back and pushed myself to tell him that I want to go out. Yes, it was unbelievably difficult for me to do that. Yeah, it's ridiculous, and stupid. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out and it shouldn't be so hard for me to say it. I'm not used to asking and getting things that I ask for in a relationship.
Charm was cool and asked if a movie was ok. Of course, my car was stuck in the ice and by the time I got to him I don't think we would have made it to a movie. We went inside and sat down and just talked a little. He knew I was upset, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was scared to say anything. I just wanted to say goodbye and run away..... Instead some of the emotions inside of me escaped and some tears dripped down my face, but I was still unable to tell him what was going on. While we were on the couch, Charm said, "Are you staying over?" Boy that almost did it. What was I supposed to answer to that?? Was he saying that he wanted me to stay over? Was he going to say that if I wanted to stay over it wouldn't really work because he had to get to work early? Brave me I came right out and asked him what kind of question was that? Was it an invitation? He said yes. If he had been thinking about me staying over why didn't he mention something before I left my place so I could bring some things I might need. UGH!!! I know I'm expecting him to read my mind, to know what I want,
I accepted the invite, but I couldn't sleep. Thoughts about what had happened the past week... the "I think I'm in love with you", and the fact that he doesn't tell me I'm pretty, and all the other stuff that just took place. NO!!!! I'm not pmsing!!! So at about 5 a.m. I started thinking that I wanted to cut out, and by sixish I finally got up the courage to get my clothes. I was being soooo very quiet, but Charm woke up. How was I going to explain to him that I was very sensitive and it felt like my feelings were being ignored or trampled on and I just needed to leave. Instead he asked me to come back to bed. I laid down with him and he wanted to have sex again. I just wanted to be held and protected and told that I was pretty. BUT I still can't tell him these things face to face. I tried to get him to go back to sleep. That he had an early day and work, and the two other obligations. He really didn't want me to leave. So I stayed. Finally got some sleep and was having a crazy dream about Charm and an ex-girlfriend of his that he was buying a book for when he woke me up.
As we were walking out the door this morning Charm said "I hope that it wasn't me last night." He meant about the tears. How could I tell him especially right then and there when he needed to get to work. He then said that "Guys always think that they are the one who caused the tears and that they just don't know what they did." He's right. It's not fair to him if I don't tell him how something bothers me and instead I just close down and get ready to run for the door and the next guy. That's kind of what I used to do. As soon as I felt myself feeling something for a guy, if he was getting to close, I'd start to step back. I wouldn't really break up because, hey, that would mean opening up my feelings to someone else. Hell, it would mean that I was acknowledging the fact that I had feelings. Instead I would let the relationship drift to friendship. I was already starting to get the next guy lined up. I replied to some people on Frumster, and now I'm going to let them know that I'm not available, but if anything changes in the future I'll contact them. The people I replied to were not the psychos who were proposing marriage in their first message to me. They were good guys, but so is Charm. I'm going to try and give him a fair chance.
I am very proud of myself. This morning I called Charm and told him that I want to go out more often. That I don't really get the chance to go out and when it's available I don't want to miss it. I kind of explained that I am stuck at home except for Wed. night and some Sat. and Sun. nights if I'm not working. He can get out. Just the fact that he can choose to come over to see me makes me envy him. I can't afford a babysitter, and don't really have any relatives up here in Oz to watch DB. If I did, I would be back in school in a flash. I soooo very much miss signing (ASL, American Sign Language), and I want to become an accredited interpreter. I also miss the friendships that I make in school. The adult companionship.
I also told Charm that I would really like it if he would tell me I'm pretty. I acknowledged the fact that he tells me I look nice, but he's looking at my clothes when he says that. I told him that even if he didn't mean it to say it anyway.
He started joking around (but there's always a little truth in a joke) about me trying to leave in the middle of the night. "Isn't the guy supposed to do that? Were you even going to leave me a note?" Maybe he was trying to tell me that it what I was doing was hurting him? I guess, I'm thinking that I'm the only vulnerable one in the relationship.
All of what has gone on this past week makes me hear my mother's voice in my head, "just because you would do something or treat some one that way does not mean that other people do. You can't expect that they will do that." Then I add my own voice and say "They can't read my mind."
You might think after reading this post that Charm could do nothing right, and that we didn't have a good time together at all this week. You would be wrong. I don't think I would have bothered pushing myself so hard if I didn't know how much fun Charm and I can and do have together. Worst case scenario, I've learned that being honest about what I want and feel and showing Charm or someone else my tears isn't going to make me melt away.....
I feel so much better now that I've gotten this out of my system. My fingers and brain were aching to get this on paper. I never realized how much I missed writing and how writing helps me think things through. I'm not even going to read this over. It's going out as is... as it came out of my head and heart.
When I asked him to join us he responded with, "What are you going to be doing?" That is not what I wanted to hear. I was kind of taken aback and I said that I wasn't completely sure, but does he want to come out with us. Some background.... Saturday night DB was with his father so I could go out and stay out, and Sunday night Charm already had a commitment to attend a school dinner. If we didn't go out Saturday night it might not happen for awhile depending on when my attorney was going to get the revisions to my papers back to me. This past Wednesday we didn't go out because Charm's daughter was with him. That's the other night I have free because DB sleeps over at his father's. Now Charm and his ex have a reasonable relationship. In fact, they have one of the best ex relationships that I've ever seen. Anyway as far as I know and from previous experience Charm doesn't really have any problems with switching nights that his daughter would be with him. OK, OK... let me cut him a little break.... I did say to him earlier in the week that there was the possibility that DB would be with me Wednesday night, but he never asked if that was going to take place.... and I forgot to tell him.
Back to the main issue.... my feelings were hurt because I asked Charm out and I felt that he was saying to me 1. that meeting my friends isn't as important as what we might do with them 2. that agreeing to go out with me wasn't as important as what we might do.
That hurt. I kept it inside like I always do. Whenever I get hurt I try not to show it and put up a wall instead. But, I pushed myself and two days later brought up the subject. I didn't do it in the best way, but I'm trying and learning. I basically asked him if he was just interested in the sex and if he was that's fine, but let me know. You see, that way I can decide if I wanted to be friends with benefits or just end it. When Charm comes over to see me we just end up having sex... Yes, it's great, amazing, mind-blowing sex, but I guess I need more. It seemed like the only time I saw him we stayed in even if I went to him. Just to clarify he has taken me out and we both have crazy schedules, and he graciously comes to me, he also calls me several times during the day but I felt kind of taken for granted. Anyway... after I floored him by asking him if I should start seeing other people, I finally got out that I was very disappointed in the way he answered me when I asked him to come out with me and Shmellen. It was so freaking hard for me to do that because then I was opening up to him that he could hurt me and that he did. It would've been easier for me to just completely break it off, but how stupid and immature would that be? Charm was absolutely wonderful and understanding and apologized and said "When and where?" Now I was the one that was floored I really thought he wasn't interested in spending time with me unless it was just the two of us and sex was a given. Wow, I didn't have to end a relationship just because my feelings were hurt. It didn't mean that Charm did it on purpose and was trying to mess with my head like stbx used to. I told you that I was new to this dating thing and I need to unlearn some protective behaviours.
