How Does He Know?

I've never met someone who knew, who knows me like he does.  It's been close, but nothing like this. I know that sometimes I can be transparent, but to know what I'm thinking before I do; to answer my questions before I even realize I have them.

He mentioned tonight that today had been one full of ups and downs and I thought that he had definitely read my post just as it had been published.  But he hadn't.

He scares me and makes my heart soar.  I read and reread his texts, his letters, and I can hear his voice in his words.  How can this be possible?  How can he really know?

The first rule of fight club... but he's not in my imagination.  He's real.  He's a man.  He is understanding.  I don't get it.  After he gives me my dreams in his own words, I want to run.  I'm afraid.  But what am I afraid of.... that he's not the man I want?  I'm afraid of what? Of him leaving, of this all being a game, of me waking up?

I read those words again.  The words he gave me without me asking.  The words I never knew I wanted.  "I choose you." I'm shaking my head.  I want to relax in their meaning. I'm frightened that he means them.  I want everything they suggest.

And if I tell him everything I feel, he will explain to me that it's reasonable.  That everyone has baggage.  His patience is terrifying.  His existence is my world.  I can't believe I wrote that and want to take it back, but want it to stand on its own.  I hate him!  With everything I hate him, and he laughs about it.  He throws it back in my face.  He knows.  The name B doesn't fit him, but is written all over me for the same reason I gave him that letter.

My eyes are ready to close again.  I'm fighting it.  I'm fighting the fear.  The reality of dreams scare me and call me closer... to him.

I Figured It Out

I sure did.  Now I know why I choose relationships where I will always come second or last, and yet I  try desperately to prove that I am someone who is worth putting first.

I totally get it.  I love my parents, but I'm constantly proving myself to them.  They love me.  I know that, but they have the hardest time hearing me and understanding me.  As much as I will do anything for them, it is not the case or does not feel like it is that they will do the same.

My cousins, my other cousins, my nephew, my son, everyone comes first.  I don't even deserve a phone call.  I bend over backwards for both of them so that neither feels like the other has more time with me or DB when I'm in Kansas.  I call them to keep them posted of my life and especially of what is going on with DB.  I don't ask them for money.  I don't even ask them for moral support really any more.  Most certain don't ask that from my mom.  I don't know if it was the chemo or what, but she is different towards me.

So I am acting out my biggest desire.  To be loved and put first sometimes.  I try to prove myself all over again.  I'm just so dumb.  That's all I ever wanted growing up.  I remember everyone else came first.  No joke.  I wanted attention so desperately and I got it by disappearing in my books.  Living out adventures and being admired and loved.

I still want to run away.  But you can't run away from your problems or who you are or even who your family is.  I wish it were as easy as the tears that run down my cheeks right now magnifying the screen and now blurring it as I type.

I hope DB knows that I put him first.  That he is worth being loved and doesn't have to prove himself.

I just want to make it clear that I am not blaming my parents.  I just wish.  I just wish they could hear me without me having to raise my voice or cry.  Why can't they take me seriously when I'm trying to explain to them?  Why is it a fight?  Why does someone else have to explain it to them before they agree that I might be right?

Sad.  Tears rolling down my hot face.  It hurts.  My chest deep inside.

That was the only thing, the one thing I always and probably will always dream of... being loved.
I do have dreams of it.  Dreams where I wake up content, and then realize life just isn't that way.

I feel like it's always an act, it's always a test.  The funny thing is that I'm so good at taking tests.  Any kind of test - standardized, essays, multiple choice.  But I fail or set myself up to fail at this love test.  It's familiar.  I know how it will end, the lonely ache.

Blurry sad letters wanting smiles and clear skies.
wishes out of reach in summer winds chased
by children's shadows echoing cries in sunlight games
my eyes open misty grey
I don't need

I Should Know Better

It's true.  I should know better.  I just read the quotes I have posted on the side of the blog, and got a wake up call.  Every one of them speaks to me in different ways.  "We were together. I forget the rest."- Whitman

That is what I should remember.  Focusing on the best.   That is what I give to him.  When I give, I give myself.

Is It The Weather?

I'm not in the best spot right now.  Don't really know why so I guess I'll write it out and we'll all find out together.  It could be the weather.  I don't like grey.  I just really don't.  I need sunshine and smiles.  The weather impacts my mood dramatically.

