Remember Me?

Yeah, yeah. I know I haven't posted in awhile. Haven't wanted to, been very busy, and couldn't think of what to write. Of course, that hasn't changed much right now, but fingers have been itching... so here I am.

Actually, I'm in the middle of two, no, three posts. But I think I'm just going to ramble for a bit, and let you know what I've been doing lately. Drum roll please.... I lost 9 pounds. YAY!!! Only 20 more to go. I am fitting into some more of my clothes, and will be jumping onto the treadmill after I finish writing this. It's not so much the weight as it is the way I feel in my skin, and how fit I am.

I haven't been so interested in dating lately, but that doesn't mean that my sex drive has dissipated in any way. C'mon, it's me we're talking about here. There's a guy or two out there, but that doesn't necessarily mean marriage. While we're on the topic, my rug burn has healed, and is now only a pinkish red mark going down my forehead. Any advice out there for how to get that to go away. It looks like I was burned... ok, ok I was burned, but how do I get it to look like the rest of my skin.

Then there's the issue of my broken glasses. Don't even ask how that happened, but yes, it's somwhere along those lines that you're thinking.



I've been having mega weird and vivid dreams lately. One of them had a 6'5" guy help me out. Yes, I know his height. Don't ask me why, but I knew it in my dream. He was sweet and strong... just the way I like them.

I did some reading over Shabbos, but what's new about that? I only read two books though. Both of them were by Dean Koontz. I like the ones where he has a character in the book say things that are so out of place that it makes me laugh out loud. I know I've written about his books before, but they really resonate with me. Horrible, and boy, do I mean horrible things happen to the people in his books, but they don't give up hope that tomorrow will be better.

OY!!!! I know I sound like an innocent pollyanna, but I'd much rather that than a bitter cynic. Now, I have a picture in my head of Pollyanna as a bitter cynic and it's making me laugh. Don't even... you guys already know I'm weird. I've never tried to hide that fact from you.

I now own a blackberry, and have been very busy with it. I've discovered how to bypass certain things and am now able to im from it. Not only that, I didn't break it or mess up it's operating system when I did it. I think it may even like me, but I'm trying not to jinx myself. The best thing about it was the fact that it was free. Y'all know how things are tight for me.

Well, I had actually come to the end of my 2 year contract, and I knew that I needed to get a new phone because I had dropped my old one quite a few times (understatement) and it was dying. The problem is that I couldn't get a phone with a camera. The ex (so nice to write ex instead of stbx) is still trying to control me, and he has enough money to keep me in court for quite a long time. His attorney must love having him for a client.

In case you didn't know, you aren't allowed to bring any kind of camera into the court house (any court house) let alone the court room. So I didn't have much choice when it came time to picking out a new phone. That's when the salesguy suggested a blackberry, and I've been hooked ever since.

That's about it for now, I've got to go to the car and take out a mattress. A friend of mine was moving and asked if I could use one. DB had just started mentioning that his bed wasn't so comfortable so now he'll be a happy camper.

btw-squeaky isn't going to be squeaky for much longer. I'm going to have a new tensioner and belt put on her this week so you won't be able to hear us coming from miles away.

I Do Know

And it's no. Glad that I don't have any more questions about it. It's easier knowing than not. I just don't like limbo.

Don't Know

I just don't know. I just don't know what it is, how it is, and if it is. Do I want it to be, and if so why?

I know I should talk about it and not just write about it, but there really hasn't been an opportunity.

Is it because of the concern and kindness? Is it because of the attraction? Is it worthwhile pursuing? Am I just letting my sex drive run away with me?

I need to know so that I can know where I stand... or sink.

Can you think of any more questions that I might have? Should I even be asking any questions?

Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!

More and more craziness... since I owe my attorney so much money she says she needs to get paid before we start the appeal. I need to find out if this is really true.

What next?!?!?!?

A Bigger Pool

I did it. I made a decision. We're going to be staying in The Emerald City or at the very least on somewhere on the outskirts of Oz.

The pool has grown. This means that there will be many more sharks to worry about while searching for that one big fish. The thing is I'm just not that interested in dating right now. I'll have to write more on that at a later point in time. Just too busy.

Getting ready to go to Kansas for Shabbos with DB.

I'm OK

There's a lot going on. OBVIOUSLY!! So I might be a little angry, upset, or down... and of course, busy. I'm learning how to do an interlocutory appeal now. Geez Louise!!! I've done things some attorneys haven't. Absolutely bonkers!! But that's life... at least, that's my life.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, and I have a pretty good imagination.

Gotta go make some more phone calls and straighten up the apt.

Stuck In Hell

the system
can be worked
if you know who to pay
if you know what to say

the system
is a lie
of justice
without conscience

the system
is for the strong
not the young
and their protectors

the system
was built
to serve people
not crush them

the system
is hell
and there is no release
unless given
by the system

God?

questions just bring more pain
containing my own for his release

NO
reason why
can erase the trauma etched on his soul
kind and loving god. HA!
No person let alone a god would hurt a child like this.

my hurt is nothing compared to his
but I am not alone in my pain
guilt and tears accompany me
confusion and self-blame attach themselves to my child's soul.

A replay goes on and on through my mind
Is there anything that really could have prevented this?
It would have happened at some time anyway

Are we predestined for pain?
As much as I love him I wish that he would've chosen
someone who could protect him
somewhere without need of protection

god has a sick sense of humor
if he wants my supplications hurt me, destroy me
but not an innocent

his wishes to control the world
are echoed with mine
turning back time

prayers are stuck in my throat
tied to my heart in pain
let HIM release them

yeah right, keep dreamin'

Hope From Hurt

Pain oozing from an open wound
and tears rinse the hatred from my soul.
A band aid cannot cover the sore
of my child's hurt, and
prayers cannot protect us.

I believe that it will end
and we will survive
with a joyous rain of giggles
floating through the air like rainbow bubbles
The rays of comfort and safety warming us into a blackened night while
we rest peacefully covered by blankets of twinkling love.

Be

Be thankful
for the nearness of hugs
be grateful
for the feel of soft kisses
be wary
of their loss
be forewarned
of the ache
be hopeful
for the possibility

of again

The Ocean

drifting in your touch

until the riptide of desire
drowns me in passion


waves of ecstasy pounding
into the sharpened screaming reefs of exaltation

Ow!

Rugburn is painful... even more so when it's on your forehead. Yes, you read correctly. I've got it from my hairline to my eyebrow about 1" in width.

But that's what you get... wait, I've never heard of anyone else getting rugburn on their forehead so let me clarify... that's what I get for falling off the bed.

Yup, I'm talented.

I Could Always Use More...

friends.

I can now add another bud as a friend of mine. NN has decided that he isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I think he was concerned how I was going to handle it, but it didn't surprise me that much. He had some tells that let me know this might happen.

The funny thing is that two days before he told me I was contacted by two people via Frumster. The day before he told me I was contacted by someone else, and the day he told me two more men contacted me. Whoa, Nellie!!! The best thing about it is that these men are all possibilities except for one who can't relocate, but wants to date anyway.

What's the deal? None of these men are brand new to Frumster and some have seen my profile before. Whatever the reason, I'm enjoying it, but a little overwhelmed. I can only date one person at a time. Actually, I could probably date two, but I wouldn't want to. Feelings could get very hurt if one of them found out, and I just don't want to do that.

So tonight, I wrote "If it doesn't work out, would you mind if I contacted you in the future" messages. Reason being because I have a date Sat. night. HOLY MOLY BATMAN!!! Yup, you read it right. CR has another date with another guy in less than two weeks from the one with NN. Man, it looks like I'm some sort of playa, but that's not the case.

Things changed with NN and I moved on. There's no rebound either.... weird, but y'all already know that I'm weird.

Drum roll, please and now for the new guy. Geez Louise! I have to come up with another name. Hmmmmm... well, let me describe him and see if something fits. He's a gentleman, considerate, smart, funny, witty, attractive (ok, ok, he's handsome) and he's got a great voice. Don't even think it because you're right. CR and voices, again. What can I say? A man's voice really turns me on.

Oh! I've got his name. He actually gave it to himself. He's Tall, Dark, and Convenient (TDC). Convenient because he lives near Kansas already. We're off to a good start. Plus we have similar views on things. He sent me a drasha (I'll have to go into another time) that really hit home with me.

There's so much more to write about what's going on with me, but not enough time right now. I hope y'all are enjoying Chanuka. I know I am!

Happy Chanuka!!

Thought you would like to see my menorah.

A Bonus

I was sitting in Starbuck's today near the door. It opened, and I looked up. I smiled slightly because it was a frum woman. She gave me a bigger smile even though it was obvious we didn't know each other. I smiled wider too. Then we recognized each other!

We did the usual girl thing, kissing and hugging and saying in high voices, "I haven't seen you in such a long time." Of course, we started laughing too. Ya see, this was someone I grew up with from Kansas. I knew she lived in the area, but we hadn't seen each other in at least three years. We both also looked very different. She had lost weight and my hair is 12 inches longer and it's natural color.