Anyway... believe it or not everything worked out. That is until last night. Shmellen wasn't feeling well and Charm's friend who decided to join us changed his mind. It just going to be the two of us. I was still looking forward to seeing him. And then I got the phone call.... "Should I even bother getting dressed...." Now, I got dressed, put on perfume and makeup and I was driving over to Charm's. He had to work today, and I thought it would be easier for him if he didn't have to pick me up, go out, take me home and then drive about a half hour back to his place. Boy, did I feel like I was being used just for sex and that even if this was the only night I could go out and do something fun my feelings didn't really matter. He was just thinking... or maybe he wasn't the one who was doing the thinking....
The door in my chest slammed shut and I started to numb myself to my feelings. My chest got tight and I pretended as if he said nothing wrong... I continued joking around with him.
BUT, before I walked out the door to my place I called him back and pushed myself to tell him that I want to go out. Yes, it was unbelievably difficult for me to do that. Yeah, it's ridiculous, and stupid. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out and it shouldn't be so hard for me to say it. I'm not used to asking and getting things that I ask for in a relationship.
Charm was cool and asked if a movie was ok. Of course, my car was stuck in the ice and by the time I got to him I don't think we would have made it to a movie. We went inside and sat down and just talked a little. He knew I was upset, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was scared to say anything. I just wanted to say goodbye and run away..... Instead some of the emotions inside of me escaped and some tears dripped down my face, but I was still unable to tell him what was going on. While we were on the couch, Charm said, "Are you staying over?" Boy that almost did it. What was I supposed to answer to that?? Was he saying that he wanted me to stay over? Was he going to say that if I wanted to stay over it wouldn't really work because he had to get to work early? Brave me I came right out and asked him what kind of question was that? Was it an invitation? He said yes. If he had been thinking about me staying over why didn't he mention something before I left my place so I could bring some things I might need. UGH!!! I know I'm expecting him to read my mind, to know what I want,
I accepted the invite, but I couldn't sleep. Thoughts about what had happened the past week... the "I think I'm in love with you", and the fact that he doesn't tell me I'm pretty, and all the other stuff that just took place. NO!!!! I'm not pmsing!!! So at about 5 a.m. I started thinking that I wanted to cut out, and by sixish I finally got up the courage to get my clothes. I was being soooo very quiet, but Charm woke up. How was I going to explain to him that I was very sensitive and it felt like my feelings were being ignored or trampled on and I just needed to leave. Instead he asked me to come back to bed. I laid down with him and he wanted to have sex again. I just wanted to be held and protected and told that I was pretty. BUT I still can't tell him these things face to face. I tried to get him to go back to sleep. That he had an early day and work, and the two other obligations. He really didn't want me to leave. So I stayed. Finally got some sleep and was having a crazy dream about Charm and an ex-girlfriend of his that he was buying a book for when he woke me up.
As we were walking out the door this morning Charm said "I hope that it wasn't me last night." He meant about the tears. How could I tell him especially right then and there when he needed to get to work. He then said that "Guys always think that they are the one who caused the tears and that they just don't know what they did." He's right. It's not fair to him if I don't tell him how something bothers me and instead I just close down and get ready to run for the door and the next guy. That's kind of what I used to do. As soon as I felt myself feeling something for a guy, if he was getting to close, I'd start to step back. I wouldn't really break up because, hey, that would mean opening up my feelings to someone else. Hell, it would mean that I was acknowledging the fact that I had feelings. Instead I would let the relationship drift to friendship. I was already starting to get the next guy lined up. I replied to some people on Frumster, and now I'm going to let them know that I'm not available, but if anything changes in the future I'll contact them. The people I replied to were not the psychos who were proposing marriage in their first message to me. They were good guys, but so is Charm. I'm going to try and give him a fair chance.
I am very proud of myself. This morning I called Charm and told him that I want to go out more often. That I don't really get the chance to go out and when it's available I don't want to miss it. I kind of explained that I am stuck at home except for Wed. night and some Sat. and Sun. nights if I'm not working. He can get out. Just the fact that he can choose to come over to see me makes me envy him. I can't afford a babysitter, and don't really have any relatives up here in Oz to watch DB. If I did, I would be back in school in a flash. I soooo very much miss signing (ASL, American Sign Language), and I want to become an accredited interpreter. I also miss the friendships that I make in school. The adult companionship.
I also told Charm that I would really like it if he would tell me I'm pretty. I acknowledged the fact that he tells me I look nice, but he's looking at my clothes when he says that. I told him that even if he didn't mean it to say it anyway.
He started joking around (but there's always a little truth in a joke) about me trying to leave in the middle of the night. "Isn't the guy supposed to do that? Were you even going to leave me a note?" Maybe he was trying to tell me that it what I was doing was hurting him? I guess, I'm thinking that I'm the only vulnerable one in the relationship.
All of what has gone on this past week makes me hear my mother's voice in my head, "just because you would do something or treat some one that way does not mean that other people do. You can't expect that they will do that." Then I add my own voice and say "They can't read my mind."
You might think after reading this post that Charm could do nothing right, and that we didn't have a good time together at all this week. You would be wrong. I don't think I would have bothered pushing myself so hard if I didn't know how much fun Charm and I can and do have together. Worst case scenario, I've learned that being honest about what I want and feel and showing Charm or someone else my tears isn't going to make me melt away.....
I feel so much better now that I've gotten this out of my system. My fingers and brain were aching to get this on paper. I never realized how much I missed writing and how writing helps me think things through. I'm not even going to read this over. It's going out as is... as it came out of my head and heart.
Labels:
charm,
dating,
db (darling boy),
friends,
frumster,
men,
relationships,
school,
sex
5 comments:
5 comments:
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I Said It... Sort Of
I'm sooooo stupid. I let sex and a lack of sleep open up my mouth. I told Charm "I think I'm falling in love with you." I was only able to get a half hour of sleep during the past 24 and I get more emotional whenever I'm extremely tired. It kind of put him on the spot and I feel really bad about it.
I hope I'm not confusing sex with love. I don't know..... Charm is really the first guy that I've gone out with in the past 13 years. Do I feel this way for him because of the way he treats me, or because of the way I feel when I'm with him? What exactly does love feel like? I don't think I ever really felt it for the stbx. I know that I had crushes or infatuations when I was younger, but what is real love? How do I know if what I'm feeling isn't just the glow after sex? What I'm really afraid of is that the reason I think I might be in love with him is because of how he treats me. Am I being taken in again? Am I just jumping into the arms of the first nice guy I meet to only find out later that he's a mean controlling person? I don't think so. Charm is too good a guy.
I feel very vulnerable right now and stuuuupid. What did I do? Did I ruin a perfectly good friendship with benefits? Is that the way he views it? Maybe I'm seeing more in this relationship than really exits? Am I exaggerating?
What did I do?!?!?!? I would take it back if I could. See, I shouldn't be dating yet!!! I don't know how to play games and I don't want to. A part of me just wants to shut down and stop seeing him. Instead I'll go to sleep hoping that this is all one of my very vivid dreams, and I'll wake up thinking clearer.
I hope I'm not confusing sex with love. I don't know..... Charm is really the first guy that I've gone out with in the past 13 years. Do I feel this way for him because of the way he treats me, or because of the way I feel when I'm with him? What exactly does love feel like? I don't think I ever really felt it for the stbx. I know that I had crushes or infatuations when I was younger, but what is real love? How do I know if what I'm feeling isn't just the glow after sex? What I'm really afraid of is that the reason I think I might be in love with him is because of how he treats me. Am I being taken in again? Am I just jumping into the arms of the first nice guy I meet to only find out later that he's a mean controlling person? I don't think so. Charm is too good a guy.