It could also be that I'm not going to see him for at least another 13 days.  Yup - that might do it.  Even though, DB is home and my dad is up visiting I still feel lonely; for him.

Ugh!  This is so so so not good.  HA! What a great description of not wanting to do anything except crawl into bed and sleep away the next two weeks.  So ridiculous, right?  But this is a tough relationship. If it's even that!  Frustrated with only written words.  What to do?

There are others who would like to take his place, but I don't want them.  I don't even know if I want him right now or anyone.

Sitting in Barnes and Noble and reading Neruda love sonnets will kind of do me in.  I want someone to love freely and who will be able to love me.  So why why do I pick those who can't or don't want to?  What am I trying to prove?

Do I really even want someone at all?

Yeah, I know he reads my blog, and this post is not going to help matters. BUT this blog is for me.  I really feel like I'm in a state of flux.  I really want to pick a huge fight with everyone I see, especially him.  How funny.  I don't even get to see him.  Well, I'm finally going to give him a name because I need to call him something here aside from referencing him as him.  One thing popped into my head that rhymes with him but I don't like that.  I'm thinking of his different characteristics and possibly using them, but I don't want to.  I just want to pick a fight with him.  Yeah, I know I'm repeating myself.  Too bad.  Is it even possible to pick a fight with your own blog?????

Ok, ok, I made myself smile, but I don't want to.  I got it.  I'm going to call him, B; as in to be or not to be among other ways that this fits.  Does he truly exist in my world?  Does he want to?  NO! I'm not asking for answers from him.  I'm just trying to work this out myself.

I really shouldn't read poetry or extremely well written fiction on grey days.  It just brings me down.  Have you ever noticed that the classics and almost all award winning fiction is sad, melancholy, and  includes describing the worst of the human condition?  It's because everyone can relate to it.  But it makes me think too much, feel too much, and I already do that enough as it is.  Just ask anyone.  Hell, you don't even have to ask anyone or even have to look at another post.  This one presents the issue so clearly.

Thank G-d I'm not a drinker.  Although, if I were I might be a much better writer or poet.  Alcohol, drugs, those seem to help.  My poetry professor and I were talking, and he mentioned how almost every member of his writing group was on anti-depressants.  HA!  The two who weren't were alcoholics.

I miss school.  I miss thinking.  I'm afraid of the future.  I want to write.  I want someone to love who will love me.  Thinking too much, is not the best for me.  At least thinking too much without direction.  I need structure.  I actually want structure.  I want to write.

So stop whining and do it already.  Easy for you to say.

I still want to pick that fight.  It would be even better if it was a fist fight.  Not that I want to harm someone, but that this horrible energy needs somewhere to go.  NO! I don't want to go for a walk, or run.

I want him, and that's something that isn't going to happen.

More Flowers!!

Wow!!! I walk in the door, and go to the feed the cat.  The doorbell rings, and I think it's (what should I call her... the swinger - she just put up a swing to sit in on her front lawn) swinger.  BUT it's not.  It's flowers instead.... from him.... AGAIN.  The first time we met he brought me flowers and the ones today were because the divorce was finalized.  WOW!!  Even though I've told him how good getting the flowers made me feel, I just don't think he actually knows.

I feel that he cares. Duh CR!  No, but really.  I feel he cares because he knows I love flowers, he didn't have to send them, he didn't have to make sure they were my favorite color in the world, and he didn't have to keep it a secret from me especially when I was acting and writing to him that I didn't think he cared.

Yeah, the words to describe me aren't dumb and doofy.  They're stupid and very very lucky.

Can't write anymore because the keyboard is acting up and I need to figure out what the problem is.  But I had to get this down because of the way he makes me feel.  I'm going to close my eyes and fall asleep thinking of him, and how good it will feel to be in his arms tomorrow.

Soooo.....

What am I doing?  And why?  Some of these are the same issues that I have had before.  But I knew they were there this time.  Yeah, does that make it better, easier?  What do I really want?

I care for him.  That's a definite.  He's relaxed and calm.  He's fun. He makes me smile and there are a few other reasons that make spending time with him......  good, no, definitely better than good. Yeah, yeah, but it's me and if that wasn't there then I would be long gone and we all know that.

