Falling.... For Flowers

I love flowers. I really do. I love paintings of flowers and knowing the different types by names and what time of year they bloom. I love open fields blanketed in rainbows gone wild.... I love giving them, planting them, picking them, and arranging them. I love the smiles that appear on strangers faces when you walk down the street with a bouquet.... but being given flowers is what I love the most (even more so if they're unexpected).

In the summer, DB picks dandelions by the handful and brings them to me. When we're in "Kansas" and he's through playing in the dirt searching for fossils and bugs in Bubbi's backyard he'll pick some of the flowers from her garden. They peek out from behind his back and he tells me to quickly shut my eyes. "NO PEEKING!" When I open them he has a beatific smile on his sweaty face and with his arm thrust straight out says "These are for you Mommy. Smell them." After I take them from his grubby hand, I sniff deeply, bend down, look in his eyes and tell him that they are the most beautiful and best smelling flowers ever, ever. I give him a hug and a kiss, and the aroma of the fresh cut grass sticking to his skin drifts around us. He wriggles out of my arms while I brush his hair back and dust the dirt off his knees. Then off he goes with a skip in his step, his chest stuck out proud, searching for more.

The thoughts of flowers came to mind because Charm brought me some. No, he didn't bring them as an apology. He most definitely hadn't done something wrong. And no, it wasn't my birthday, and wasn't a "Happy Anniversary, we've been dating for three months" because it hasn't even been three months. It wasn't because I was feeling down.... I've been me... very happy (since I realized what was bugging me and I let it go ). And it was most certainly not because he was "trying to get lucky"..... he knew very well he would be getting lucky (it was mikvah night). BOY, did he get lucky.... And he didn't even tell me he was bringing me something.

I haven't gotten flowers from someone over the age of eight.... in years and years.... never got them for my birthday, anniversaries, Shavuos, when I was sick, and not even when DB was born. In order to have flowers for Shabbos, I would have to go out and buy them. Yes, I dropped hints, subtle and not so subtle, but it didn't work. UGH!!!! It sounds so.... so pathetic. That's a good description for the marriage. Let's stop talking about that and get back to the fact that I GOT FLOWERS!!!!! YAY!!!!!

You wouldn't believe how I felt. I was kind of surprised at how it touched me. The flowers made me feel thought of, special, feminine, and un-mommylike. Getting a little teary just thinking about it. Yeah, yeah it's just flowers, but it means more to me than just that.... plus, I'm a girl and we are allowed to get emotional and NOOOOO!!! I'm not "pms"ing.

It's these little things that Charm does like open the door for me, comment on what I'm wearing, give me chocolate (godiva chocolate, no less) and bring me flowers. "He likes me, he really likes me" OK, I know I'm sounding kind of dorky and mushy and well......

Am I falling....... just because of........ flowers??

Shabbos With DB

DB (darling boy) and I spent Shabbos together at home in Oz this past week. I just realized that a nickname I use for DB is munch or munchie. It's short for munchkin or munchkin face..... I guess we're really not in Kansas. Anyway, we had planned on going to friends, but it didn't work out. We also weren't able to go to Kansas because Shabbos starts too early right now and I'm not going to risk getting caught on the road. Shul was out because I don't want to waste my energy on people who used to be my friends but now ignore me when I wish them Good Shabbos. I thought that DB and I might be a little lonely, but instead we had a great time together..... a lot of game playing, reading, and talking.

For some reason there wasn't the pre-Shabbos craziness that usually happens. Even though I had to cook a little on Friday, it was enjoyable. The music was on and I was singing and dancing around the apartment. It reminded me of Thursday nights when my mom would be cooking for Shabbos and Neil Diamond was playing on the 8-track. She'd grab my hands and dance me around the kitchen. It's a habit that I picked up except DB and I were listening to Bare Naked Ladies. He likes their music and just realized the name of the band and loves to say it.... so he smirks and says "Mom, let's listen to the naked ladies." He really is turning into a boy because when I read to him on Shabbos he tried to hide his giggle when I said the word penalized. I wasn't positive about the reason for his laughter until he told me "penalized, penis." Yup, he's a boy.