It was so great to see her! We've always had a connection even though we didn't go to the same school. She was the younger sister of a friend of mine. Actually I'm friends with all three of the sisters. There have been times when I've been closer to one than the others, but that was mostly because of distance and location. They come from a wonderful, open family that makes you feel so welcome.

It would've made my day just to have a stranger smile broadly at me, but it was even better because it was a friend. I guess it's that out-of-town mentality instilled deep inside us. GO KANSAS!!!

This is what my mother calls a bonus, something unexpected and good you get for behaving like a mensch. If I hadn't of smiled, she wouldn't have smiled back and it wouldn't have progressed. We would have both missed out on seeing each other. Sooooo I have an open invitation for me and DB for Shabbos, and we might even end up living close to her and her family. Her children attend the school I hope DB can switch too.


btw-She mentioned that she might have someone to set me up with. Yes, I know I'm going out with someone. It was just very sweet of her to think of me.

Something So Sweet

Thursday night as DB was falling asleep he was hugging our cat, really, his cat and singing to her. "Everything is gonna be alright, alright, alright...." He even sang the word every like I do in the next line of the song. "Evvvvvv ry little thing is going to be alright."

He glanced over at me to make sure that I couldn't hear him. He was singing so softly. So I pretended to be very occupied with the book I was reading even as the tears were blurring the words on the page in front of me.

I hope that song brings him the comfort it has brought to me. I cannot express how much I love my boy and that I hope his life is filled with joy and laughter. He deserves it.

Being Me

I haven't really written anything deep, no, that's not the word... substantial, maybe, not sure... ummm, from my soul, possibly, but I think that's more than what I mean to say.

OK, for what it is, I haven't written any of the above in my posts lately. Most of those thoughts and feelings have been expressed in phone calls, or e-mails, to new friends and old. I've been extremely emotional. OK, I haven't really expressed that too much, but it's been there right below the surface. All it took was a few kind words and tears were in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. I thought that it was all because of a lack of sleep, but I'm not sure now.

I know that not getting enough sleep will skew my view of the world, and I will automatically become more emotional. Just fair warning for all of you out there. By emotional, I usually mean tears. The big fat ones that well up in your eyes and blur your vision before they coat your lashes and face to finally fall off your chin and form a big wet puddle on your shirt. The ones that you don't even bother trying to hide or wipe away. The ones that release the hurt in your chest into slow deep breathing leading to bone tired need to rest.

Let me just say that for all my joy of sex, and of being in the company of guys, and not acting like a regular prissy, sensitive girl, I'm still a woman... needing love. Ugh! This is just getting too maudlin and self-pitying. C'mon, really... this isn't me. I'm starting to smile and laugh as I write now. I'm being just a little, OK, OK, get off my case, more than a little ridiculous.

Silly me. Maybe it's because I've been really open and revealing and so have other people I've been in contact with. I try not to get to involved in other people's hurt, but it doesn't work too well. My heart aches when I hear of their heartaches. I know I should just leave it, but how can I when people I care about are in pain.

Yes, I noticed, back to being maudlin. ENOUGH!!

Let's move on to different things, like the fact that I started, and have continued cleaning up the apartment. YAY CR!!! WAY TO GO BUD!!!! That is really how I talk to myself. Actually, I've been trying not to talk to myself too often because then it turns into overthinking. Quick, let's change the subject before I get drawn in. Even the word has a pull on me.


I've escaped. HOORAY!! So let's have fun.

I never told y'all about the dream. Whew! What a dream. First some background. I dream in technicolor with sounds and smells, feelings, and touch. I will also notice when I'm dreaming that I'm having a continuation of a dream I've had before. Some of the continuations take place weeks, and yes, years after the original dream. I remember dreams that I had when I was about five or six.

Soooooo, back to Pierce Brosnan. This man couldn't have exuded more desire, strength, and confidence if I had imagined him. OK, I did imagine him. But still, he came on strong, very strong, and believe it or not in the dream I just wasn't interested. Please don't start yelling at me. It was a dream. If he had approached me like that in real life, I would have followed him anywhere.

Sorry y'all, just read what I wrote and realized I can't post it. That's about all that's going out to you guys. If you want to hear more e-mail me. It's not that it's not G rated. It's that it's NR, maybe or not really X, but... well, whatever it is. I'm not putting it out there for the whole world.

Now on to NN. Since I've had some time to rest. I slept about a total 19 hours from the time Shabbos started until after Shabbos. I needed it, obviously.

So now I can think clearly, well, as clearly as I can think. I haven't asked NN all the questions that I would usually ask someone that I would date for tachlis. That is aside from the relocating. I'm not really sure where his income is coming from. What he see's himself doing in the future? If he thinks it would be possible for me to work part time, so that I could be home with DB and hopefully future kids? What kind of school he would like children to attend? And some other heavy duty questions.

Maybe that's why I'm not sure how I feel. I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling until I know I'm on the same page as he is and vice versa. I don't want to get pulled into the emotional part, and that's a big pull for me. I'm trying to keep my eyes open.

Anyway, he reads my blog. So this is basically a cop out. I was going to ask him over the phone tonight but he's not available. I think he might have read the post I wrote about him on Friday and he's pulling back. I don't know. You know what! This is not necessarily a cop out. This is where I figure things out for myself so if he chooses to read it. UGH! That's so not fair of me to write. NOW that is the cop out, by trying to blame him for reading this. Sorry....

Anyway, it looks like we're not going out tonight, next week or even next Sat. night. So I don't know what to think. This dating thing is such a pain. But the truth is I like him. I want to get to know him better. I want to ask him questions even though I am a big wuss and get all nervous. I also want to go out with him. See, I'm copping out again. Why don't I just call him and tell him this? Maybe he doesn't realize.

I was going to start this paragraph with the word "anyway" but noticed the two above it. Instead I'm just going to say that I'm not too good with this relationship/dating thing. I'm trying. I just need some help. So anyone out there have any thoughts please feel free to let me know it might make things easier.... or at least I'll learn something. Hey, here comes those lessons again.

update: just remembered what NN had to do tonight, and that he has to be up early tomorrow.

Stayed Out Late

OK, what you've all been waiting for.... the date.

I was absolutely exhausted but finally fell asleep for about 45 min. after I wrote the post yesterday. I had wanted to clean up the apt. some more, but I just wasn't functioning.

When I woke up I realized that the clothes I wanted to wear were at the cleaners. I got there before they closed, and then realized that the skirt was actually at home.

Yeah, you probably aren't interested in all that. "Get to the good part, CR!!" OK, OK, he picked me up and we went out to dinner. I remembered to put on perfume before I walked out the door and he said that I smelled good.

He looked good. Cute, actually handsome. I felt very comfortable with him. Well, we have been talking for an extended period of time. OH! I never even told you guys that I didn't want to go out with him in the first place. I only saw us as friends with no benefits because he wanted to go out. I didn't want any confusion to take place. I was straight out with this information, and he was OK with it at first.

Then at some point things changed. He was trying to convince me to go out with him everytime we spoke. At first, I thought he was joking, but when he kept on pushing I realized he really did want to go out with me. I asked him what changed, and why he wanted to go out with me now. He told me at least 20 times, but for the life of me I can't really remember why.

After about two weeks of him trying to convince me, he wore me down enough that I said yes.

Let's be honest here. He's kind, caring, funny, handsome, understanding, I feel comfortable with him, but there's just a part of me that's holding back. I'm not really sure why. OH!!!! Major biggie!!! He can relocate. Maybe it's because he can relocate that I'm not sure. Maybe I should just date him and get to know him better.

I still haven't come up with a name for him. I think it's just going to be NN (no name).

I've Got A Date!

Yup, it's true! It's not wishful thinking. I didn't make it up. I have a date!!!.

Can't decide what to call the guy. Maybe I'll have a name for him by the end of the night. Can't decide what to wear, but I'm sure I'll be able to figure something out. The most important thing that I can't decide about it is how to wear my hair.

OK, guys I'm sure you are tuned out at this point... Anyway, I didn't have a chance to get my haircut before Thanksgiving. It's long, very long, down past my shoulder blades, long enough to cut and give to Locks of Love with enough left over so that I won't be bald. That's why I've been growing it. I usually wear it in a doubled up ponytail at the back of neck with a baseball hat on my head. It's much easier than spending an hour blowdrying it and curling it.

I should be sleeping since I went a day without sleep and last night I only got 5 hours. BUT I think I'm a little wired. I feel a little more relaxed now that I've written about it. I'm gonna try to close my eyes again. I don't want to be yawning or have my face fall into my food while we're out.

BTW-I like him!

I'm Baaaaack!

Yup, I'm back in Oz. Believe it or not I'm also unpacked, AND everything is put away!!! Holy Moly Batman!! It looks like a different apartment. Are you sure this is home?!?!?