I miss him when I'm not with him.  And it's another difficult and complicated situation.  What issue am I trying to resolve by putting myself in these situations.  What am I trying to prove?

So today instead of writing here I wrote him texts.  Not a good idea.  And I should know better.  Pushing for a confrontation is not the best way to handle things.  

And I wasn't fighting fair either.  I was trying to hold it in check, but I said something or probably more than one that I shouldn't have.  I was just about to give excuses about why I did it, but really those are reason for the behavior and do not excuse the behavior.  

Hurting, went from feeling special to feeling ignored and not wanted.  I don't want to say goodbye, but I don't know how to handle this.   And I need so much reassurance because of the situation, and I don't think it's fair of me to ask it of him.  So I'm stuck, but I have the feeling that if I keep on behaving like this, it won't be for long.  I won't have to make a decision it will be made for me.  But I don't think that's what I want either.  No, I know it's not what I want.

Stuck, confused and hurting.

Can't Sleep Again

Surprise! Yeah, right.  CR can't sleep again.  That's really not a big surprise.  The surprise is... nope it's not a surprise... well, maybe it is... nope it's not.... yeah, I could keep going like this; playing ping pong in my own head but that doesn't explain anything or even help me process.

I'm seeing him tomorrow.  He hasn't even made it here and already I'm dreading saying good bye.  Ok, dreading isn't the right word - although, it does remind me of The Dread Pirate Roberts which in turn brings up the phrase, "As you wish."

Drop that train of thought CR.  It's not good to be going in that direction.  You don't know him.  You feel like you've known him your whole life.  He's fun.  How many times have I thought that or wrote it about him?  I need fun.  I need giggles and horrible jokes.  I want easiness and comfortable times, smiles when I hear his voice.

Then it kicks in.  Can't figure out how to write that sound in my head that introduces the thoughts.
The fears, THE FEAR.  Bonkers - I can hear FDR's voice crackling over the radio, "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself."  You're right, Mr. President.  But there is the fear of hurting again.  Although, really? No, really??? You would think I have that down pat.

I can't write everything I feel because he reads this, and would I write it even if he didn't?  Nope.  Because then it makes it real, and I'm trying to keep everything in dreamland.  He is after all a figment of my imagination.

You, sir.  Yes, you.  Have no clue.  Sure you think you do, after all you read this blog, you read the letters I write to you, but - oh forget it, you probably know what's going on with me better than I do.
Obnoxious!! Yeah, don't get to feeling to proud of that.  Why?  Because I've been known to trip myself up.  To make life more difficult.  I mean look who I care about right now.  Would you say that you are the best choice for me?  No, I mean the best choice for me to have a less complicated life.
You know what I mean.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow so that whatever this is can become more entangled in both our lives.

I miss you, and hate you.

Sharing

Sometimes I'm just not that good at it.  I am writing about someone in particular, and I was thinking about giving him a name.  But I don't want to.  I don't want to share him, and if I give him a name that I associate with him that's almost like giving a part of him away to other people.  Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense.  But this is my blog and I don't make sense so it's par for the course.

Just know that I have numerous names that I call him, and associations having to do with him.  All of them make me smile.

Happy Rain

It was pouring out, and he asked me to dance in the rain with him.  Is it even necessary to write how my heart skipped with those words?  Splashing in the puddles with this blue eyed man.  Even though he was miles away, I could see his wet shirt plastered to the chest I love to place my hands on, and that I love to rest my head.

His smile from the restaurant is stuck in my mind.  I don't think that I've ever really been able to picture someone's face so clearly except if they were a character from a book, then I have a very detailed picture of exactly what they look like.  He says that he's a figment of my imagination.  I just hope it's not true.

I don't want him in my imagination.  I want him in my life.

Tired

of trying, of putting up a good front, of laughter, of tears, of joy, or heartache.

Wishes for a mind reader
he never knows the faces of blank eyes
waiting for the future laid out
which step leads home.

When...

When your child is falling to pieces, when you are the only one he can talk to, when the man you want has no clue - not because he's oblivious, but because you have have no energy to go into detail to explain, and you just want life to be better for a minute or two....