DB told me something that I was almost positive about. When he was giving tzedaka right before licht benching DB mentioned, "Daddy doesn't start Shabbos this early. He starts it after it's dark outside." This is one of those times that I wish that DB wasn't so observant and aware. His dad is definitely not shomer Shabbos when they are together. He wasn't when we were married so why should anything be different now. It's just an act he puts on for his friends and family.

DB started hitting me with questions, "How come Daddy doesn't start Shabbos the same time as us? When is the right time to start Shabbos? Is it Shabbos for my cousins now? (They live in Eretz Yisrael) Is it Shabbos for Bubbi now?" I decided to ignore the first question and instead started explaining to him how his cousins had already started Shabbos and were now sound asleep. Of course that statement got him thinking and we had to pull out the globe. We got into a discussion about the difference between the earth's rotations and revolutions around the sun. He forgot about his father for the moment, but I know it's still in the back of his mind. I will not speak bad about his dad to DB, but he's a bright boy and sees people for who they are without any help from me. It made me sad to hear him tell me that "Daddy is a liar, Mommy." I try to play these things down, but I am not going to make excuses for his behavior.

Back to our wonderful Shabbos, we sang and talked about the parsha, and how the mishkan was built. DB went straight for the Lego "to build a replica to scale" and he wanted me to give him the exact measurements.... Where does he pick up these things? It was finally time for bed.... I had been ready for over an hour.... We read two more chapters of Gulliver's Travels. Didn't know it was possible to read in my sleep, but the next day I couldn't remember any part of Chapter 13 and was about to start it when DB informed me that we were now on Chapter 14.

Of course since it was Shabbos, DB woke me before six!! When I asked him why he woke up earlier than during the week it was "because I want to play with you." So play we did.... first came chess and he beat me on his own. In my defense it still wasn't even seven yet and my brain wasn't functioning. Then we played masterpiece, othello, mastermind.... inside the clubhouse he built out of chairs and blankets. Oh! Don't forget yugioh. I have no idea how to play and I am soooooooo bored by that game so whenever DB isn't looking I stick another card into the sofa cushions so it will end faster. The whole day went by without any whining or DB getting angry. WOW!!!! Maybe all he needed was some time with me. The best part of Shabbos was the warm content feeling I got inside when we were cuddled up on the sofa under a blanket while we read our books.

Thank G-d for Shabbos and DB.

Cosmo's Case of Cuteness

OK, I admit it. Sometimes I read Cosmopolitan, and I'll be honest it's not just for the fashion advice. In case you've never deigned to buy a Cosmo magazine and have been too embarrassed to be caught reading one in the doctor's office.... the magazine discusses sex an awful lot. By awful, I am referring to the way the articles about sex are written. The information supplied might be useful but the alliteration can drive you to tears.... because you're laughing so hard.

The following was written with actual phrases from the magazine. I couldn't resist.

Cosmo commandments and steamy suggestions for your marathon man, the boss of the booty session. Carve out carnal time and shred the sheets with tantalizing teasing touches, romance rituals, and mind blowing moves. Show him your lusty limits using toe curling techniques, primal passion, and erotic electricity during a randy roll in the pleasure palace.

btw: you should see the euphemisms Cosmo use for body parts

Daddy

Dad, Mr. Marine, tough guy, whose heart melts whenever db is around. Spoke with him a few moments ago and boy was he grumpy. A friend of his was running late, and he doesn't appreciate that AT ALL. Of course it's also 1:30 and Daddy didn't have any lunch yet. I suggested that he eats something before she comes over and his reply in a deep voice, "I don't want to eat anything I want to be grumpy when she gets here."

I started to crack up.... couldn't help it. Dad knows that if he eats something he won't be cranky anymore and wouldn't say anything about the lateness to his friend. I can see Daddy's lips pressed together so he wouldn't smile and I'm sure that his eyes were twinkling and his nostrils flaring.... that's the tell-tale sign. Whenever I point it out to him he can't hold back his laughter. He tried to rush me off the phone in his gruff voice so that I wouldn't hear him chuckle.

Gotta love Dad.

Magic Slippers

They're not ruby red and sparkly and won't get me back to Kansas. They're not made of glass, and I haven't left one of them behind at a ball. But they are a pair of new shoes. Black patent high heeled platform shoes with straps. HOT!!!! Maybe they don't turn me into a princess when I put them on, but I definitely don't feel like a divorced mommy taking out garbage and cleaning up after an eight year old little boy. Plus I can actually walk in them, and they don't hurt.