I feel very vulnerable right now and stuuuupid. What did I do? Did I ruin a perfectly good friendship with benefits? Is that the way he views it? Maybe I'm seeing more in this relationship than really exits? Am I exaggerating?
What did I do?!?!?!? I would take it back if I could. See, I shouldn't be dating yet!!! I don't know how to play games and I don't want to. A part of me just wants to shut down and stop seeing him. Instead I'll go to sleep hoping that this is all one of my very vivid dreams, and I'll wake up thinking clearer.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Just Very Busy
I'm a little annoyed I wrote this post before I left Kansas and completely lost it on the computer at my mom's. This is what I remembered.
I haven't written lately because I've been so busy. Here's a synopsis of what's been going on this past week....
DB and I went to Kansas for Purim late Sat. night and had a blast. We saw friends and family and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing... even without alcohol. Then drove back to Oz late Sunday night. Saw Charm Monday.... I was looking forward to his visit even though I was exhausted and had seen him on Friday. The next day was spent taking care of a beautiful 4 year old little boy with dark hair and a bowl cut. His brown eyes and dimple on his left cheek make him hard to resist. Even though he 's low on the autistic spectrum, I'm exhausted after spending a few hours with him. That probably comes from chasing him around in circles through the kitchen, dining room and living room while I'm pushing a toy lawnmower. Definitely a sight to see, but worth it when he falls on the floor giggling. When I ask him whether he thinks I like him a little or a lot. He responds with "A LOT!" and he's absolutely right.
That night I got very sick and couldn't function for a couple of days. I found out later that there was this neurovirus (don't know if that's the correct spelling) going around Jersey. I finally felt well enough to go back down to Kansas for Shabbos. I gave a little old man a ride to shul and then passed out before hearing kiddush. Probably still recuperating...
Today I visited this amazing, fantastic, caring school. It is most definitely the right place for DB. I just hope and pray that we will be able to relocate. The grounds are near a stable and the kids ride and groom the horses. There's a pond (frogs included) a zip line and rock wall to climb. It looks like so much fun. I want to go. AND they are taught all the basics and don't proceed to a new skill until the first one is completely mastered. All the therapies are included and the ratio is 1:5, but most of the time 1:2. Wow!
Tonight or rather last night since it's almost 6 a.m. I drove back to Oz again. I had to pack up the car, the cat, and the kid. I know I'm going to be feeling it later this week, but I really needed the caffeine and once I got in I couldn't go to sleep. I'm sure that within the next two weeks I will have little time to sleep. Hopefully some of that will be because I will spend some time with Charm. Can't get enough of the man......
I'll write more later... I have several posts that I am in the middle of and I want to respond to some that people have written. I might do that now or maybe I'll just workout. Who am I kidding?
I haven't written lately because I've been so busy. Here's a synopsis of what's been going on this past week....
DB and I went to Kansas for Purim late Sat. night and had a blast. We saw friends and family and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing... even without alcohol. Then drove back to Oz late Sunday night. Saw Charm Monday.... I was looking forward to his visit even though I was exhausted and had seen him on Friday. The next day was spent taking care of a beautiful 4 year old little boy with dark hair and a bowl cut. His brown eyes and dimple on his left cheek make him hard to resist. Even though he 's low on the autistic spectrum, I'm exhausted after spending a few hours with him. That probably comes from chasing him around in circles through the kitchen, dining room and living room while I'm pushing a toy lawnmower. Definitely a sight to see, but worth it when he falls on the floor giggling. When I ask him whether he thinks I like him a little or a lot. He responds with "A LOT!" and he's absolutely right.
That night I got very sick and couldn't function for a couple of days. I found out later that there was this neurovirus (don't know if that's the correct spelling) going around Jersey. I finally felt well enough to go back down to Kansas for Shabbos. I gave a little old man a ride to shul and then passed out before hearing kiddush. Probably still recuperating...
Today I visited this amazing, fantastic, caring school. It is most definitely the right place for DB. I just hope and pray that we will be able to relocate. The grounds are near a stable and the kids ride and groom the horses. There's a pond (frogs included) a zip line and rock wall to climb. It looks like so much fun. I want to go. AND they are taught all the basics and don't proceed to a new skill until the first one is completely mastered. All the therapies are included and the ratio is 1:5, but most of the time 1:2. Wow!
Tonight or rather last night since it's almost 6 a.m. I drove back to Oz again. I had to pack up the car, the cat, and the kid. I know I'm going to be feeling it later this week, but I really needed the caffeine and once I got in I couldn't go to sleep. I'm sure that within the next two weeks I will have little time to sleep. Hopefully some of that will be because I will spend some time with Charm. Can't get enough of the man......
I'll write more later... I have several posts that I am in the middle of and I want to respond to some that people have written. I might do that now or maybe I'll just workout. Who am I kidding?
Thursday, March 1, 2007
My List
I have a list. I've never written it down until now. I was talking to Charm about skydiving.... don't really remember why.... anyway, I mentioned that it was something that I've always wanted to do. The topic pops up in conversation now as "my list."
I thought it was finally time to write it down
backpack through Eretz Yisrael
Sky diving... I would like to do it enough times so that I would be able to do somersaults while hurtling towards the ground.
go into outer space... which includes setting foot on the moon and mars... that's the science fiction fan in me
scuba diving
learn to surf
heli-skiing on virgin powder
go skiing at least one day of every month for a full year. That means traveling south to Chile maybe.
learn to snowboard and do jumpsfinally become certified as an interpreter for ASL (American Sign Language)
go to Africa on safari
whale watching
learn to fly a plane
write a children's book that I've had in my head for forever
learn how to jump on a horse
fly in a hot air balloon
learn how to draw
learn how to paint
learn how to ride a motorcycle (don't tell my mom or son)
learn to sail and then spend a couple of weeks on board visiting different islands in a warm climate.
go down rapids
finally cut my hair to give to locks of love... Charm loves it but it drives me bonkers with the knots etc.
go to the North Pole
ride on a dog sled
walk under an elephant
go to the South Pole
see the play Oklahoma in Oklahoma City. It's the state song and everyone in the theatre stands up and joins in when it's sung.
participate in an archaeological dig in Eretz Yisrael.
participate in a a paleontological dig with DB and he discovers a new dinosaur.
become proficient in playing the piano
see the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean
see the sun set over the Pacific Ocean
learn how to dance with my husband... ballroom dancing etc....
see the snow on Mt. Kilimanjaro before it melts
move to Kansas
get married
have more children and a beautiful loving family
but probably number one on the list would be to make a lot of money so that I could see my brother and his family in Eretz Yisrael and have a home there. I also want to be able to help people in need. I know how it feels to be in that situation and I would love to be able to give back some of what's been given to me.
Please feel free to write me more things I should add to the list.... I better start now it looks like I'm going to be pretty busy.
Labels:
brother,
db (darling boy),
drawing,
Eretz Yisrael,
horses,
kansas,
list,
ocean,
skiing
2 comments:
2 comments:
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Falling.... For Flowers
I love flowers. I really do. I love paintings of flowers and knowing the different types by names and what time of year they bloom. I love open fields blanketed in rainbows gone wild.... I love giving them, planting them, picking them, and arranging them. I love the smiles that appear on strangers faces when you walk down the street with a bouquet.... but being given flowers is what I love the most (even more so if they're unexpected).