When you are almost too tired for tears, and you can't cry anyway because it will scare your child or he will blame himself, when your life is changing around you, and goodbye is a new beginning.

The rain begins with
an opened window smelling  of wet ground
little drops hitting steel softly
swoosh of the street
clean and sparkling asphalt
bring calm on the surface
or underneath  or wherever there is room between
the hurt, the cries, the promises and
emptiness.

the whirlpool of spring sweetens the pain
to unbearable and eyes close with the hope of staying shut

So Much Going On

Too much, almost.  Actually, it is just about too much, but I can handle it just going to take a lot out of me.  I'm overwhelmed with emotion.  A bunch of different emotions about a bunch of different things and everything is all jumbled together.  I'm going to try and straighten it out here.  It will help be deal.  

Yeah, so, the divorce.  Glad it's going to be over, although I won't have a penny to show for it.  In fact, I'm going to end up owing my attorney money. HA! Those days never seem to end.  Well, he'll never see that money.  Just like two other attorneys didn't.  Maybe that's why they charge so much or maybe that's why people don't pay all that they owe because they charge too much.  WHO CARES??

Anyway, I go in tomorrow morning to sign divorce settlement papers.  So why am I sad again?  I want it over.  I don't want any more to do with him.  Most certainly don't need him.  Maybe because once again I failed.  OMG!! Please CR, get it together.  (Yes, I'm talking to myself, and lucky you get to listen in.)  Just because he didn't realize your worth doesn't mean you're worthless.  Just because other people might not realize your worth doesn't mean you're worthless.  You are not worthless!!!

I am worth it.  I am worth hard work, and tears.  The support and friendship I have to give make the ones I love smile.  Not only am I worth it.  I can do anything.  Yeah, stop the negative self-talk that's just trying to open the door in the back of your head.  I can do anything.  FREAK!  How many people do I know that can go back to school at my age and take linear FUCKING algebra?????  It doesn't matter if learning comes naturally.  I can still do it.  I still CHOOSE to do it.  To make my life better.  To have my own life.

I will get there. I can get there.  I am going to be grinning when I get there.  I'm going to show DB not to give up.  He's got a long haul ahead of him whether it's animation, artist, or a combination of the two.  He's going to get cut down numerous times and I've got to show him that you just keep on going.  Because kids do what you do not what you say.  Because he needs to know his mom is strong and he can be strong too.  So he can see me believe in myself and learn to do the same for himself.

What I wouldn't do for him.  But this really need to be for me and I hope, NO, I know I'm ready.  It doesn't matter if it's scary or if I have tears in my eyes.  I mean - that's how I first stepped onto the campus of the school that I am now a graduate of.  I'm just going to keep on moving, and try my damnedest not to let any thinking get in the way.  Just have to quiet my head and move my feet.

Calm vs. High

I get high when I hear his voice.  A smile appears on my face and my toes tingle.  I can see his answering smile in his words.  Then comes the good-bye.  Most of the time it's a little abrupt, although he is getting better at giving me some warning.  The thing is... he's got the control.  Nope, the real thing is... no, yeah, part of it is that he's the one with the control.  The other part are the ups and downs.

I crave boredom, normalcy, routines, traditions.  I want the expected to happen.  Maybe that's why I've been turning to math more and more.  There is only one right answer; not a mixture of answers or a choice of which one is best when they aren't even comparable.

It's not who I am.  I know I'm the spontaneous, say whatever is in my head, do what I feel type of person, but it's what I need.  Stability.  Boredom.  Control.

Too funny that I want control and yet want to give up control.  That I get high from the unexpected, but want routines.  I'm a contradiction and yet....

I just don't know.  I want to know.  That's one of the strongest desires that propels me.  The need to know... about how things work, why things occur, and what he is feeling, doing, thinking.

Aaaaah! Just got a smack upside the head.  Then I know what to expect, no eggshells, no questions, no fear.  If only the world worked like that.

I was writing a text that said please don't contact me again, and decided to write my feelings out here instead.  It helps.  I do process better when I write, plus it kind of takes me outside of my emotions and lets me think instead of just feel.

The thing is that the thinking and feeling are running along the same lines right now.  No contact.