I feel like a woman. Don't know if anyone out there remembers the perfume Enjoli. The song used in the commercial for it "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let you forget you're a man. 'Cause I'm a woman ......Enjoli." Never used the perfume it smelled..... let's just say it smelled. But I did just get two new perfumes that I really like. They smell fresh and one reminds me of a summer day with fresh cut grass. The other reminds me of a summer night.... still fresh, but a little more sultry. It was surprising to me that Victoria's Secret sold perfume that I actually like.

Also came home with some other purchases from VS. I had such a great time, and a few of the salesgirls were getting a big kick out of it. I think I tried on half the store. We couldn't stop laughing, and giggling. I hadn't done this in years!!! The ex never appreciated it and didn't care. Even though I am a tomboy.... like to shoot hoops, ride bikes, go fishing, etc.... with db (darling boy), it feels great to dress up like a girl, and not think like a mommy.

I feel pretty
Oh, so pretty
I feel pretty
and witty
and gay

And I pity
any girl
who isn't me
today.

Flying Monkeys Are From Oz

In my past (sordid?), I was the pursuer. In fact, I initiated and ended (in order to prevent myself from getting hurt) every relationship I ever had except for one. The proverbial fish that got away. He did want to get back together but by then I was dating my stbx. He became the controlling one to the point of abuse. No, not physical.....but still extremely painful. I am trying to distance myself from men like that. Yesterday I got an e-mail from Mr. Control, another fm, (frum male aka flying monkey) from Frumster. Control hadn't contacted me in over a month, and I didn't call or write him especially after this e-mail:

Look, I like you, I like talking to you and I am very much looking forward to meeting you. You need to please understand that I do not want to talk on the phone for the next couple of days. Please, I need to you to respect that. If you can't just tell me and I won't call you or email you anymore.

Two weeks before he wrote that Control told me he was having a rough time and was very busy. He told me he would call in a half hour and then I wouldn't hear from him for three days. Control also made plans to get together with me, but didn't follow through. It started to feel like a game, and I didn't know the rules. So I decided to write my own . I called him to let him know that I hoped things were going better for him and left a specific message that there is absolutely no need to call me back. It's extremely difficult for me to understand how a phone call from someone that you are supposedly very interested in can be such a pain...... yeah, yeah, men are from Mars and women are from Venus..... and flying monkeys are from Oz.

Why all of a sudden do I hear from him again (by e-mail)? "How come you haven't called me in awhile? I thought I would hear from you last week." WHAAAAAAT!!!!!! Will someone please explain this to me? Is this a tactic fm's use to get you lost on your way to the Wonderful Wizard?

Then there's Mr. Charm........ the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion all rolled into one. A good friend with brains, a heart, and the courage to be himself. I feel cared for and understood when I'm with him, not to mention the way he makes me laugh. And it's obvious by his words and actions that he's a loving father.

It's been two months since I've started to get to know him...... in every meaning of the word. I'm trying my best to enjoy the walk (skip?) down the yellow brick road. But, there's an elephant in the room or rather a moving van. It looks like I will finally be able to leave Oz by the end of June, but Charm isn't going anywhere.

I have the feeling I'm going to be learning another lesson.

Everytime I Think I'm Out I Get Pulled Back In

Went to court yesterday. Really didn't even have to show. Mom (aka Bubbi) came up for moral support. I don't think I would've gotten through this without her. Not that I'm through this yet. It's neverending. This is the second judge to sit on this case. Maybe, you could even say the third judge another one presided over one of the trials. Wait! Don't forget the judge from Family Court. There goes your tax money.

Three papers are due on March 15th...."Beware the ides of March..." This is the second time that I have had papers due to Supreme Court on that day. I guess if you're in this long enough you'll be able to say that about every day in the year. OK, OK, I know that's and exaggeration, But that's what it feels like. Most of the issues in the papers have already been addressed in previous motions and in conferences. This is just insane. The file is soooo huge... it can't even be carried all at once.