In the summer, DB picks dandelions by the handful and brings them to me. When we're in "Kansas" and he's through playing in the dirt searching for fossils and bugs in Bubbi's backyard he'll pick some of the flowers from her garden. They peek out from behind his back and he tells me to quickly shut my eyes. "NO PEEKING!" When I open them he has a beatific smile on his sweaty face and with his arm thrust straight out says "These are for you Mommy. Smell them." After I take them from his grubby hand, I sniff deeply, bend down, look in his eyes and tell him that they are the most beautiful and best smelling flowers ever, ever. I give him a hug and a kiss, and the aroma of the fresh cut grass sticking to his skin drifts around us. He wriggles out of my arms while I brush his hair back and dust the dirt off his knees. Then off he goes with a skip in his step, his chest stuck out proud, searching for more.
The thoughts of flowers came to mind because Charm brought me some. No, he didn't bring them as an apology. He most definitely hadn't done something wrong. And no, it wasn't my birthday, and wasn't a "Happy Anniversary, we've been dating for three months" because it hasn't even been three months. It wasn't because I was feeling down.... I've been me... very happy (since I realized what was bugging me and I let it go ). And it was most certainly not because he was "trying to get lucky"..... he knew very well he would be getting lucky (it was mikvah night). BOY, did he get lucky.... And he didn't even tell me he was bringing me something.
I haven't gotten flowers from someone over the age of eight.... in years and years.... never got them for my birthday, anniversaries, Shavuos, when I was sick, and not even when DB was born. In order to have flowers for Shabbos, I would have to go out and buy them. Yes, I dropped hints, subtle and not so subtle, but it didn't work. UGH!!!! It sounds so.... so pathetic. That's a good description for the marriage. Let's stop talking about that and get back to the fact that I GOT FLOWERS!!!!! YAY!!!!!
You wouldn't believe how I felt. I was kind of surprised at how it touched me. The flowers made me feel thought of, special, feminine, and un-mommylike. Getting a little teary just thinking about it. Yeah, yeah it's just flowers, but it means more to me than just that.... plus, I'm a girl and we are allowed to get emotional and NOOOOO!!! I'm not "pms"ing.
It's these little things that Charm does like open the door for me, comment on what I'm wearing, give me chocolate (godiva chocolate, no less) and bring me flowers. "He likes me, he really likes me" OK, I know I'm sounding kind of dorky and mushy and well......
Am I falling....... just because of........ flowers??
In the summer, DB picks dandelions by the handful and brings them to me. When we're in "Kansas" and he's through playing in the dirt searching for fossils and bugs in Bubbi's backyard he'll pick some of the flowers from her garden. They peek out from behind his back and he tells me to quickly shut my eyes. "NO PEEKING!" When I open them he has a beatific smile on his sweaty face and with his arm thrust straight out says "These are for you Mommy. Smell them." After I take them from his grubby hand, I sniff deeply, bend down, look in his eyes and tell him that they are the most beautiful and best smelling flowers ever, ever. I give him a hug and a kiss, and the aroma of the fresh cut grass sticking to his skin drifts around us. He wriggles out of my arms while I brush his hair back and dust the dirt off his knees. Then off he goes with a skip in his step, his chest stuck out proud, searching for more.The thoughts of flowers came to mind because Charm brought me some. No, he didn't bring them as an apology. He most definitely hadn't done something wrong. And no, it wasn't my birthday, and wasn't a "Happy Anniversary, we've been dating for three months" because it hasn't even been three months. It wasn't because I was feeling down.... I've been me... very happy (since I realized what was bugging me and I let it go ). And it was most certainly not because he was "trying to get lucky"..... he knew very well he would be getting lucky (it was mikvah night). BOY, did he get lucky.... And he didn't even tell me he was bringing me something.
I haven't gotten flowers from someone over the age of eight.... in years and years.... never got them for my birthday, anniversaries, Shavuos, when I was sick, and not even when DB was born. In order to have flowers for Shabbos, I would have to go out and buy them. Yes, I dropped hints, subtle and not so subtle, but it didn't work. UGH!!!! It sounds so.... so pathetic. That's a good description for the marriage. Let's stop talking about that and get back to the fact that I GOT FLOWERS!!!!! YAY!!!!!
You wouldn't believe how I felt. I was kind of surprised at how it touched me. The flowers made me feel thought of, special, feminine, and un-mommylike. Getting a little teary just thinking about it. Yeah, yeah it's just flowers, but it means more to me than just that.... plus, I'm a girl and we are allowed to get emotional and NOOOOO!!! I'm not "pms"ing.
It's these little things that Charm does like open the door for me, comment on what I'm wearing, give me chocolate (godiva chocolate, no less) and bring me flowers. "He likes me, he really likes me" OK, I know I'm sounding kind of dorky and mushy and well......
Am I falling....... just because of........ flowers??
Monday, February 26, 2007
Shabbos With DB
DB (darling boy) and I spent Shabbos together at home in Oz this past week. I just realized that a nickname I use for DB is munch or munchie. It's short for munchkin or munchkin face..... I guess we're really not in Kansas. Anyway, we had planned on going to friends, but it didn't work out. We also weren't able to go to Kansas because Shabbos starts too early right now and I'm not going to risk getting caught on the road. Shul was out because I don't want to waste my energy on people who used to be my friends but now ignore me when I wish them Good Shabbos. I thought that DB and I might be a little lonely, but instead we had a great time together..... a lot of game playing, reading, and talking.
For some reason there wasn't the pre-Shabbos craziness that usually happens. Even though I had to cook a little on Friday, it was enjoyable. The music was on and I was singing and dancing around the apartment. It reminded me of Thursday nights when my mom would be cooking for Shabbos and Neil Diamond was playing on the 8-track. She'd grab my hands and dance me around the kitchen. It's a habit that I picked up except DB and I were listening to Bare Naked Ladies. He likes their music and just realized the name of the band and loves to say it.... so he smirks and says "Mom, let's listen to the naked ladies." He really is turning into a boy because when I read to him on Shabbos he tried to hide his giggle when I said the word penalized. I wasn't positive about the reason for his laughter until he told me "penalized, penis." Yup, he's a boy.
DB told me something that I was almost positive about. When he was giving tzedaka right before licht benching DB mentioned, "Daddy doesn't start Shabbos this early. He starts it after it's dark outside." This is one of those times that I wish that DB wasn't so observant and aware. His dad is definitely not shomer Shabbos when they are together. He wasn't when we were married so why should anything be different now. It's just an act he puts on for his friends and family.
DB started hitting me with questions, "How come Daddy doesn't start Shabbos the same time as us? When is the right time to start Shabbos? Is it Shabbos for my cousins now? (They live in Eretz Yisrael) Is it Shabbos for Bubbi now?" I decided to ignore the first question and instead started explaining to him how his cousins had already started Shabbos and were now sound asleep. Of course that statement got him thinking and we had to pull out the globe. We got into a discussion about the difference between the earth's rotations and revolutions around the sun. He forgot about his father for the moment, but I know it's still in the back of his mind. I will not speak bad about his dad to DB, but he's a bright boy and sees people for who they are without any help from me. It made me sad to hear him tell me that "Daddy is a liar, Mommy." I try to play these things down, but I am not going to make excuses for his behavior.
Back to our wonderful Shabbos, we sang and talked about the parsha, and how the mishkan was built. DB went straight for the Lego "to build a replica to scale" and he wanted me to give him the exact measurements.... Where does he pick up these things? It was finally time for bed.... I had been ready for over an hour.... We read two more chapters of Gulliver's Travels. Didn't know it was possible to read in my sleep, but the next day I couldn't remember any part of Chapter 13 and was about to start it when DB informed me that we were now on Chapter 14.