I'm a little punch drunk and wired on caffeine. I felt the need to tell you in case you couldn't figure it out. Which you very well can't. My hands are shaking a little and as much as I know I need the sleep my eyes just aren't closing. PLUS and that's a big PLUS, I've missed writing. I know I just wrote a post yesterday, but man, that was my first post in about a week.

I've got a lot to say and only about an hour to say it. Then DB will be up and I've got mucho errands to run after I drop him off at school; including court, the dry cleaners, the shoemaker, some food shopping, and the bank. OOOH almost forgot I have to pay some bills too.

Soooo about Thanksgiving... it was quiet this year only about 35 people and most everyone was gone by 8 p.m. It was kind of disappointing not to see all the cousins, but everyone who was there had a good time. I had invited GF and she brought along her son. After seeing who some of my relatives were she said that she understood how I was related to so many people in Kansas. She also came over for Shabbos lunch too, and it's great to have a new friend in Kansas who isn't even related.

I saw an old friend/boyfriend on Shabbos. He looked great. He's a bigshot doctor, married with five children and we picked up as if we had seen each other yesterday instead of 15 years ago. It's nice to see he's still the same sweet guy I had a crush on in high school. Hey! He even recognized me, and I look a lot different than the way I did then.

One of the tough things about holidays for children of divorced families is who you are going to spend them with. I'm lucky though, my parents get along and feel comfortable around each other. That wasn't necessarily the case when I was younger, but after the grandchildren were born things changed. Ever since I was little, maybe around five years old, I couldn't wait to have my own house in Kansas and that way I could invite all my family members including my dad and mom. It's still a dream of mine. I want to be able to share the joy and laughter and yes, the stress too. Hey, if I'm inviting all those people there's going to be some stress involved. I'm sure the oven will stop working or the refrigerator will break, but that will just add more to the memories and laughter.

There's more to say. I don't want to forget to tell you about my dream with Pierce Brosnan (from when he was in The Thomas Crown Affair, major HOT) and Brad Pitt, but I'm finally winding down. Of course if I went to sleep now I would wake up sooooo very cranky. It looks like I will just catch up on my blog reading. I want to know what's been going on with all of you. I hope I'll be able to write more this week, but I know I'm going to be very busy out of the house and working on papers. I never thought that I would crave writing this much.

btw- I know this has nothing to do with this post. I've been kind of rambling anyway. I've decided that I like it better when an author puts his thoughts about a story after the story and not before. I don't want to be told what to expect. I want to figure it out for myself and just enjoy the words. THEN, I would love to know how the story came into being.

OH! I found a book of children's poetry by Dean Koontz at Barnes & Nobles today. It's along the lines of Jack Prelutsky a CR family fave. We have several of his books. We really like the ones with the illustrations by Peter Sis.

Another thing... It looks like I'm going to be taking a course on Orton-Gillingham, which deals with methods of helping dyslexic children learn to read. Soooo excited. It will help me to help DB. Then I can also tutor and make some MUCH needed money.

Happiness Is A...

...good book, and all the books I've read by Harlan Ellison are included in that category.

I just got a new one today. A special treat because someone had given DB some books we already had at home. We returned them and I let him pick out some for himself. Then I got one.

HOORAY!! It's mine. It doesn't have to be returned at a specific time. The local library doesn't have that great an assortment of Science Fiction. I can read it now and then choose to read it again in two months without having to be concerned that it's been checked out. I can take it with me into the tub and not have to worry about drops of water on the pages. I can savor it along with chocolate chip cookies and care less about the crumbs that fall.

I've got a huge crush on Harlan Ellison. How could I not when he writes the way he does? This book is a compilation of some of his short stories but with an introduction before each one. I totally love (I was trying to come up with a different description but this is what stuck) when an author does this. You can look into his mind and heart and see how he ticks or tocks.

For all you people who kind of tuned out as soon as you saw the words Science Fiction, WAKE UP!!! This man is one of the greatest short story writers. I feel like a fool trying to use the same words he does in describing him. The words that he transforms into thoughts of gold or dung however you choose to see it. He holds no punches and faces the world with his wicked humor and enduring hope. Yes, Mr. Ellison, your hope is evident as much as you might want to hide it and shovel it under the sarcasm of events that your characters endure. This hope, to quote you, is that "you are not alone"... even with your deepest fears.

Going to stop writing and start reading letting my mind follow along with his.

Again

I've been tagged by MAK so here goes:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself: some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and list their names and link to them.
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.


1. Since y'all know I'm weird to begin with, the fact that one of my nicknames used to be superchicken shouldn't surprise you.

2. I've become friends with the people who work for the collection agencies. I owe a lot of money. That's what happens when you get divorced, and I get weekly calls from some of the same people.

3. My brother does a great Redd Foxx imitation.

4. I used to dream I was an Indian Princess that was captured and I was adopted by my mom and dad, but someday I would be returned to the tribe to live in a tee pee and ride wild horses.

5. I shop for DB's clothes at least a year in advance at end of season sales, and I buy t-shirts for myself at the same time. It looks like this year I will be buying the same size for both of us.

6. Computers don't like me. No, they haven't told me that. I'm just assuming it from their actions.

7. Exercise and high doses of B vitamins keep my pms at bay.



I tag Rafi, Scraps, Jameel, Cat, Doc, Hesh, Frumhouse

A Case Of The I Wants

I want a loving man
arms around me
lips on mine
eyes of understanding

I want a family of children
sticky hands on my shoulders
laughing faces
mischevious eyes

I want a dream fulfilled
heartaches soothed
emptiness erased
tearful eyes of joy

but

you don't always get what you want

Tagged!

I was tagged by Frum House to do "the eight". This post took much longer than expected because I felt the need to explain my choices which is really another one of my passions... understanding the reason why about something.


8 passions in my life:

My family, especially DB - This means being a good daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a good mother, and being a good mother includes not talking bad about DB's father to or around DB

Sex/men - Enjoying, appreciating, accepting and understanding (well, trying to understand) the differences between men and women and revelling in them.

Smiling/being able to laugh at most anything

Children - being with them, sometimes acting like one and viewing the world through their eyes

Reading - It was an escape for me when I was a child and I didn't want to/wasn't able to face the hurt in the world. It still is. Plus books are a source of knowledge and "if you can read a book you can do anything" - CR's mom

Judging someone favorably. You never know what they're going through or have been through.

Enjoying the world around me and being thankful for the ability to enjoy it which includes sunsets, water, wind, people

loving unconditionally and often - most definitely includes hugs and kisses... yummy.

If I could add something here it would be manners. They show that you respect, care about and are considerate of the people around you.


8 things I often say:

I don't know. What do you think? Let's go look it up. - I say this to DB to show him that adults don't know everything... no one does and that there's nothing wrong with admitting it, but then you have to go find the answer.

I'm not promising, but I'll do my best. - I DO NOT promise!!! I've been disappointed to many times by people who have promised things to me and I will not hurt anyone the same way.

Stooooooop it!!!! - said with laughter in my voice

OK, I admit it. You're right.

Bet you a nickel - in my family the most we bet, actually the only amount we bet is a nickel.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. - I say this to people when I'm wrong (No duh, CR), and that includes DB. I want him to understand that everyone deserves an apology even children.

All I care about is that you tried your best. - The result (sometimes) doesn't matter if you have tried and tried to do your best at something.

Thank you, Hashem. - I say this when I find something, when I see DB's smile, when I realize just how lucky I am, whenever and wherever.


8 books I read recently:

Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities of Travel Through Time by J. Richard Gott - I am a geek and am actually enjoying learning physics or some of the concepts. This book explains how and if certain famous science fiction stories of time travel could work or not work.

Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion; The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech

Brother Odd by Dean Koontz. - I really enjoy his books. OK, that's an understatement. They are filled with love, determination, facing your fears, humor, and belief in the human race.

The EVERYTHING Parent's Guide to Children With Dyslexia by Abigail Marshall. - An amazing book that's filled with so much useful information about understanding and helping a child with dyslexia

If I Ran The Zoo by Dr. Seuss. - DB's choice for a bedtime story last night.

Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen - I'm a sucker for romance.

Between Parent And Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott revised and updated - A wonderful parenting book that teaches among other things not to blame just to acknowledge and move forward.

New York Civil Practice Law and Rules (2003 Redbook) and case law regarding divorce and child custody issues. I wish I was able to afford LexisNexis online. It would make my life so much easier. And yes, I know I need a newer version of the CPLR.


8 songs that mean something to me:

I Love You A Bushel And A Peck from Guys And Dolls - My mother still sings it to me and just about everyone else. I've adopted the practice and have passed it down to DB and some of his cousins.

Put Your Shoes On, Lucy by Petula Clark - We sing it when we are getting dressed and getting ready to go out.

Marine Corp Anthem - My father used to sing it to my brother and me as a lullaby.