The new judge also scheduled a trial for the end of May. One thing right after the other. with Purim and Pesach in between. The stbx (soon to be ex) didn't want to settle and is trying to use scare tactics. That used to work, but not anymore. I've toughened up. I didn't even cry when I found out about the trial.... there's nothing wrong with crying.... it's....well, actually, I did cry a little.... some tears escaped while Charm was holding me. I don't think he noticed. I didn't want him to.

I feel more vulnerable, but also safer in Charm's arms. My emotions or let's say deeper emotions come closer to the surface. That kind of bothers me because I feel like I'm opening myself up to get hurt. Not that I haven't been hurt before... it's just that ... Hey! I don't want to get hurt again. Yeah, yeah, you can't live your life like that because it's not really living or experiencing and then you're always holding something back. It's funny because I don't think of myself as someone that holds things back. I speak my mind, I stand up for myself.... Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say. This is just the ramblings of someone working on four hours sleep.

Went to see a movie with Charm last night, a scary one. Did I hold on tight to him!! It was fun too.... getting out with him. We don't make it out the door too often. BUT I am not complaining about that. After years of no sex..... WOW!!! Certainly making up it for it now in quality and quantity. Way to go Charm!

We started talking about going to the mikvah. I've actually asked a shaila about this. I was told it's better to do "everything but" and not go to the mikvah. I mentioned that I don't think that was going to be doable. After so many years of not having sex once my clothes come off, I didn't think I would be able to restrain myself and I didn't want to. Then I was told to go jump in a lake or the ocean. NO JOKE!!!! Yeah, right. Finally, it came down to go to a mikvah where no one knows you and pretend you are married. WHY? Why is this necessary? Gotta get into that later. Just saw the time and need to pick up the db from school. Shabbos is coming, and we've got errands to run.

Make Way For......

While driving db (darling boy) to school this morning, we had an unexpected stop. Eight turkeys were crossing the street. At the corner, no less, and continuing their stroll on the sidewalk! I had to pull over so we could watch and so I could listen to db giggle over the way they walked. (I thank Hashem for little moments like these.) Then we remembered how one turkey was outside of school at pick up time with the rest of the children waiting for carpool. We didn't see what kind of minivan his mom drove... ha ha :)

How often do you have to stop for animals in the street? Well if you're me, quite a few in your lifetime.

1. The first time that I recall was a fawn slowly walking in the street while I was driving to work (not in oz... http://http//dreamsofwho.blogspot.com/2007/01/not-in-kansas-anymore.html).
   
2. The mommy ground hog picking up her babies and taking them into the woods from the busy 4 lane street at rush hour (also not in oz)
   
3. The chicken in the middle of the road (Why was he crossing? hee hee) during a downpour on a major thruway (6 lanes) in the Bronx. Traffic was stopped ahead of me because of the red light so I got out of my car, picked up the chicken and put him on the other side.
   
4. The doe and her fawn near db's school.
   
5. and now the turkeys.

It's amazing to see these animals up close, but it reminds me of the reason that this takes place. We are encroaching on their homes. They have nowhere else to go when we cut down the forests. So if you live in a new development, keep your eyes open and drive carefully. You might have more "neighbors" than you think.

btw: these pictures were taken in November across the street from db's school

Updates

I was in court this morning and nothing took place. Surprise, surprise... case dismissed. I wonder why I even bothered showing up. We spent a total of 7 minutes in the court room. I represented myself and am starting to feel more comfortable doing so. I don't plan on being my own lawyer all the time just when it's not necessary for my attorney to be there.

OH! I spoke to Charm about the other guys and he was pretty cool about it. I've been with other men in the past who would've blown up finding that out, but he didn't. He was calm even though he wasn't happy about it and wished that I had told him earlier. I wish that I had done that too. But it was a revelation to realize that I didn't have to walk on eggshells, and that we could talk... Yes, Talk!!! instead of yelling or me getting the silent treatment. WOW!!!

It's nice to know that there are reasonable men out there, and that Charm is one of them. I just feel so comfortable with him, but there's the issue of... UGH!!! I have to stop thinking and just enjoy this for what it is. But what is it though?

My Favorite Kiss

The Number Eleven

My dad the former Marine (OORAH!) forwarded this to me.