Of course since it was Shabbos, DB woke me before six!! When I asked him why he woke up earlier than during the week it was "because I want to play with you." So play we did.... first came chess and he beat me on his own. In my defense it still wasn't even seven yet and my brain wasn't functioning. Then we played masterpiece, othello, mastermind.... inside the clubhouse he built out of chairs and blankets. Oh! Don't forget yugioh. I have no idea how to play and I am soooooooo bored by that game so whenever DB isn't looking I stick another card into the sofa cushions so it will end faster. The whole day went by without any whining or DB getting angry. WOW!!!! Maybe all he needed was some time with me. The best part of Shabbos was the warm content feeling I got inside when we were cuddled up on the sofa under a blanket while we read our books.
Thank G-d for Shabbos and DB.
For some reason there wasn't the pre-Shabbos craziness that usually happens. Even though I had to cook a little on Friday, it was enjoyable. The music was on and I was singing and dancing around the apartment. It reminded me of Thursday nights when my mom would be cooking for Shabbos and Neil Diamond was playing on the 8-track. She'd grab my hands and dance me around the kitchen. It's a habit that I picked up except DB and I were listening to Bare Naked Ladies. He likes their music and just realized the name of the band and loves to say it.... so he smirks and says "Mom, let's listen to the naked ladies." He really is turning into a boy because when I read to him on Shabbos he tried to hide his giggle when I said the word penalized. I wasn't positive about the reason for his laughter until he told me "penalized, penis." Yup, he's a boy.
DB told me something that I was almost positive about. When he was giving tzedaka right before licht benching DB mentioned, "Daddy doesn't start Shabbos this early. He starts it after it's dark outside." This is one of those times that I wish that DB wasn't so observant and aware. His dad is definitely not shomer Shabbos when they are together. He wasn't when we were married so why should anything be different now. It's just an act he puts on for his friends and family.
DB started hitting me with questions, "How come Daddy doesn't start Shabbos the same time as us? When is the right time to start Shabbos? Is it Shabbos for my cousins now? (They live in Eretz Yisrael) Is it Shabbos for Bubbi now?" I decided to ignore the first question and instead started explaining to him how his cousins had already started Shabbos and were now sound asleep. Of course that statement got him thinking and we had to pull out the globe. We got into a discussion about the difference between the earth's rotations and revolutions around the sun. He forgot about his father for the moment, but I know it's still in the back of his mind. I will not speak bad about his dad to DB, but he's a bright boy and sees people for who they are without any help from me. It made me sad to hear him tell me that "Daddy is a liar, Mommy." I try to play these things down, but I am not going to make excuses for his behavior.
Back to our wonderful Shabbos, we sang and talked about the parsha, and how the mishkan was built. DB went straight for the Lego "to build a replica to scale" and he wanted me to give him the exact measurements.... Where does he pick up these things? It was finally time for bed.... I had been ready for over an hour.... We read two more chapters of Gulliver's Travels. Didn't know it was possible to read in my sleep, but the next day I couldn't remember any part of Chapter 13 and was about to start it when DB informed me that we were now on Chapter 14.
Of course since it was Shabbos, DB woke me before six!! When I asked him why he woke up earlier than during the week it was "because I want to play with you." So play we did.... first came chess and he beat me on his own. In my defense it still wasn't even seven yet and my brain wasn't functioning. Then we played masterpiece, othello, mastermind.... inside the clubhouse he built out of chairs and blankets. Oh! Don't forget yugioh. I have no idea how to play and I am soooooooo bored by that game so whenever DB isn't looking I stick another card into the sofa cushions so it will end faster. The whole day went by without any whining or DB getting angry. WOW!!!! Maybe all he needed was some time with me. The best part of Shabbos was the warm content feeling I got inside when we were cuddled up on the sofa under a blanket while we read our books.
Thank G-d for Shabbos and DB.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Cosmo's Case of Cuteness
OK, I admit it. Sometimes I read Cosmopolitan, and I'll be honest it's not just for the fashion advice. In case you've never deigned to buy a Cosmo magazine and have been too embarrassed to be caught reading one in the doctor's office.... the magazine discusses sex an awful lot. By awful, I am referring to the way the articles about sex are written. The information supplied might be useful but the alliteration can drive you to tears.... because you're laughing so hard.
The following was written with actual phrases from the magazine. I couldn't resist.
btw: you should see the euphemisms Cosmo use for body parts
The following was written with actual phrases from the magazine. I couldn't resist.
Cosmo commandments and steamy suggestions for your marathon man, the boss of the booty session. Carve out carnal time and shred the sheets with tantalizing teasing touches, romance rituals, and mind blowing moves. Show him your lusty limits using toe curling techniques, primal passion, and erotic electricity during a randy roll in the pleasure palace.
btw: you should see the euphemisms Cosmo use for body parts
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Daddy
Dad, Mr. Marine, tough guy, whose heart melts whenever db is around. Spoke with him a few moments ago and boy was he grumpy. A friend of his was running late, and he doesn't appreciate that AT ALL. Of course it's also 1:30 and Daddy didn't have any lunch yet. I suggested that he eats something before she comes over and his reply in a deep voice, "I don't want to eat anything I want to be grumpy when she gets here."
I started to crack up.... couldn't help it. Dad knows that if he eats something he won't be cranky anymore and wouldn't say anything about the lateness to his friend. I can see Daddy's lips pressed together so he wouldn't smile and I'm sure that his eyes were twinkling and his nostrils flaring.... that's the tell-tale sign. Whenever I point it out to him he can't hold back his laughter. He tried to rush me off the phone in his gruff voice so that I wouldn't hear him chuckle.
Gotta love Dad.
I started to crack up.... couldn't help it. Dad knows that if he eats something he won't be cranky anymore and wouldn't say anything about the lateness to his friend. I can see Daddy's lips pressed together so he wouldn't smile and I'm sure that his eyes were twinkling and his nostrils flaring.... that's the tell-tale sign. Whenever I point it out to him he can't hold back his laughter. He tried to rush me off the phone in his gruff voice so that I wouldn't hear him chuckle.
Gotta love Dad.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Magic Slippers
They're not ruby red and sparkly and won't get me back to Kansas. They're not made of glass, and I haven't left one of them behind at a ball. But they are a pair of new shoes. Black patent high heeled platform shoes with straps. HOT!!!! Maybe they don't turn me into a princess when I put them on, but I definitely don't feel like a divorced mommy taking out garbage and cleaning up after an eight year old little boy. Plus I can actually walk in them, and they don't hurt.
I feel like a woman. Don't know if anyone out there remembers the perfume Enjoli. The song used in the commercial for it "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let you forget you're a man. 'Cause I'm a woman ......Enjoli." Never used the perfume it smelled..... let's just say it smelled. But I did just get two new perfumes that I really like. They smell fresh and one reminds me of a summer day with fresh cut grass. The other reminds me of a summer night.... still fresh, but a little more sultry. It was surprising to me that Victoria's Secret sold perfume that I actually like.
Also came home with some other purchases from VS. I had such a great time, and a few of the salesgirls were getting a big kick out of it. I think I tried on half the store. We couldn't stop laughing, and giggling. I hadn't done this in years!!! The ex never appreciated it and didn't care. Even though I am a tomboy.... like to shoot hoops, ride bikes, go fishing, etc.... with db (darling boy), it feels great to dress up like a girl, and not think like a mommy.
I feel pretty
Oh, so pretty
I feel pretty
and witty.jpg)
and gay
And I pity
any girl
who isn't me
today.
