He Remembers

I have two dates coming up this week, and neither is with him.  Both of the men were easy to talk to on the phone even if they are completely different.  And of course neither of them are him.

But then again no one could be him.  He actually listens to me and remembers.  This from a man who really, yes, really, doesn't remember things.  He doesn't say my name anymore, but a part of that is because I asked him not to.  Now, I asked him not to about a week and a half ago, and in our relationship with all the ups and downs that's like millenniums passing.  Yet, he remembered.

He said my name today and it touched me, and then he called me by a nickname that he doesn't use.  WHOA! No way, buddy boy!! That just sounds horribly wrong coming out of your mouth.  I'd rather you not call me anything or even "Hey, you."

I'm lucky.  He's my friend.  He wants to be my friend.  I want him as a friend.  Of course (yes, those two words were for him) we both want more.  Not sure if/how that will ever be able to work, and in the meantime I'm all over the place emotionally.

He makes me happy.  He makes me smile.  He's proud of me.  That kind of blows my mind.

I miss him.  I want him.  I love being in his arms.  I love laughing with him, being frustrated with him, and loving him.

Labels

So things didn't quite end... like I'm sure you're all surprised by that.  And we saw each other yesterday, but he doesn't say my name anymore.  It's also going to be extremely difficult to see each other for the rest of the summer and maybe later.

DB will be home and I will still be in school so.....  Is that it????

No clue, but I want to go out and have fun.  I want to laugh, and not focus on what I'm missing.  Last night in class was a blast.  Of course, I was absolutely exhausted and punch drunk, not to mention a little buzzed on caffeine at the same time.  If I made any sense, I was extremely lucky, but the guys and I couldn't stop laughing.  The new friendships I'm making are clicking, and it's so nice.

Love having fun people in my classes who have no problem if I rag on them and just give it right back to me as much if not more.  Guys are so much fun to be with (in so many ways)!!!

Some more men have contacted me and maybe I'll make some new friends or go out on some dates.

Don't ask me what I'm doing! I'm trying to live my life and not have it be on hold.

So I've labeled him a "bud", albeit one with special privileges.  I'm putting everything else - letters and feelings and hiding the box in the back of my closet so I can't see it and not be reminded of... Yeah, be reminded of what???

He Shut Me Down

Don't need to worry anymore about when, where, how I'm going to see him.  I'm not going to see him.  It was a tough week, and I told him what I needed.  Not only that he knows that it's extremely difficult when I don't get to talk or text him.  And when his phone was turned off after Shabbos.....

Yeah, yeah, he was busy.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.  It's obvious he doesn't want me... either he was testing me (consciously or subconsciously) or I'm not as important to him as he says I am.

Then instead of an apology, yup, he does it, defending his actions.... "I get tied up."  That's fine.  It's obvious other things are more important.  No "I'm sorry."  He wanted this to be over with too.  Although, I really doubt he would admit to it.  

The worst thing is that after he was trying to defend his behavior, he turned his phone off.  Yup, he actually did.  He shut me down and shut me out.  Just more proof that he doesn't want it, but either can't admit it to himself or would just like to blame me.

There were no yelling accusations, no name calling.... just an end without an ending.

44 Hz and 16 bits per sample

I don't even know what to write or how to write it, but maybe just by typing things will come out.  I don't like being all over the place.  I don't like having to ask for something again and again.  There's nothing wrong with asking, but even if it may seem like it's easy to ask for something, I've always found it difficult.  It's much easier for me to give than to take; let alone to ask.

Don't know anything, of course as I typed the words don't know I started singing in my head the rest of the words "there's no sun up in the sky.  Stormy weather.  Since my man and I ain't together.  Keeps rainin' all the time."  Etta James knew how to belt it, but so did Billie Holliday and Lena Horne.

I'm singing it in my head softly almost a whisper a whisper of his touch of his look of puddles and a cold chilling rain that goes through your bones and your soul alone in a house of happy smiles that hide the years of tears and paintings never framed in a pile tucked away.  shadowed blinds bleaching the wood and things instead of my feelings words coming into my head not even full thoughts just shadows of the leaves the photograph of periwinkle hydrangeas on Aunt Millye's old round table in a pitcher of clear water

a phone call and music.  I need music and sunshine.  Louis Armstrong and crackles of sound in old recordings.  Blind Melon and Mozart up next and feet moving.

