Friday, February 9, 2007

Everytime I Think I'm Out I Get Pulled Back In

Went to court yesterday. Really didn't even have to show. Mom (aka Bubbi) came up for moral support. I don't think I would've gotten through this without her. Not that I'm through this yet. It's neverending. This is the second judge to sit on this case. Maybe, you could even say the third judge another one presided over one of the trials. Wait! Don't forget the judge from Family Court. There goes your tax money.

Three papers are due on March 15th...."Beware the ides of March..." This is the second time that I have had papers due to Supreme Court on that day. I guess if you're in this long enough you'll be able to say that about every day in the year. OK, OK, I know that's and exaggeration, But that's what it feels like. Most of the issues in the papers have already been addressed in previous motions and in conferences. This is just insane. The file is soooo huge... it can't even be carried all at once.

The new judge also scheduled a trial for the end of May. One thing right after the other. with Purim and Pesach in between. The stbx (soon to be ex) didn't want to settle and is trying to use scare tactics. That used to work, but not anymore. I've toughened up. I didn't even cry when I found out about the trial.... there's nothing wrong with crying.... it's....well, actually, I did cry a little.... some tears escaped while Charm was holding me. I don't think he noticed. I didn't want him to.

I feel more vulnerable, but also safer in Charm's arms. My emotions or let's say deeper emotions come closer to the surface. That kind of bothers me because I feel like I'm opening myself up to get hurt. Not that I haven't been hurt before... it's just that ... Hey! I don't want to get hurt again. Yeah, yeah, you can't live your life like that because it's not really living or experiencing and then you're always holding something back. It's funny because I don't think of myself as someone that holds things back. I speak my mind, I stand up for myself.... Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say. This is just the ramblings of someone working on four hours sleep.

Went to see a movie with Charm last night, a scary one. Did I hold on tight to him!! It was fun too.... getting out with him. We don't make it out the door too often. BUT I am not complaining about that. After years of no sex..... WOW!!! Certainly making up it for it now in quality and quantity. Way to go Charm!

We started talking about going to the mikvah. I've actually asked a shaila about this. I was told it's better to do "everything but" and not go to the mikvah. I mentioned that I don't think that was going to be doable. After so many years of not having sex once my clothes come off, I didn't think I would be able to restrain myself and I didn't want to. Then I was told to go jump in a lake or the ocean. NO JOKE!!!! Yeah, right. Finally, it came down to go to a mikvah where no one knows you and pretend you are married. WHY? Why is this necessary? Gotta get into that later. Just saw the time and need to pick up the db from school. Shabbos is coming, and we've got errands to run.

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