I feel like a woman. Don't know if anyone out there remembers the perfume Enjoli. The song used in the commercial for it "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let you forget you're a man. 'Cause I'm a woman ......Enjoli." Never used the perfume it smelled..... let's just say it smelled. But I did just get two new perfumes that I really like. They smell fresh and one reminds me of a summer day with fresh cut grass. The other reminds me of a summer night.... still fresh, but a little more sultry. It was surprising to me that Victoria's Secret sold perfume that I actually like.
Also came home with some other purchases from VS. I had such a great time, and a few of the salesgirls were getting a big kick out of it. I think I tried on half the store. We couldn't stop laughing, and giggling. I hadn't done this in years!!! The ex never appreciated it and didn't care. Even though I am a tomboy.... like to shoot hoops, ride bikes, go fishing, etc.... with db (darling boy), it feels great to dress up like a girl, and not think like a mommy.
I feel pretty
Oh, so pretty
I feel pretty
and witty
.jpg)
and gay
And I pity
any girl
who isn't me
today.
Flying Monkeys Are From Oz
In my past (sordid?), I was the pursuer. In fact, I initiated and ended (in order to prevent myself from getting hurt) every relationship I ever had except for one. The proverbial fish that got away. He did want to get back together but by then I was dating my stbx. He became the controlling one to the point of abuse. No, not physical.....but still extremely painful. I am trying to distance myself from men like that. Yesterday I got an e-mail from Mr. Control, another fm, (frum male aka flying monkey) from Frumster. Control hadn't contacted me in over a month, and I didn't call or write him especially after this e-mail:
Two weeks before he wrote that Control told me he was having a rough time and was very busy. He told me he would call in a half hour and then I wouldn't hear from him for three days. Control also made plans to get together with me, but didn't follow through. It started to feel like a game, and I didn't know the rules. So I decided to write my own . I called him to let him know that I hoped things were going better for him and left a specific message that there is absolutely no need to call me back. It's extremely difficult for me to understand how a phone call from someone that you are supposedly very interested in can be such a pain...... yeah, yeah, men are from Mars and women are from Venus..... and flying monkeys are from Oz.
Why all of a sudden do I hear from him again (by e-mail)? "How come you haven't called me in awhile? I thought I would hear from you last week." WHAAAAAAT!!!!!! Will someone please explain this to me? Is this a tactic fm's use to get you lost on your way to the Wonderful Wizard?
Then there's Mr. Charm........ the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion all rolled into one. A good friend with brains, a heart, and the courage to be himself. I feel cared for and understood when I'm with him, not to mention the way he makes me laugh. And it's obvious by his words and actions that he's a loving father.
It's been two months since I've started to get to know him...... in every meaning of the word. I'm trying my best to enjoy the walk (skip?) down the yellow brick road. But, there's an elephant in the room or rather a moving van. It looks like I will finally be able to leave Oz by the end of June, but Charm isn't going anywhere.
I have the feeling I'm going to be learning another lesson.
Look, I like you, I like talking to you and I am very much looking forward to meeting you. You need to please understand that I do not want to talk on the phone for the next couple of days. Please, I need to you to respect that. If you can't just tell me and I won't call you or email you anymore.
Two weeks before he wrote that Control told me he was having a rough time and was very busy. He told me he would call in a half hour and then I wouldn't hear from him for three days. Control also made plans to get together with me, but didn't follow through. It started to feel like a game, and I didn't know the rules. So I decided to write my own . I called him to let him know that I hoped things were going better for him and left a specific message that there is absolutely no need to call me back. It's extremely difficult for me to understand how a phone call from someone that you are supposedly very interested in can be such a pain...... yeah, yeah, men are from Mars and women are from Venus..... and flying monkeys are from Oz.
Why all of a sudden do I hear from him again (by e-mail)? "How come you haven't called me in awhile? I thought I would hear from you last week." WHAAAAAAT!!!!!! Will someone please explain this to me? Is this a tactic fm's use to get you lost on your way to the Wonderful Wizard?
Then there's Mr. Charm........ the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion all rolled into one. A good friend with brains, a heart, and the courage to be himself. I feel cared for and understood when I'm with him, not to mention the way he makes me laugh. And it's obvious by his words and actions that he's a loving father.
It's been two months since I've started to get to know him...... in every meaning of the word. I'm trying my best to enjoy the walk (skip?) down the yellow brick road. But, there's an elephant in the room or rather a moving van. It looks like I will finally be able to leave Oz by the end of June, but Charm isn't going anywhere.
I have the feeling I'm going to be learning another lesson.
Friday, February 9, 2007
Everytime I Think I'm Out I Get Pulled Back In
Went to court yesterday. Really didn't even have to show. Mom (aka Bubbi) came up for moral support. I don't think I would've gotten through this without her. Not that I'm through this yet. It's neverending. This is the second judge to sit on this case. Maybe, you could even say the third judge another one presided over one of the trials. Wait! Don't forget the judge from Family Court. There goes your tax money.
Three papers are due on March 15th...."Beware the ides of March..." This is the second time that I have had papers due to Supreme Court on that day. I guess if you're in this long enough you'll be able to say that about every day in the year. OK, OK, I know that's and exaggeration, But that's what it feels like. Most of the issues in the papers have already been addressed in previous motions and in conferences. This is just insane. The file is soooo huge... it can't even be carried all at once.
The new judge also scheduled a trial for the end of May. One thing right after the other. with Purim and Pesach in between. The stbx (soon to be ex) didn't want to settle and is trying to use scare tactics. That used to work, but not anymore. I've toughened up. I didn't even cry when I found out about the trial.... there's nothing wrong with crying.... it's....well, actually, I did cry a little.... some tears escaped while Charm was holding me. I don't think he noticed. I didn't want him to.
I feel more vulnerable, but also safer in Charm's arms. My emotions or let's say deeper emotions come closer to the surface. That kind of bothers me because I feel like I'm opening myself up to get hurt. Not that I haven't been hurt before... it's just that ... Hey! I don't want to get hurt again. Yeah, yeah, you can't live your life like that because it's not really living or experiencing and then you're always holding something back. It's funny because I don't think of myself as someone that holds things back. I speak my mind, I stand up for myself.... Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say. This is just the ramblings of someone working on four hours sleep.
Went to see a movie with Charm last night, a scary one. Did I hold on tight to him!! It was fun too.... getting out with him. We don't make it out the door too often. BUT I am not complaining about that. After years of no sex..... WOW!!! Certainly making up it for it now in quality and quantity. Way to go Charm!
We started talking about going to the mikvah. I've actually asked a shaila about this. I was told it's better to do "everything but" and not go to the mikvah. I mentioned that I don't think that was going to be doable. After so many years of not having sex once my clothes come off, I didn't think I would be able to restrain myself and I didn't want to. Then I was told to go jump in a lake or the ocean. NO JOKE!!!! Yeah, right. Finally, it came down to go to a mikvah where no one knows you and pretend you are married. WHY? Why is this necessary? Gotta get into that later. Just saw the time and need to pick up the db from school. Shabbos is coming, and we've got errands to run.
Three papers are due on March 15th...."Beware the ides of March..." This is the second time that I have had papers due to Supreme Court on that day. I guess if you're in this long enough you'll be able to say that about every day in the year. OK, OK, I know that's and exaggeration, But that's what it feels like. Most of the issues in the papers have already been addressed in previous motions and in conferences. This is just insane. The file is soooo huge... it can't even be carried all at once.