I feel better.

Thinking and Laughing

I think too much.  I focus on things I can't control too much.  I need to chill big time.  AND I got some good sleep last night!!!  That helps with controlling where my brain goes.  I've been kind of negative in my posts lately.  Worrying and whining!!! OMG! I really hope you haven't suffered reading through them.  Well, they could've also been a source of entertainment.  Were you guys betting on how much longer I would go on like this???  Unreal....

So ridiculous to let myself get carried away like that.  Bonkers! Totally and completely bonkers... I'm so embarrassed, but that's what I get for putting myself out there.  And at least now I know and have a very strong reminder about what I need to work on.

And I just wrote a text to him that... I can't even begin to say what it implied.... But I'm cracking up about it.

Yeah, I need to think before I speak and write.  I most certainly do!!  Holy Moly!! I'm ridiculous sometimes.  Ok, ok, I'm ridiculous a good portion of the time, but at least I recognize it... and can laugh at it.

So that's my mission... stop thinking and then think before I speak and write.  Yeah, I make tons of sense.  Hope you enjoyed this post. I think I did.  totally giggling.

Decisions

I'm not so great at making choices or decisions.  I tend to weigh things, think about them, think about the consequences, and then try not to think about what could or could not happen, how I would feel if that happened....  Yeah, I could keep going. That's one of the reasons why I like guys to plan the dates.  I can't make up my mind.

Of course this lovely characteristic carries over into most aspects of my life.  Great, right?  Just what I needed.

I don't understand how he does it; how he calms me, how he knows.  Am I that transparent, does he just understand me or both?  I feel so much better after speaking with him, but I can't always speak with him.

I have the opportunity to see him this week and I turned it down.  Don't ask me why.  I want to see him, but it hurts so much when he leaves and I have absolutely no clue when the next time will be.

Missing him hurts.  Hearing his voice takes the pain away.  The thing is... OH! I don't know what the thing is!!! I just know that this is 6 months too early, and I don't want to have to make any decisions!!
AND NO!! I am not stamping my feet.  Although, I feel very close to doing so.

not fair.  But who said life is fair, anyway.  I used to hear that all the time from my mom when I was a kid.  And I still don't like the feel or sound of it even when I hear my own voice saying it in my head.

I wish...  I wish I could write things and they could come true.  That would be the best magic power in the world.  Or maybe I wish I had more patience... Ummmm, I think that I should work on that rather than just wish for it. But I can do both.

I wish he were sitting right next to me reading a book, watching tv, on the computer, and I could look up from my writing and see his smile.

Sometimes

I get emotional.  Not all the time, but some of the time.  Let's just say that for the most part I'm aware of my emotions.  Every once in awhile they get the best of me... usually from triggers.  So that's what happened Friday.  I don't really remember everything I said and that let's you know just how emotional I was.  B said it was entertaining and interesting.  Ummmmm... yeah.

Well, I had made up my mind that I can't have a relationship with B until our lives are a little bit more settled, and then I spoke with him tonight.  I hadn't told him about the conclusion I came to, and now I don't want to.  

What's the deal with him????  He's kind, listens to me, tries to spend time with me.  Maybe the better question to ask is what's the deal with me????  But I already know that I need normalcy.

Yes, I get myself into difficult situations.  

How about this?  When we go out on a fun date when time is not a constraint then I'll chill.  Yes, I'm talking to myself, and yes, I know that sometimes it's difficult for me to chill about certain things especially relationships.  Sooooooo.... until that time, until my hand is in his or his arm is around my waist, and the thought of him leaving soon is not in the back of my head....

Yeah, what????  What until that time????  Do I say go away? Do I say let's put things on hold???

I'm not sure.  But what I am becoming more sure of is that I must take care of myself because there is no one else in this world who will.  Yes, I am extremely lucky to have very caring friends and relatives, but ultimately I am responsible.  

Maybe I just won't see him until we can have that no time constraint date?  But even saying goodnight is difficult.... is a struggle.... is another time constraint.  It's a Saturday night and I'm in (ok, I did have the opportunity to go out, but I wasn't feeling great).  Let's clarify.  It's a Saturday night and there was absolutely no chance of B taking me out.  And Sunday is the same.

Do I want to date other men?  No, I don't think so.  Although they want to do things with me.  Offers of going to shows, museums, sailing, movies, dinner, and even going away for the weekend.  