It's An Outrage! from Oklahoma! - DB sings it by heart and with the exact accents, tones, inflections and actions as the actors.

My Little Boy words and music by my mom. - It was originally titled My Little Pearl but when my brother was born she would sing it to him as My Little Boy. I've added another verse specifically for DB.

Now Run Along Home And Jump Into Bed - My mother would sing it to us as the first lullaby of the night. She usually continued with at least one more song when putting us to sleep as children.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright music and words by my mom. The explanation about why I love this song is in this post.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond - Thursday nights cooking for Shabbos and dancing around the kitchen with my momand brother.


8 Qualities I look for in a friend:

Non-judgemental/acceptance

loving (which means giving of yourself without expecting anything in return)

making yourself available

sense of humor/fun-loving

understanding or trying to understand

ability to listen

kindness/caring

forgiveness


8 people I tag:

Tr8ergirl
Chaverah
Ellie
Curly Girl
Sarah
Shosh
Jack
Smoo
Lubab

I've realized that most of what I've written in this post has to do with being an example for DB so that he will one day grow up to be a happy, loving, considerate, caring man surrounded by others who feel the same for him.

Can You Find The Post?

I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm having more sex than the person writing me. I hate to disappoint you guys, but it's just not true. I've also been told that I had sex with two different people in the same week, but it's not the case either. Of course, I could be wrong, but you would have to prove it to me.

I've had sex twice in the last two months. Before that I had sex once after 4 months. I'll do the math for you. That's a total of three times within 6 months. If you can show me differently in my posts then I will have to believe you, but I don't see that happening.

I might want to have a lot of sex, but I'm not getting it. I wish the opposite was true. Actually, I wish that I would meet Mr. Right and have all the sex you guys think I'm having.

Online Dating

The guys who made this video won a contest to meet the singer, Brad Paisley. I just remembered this song after I finished reading NJG's post about lying on your dating profile.

I don't lie on my profile. As a matter of fact, I go out of my way to make sure that the men reading it know exactly how old I am. They are going to find out sooner or later anyway.

I like the line about having a threesome.

A Surprise Visit

I met BGB, and I never really expected that to happen. I got a phone call around 10:30 last night that he was near my neighborhood... or so he said. He was actually a good 20-30 minutes away, but he wanted to know if I wanted to come out with him and a friend of his. I really don't get out that often and to go out with people I enjoy sounded like fun.

We didn't go too far just to the pizza shop where we had a "discussion" about my jacket and shirt and the color orange and tan. It turns out that BGB and his friend were not that well versed in colors, but the guys working behind the counter were. If I recall correctly, they said that my jacket was orange and even BGB's friend agreed to that after he got a bottle of Sunkist and put it up against my jacket. I think I'm owed a nickel.

Before I go any further in this post I have to say that they both did something that made me feel so good about knowing them. They said their brochos (blessings) on their food out loud. I know I didn't. I was feeling a little shy, but this is something that is important to me. I am medadek about DB saying brochos and especially about him saying them out loud wherever we are. I do it too.

Yes, I know it shouldn't have mattered who I was with and I've learned a lesson from that. From now on I will say my brochos out loud. It's funny because there are times when I'm not sure of the correct bracha and I even carry around a brochos book with me so I can check. Yes, I went to Bais Yaakov. Yes, we had a yearly B'rochos Bee in second and third grade, but it wasn't encouraged aside from that.

DB is used to saying his B'rochos so that when he asks for a drink of water at night he will say the b'racha in his sleep and drink with his eyes closed. It makes me very proud. He's also very aware of whether or not I say amein to his b'rochos.

Anyway, it was wonderful to see these two men say b'rochos out loud, and I hope DB will do that when he is grown.

OK, back to the post.

We left or rather the pizza store was closing and we had no choice but to go. So we hung out in the car for a couple hours listening to music and talking. I felt like I was in high school again, out with my friends on a Sat. night, with nowhere to go but not ready to say good night. It was so much fun. I did a lot of laughing and felt so at ease with them. We got along great and I even got a poem about my name out of it. BGB's friend wrote it. Sorry, you guys can't see it. He used my real name. Oh! I should've had him do it with "Come Running"... maybe next time.

When they dropped me off BGB walked me back to my apartment like a gentleman. NO! There was no goodnight kiss or anything else. Yeah, yeah, I know what you guys were thinking. But it wasn't like that. It was just what I needed and I don't remember if I said thank you to them. Ugh! That is so not like me! As soon as I know that BGB is awake I'm going to call him and make sure that he knows that I had a wonderful time and he should relay that to his friend.

I went to bed smiling.

Booty Call

Chassidish and I have been keeping in touch with short "how are you" e-mails when we see each other on Frumster, but last night I got a call from him. I didn't expect it, but it was nice to hear his voice. After talking about kids and joking around for awhile, I finally asked him about why he had stopped calling so suddenly.

I completely understood when he said that he was starting to feel things and since he couldn't relocate he needed some space. He had started off the conversation with, "Are you going out with anyone?" Then he progressed to "Are you still going to be relocating to Kansas?" I answered him no to the first question and yes to the second.

He started joking around and asked me again about relocating. Then he mentioned that he missed me. I was a little surprised at that. Yes, I know men have feelings too. I'm just not usually privy to them especially when they concern me. I asked him how his dating was going and he said he had a few "friends" but no one to date for tachlis. So he's getting some, but wants more from a relationship.

We slipped easily into the flirting and double entendres and I found out he was still at work. It was late, but he usually works late. I told him to go home, but why go home when there's no one there? His voice got deeper (y'all know how voices do it for me), and he said he would go home if I would meet him there. I started laughing and then coughing. My cold got a little worse last night.

"There's no way I'm leaving my bed tonight," was what I said, and he immediately retorted, "That's OK I'll join you there." My coughing started again because the laughter did too. I didn't answer so he tried a roundabout way to get into my bed. He said he couldn't decide if he should head home or to me. I told him to go home, but he finally said he didn't want to and went into specifics which I will NOT elaborate on.

It was kind of flattering and tempting, but I had the feeling that if we started fooling around again it might get hard (pun intended) for him feelings-wise. He's a good guy and I didn't want him to get hurt even though it would've been fun.... a lot of fun.

You Give Me Fever

DB is sick with fever, croupy cough and all the good stuff, and like the good boy I'm teaching him to be he's decided to share with me.... just the fever. I'm prone to croup. Yes, I'm an adult, but for some strange reason I can still get croupy. My second year in Eretz Yisrael I had to go to the hospital it was so bad. I'm relieved that I only have the hot feeling on my eyelids right now and not the cough.

It looks like we'll be spending the tomorrow inside watching PBS and The Price Is Right on tv while on the sofa wrapped in a blanket. Don't forget the orange juice, tea and honey and popsicles.

Welcome To The World!!

MAZEL TOV!!!! MAZEL TOV!!!!

Shmellen had a beautiful baby boy! Hooray! Both Mommy and baby (JS) are fine and healthy. Don't really have time to write more. I'm extremely busy, but I couldn't let this wonderful occasion pass by without saying anything. xoxoxoxox I love you guys!

Ticket To Ride

I just remembered that I have a roundtrip plane ticket that I haven't used yet. It was bought for me by a potential date and never used. He came to see me instead, and that's about where it ended.

Anyway, I've got a ticket with nowhere to go. I can take a trip. WOW!!! I can take off and just forget about things. Maybe I'll go out west skiing. Aaah! Gotta love powder! Or maybe I'll go to an Island somewhere and bask in the sun. Just thinking about it makes me feel so free. Any suggestions???

Five Things

...you wouldn't know about me from reading my Frumster profile. I got tagged by WebGirl

1) I get lonely

2) I talk in my sleep. I haven't ever heard myself, but I've been told this on several occasions.

3) I love cashmere, but can't really afford it right now. I do have a rainbow collections of cashmere sweaters in my closet, but I would love some cashmere pj's... yummy softness right next to your skin.

4) As much as compliments tend to make me feel uncomfortable I like to hear them from the man in my life.

5) Staying at home cuddling on the sofa reading or watching a movie makes me just as happy as being out with my friends.

I tag Sweet Rose, ~Sarah~, Passionate Life, DaBoys including DaGirl, Frum Satire

Selling Myself

Someone who wants me with my passion mirrored in his eyes
I won't sell myself. This is who I am, and I want a man to revel in that. I want to know everything about him be able to spot him a city block away just by his walk. To know his laugh as a rumble of joy and crinkling of eyes.

I want his arms around me. surrounding me, enclosing us. the two into one. the quiet breathing of sleep next to me waking to the smile of sun through slotted blinds and birds on windowsills.

Peaches

I enjoy eating. Yes, I know most people do. I also like almost every food out there, and I'm willing to try just about everything once.