No contact = sameness, stability and knowing what to expect.  It means not having to depend on someone.  I don't want to care about someone.  I don't want the hurt anymore.  I'll take blandness and grey anytime.

And yeah, we all know that isn't true.  I live for a world of color, experience, exploration and knowledge.  How can the two ever combine?  I don't think they can.  But then that's the all or nothing mode, and life doesn't work like that either.  I don't know how to combine them.

I'm scared.  I'm scared of so much.  I can do it.  I know.  I know I can do just about anything I set my mind to.  I'm a survivor, but even better I have the ability to create a new life for myself.  It would probably just be easier to be on the manned mission to Mars then to start again.

I want surety, no complications, constant sunny days.  How funny!! On my paper and presentation about Dostoevsky and Malamud my professor interrupted me and questioned me if life would be better without suffering.  HA! Guess what I answered.  "No, it wouldn't be."  It serves as a touchpoint, as a realization of what can be... that there is better in the world.

So right now, I'm laughing at myself with tears in my eyes.  What do I do? What should I do?

I think I'll be questioning everything for the rest of my life, but isn't that what makes the world a more fascinating place?

Perchance to dream

Listening to Van Morrison and relaxing on the sofa in my bright living room.  Dreaming, thinking, wishing, for a different life.  But is that what I really want?  Believe it or not, I'm happy - with who I am, with my life, my friends.  I get scared.  Alright, I get petrified... not able to move stuck in my shoes petrified.  But as someone said to me tonight, "If we're not a little scared, we are not living just existing."  He's right which just makes it more frustrating.

It's quiet here.  No cars splashing down the street.  No children's voices floating in through the windows.  Almost like it's snowing and there's a blanket covering the world with white softness that muffles all the shouting fears in my head and heart.  It's comforting and relaxing while I drift and dream of the quiet surety in his words.  Neil Young is singing about the damage done and I know I fit into his world.

I sent him a song in a language he doesn't understand.  Easier that way.  How can someone be so sure?

I'm tired and ready to fall asleep reading his words and The Band telling me to hand my troubles over.

So Many Things To Do

So so many.  I have a party coming up Thursday night, and I have to get ready.  Except how do you get ready for a party?  Yes, I'm an adult.  Yes, I have hosted more than 12 people at a time for holiday meals, but this is different.  Yes, it is different than having 15 screaming little boys running around an apartment for a five-year-old's birthday party.

This party involves adults... liquor... party food.  I've never done this before.  I'm kind of nervous about whether people will attend.  Yeah, ok, I know, I invited 80 people so at least someone will show.  But who? How many?  How do I know what to get?  Some people have offered to bring stuff which is great, but what are they bringing?  YES!! I've learned my lesson.  Ask people to rsvp.  Ask them to let you know what they will be bringing.  But I can't really do that at this point.

I have asked people to let me know if they are coming and 5 of them have.  BUT I have heard at least 4 other people talk about coming.  So there we have nine. Oh! Plus the person I'm picking up.  Wait - I forgot about four more  - No, six more.  So that gives me 16.

Tomorrow morning I run out and buy booze, and start setting up because of course, I scheduled a doctor's appt. the afternoon before the party.  Maybe that will help prevent me from freaking or maybe it will just cause me to be more nervous.  Geez - I just don't know.

Anyway, in case you couldn't tell, I'm happy.  Saw friends today, and worked on linear algebra.  Got things accomplished at the dentist, with the car.  Still have so much more to do.  And this man I'm seeing - yeah, only saw him once... He listens to me.  I guess through dating and marrying different people it's nice to recognize qualities that I really want to see in a man.  He really gets what I'm saying and tries to give me what I need/want.  Absolutely lovely.  Don't know if he'll read this.  I think he's too busy.  He's read a lot of the blog, and I don't think he'll come back.

I like him. I like him enough to tell other people who are interested in me that I'm seeing someone.  But I don't even know if that's what we're doing.  I don't know what we are, but it's cool.  One thing at a time.  There's no rush.  OH!!!! I'm getting my get and civil divorce on June 16th!!!!! WOO HOO!!

It's great, and it's a shame.  Wonderful that I won't have to worry about it, but sad that it couldn't have worked out.  I hope he has a good life.  I intend to and be happy doing it.