Maybe I should just date myself for awhile.  Do what I want to do.  Go where I want to go.  I like to share things with people but I can tell them about it later.  Tomorrow might be a good day to walk over the GW or go to the Met.  I'll write it about when I get home.  

Still Don't Know

I still don't know if I'll see him this week even after spending at least an hour on the phone with him.   I care about him, but I have to take care of myself. I just don't think I am.  We laugh, I cry, we laugh some more.  And we are still in this situation.  Limbo is just not good for me.

He received enough warnings today to frighten off at least 5 men.  I'm in the clear, but I would still like him to leave.  It would be so much easier for me if he just ghosted.  Yeah, right.  Who am I kidding?  If he left, I would need at least a goodbye.

We're friends and I hope we can always stay that way.  He's an amazing, wonderful man.  We are complete opposites and yet so much alike.  Just a little bonkers.  He's smart too, and asks good questions.  He's mentally challenging and somewhat self-aware.  All great qualities in a man. Totally cracking up right now.

So I'm exhausted and going to crash.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what next week brings.

Good Shabbos everyone!

Not Happy

I spent a little over 4 hours with him yesterday, and had a lovely time.  But I still don't know.  It's not that I don't care for him and about him tremendously... I think it's kinda obvious that I do.  It's not that we have nothing in common because even though we come from completely different backgrounds we get each other and enjoy a lot of the same things.

I feel safe with him.  I'm happy with him.  It's easy. We get along. We're goofy and laugh a lot.  He talks to me.  He's interested in what I think and do.  And yes, he knows me inside out... who I am, what I like, the way I think.

And here it comes.... the BUT.  Yeah, there's a big one here.  We don't get to see each other or speak to each other that often.  Distance and time constraints - work, school, family; those all seem to get in the way.

The worst thing is that I was taken out to dinner this week and he wasn't the one who took me.  An old friend who wants to be more than friends asked me out.  Yes, he knew I was with someone else, but that didn't stop him.  I went but on the condition that he understand it was a s friends, and nothing more.  AND I mean nothing more.

I had a great time.  It's been years since a man took me out to dinner, and it was fun.  It was a real date, and even though I went to lunch with (Man, I need another name for him... I know I said Mr. B or B, but that doesn't really fit or maybe it does. So let's going back to using that, I guess.) ... B we didn't really spend that much time talking.  I don't know how to explain it.

I want to show him my favorite Van Gogh at the Met, see a movie with him, go to a book store... whatever.  I want to go on a date, and it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I also don't know how  he feels unless I bring it up.  So what if he's a man!!! Ok, ok, fine I'll give you he's a man and the fact that he's not used to volunteering any info let alone his feelings.  So let's also give him the fact that he hasn't been in a relationship in years.

BUT it's not like I haven't said to him.... whatever.  This is not the best thing for me.  I care for him and about him so much, but I'm hurting.  I have put my life or different parts of my life on hold for many different reasons but mostly for relationships and I don't want to miss out on my life.  On the fun, and love, and sharing.

I don't like complaining and I feel I do that a lot about the relationship.  Not the best way to start one.  I also don't want to have to remind him ... Oh fudge! If he can remind me, then I can remind him.  I'm thinking as if he's someone else, but his behavior... Well, it's a mixture.

I want to share my life with my friends and the people I love and I want to be a part of their's as well.

Of course, I'm feeling all of these things, and now I found out he's been talking to a friend of him about me.  So it makes me feel that maybe I am a part of his life.

What the freak!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just want to cry, but I really don't want to cry.  I'm sick of ups and downs of waiting, of limbo... of not knowing.


 

Really?

Yes, I really am happy.  I had a great day today.  I was trying to figure something out this morning and started to get upset and feel unwanted and blame someone.  I stayed calm and realized it was my own fault so then I started to laugh.  So glad that I was able to quickly move past the not so great feelings or at least not let them overwhelm me.  It made everything easier.

Sorry for the interruption... not like you would know there was an interruption.  A neighbor came over.  I'm so lucky I have neighbors who are great friends and great friends who are classmates.  And I just started a new class tonight and made new friends.  Of course, this is all even better because of him.  Because I'm happy walking around thinking about him.

One of my friends at school asked me what was different and why I looked so good.  I could feel my smile grow even wider as I told her that I met someone.  I'm smiling right now for the same reason.