We have a rule in our family that you have to at least try it. If you don't like it you don't have to finish it. DB has discovered many foods that he likes because of this rule. The flip side is that I have had to try Slurpees with every flavor mixed together. Ugh! It tastes worse than cough medicine. I've also had to try DB's creations in the kitchen which is why he is learning to cook... some of those creations were horrible and that's an understatement. I think he came up with them just so he could see the faces I make when I put them in my mouth.

DB will eat just about anything I serve him. He's not a chicken fingers and french fries only kid. He likes fish (no, not just fish sticks), steak, veal, vegetables and fruit, but he doesn't like peaches. I'm to blame. Peaches are just too fuzzy for me. Oh! I forgot about raisins. They remind me of bugs and I just don't eat them mixed in foods. I will eat them out of the box though.

We both love frozen blueberries and Pink Lady apples. And the fact that he's my kid means that chocolate is a favorite food group. Just don't serve us a peach pie with raisins.

Friends

Yup, we're friends. At least that's the way I feel. If we don't end up going out, I will still be content. He's a good guy and that's an extremely high compliment in my book. There are some major differences in the way we each approach dating and whether or not we analyze everything or just go out and experience life. It doesn't matter. I understand where he's coming from, and I feel that he "gets" me.

Something inside of me clicked tonight. I saw him more as a friend, someone I could count on to share good times and bad. I can see myself being friends with him forever. He's easy to talk to and really listens... even if he does go "hmmmmm" while I'm talking. It makes me feel like I'm at the doctor's when he does that.

We haven't met face to face yet, but have spent hours upon hours on the phone. I'll let you know if we do ever manage to go out.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I care about him and enjoy him. No, not in that way. I'm not always thinking about sex. Yeah, yeah, I know... it might not be always but sex is on my mind most of the time.

btw-I wonder what his lips taste like?

A Bonus OR Mitzvah Goreres Mitzvah (One Good Deed Follows Another)

I had been meaning to write about this for quite some time, but never got around to it. Walking around yesterday, doing errands, and dealing with people reminded me of it. I love the way most people turn beautiful when they smile; a real smile that reaches their eyes, that is. Someone who looks unapproachable or just not pleasant automatically becomes accessible as soon as their lips turn upward.


I smile at everyone, well, almost everyone. It's who I am. At one point in my life it was extremely difficult to look people in the eye, even more so if they were strangers. Since I've made it past that point, I enjoy the ability to look and interact with people. It doesn't matter what they're wearing or if they are standing behind a counter ringing up a sale. I even smile at the homeless and down on their luck. They're people too and probably appreciate the smile more because they don't get that kind interaction that often.

So here are two stories about the homeless. First the background. I don't have that much money, and I've dealt with addicts so I do not give cash or checks to people. I do, however, make sure to carry food with me, in the car, in my pocketbook, or in my pocket. Usually it's whatever DB is taking to schools for snacks that week, fruit rolls, pretzels, and if it's cool out I will keep apples in the car. I eat them too when I get hungry.

There are usually homeless people near off ramps of the major highways, and I ask them first before I hand them food. Just because they're poor doesn't mean that they aren't picky. Then I give them the food and, "Have a nice day, Sir." Why not? Hashem made them too. They deserve respect if only for that reason. Usually after they hear that they give an even bigger smile and stand a little straighter. Yes, I do this for selfish reasons. It makes me feel good to make other people feel good. It always eats at my heart to see someone living on the street. I know how easy it actually is to get there. No, I've never been homeless, but in housing court and possibly evicted without somewhere to go comes darn close.



I was leaving Shmellen's apt. in the city and a man was holding a cup with change and jingling it. He was dressed in clean clothes and didn't really look like he needed it, but who's to say he didn't have a chance to shower and get some new clothes from a shelter. It just so happened that I didn't have food in my pocketbook. The sun had just set. The lights were coming on in the city and the street vendors were packing up.

I asked the gentleman if he would like a banana or two from the fruit cart. He immediately answered yes and I realized that maybe he would like something instead of a banana. Maybe he doesn't like them. I found out that he prefers peaches and I asked for two of them. The man who obviously owned the business instructed his employee to take from a certain box, and I could tell that those were the good peaches.

Once again, I wasn't thinking and I started to hand the peaches to the gentleman. The employee asked him if he would like them in a bag, and the answer was yes. Duh, CR. The owner who had continued packing up added two plums to the bag free of charge without letting the homeless man see. I noticed and made sure to thank him after the gentleman walked away. He tried to shrug it off, but I made sure he knew that it was something good that he did. I gave him a big smile too. He smiled back, and you could see that giving the extra fruit had made him feel good. From the way he acted it looked like he might do that in the future.

As my mother says I got "a bonus"; the appreciation from the gentleman, the extra fruit and the smile from the owner.

I'll write the other story later...

Oh!

What a beautiful morning!

btw-it's a link... click on it

Can't Get Enough

I don't know if other people experience this, but when I'm with a good friend we could talk for hours about nothing and everything. I stopped by True Blue's (TB) house on Friday. Yup, it looks like she's stuck with those initials. I wanted to drop off some lipstick I bought for her quite awhile back. On my way over I asked her if she might have something I could borrow to wear to a wedding. I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to pick up a hot chocolate for her and by the time I got to her house there were 2 dresses hanging from her bedroom door, 5 skirts on the bed, and two sweaters with them. After trying on a couple of things she and I decided that I should wear the skirt and sweater.

Even though she works from home on Friday, she's still insanely busy, but we started to talk. Once we get started it's hard to stop us. We both have busy lives, and when we have the chance to catch up we grab it. We started talking about the kids, jobs, my dating, her pregnancy, and anything else that came to mind. If not for Shabbos coming and her job we would've gone on for at least two more hours. As it was if felt like the hours we spent flew by.

I have to say that she is such a wonderful sweet person. But most certainly not sickly sweet. I admire her tremendously, and sometimes wish I were more like her. I hope that when I move from Oz if I can't make it to Kansas I'll at least be able to live near her. That would mean that I wouldn't nap on Shabbos afternoon, but I wouldn't complain one bit about it.

Friends?

How do you tell if someone is your friend or more? Is it in the flirting and innuendos? The frequent phone calls? The caring heard in their voice? Obviously I'm confused about where I stand. Is he interested in being friends, being friends with benefits or dating? And how can I tell which one it is?

For me I have to be friends with someone before I date them or have sex with them. Both are intimate connections that must have some sort of foundation to build on, but sometimes it's difficult for me to tell if or where things are going. My own emotions or wishes of what could be color his actions, and end up confusing me. I'm trying to figure out where I stand.

Yes, I know I should just come out and ask, but that can sometimes affect the friendship if that is all that is there. He starts to worry that you're going to fall in love and begins to watch what he says. The ease and openness of the relationship changes to a stilted back and forth. Both of us trying not to say something that would cause the other to possibly misconstrue our feelings.

And what if he is wondering the same things?

Lucky Duck

I was told this past Shabbos that I'm not who I appear to be or rather my blogger persona, and my Frumster persona; neither of which match my voice on the phone and me in person. I'm not as serious or as down as I sound on my blog. In fact, I love to laugh and smile too. Sometimes I smile so much my cheeks start to hurt. And no, I am not making that up.

You guys get me at my most emotional. You get me when I can't figure things out. It's just a shame you don't get me when I'm playing basketball with DB. It's hard to dribble when you can't stop giggling.

The person who told me this is a new friend. I met her through my blog. Hmmmm what should I call her? Well, let me describe her and maybe I'll get something from that. She totally "gets" me, and we couldn't shut up the first time we spoke. Hey! She'll be GF for Girl Friend. Which reminds me I owe someone a phone call, you know who you are. I hope you can talk tonight.

Back to the post and friends. I feel so lucky to have "met" you guys. Yes, YOU! Even if some of you are weird. That's probably why I like you. I hope you don't take offense. I mean it in the best of ways. And I hope that we don't meet. I don't want to have to watch what I write, not that I think it would change too much. You've already seen me at my... can't think of the word I want. It's not, worst or most open. It's just that you've seen me as most people in my life don't.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright

When I was little (and not so little) my mother used to sing a song to me. She would only sing it when she was holding me and rocking me back and forth while tears were dripping down my face. I sing this song to DB when he's crying, and it calms him down. I hold him in my arms and rock him.

Everything is gonna be alright
alright, alright
Every little thing is going to be alright

My mother told me something that really touched me. She said that she used to sing that song to make herself feel better while she held me or my brother and was comforting us. I completely understand.

My heart aches when DB cries. I'm not talking about the crying because of scraped hands or that his lego creation broke. I'm also not referring to the fake tears he sheds (very rarely) when he can't get some new Yugioh cards or the like. The crying I'm referring to is sobbing, break your heart frustration, hurting, help me mommy, tears. These are usually the ones you can do nothing about except to hold your child, and in your heart ask Hashem to take away his pain.

I find it difficult not to cry when I sing DB the song my mother sang to me. I sing it not just as a comfort to him. It's a prayer that I am saying asking for everything to be all right for my child, and to make his life better.