The new judge also scheduled a trial for the end of May. One thing right after the other. with Purim and Pesach in between. The stbx (soon to be ex) didn't want to settle and is trying to use scare tactics. That used to work, but not anymore. I've toughened up. I didn't even cry when I found out about the trial.... there's nothing wrong with crying.... it's....well, actually, I did cry a little.... some tears escaped while Charm was holding me. I don't think he noticed. I didn't want him to.
I feel more vulnerable, but also safer in Charm's arms. My emotions or let's say deeper emotions come closer to the surface. That kind of bothers me because I feel like I'm opening myself up to get hurt. Not that I haven't been hurt before... it's just that ... Hey! I don't want to get hurt again. Yeah, yeah, you can't live your life like that because it's not really living or experiencing and then you're always holding something back. It's funny because I don't think of myself as someone that holds things back. I speak my mind, I stand up for myself.... Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say. This is just the ramblings of someone working on four hours sleep.
Went to see a movie with Charm last night, a scary one. Did I hold on tight to him!! It was fun too.... getting out with him. We don't make it out the door too often. BUT I am not complaining about that. After years of no sex..... WOW!!! Certainly making up it for it now in quality and quantity. Way to go Charm!
We started talking about going to the mikvah. I've actually asked a shaila about this. I was told it's better to do "everything but" and not go to the mikvah. I mentioned that I don't think that was going to be doable. After so many years of not having sex once my clothes come off, I didn't think I would be able to restrain myself and I didn't want to. Then I was told to go jump in a lake or the ocean. NO JOKE!!!! Yeah, right. Finally, it came down to go to a mikvah where no one knows you and pretend you are married. WHY? Why is this necessary? Gotta get into that later. Just saw the time and need to pick up the db from school. Shabbos is coming, and we've got errands to run.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Make Way For......
While driving db (darling boy) to school this morning, we had an unexpected stop. Eight turkeys were crossing the street. At the corner, no less, and continuing their stroll on the sidewalk! I had to pull over so we could watch and so I could listen to db giggle over the way they walked. (I thank Hashem for little moments like these.) Then we remembered how one turkey was outside of school at pick up time with the rest of the children waiting for carpool. We didn't see what kind of minivan his mom drove... ha ha :)
How often do you have to stop for animals in the street? Well if you're me, quite a few in your lifetime.
How often do you have to stop for animals in the street? Well if you're me, quite a few in your lifetime.
- The first time that I recall was a fawn slowly walking in the street while I was driving to work (not in oz... http://http//dreamsofwho.blogspot.com/2007/01/not-in-kansas-anymore.html).
- The mommy ground hog picking up her babies and taking them into the woods from the busy 4 lane street at rush hour (also not in oz)
- The chicken in the middle of the road (Why was he crossing? hee hee) during a downpour on a major thruway (6 lanes) in the Bronx. Traffic was stopped ahead of me because of the red light so I got out of my car, picked up the chicken and put him on the other side.
- The doe and her fawn near db's school.
- and now the turkeys.
It's amazing to see these animals up close, but it reminds me of the reason that this takes place. We are encroaching on their homes. They have nowhere else to go when we cut down the forests. So if you live in a new development, keep your eyes open and drive carefully. You might have more "neighbors" than you think.
btw: these pictures were taken in November across the street from db's school
Monday, February 5, 2007
Updates
I was in court this morning and nothing took place. Surprise, surprise... case dismissed. I wonder why I even bothered showing up. We spent a total of 7 minutes in the court room. I represented myself and am starting to feel more comfortable doing so. I don't plan on being my own lawyer all the time just when it's not necessary for my attorney to be there.
OH! I spoke to Charm about the other guys and he was pretty cool about it. I've been with other men in the past who would've blown up finding that out, but he didn't. He was calm even though he wasn't happy about it and wished that I had told him earlier. I wish that I had done that too. But it was a revelation to realize that I didn't have to walk on eggshells, and that we could talk... Yes, Talk!!! instead of yelling or me getting the silent treatment. WOW!!!
It's nice to know that there are reasonable men out there, and that Charm is one of them. I just feel so comfortable with him, but there's the issue of... UGH!!! I have to stop thinking and just enjoy this for what it is. But what is it though?
OH! I spoke to Charm about the other guys and he was pretty cool about it. I've been with other men in the past who would've blown up finding that out, but he didn't. He was calm even though he wasn't happy about it and wished that I had told him earlier. I wish that I had done that too. But it was a revelation to realize that I didn't have to walk on eggshells, and that we could talk... Yes, Talk!!! instead of yelling or me getting the silent treatment. WOW!!!
It's nice to know that there are reasonable men out there, and that Charm is one of them. I just feel so comfortable with him, but there's the issue of... UGH!!! I have to stop thinking and just enjoy this for what it is. But what is it though?
Sunday, February 4, 2007
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The Number Eleven
My dad the former Marine (OORAH!) forwarded this to me.
The Secret behind the number 11 (READ THIS!!) Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2007Kind of freaky isn't?!?!? My dad always sends me these weird things. Gotta love him.
13:38:49
-0500 The Secret behind the number 11 - Pretty Chilling Read to the
bottom. Try it out. I did and I got goose bumps If you are a
skeptical person - still read on as it's actually very interesting!!
This is actually really freaky!! (Mainly the end part, but read it
first)
1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11
letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb has 11 letters. (The terrorist who threatened
to
destroy the Twin Towers in 1993)
4) George W Bush has 11
letters.
This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets
interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing
against the
Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying
92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers was
carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 =
11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or
9/11 as it is now known 9 + 1+ 1= 11
6) The date is equal to the US
emergency services telephone number 911. 9 +
1 + 1 = 11
Sheer
coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
1) The total
number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 +
5 + 4 =
11.
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5
+
4 = 11.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 +
4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers
incident.
Now this is where things get totally eerie: The most
recognized symbol
for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle.
The following verse is
taken from the Koran, the Islamic holy book:
"For
it is written that a son
of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath
of the Eagle would be felt
throughout the lands of Allah while some of the
people trembled in despair still
more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle
cleansed the lands of Allah and there
was peace."
That verse is number
9.11 of the Koran.
Unconvinced about all of this Still ..?! Try this and
see how you feel
afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:
Open
Microsoft Word and do the
following:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is
the flight number of the first plane to
hit one of the Twin Towers.
2.
Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the
actual font to the WINGDINGS 1
What do you think now?!! NORMALLY I
WOULDN'T FORWARD SOMETHING LIKE
THIS BUT HONEST TO GOD TRUE STORY:
NATURALLY READING THAT LAST PART ABOUT
SENDING IT OUT, I WANTED TO KNOW BY
WHAT TIME I WOULD NEED TO GET IT
DONE.............. THE TIME ON MY
COMPUTER.............. 11:11 A.M.
EXACTLY!!!!!!
Out Of My Head
I've got to hand it to Mr. Charm. I'm definitely feeling better. In case you hadn't noticed by the maudlin poetry, I was down and feeling sorry for myself. Over and done with. Don't feel that way now. I most definitely don't feel that way now. OK, it took me a couple days to get out of the funk, but I always do.... this time though I had some help.
Sometimes I get stuck on overthinking (I usually find that happens after I've done a lot of reading) and/or frustrated about the situation I'm in. But, I'm back to me... smile on my lips. Not even cranky, though I didn't get much sleep last night. In fact, I feel good ala James Brown "I feel good....." I'm not focusing on the bad just feeling the good.