And my neighbor who just came over told me that she's so so so glad to see me relaxed and happy.  I am.  I feel... ummmmmm.  I feel content.  Even though I'm not going to be seeing him for 3 days, and I miss him sooooooooooo much,  I'm not sad or miserable.  Thinking about today and yesterday texting and talking with him and laughing with him.

Yeah, yeah, you're probably getting sick about hearing about him, but he makes me happy.

So the thing about today was that he got upset and jealous.  And I'm smiling about it.  Usually, ok, I'm always the one who gets emotional about something going on between us.  It was great to be on the other side. Not only that, it was also great to see him react without thinking and making a mistake.  One thing that I love and admire about him is that he stays calm.  He is calm, and that helps me.  We all know I'm Miss Reactionary.  It was just nice to be on the opposite side and be the one who was patient.  Meanwhile I couldn't stop laughing about it (on the inside, not too nice to crack up in his face when he's upset at me).  He was so cute upset.  Yes, he's a grown man, and acts like a man (which is quite lovely), but this was just too cute!

I don't think he will necessary love me describing him being upset like this, but he just was!  I wanted to jump through the phone and kiss him thoroughly for being so adorable.  I miss him.  These are the times I miss him.  Three days can't pass quickly enough for me.  I can't wait to be in his arms.  If that is all that could happen when I see him, I would still be content.

My eyes are closing, but I still have a smile on my face.  Just so... just so... simply and completely happy.  I'm a happy girl.

More Relaxed

I've written before that I get a high from talking with him and being with him, and after getting off the phone with him I still feel it.  The thing is that I've come down quicker and feel more relaxed inside, less wound up.

I almost told him today that I wasn't going to be able to do this anymore, and then I talked to him.  Ayuuup, he's a good talker, but that isn't what made me stay.  And I didn't stay because I said those three words to him.  Although, I wrote them to him immediately before we talked.  I guess I felt that I could finally say how I feel without having to worry if he would end up breaking my heart.  Yeah, so now I wrote it but am stuck with it out there because I didn't say goodbye.

I'm going to work on being more patient about a lot of things in this world including myself, and try to let go.

Anyway, he knew something was up, but he didn't know that I was going to say that.  We had a great talk.  Me cry/laughing or laugh/crying depending on the moment.  Yes, there were some times, ok ok,  but there were some times (here's the disclaimer for y'all) albeit only a few, that I was coherent.  I really like him.  He's insightful, understanding, smart and funny.  I want him for my friend.  He gets me and supports and encourages me.  It's weird getting this from a man.  Didn't get it from ex 1 or ex 2 even when asking for it.

I'm really blown away or confused or thinking about it too much.  There I go again... doing that thinking thing.  It's just that.... I don't know what it is..  I do know what it is!! Bonkers!!! This is a man who wants me, and who is willing, who is supportive of me trying to better myself as a person.  And understanding of the struggle to get there.  Whooooaaaaa!  That's weird.  I mean my friends do that, not people I date or flirt with.  It's kinda cool.

But this only emphasizes the fact that it's not just infatuation that I feel for him.  I respect him as a person and feel lucky to know him.  Fine!!! A freaking big part of it is infatuation, but it's softening or settling or something.  I hope that it continues and that we'll be able to spend more time together.  I want to know him as a person.  I want to do things with him.  We'll see if that happens.  I do know that if I don't get that chance then there's less of a chance for.... for I don't know and don't even ask me??!! OK!!!

Hope we get the chance to see.  This is not a rebound whatever.  And who said the freak said all that stuff about rebounds anyway.  Plus there are always exceptions to the rule!  Well, actually it wouldn't be a rule if there were an exception.  Just one time would disprove it.

I was just reading an article about that which said businesses and governments should not be so optimistic when thinking about the future even with the strong possibility that good things will happen.  They should see if there is anything that can disprove (my word) the possibility of something not so good happening and if there is, they should plan accordingly.  Reminded me of proofs for linear algebra or anything for that matter.

Now, I know why that resounded with me.  I'm an optimistic pessimist.  Hope for the best expect the worst.  Oh! but now I want to also be able to accept the outcome whatever it will be with more, no, with less reaction to it or even just to accept it.

That's enough feeling and thinking for today.  Have to run errands and get ready for class tomorrow.