I have tears in my eyes slowly dripping onto my cheeks while I write this, and it's hard for me to swallow. Sometimes my throat catches when I sing this to DB. I think of my mother and my son.

I went through some very difficult times as a child and teenager. Now I know what it feels like from the mother's side, and I can still remember what it felt like as a child.

This post is not a sad one even though it's about pain and tears. It's about comfort and love. It's about relief and knowing that everything will be "alright." I can hear my mother's voice singing it to me right now.

Band Aids And Thread OR A Work In Progress

Is a good marriage just an oxymoron?
Is a marriage just an acceptance of disappointment?

How come romantic movies always
end at beginnings,
weddings,
first kisses,
or the start of a relationship?

Shaped by worn tools of prejudices
molded into sculptures of marble lovers
stone cold
beating hearts stilled and
cemented onto broken dreams.

Is it possible to get joy out of life without tears?
Perhaps the ache is better than boredom and dissatisfaction.

Dreaming of others' lives
wishing for their's in hope that life has more to offer
and at least some have grabbed hold of the golden apple.

Is there truly acceptance, love, comfort showered from open arms
and minds
willing to understand the anger and pain
or instead only reminded of their own salted wounds

Is fulfillment found in arms
searching
looking
wanting
more than what is predestined?

ignoring the loss and moving forward
drawn by magnets of hope
into doors of shining eyes

gazing up at a heaven filled with gods
put there by men's imagination
followed through seas and travels for treasure

yearning for something to fill the black hole that burns within
pearls and colored gems fill the void but for a moment
and the expansiveness grows in the empty souls

Words written by lonely hearts and tears twinkling
in an empty face fuzzed by clouds in my mind.

Wishing for a different life... that may not be better.
longing to live in fiction of heroes and strength.

closing off hiding my soul and the hurt covered with smiles and laughter smothered for appearances sake. aaaah does my soul ache? do I wish for a rescue? I long to repair


a child sitting a mother's bed crying for the world
hunger and war.
the pain did not start there I remember years before.
battling children in a line trying to beat my joy, hope and life.
No tears from my eyes
as they were comforted by teacher's hugs
my skin toughened by their taunts

friendly books
young wishing
for love without the knowledge of it
the emptiness grew until it swallowed me whole.

drawn out of it's depths by resolve and
laughter floating me past
thorns reaching alive with their grasp
yanking tugging ripping the life and joy
out of my eyes
dulling them with disappointment of past loves.

chained to mountains of emptiness.
ripped open by



I can't remember why I called this poem Band Aids And Thread. I know why band aids, but not thread. It also appears that it is a couple of poems.... I need to work on it, but I also want it posted. So you guys can see the transformation of words into my feelings and imagination.

I wrote this in mid-August and have edited some of it.... more to come

Love And Acceptance

Rafi G has a beautiful post about Rabbi Grossman. Now, this is a Rav that I respect tremendously. Accepting someone exactly where they are at with love, while helping them move forward is an amazing ability. What a kiddush Hashem!

Yes Chaim, There Is No Tooth Fairy

WARNING: NOT G RATED



As you all know, I have a beautiful, bright, little boy. DB asked me about the birds and the bees a year ago. Jack recently wrote about his experience with telling his son about sex. It seems that every child says, "EEEEEW." DB continued with "You did that with Daddy?!?!?!"

Let me be clear I did not bring up the subject. DB asked as I was putting him to bed one night. That's when I get most of the questions that take longer than five minutes to answer; be they existential, involving world peace, about divorce or sex. I thought (and hoped) that he would just accept a one sentence answer to his question, " How did Aunt_____ have a baby?" As the experts advise, you should only answer the exact question asked. Don't volunteer information because if the child wants to know more they will ask more.

So I responded with, "The baby was inside her the way you were inside of Mommy and then the baby came out." I didn't expect DB to continue with his questioning. "Did the baby come out like me?" "Nope, the doctors had to open Mommy up and take you out. You were stuck."

Then DB's wonderful reasoning processes took over. "So how did the baby get out of Aunt ____?" I believe in using correct names for the parts of the body with DB because I want him to be able to be comfortable talking to his doctors and wife when he grows up. I know a lot of married friends have major issues with talking to their husbands and vice versa.

When I gave DB the answer, his eyes grew wide. "Really?!?!" "Yes, that's how Hashem makes it happen," is what I responded. He kept going, "How did the baby get there?"

I knew we were getting closer and closer to the real stuff. I talked to myself and said, "Just answer him without hesitating or being embarrassed. The way you answer now will set the precedence for all future sex talks. It's obvious that he feels comfortable asking you instead of his father. He trusts you to tell him the truth. Don't betray that. You don't want him going to his friends to find out that 'you can't get a girl pregnant the first time, etc...' ."

I took a deep breath and only answered his specific question, "There's an egg and a sperm. They meet inside the mommy, join, and a baby starts to grow." He was quiet for a moment and I thought I was out of the woods. BUT THEN, "How does the sperm and egg get there?" "The egg is in the mommy and the sperm comes from the daddy." I was trying my best to hold him off, but it was futile.

Then DB asked the all important, "How does the sperm get inside the mommy?" I answered with exact terms. And after he asked a couple more questions I got the "eeeew" response.

"Do animals do that when they mate?" DB's an animal freak and if he has a choice would watch Animal Planet or The Discovery Channel all day. It would follow that he would ask that question.

He then proceeded to ask me the same questions several more times. I think it was for the sake of trying to trip me up because he didn't quite believe me. Then he said "I can't wait to tell cousin #1 and cousin #2 how they got their baby." OMG!!!!

Hashem was definitely with me on this one. My brain was in shock and most definitely couldn't think fast enough for this answer, "Sex involves private parts that you don't show anyone so you don't talk about them with other people because it's private. Not to your cousins, and most certainly not to your friends at school. Their parents will explain it to them the way I did for you."

No, I'm not that naive to think that DB will never talk about sex with "the guys." It's just not appropriate for him to do so now. Plus, I don't feel like receiving irate phone calls from twenty parents.

I repeated myself a bunch of times until I was sure that he understood completely. I explained that he wasn't supposed to tell children about sex the same way he wasn't supposed to tell them that there really wasn't a tooth fairy.

When DB got his first loose tooth at the early age of five. I excitedly informed him that when it fell out of his mouth he would put it under his pillow and in the morning he would find some money from the Tooth Fairy.

"Nuh uh, Mommy. There is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy." I couldn't believe he said that. I tried to feel him out in case he was testing me and I asked him if someone told him that or if he heard some big kids saying it. He told me no and I said to him that of course there is a tooth fairy. He adamantly responded, "NO! There isn't."

The time came for me to ask how he knew there wasn't one if that was really the case. "Becuz fairies only exist in 'chanted (enchanted) gardens and there's no such thing as 'chanted gardens."

I started coughing to hide my laughter. This kid was unbelievable! "OK DB, then who puts the money under the pillow?" He rolled his eyes at me (first time that took place) and answered "parents do," in a tone that said "just how dumb do you thing I am?"

This took place while we were driving to school. We had this conversation through the rearview mirror. We were nearly there, and I had to make sure that he didn't ruin this for any other children. I emphatically said that just because he figured it out did not mean that he was allowed to tell any of his friends. They would figure it out for themselves when they started losing their teeth. "I know, Mom," once again with that same tone and rolling eyes.



Back to the reason for this post, What do you men or women plan on telling your sons or have told your sons about masturbation? The day after DB and I had the sex talk I went out and got two good books.

How You Were Born by Joanna Cole (a reading rainbow book) no mentioning of how the sperm and egg get together, and What's The Big Secret? Talking About Sex With Girls And Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown of Arthur fame. This book is more explicit, but also deals with good and bad touches. The thing is it brought up masturbation. I kinda skipped over that part 'cause I wasn't sure how to deal with it.

Personally, I don't think that it's wrong in anyway, and I don't want DB to grow up feeling guilty for doing it. I believe that would just lead to him thinking that his body and sexuality is not beautiful. I want him to feel comfortable in his skin and not to feel ashamed for thoughts or actions that cannot be prevented. I also want him to have a happy and fulfilling marriage and sex life.

There are so many posts out there that deal with being shomer negiah, sex, the singles crisis (XGH, PL, Curlygirl), but I haven't really found that many about masturbation I want to know how you other OJ's whether MO's, RWOJ's or even Chassidish people plan on telling your sons when they ask and are of age? Do you also believe that it is wrong for girls to masturbate and why?

Bad And Good

OK, I have a tremendous amount to write about. Most of it is good stuff and even the bad stuff can eventually turn into some good. It's just getting through it that's miserable. Of course, it involves DB and school. How many of you out there think that 2 hours of homework is acceptable for someone not yet in 7th grade. Do you even think that 2 hours of work is reasonable for a 7th grader? I believe that it's completely ridiculous. When does a child have a chance to be a child?