I even have to be in court twice this week (2 different courts) and I'm now looking forward to writing about the inanity and insanity of it. I'm laughing while I'm imaging what craziness the system has in store. The letters "IN G-D WE TRUST" are attached to the wall behind the Wonderful Wizard (judge's bench). I trust that Hashem must be laughing too. It's a choice laugh or cry and the absurdity of it all definitely gets me laughing.
Some of my friends tell me that I have to write a book detailing my divorce adventures, but I would have to sell it as fiction because no one in hell would believe that it's true. "Truth is stranger than fiction" I wonder who this quote is attributed to and why and when they came up with it. I'm definitely stuck in Oz, but I'm sure I'll wake up sometime soon in Kansas... laughing.
Sometimes I get stuck on overthinking (I usually find that happens after I've done a lot of reading) and/or frustrated about the situation I'm in. But, I'm back to me... smile on my lips. Not even cranky, though I didn't get much sleep last night. In fact, I feel good ala James Brown "I feel good....." I'm not focusing on the bad just feeling the good.
I even have to be in court twice this week (2 different courts) and I'm now looking forward to writing about the inanity and insanity of it. I'm laughing while I'm imaging what craziness the system has in store. The letters "IN G-D WE TRUST" are attached to the wall behind the Wonderful Wizard (judge's bench). I trust that Hashem must be laughing too. It's a choice laugh or cry and the absurdity of it all definitely gets me laughing.
Some of my friends tell me that I have to write a book detailing my divorce adventures, but I would have to sell it as fiction because no one in hell would believe that it's true. "Truth is stranger than fiction" I wonder who this quote is attributed to and why and when they came up with it. I'm definitely stuck in Oz, but I'm sure I'll wake up sometime soon in Kansas... laughing.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
I'm fine
Sliding down my face
a natural fountain of pain
drips salt on to my lips
as I swallow the hurt
past the break in my chest
to the emptiness of alone
I'm fine
a natural fountain of pain
drips salt on to my lips
as I swallow the hurt
past the break in my chest
to the emptiness of alone
I'm fine
Friday, February 2, 2007
Eased
Tears in my eyes
plays the music in my soul
and the pain is eased by poetry
Dreams of who
fill my nights,
while winter skies end my days
and the pain is eased by poetry
Van Morrison roos and my heart fills
with the sweet taste of honeyed lips
and the pain is eased by poetry
plays the music in my soul
and the pain is eased by poetry
Dreams of who
fill my nights,
while winter skies end my days
and the pain is eased by poetry
Van Morrison roos and my heart fills
with the sweet taste of honeyed lips
and the pain is eased by poetry
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Out of Proportion
Thank you again, Mamasita. After talking to her, I realized that I am blowing things out of proportion. I told her about me wanting to talk to Charm and she broke it down for me. "You told him he was the first because you were trying to protect yourself."
I didn't think of it that way, but she's right. The first three guys treated me... well, let's just say that their treatment of me was not what you would expect of a gentleman who knows that the woman he is about to take out hasn't gone out in years. It wasn't even the behaviour of a guy going out with someone for the first time. Things don't usually improve once you're married and if this was the way they were treating me at the very beginning of the relationship then I feel very bad for whomever they end up marrying.
That's when I came up with the idea of telling everyone I would go out with that he was the first and see how he would treat me based on that.
Anyway, I plan on explaining this to Charm including the fact that I feel the need to let him know this because it was bothering me and we are getting very close.
I didn't think of it that way, but she's right. The first three guys treated me... well, let's just say that their treatment of me was not what you would expect of a gentleman who knows that the woman he is about to take out hasn't gone out in years. It wasn't even the behaviour of a guy going out with someone for the first time. Things don't usually improve once you're married and if this was the way they were treating me at the very beginning of the relationship then I feel very bad for whomever they end up marrying.
That's when I came up with the idea of telling everyone I would go out with that he was the first and see how he would treat me based on that.
Anyway, I plan on explaining this to Charm including the fact that I feel the need to let him know this because it was bothering me and we are getting very close.
Anniversary
Finally figured out why I was so down. Next month will mark the nth year of the divorce.... NO! Not since the divorce, but of the ongoing divorce... soon to be completed?!?!?!
I called up Mamasita (good friend and relative) to whine, cry and kvetch, and as I was talking it finally came to me. Of course, she made me feel better. What are good friends for? She stops me from beating up on myself, and told me that if she were in this situation, thank G-d she's not(I wouldn't wish it on anyone), she would not be able to be happy half the time that I am.
I didn't tell Mr. Charm about how down I was until after speaking to Mamasita. He sounded concerned and kind of confused that he didn't know I had been sad for awhile. It's not that I was hiding it from him or maybe I was. I've been trying to figure out what's been going on between us and I don't really know. I've told him almost everything about me, and things are very comfortable.... BUT.... Here comes the big one.... BUT I don't know where we are going. I'm enjoying the ride, but I would like to know if there is a destination ahead. Does there really have to be a destination right now? I don't know. There's the distinct possibility that I am overthinking things (again).
To tell or not to tell..... I really hate the fact that Mr. Charm thinks that he was the first guy I went out with. I feel like scuz... but I just didn't think I would feel this way about him. Let's just say I feel this desperate need to come clean. Do I tell him over the phone or do I wait and tell him in person? I just want to get it over and done with. Not the relationship. Maybe I'm just doing too much thinking and this isn't as big a deal as I am making it out to be.
This is why I hate lying. It always gets you into difficult situations. I mean, I know why I lied. I didn't want him to think of me as a slut. I did go out and have sex with the first guy I saw. No, this is not Mr. Move To Israel. I completely forgot about Mr. One Night Stand. Story for another time. I guess everyone makes mistakes getting back out there... but boy do mine feel like whoppers (pun intended).
I've come to the conclusion that I am going to tell him tonight. Wish me luck.
I called up Mamasita (good friend and relative) to whine, cry and kvetch, and as I was talking it finally came to me. Of course, she made me feel better. What are good friends for? She stops me from beating up on myself, and told me that if she were in this situation, thank G-d she's not(I wouldn't wish it on anyone), she would not be able to be happy half the time that I am.
I didn't tell Mr. Charm about how down I was until after speaking to Mamasita. He sounded concerned and kind of confused that he didn't know I had been sad for awhile. It's not that I was hiding it from him or maybe I was. I've been trying to figure out what's been going on between us and I don't really know. I've told him almost everything about me, and things are very comfortable.... BUT.... Here comes the big one.... BUT I don't know where we are going. I'm enjoying the ride, but I would like to know if there is a destination ahead. Does there really have to be a destination right now? I don't know. There's the distinct possibility that I am overthinking things (again).
To tell or not to tell..... I really hate the fact that Mr. Charm thinks that he was the first guy I went out with. I feel like scuz... but I just didn't think I would feel this way about him. Let's just say I feel this desperate need to come clean. Do I tell him over the phone or do I wait and tell him in person? I just want to get it over and done with. Not the relationship. Maybe I'm just doing too much thinking and this isn't as big a deal as I am making it out to be.
This is why I hate lying. It always gets you into difficult situations. I mean, I know why I lied. I didn't want him to think of me as a slut. I did go out and have sex with the first guy I saw. No, this is not Mr. Move To Israel. I completely forgot about Mr. One Night Stand. Story for another time. I guess everyone makes mistakes getting back out there... but boy do mine feel like whoppers (pun intended).
I've come to the conclusion that I am going to tell him tonight. Wish me luck.
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