I can't stand it when DB is crying for two hours while doing his homework that he is not even capable of doing. They are setting him up to fail. I have to hold in my tears until he goes to sleep. The ones I shed are sorrow for his pain and anger against a system that makes me unable to care for my child properly.

I know it will work out in the end. I just have to get us both there in one piece and with the ability to move forward and forget.

Now for the very good stuff....

I had a GREAT b-day!! I took DB and we went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. His first show. I had been saving up for it for about a year so that we could get good seats. What would be the use in paying for bad ones. So we sat center orchestra. It was amazing. Just the two of us heading into Midtown for fun. It was Erev Succos so he didn't have school and we went to a matinee. I ended up getting discount tickets and then had a code so they cost even less. YAY!!

The show was amazing, but I spent half of it watching DB's reactions. He was laughing out loud, singing along under his breath, and moving his feet to Step In Time (his favorite part). My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. When we left DB was trying to figure out what show we should start saving up for next.

What a fantastic time and wonderful day. The sun was out. We were relaxed and enjoying our time together without worrying about anything else. Plus I was wearing my new "ring" DB had made for me out of hot pink colored wire. He felt bad that he didn't have a present for me so he made the ring. Of course it means more to me than any present he could've bought. Oy, I just love that munch sooooo much.


And now on to dating or not.....

I've found out a lot of info about BGB, and I've liked all of it. He's an amazing man, and his profile says that he might be willing to relocate, but that could just mean anywhere in or near Oz. Yes, I asked him even though we were just flirting. I think I'm starting to learn that I should ask that of every guy so that way I know whether or not to allow myself to feel something for him. I wanted to make sure that before I got to that point I would know where I stand. I think it took him by surprise as if I thought things were up to a certain point. Y'all know how I've messed up by dating Bud when he wasn't able to relocate, and then when Man's profile said he was willing, but it turned out otherwise. The same thing with Blondie. I understand about the pulling back, and I was doing a little bit of it myself.

So if I start to feel something for BGB I don't want to have to stamp on my emotions again. I am doing the smart thing and trying to protect myself. I just needed to know one way or the other. Then I can adjust the way I view him if necessary. Otherwise I will be hanging in limbo along with possibilities. Ugh! I've been in it long enough with the divorce and having to wait for someone else to make decisions about my life. If there's some way to prevent it from taking place with regard to something, ANYTHING; I will do it... even if it means the guy thinks I'm jumping the gun and moving too fast. I wish I didn't get all the info about him it just showed me what an incredible person he is; caring, kind, so true to his beliefs, honest, and romantic.

But the fact is he might have an issue dating divorced women with children. He also has a type of woman he can see himself with, and I don't really fit there either. It's kind of funny because I'm not sure if I would/will date him. So why would I go out with someone when I already have two strikes against me. I just wanted to be clear (for myself) so that if the flirting led anywhere I would know from the very beginning.

He wrote back jokingly that he didn't even know we were dating, and that he's not sure if he wants to. He's quite aware of the fact that I won't fool around with someone I would date for tachlis, and he doesn't know if he wants that to be the case.

It's just that if someone has possibilities I need to know if I feel something for him without any extra attachments added because of being intimate. It doesn't mean that I would never fool around with someone I'm dating, but I just need to know what my feelings are before getting physical.

more to say but it will have to wait

Reading And Writing

Reading has always made me want to write. Reading books that I love and words that draw the emotions from me make me want to write well. I've always loved to write even when I hated it i.e. reports for school. I knew how to make it fit and blend; the rhythm and cadence of words turning into thoughts, into pictures of the mind or soul. I feel like I'm stretching reaching out with my heart and forcing my brain to explain my reasons or feelings.

Obviously, I am in the middle of reading a wonderful book. The bittersweet kind about love and how even when it's lost there is always more to take its place... to fill the emptiness and hurt with tearful smiles.

But that's not the only kind of book I read. Science fiction is one of my favorites. My mother started me on it when I had finished reading most of what the library had to offer me. I was able to read and understand her books, but she felt that it wasn't appropriate for me. Meaning that there was sex in them there pages. Little did she know that a tremendous amount of Science Fiction is written by horny men. I got an education at an early age. I was only 10.

She started me off on Heinlein and from there I found my own way. Anthony, Asimov, L'Engle, Simak, Silverberg, LeGuin, Wells, Bradbury, Vinge were the ones I read in the beginning. Then I found the anthologies, stories that were Nebula winners, Asimov's Magazine, and I discovered new authors and read whatever I could get a hold of. Needless to say I have quite an extensive library, but I still haven't even read all the books on my list. I haven't finished reading Clarke, Ellison , Dick, Cherryh, but there's still time.

Those stories and books made all beings (people, animals and aliens) equal and everything, and anything seem possible. That anything is attainable if you can just figure out a way to make it work. Maybe that's why I don't give up when things get really rough.

Then I realized that these weren't just dreamers. These writers had created real worlds with sociological, and political implications with result to their dreams of science. My mind expanded again. Reading the classics in high school had so much more meaning to me now. I could also see similar storylines and plots but with different characters and endings.

My fingers itched to get everything down on paper, but as soon as I did I would rip it up and throw it out. I used to write letters to my favorite authors in my mind. Almost ready to send them I would then see that my writing was just a bad imitation of theirs. But how I wanted them to know what their words meant to me.

I actually had the opportunity to personally let an author know and I let it pass me by. I was with a friend (no longer) in Oz shopping for material so that I could be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Somewhere around the W. 30's and most of the stores were closed for the day. Maybe it was past five or on a weekend. It was summer still light out and hot. The block we were walking down was not shadowed by the walls of tall buildings. Just the two of us, and then passing right by... I could have (and should have) reached out my hand to touch him.

I couldn't speak for a few seconds. I stopped, and watched him move farther away. Finally out it came in one breath and a rush of words, "Doyouknowwhothatwas?" It didn't even register with my friend that someone had even passed us. "THAT'S KURT VONNEGUT!" Her response was, "Who?" At that point I should have realized that our friendship wasn't bound to last. Oh, how I wanted to run after him and gush my praises for his writing over his hunched frame suffocating him with my admiration. How many times had I read and re-read his books.

But I didn't. I let the opportunity pass. I was a different person then. Shy, timid, unsure of myself. Yeah, yeah I know, but it took me a very long time and A LOT of hard work to leave that CR behind.


When I discovered blogging it was like I was set free. No one really knew who I was and I could/can write whatever I want, and get feedback. I revel in it. It's freedom. I might just have to say that I've come to crave it... the sound of my fingers on the keys releasing tensions, thoughts, feelings. It comes close, but not as good as sex.

You really didn't think that I would post without mentioning my favorite three letter word.


btw-The Jazz Man invited me (ok, along with a lot of others) to hear him play Sat. night, but I was in Kansas. He's also playing this coming Thurs. night at Small's. Great music. I just wish I could go hear him.

Flirting Is Fun

...and I've been doing a lot of it.

I like boys, men, guys. You get it. I like people of the opposite sex. I enjoy them. The way they think, talk, laugh, and of course feel.

There's someone new that I've been enjoying. No, silly. Not in that way. We've been corresponding. That's how things have been starting for me lately which also includes him reading my blog. He knew that I would be writing about him and even helped me come up with his name. BGB-Bad Good Boy. It fits. He's a good guy with some of the exciting, passionate, sexy, bad boy about him.

He figured out who I was on Frumster, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that at first. But I feel comfortable with it now. I'm not sure if we'll progress any further than flirting, but I'll keep y'all posted.

You are probably wondering what happened to Blondie. Nothing really. Still like him and find him attractive it's just that he isn't able to relocate. I was crushing on him... hard, and trying not to. It helped that I was in niddah and we didn't get together for awhile. Plus with yontif we haven't had that much time to talk. I did kinda ask him out for next Sat. night, but he's got a lot on his plate and wasn't able to commit to it. I understand, but my free nights are few and far between so I like to make sure that I can enjoy them if possible.

Tears and Laughter

I'm an emotional person. No duh, CR. What I mean is that I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but when I do I actually experience the sadness. OK, this is not making sense. What I'm trying to say is that I feel my feelings. How's that one? Yeah, yeah, just as bad. Maybe the point I'm trying to get across is that I don't need to dwell...

Anyway, today I went for a little ride down the hill of tears and then up to the clouds of giggles. Of course, Bud happened to call when I was just starting to cry. I feel bad for guys when a girl starts to cry. They just don't know what to do or what to say. Well, not all of them. It's just that you can hear their discomfort in the silence while you sob. Bud dealt with it pretty well. He let me talk, then sniffle, talk some more, really start to sob, laugh, then talk some more. That's all a woman really wants when she's feeling down. At least, that's what I want, plus a hug if possible. Not someone to solve my problems just someone to listen.

Now about that laughing in the middle of crying part... by now, you guys know that I'm weird, strange, unusual or whatever word you'd like to use to describe me. A small part of of this eccentricity is my tendency or ability to laugh when I cry. I think it's because I really don't like to be sad and if I can find some absurdity about my situation then I'll laugh at it. I might start crying again, but I would much rather be happy than have tears sliding down my cheeks.

Bud didn't have to deal with my tears for long and when we spoke later tonight I was happy and life was back in perspective again. It's taken me such a long time to learn how to let things go and move on. What would have taken a week or two several years ago only takes 1/2 hour now.

And of course, since DB was with me I really couldn't be sad for long. The tears ended (DB is never privy to them) and we had a pizza party in the succa. Then we went bowling with Saba. I WON! I got a strike on top of a spare, and then I did a little dance down the lane (enough to embarrass DB). He wasn't too shy to show us a few of his moves when he managed to get all ten pins down. Gotta love the boy, he shakes his tush just like his mom.

On the way home Saba started talking about his Polaroid lenses on his new sunglasses. DB and I were giggling and then broke into full out laughter. Finally Saba realized that his new glasses are polarized, and by then he was cracking up too.

It all works out in the end.

Smilin' Again

In Kansas with the darlin' boy and all's well with the world.

yeah, yeah, how easy I forget.... a perk of getting older??

Lonely

I miss my boy. He's with his dad and I haven't seen him since Wednesday, and only got to speak with him for about 1 minute today. My heart aches.... It's not like I could go by and give him a hug or blow him a kiss and see his smile. It hurts, and I'm trying to find something to occupy my mind. I did keep busy over yontif and today, but it's hard at night, at home, without him.

I called Blondie, but he's busy getting his kids things ready for tomorrow, and didn't want to talk on the phone. That's cool... he doesn't really like talking on the phone anyway. You can hear it in his voice, and I was going to ask if I could come over, and hang but it didn't sound like he would've said yes. I tried to get a hold of Bud but wasn't able to reach him. Mamasita is sleeping and True Blue is tired (I found out she's pregnant too). Shmellen is also worn out we spent most of the day going to and from Brooklyn getting her baby stuff from her friends. Sooo...

I guess it's hard because all I saw over the past four/five days were families. It just reminds me of DB. Whatever... I'll live it's just that I wish...

Empty Seat

There's an empty seat next to mine

filled on occasion

with dreams of

laughter

love

tears

and anger

but most importantly

hope

for the man who might

sit next to me

Still Awake And Not Kvetchy

I got it out of my system and feel better now. Don't need to think about what if's with Blondie can just enjoy him for whatever it is.

I wonder how people who read my blog view me. I use my blog to let off steam and to get rid of any emotions holding me down or making me sad. I'm not usually kvetchy and try not to complain in the "real world." It's just not that much fun to do or to be around even if you're the one doing it. I would much rather laugh than cry. I use my blog to help me sort through my feelings, my thoughts (too many of them) and my responsibilities.

I don't think that I'm like what I write all the time. Well, who is? But I do think that I write as I am, not holding back... so you guys get what's going on with me in real time. But I've learned that things are not always as desperate, sad, horrible as they might appear for the first five, ten minutes, hours and rarely days.

Moving on to more laughter and smiles and sex. After all, tomorrow is another day

Rambling Reasons Why AND Growing Older And Growing Up

Well, my last post certainly got some interesting comments and instead of replying to them individually I thought that I would do so here. First and foremost I cannot and will not have sex with someone who I cannot connect with in several important areas. I have to be physically attracted to them... no duh, CR. But I also have to be attracted to their personality. A great looking body alone just doesn't do it for me. You might find it hard to believe but a man's mind and ability to make me laugh does so much more for me than his body (even if it's his body that I ultimately want him for) It doesn't have to make sense to you... it's just the way I am. I just reread that body sentence and it didn't sound completely right.

I don't want someone just for their body. I want the whole person and I would love to have that with one individual for the rest of my life. I just really don't see that happening. Sooooooo.... I will enjoy what I can have friendship, laughter, without the long time commitment.


There are some men it is easier for me to fool around with. What I mean is that it's not a problem for me to have fun and run. What I really mean is that I don't even want a long time relationship with them. Nope what I am trying to say is that I don't crush on them. Meaning I don't think of possibilities or if onlys. It is friendship and sex. I like csbf as a term much better that friends with benefits maybe because I grew up with it or maybe that casual sex between friends means something shared with a friend. Friends with benefits implies (to me that is) that your in a friendship for the benefits.

The more a man exhibits possibilities the more that I cannot just fool around for the sake of mutual enjoyment. My heart starts to get involved. Ugh! My heart... it drives me bonkers...

I'm completely rambling and I don't think I'm responding to any of the comments


ok let me try again... I do believe that these men do care for me as a good friend. Actually I have to view them as a friend before I could enjoy being with them. That connection again...

I wasn't hurt with what happened with Chassidish it's just that I thought that it was funny that he thought he had to run away without just saying I had fun and it was nice but it's done with. I can deal with goodbyes. I'm a big girl or I will be tomorrow. It's my b-day and I'll be thirty-something.

I think that's why I've been feeling down... no, not down, resigned that's the word I was looking for. Resigned to my life. I think that once I truly adjust to it... I can then relax and enjoy it more. It's hard to like what you have when you always want more.


So I need to stop wanting more. Yeah, like that's going to work, I will always want the man with whom I can live the rest of my life, but I've got to be realistic too. And my son's mental, physical, and emotional well-being come way before anything that I might want. I can relate to Tom, Jack's friend, but I know what comes first as opposed to his confusion and conflict. It's easier when it's a matter of safety as opposed to just difficulty it's much easier to make a decision. Yeah, but just try living with it.

I wrote the above earlier today before I talked to Blondie. Ya see, Blondie reads my blog so it's been kind of difficult... well, I haven't been able to write everything I wanted to until now that is. I've been crushing on Blondie. I didn't plan on it. I didn't know or want to start looking at him in a different way.. that there could be a possibility of.... that he has potential (always hated that word, heard it too much from the teachers at school). I was over at Mamasita's helping her get ready for yontif (and talking to her about how much fun Blondie is) when I took a break to call him. Anyhow we started speaking about other things tonight, his kids, frumkeit and then ... he mentioned that he feels the need to distance himself. Funny thing is that I had just said the exact same words to Bud an hour earlier. Of course, Bud mentioned that I have a tendency to crush on guys but.... I didn't feel that way about Chassidish.

It was very brave and honest of Blondie to come out and tell me what's going on with him and of course I reciprocated. I really respect the man. If only he could have been a good lay and that's all. And I told him that too (those exact words as a matter of fact). And he makes me laugh even while talking about it... So what to do.... and he asked and I didn't really want to make a decision and yes, for the fifteenth time I know that not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. He didn't push for one. We left things and said goodnight.

Mamasita looked at my face and asked what was going on. I'm an open book and I know it. I told her and then I got the shmooze. Why it might be best for DB to have a happy mom rather than to relocate. I wanted her to shut up, but I know she's partially right, and that's the kicker there's right on both sides. It's hard enough for me to make a decision about what to wear on a date let alone this stuff. Oh, I just wanted to listen to her and forget. Forget DB's pain, forget the fact that my bro is in Israel so I take care of my parents in Kansas, forget that I could once again be stuck somewhere without my family and have things go all to pieces....

I WANT!!!!! I want to be free.... but I'm a mom.... a confused one but still a mom. That's when I got the call to go pick DB up from his friend's house. He was trying to sleep over, but was just too anxious and scared. I drove over there with tears in my eyes and then swallowed them down. He can't even fall asleep at a friend's house and here I am thinking of keeping him in the place and with the father that makes him feel this way.

But I still wanted to call Blondie and say "hey, what the F... let's try and see where things will take us." He's... but I didn't. I thought some more of Tom and felt horrible for what I wrote earlier (above) in my post.

Anyway... I think I should just stop dating. The possibility of feeling for someone and then having to realize that DB comes first is just heartbreaking. I believe that as a mom DB comes first. Not all the time because then that wouldn't mean being a good mom. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of him and that includes my being happy but....

I don't want to distance myself I'm willing to go through the hurt if it comes, but Blondie doesn't want to and doesn't need to and I respect that. I really should call Gretel, but if I do I'm afraid that she would say the same thing as Mamasita. I told Mamasita jokingly that I didn't want to hear what she was saying and it was only making things more difficult for me. She said that as a friend she felt she needed to say it.

Worst of all I've been hearing all these different love songs on the radio today, and my b-day is tom. Nope my b-day is now... could I feel any sorrier for myself. UGH! CR get real, you're alive and have a beautiful boy who's smile makes your heart fill. Time to grow up and deal.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, but I... Oh, forget it! Let me just end this post now.

songs I heard today
Delilah, plain white tees
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers
Bubbly, Colbie Callait
Born To Run, Bruce Springsteen
Do It Anyway, Martina Mcbride
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Crazy Love, Van Morrison

note: this is a big b-day and could be why I'm rambling and feeling all these things...

btw-did answer the comments on my last post individually