The Secret behind the number 11 (READ THIS!!) Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2007
13:38:49
-0500 The Secret behind the number 11 - Pretty Chilling Read to the
bottom. Try it out. I did and I got goose bumps If you are a
skeptical person - still read on as it's actually very interesting!!

This is actually really freaky!! (Mainly the end part, but read it
first)
1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11
letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb has 11 letters. (The terrorist who threatened
to
destroy the Twin Towers in 1993)
4) George W Bush has 11
letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets
interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing
against the
Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying
92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers was
carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 =
11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or
9/11 as it is now known 9 + 1+ 1= 11
6) The date is equal to the US
emergency services telephone number 911. 9 +
1 + 1 = 11

Sheer
coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total
number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 +
5 + 4 =
11.
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5
+
4 = 11.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 +
4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers
incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie: The most
recognized symbol
for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle.
The following verse is
taken from the Koran, the Islamic holy book:
"For
it is written that a son
of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath
of the Eagle would be felt
throughout the lands of Allah while some of the
people trembled in despair still
more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle
cleansed the lands of Allah and there
was peace."
That verse is number
9.11 of the Koran.

Unconvinced about all of this Still ..?! Try this and
see how you feel
afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:
Open
Microsoft Word and do the
following:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is
the flight number of the first plane to
hit one of the Twin Towers.
2.
Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the
actual font to the WINGDINGS 1

What do you think now?!! NORMALLY I
WOULDN'T FORWARD SOMETHING LIKE
THIS BUT HONEST TO GOD TRUE STORY:
NATURALLY READING THAT LAST PART ABOUT
SENDING IT OUT, I WANTED TO KNOW BY
WHAT TIME I WOULD NEED TO GET IT
DONE.............. THE TIME ON MY
COMPUTER.............. 11:11 A.M.
EXACTLY!!!!!!

Kind of freaky isn't?!?!? My dad always sends me these weird things. Gotta love him.

Out Of My Head

I've got to hand it to Mr. Charm. I'm definitely feeling better. In case you hadn't noticed by the maudlin poetry, I was down and feeling sorry for myself. Over and done with. Don't feel that way now. I most definitely don't feel that way now. OK, it took me a couple days to get out of the funk, but I always do.... this time though I had some help.

Sometimes I get stuck on overthinking (I usually find that happens after I've done a lot of reading) and/or frustrated about the situation I'm in. But, I'm back to me... smile on my lips. Not even cranky, though I didn't get much sleep last night. In fact, I feel good ala James Brown "I feel good....." I'm not focusing on the bad just feeling the good.

I even have to be in court twice this week (2 different courts) and I'm now looking forward to writing about the inanity and insanity of it. I'm laughing while I'm imaging what craziness the system has in store. The letters "IN G-D WE TRUST" are attached to the wall behind the Wonderful Wizard (judge's bench). I trust that Hashem must be laughing too. It's a choice laugh or cry and the absurdity of it all definitely gets me laughing.

Some of my friends tell me that I have to write a book detailing my divorce adventures, but I would have to sell it as fiction because no one in hell would believe that it's true. "Truth is stranger than fiction" I wonder who this quote is attributed to and why and when they came up with it. I'm definitely stuck in Oz, but I'm sure I'll wake up sometime soon in Kansas... laughing.

I'm fine

Sliding down my face
a natural fountain of pain
drips salt on to my lips
as I swallow the hurt
past the break in my chest
to the emptiness of alone

I'm fine

Eased

Tears in my eyes
plays the music in my soul
and the pain is eased by poetry

Dreams of who
fill my nights,
while winter skies end my days
and the pain is eased by poetry

Van Morrison roos and my heart fills
with the sweet taste of honeyed lips
and the pain is eased by poetry

Out of Proportion

Thank you again, Mamasita. After talking to her, I realized that I am blowing things out of proportion. I told her about me wanting to talk to Charm and she broke it down for me. "You told him he was the first because you were trying to protect yourself."

I didn't think of it that way, but she's right. The first three guys treated me... well, let's just say that their treatment of me was not what you would expect of a gentleman who knows that the woman he is about to take out hasn't gone out in years. It wasn't even the behaviour of a guy going out with someone for the first time. Things don't usually improve once you're married and if this was the way they were treating me at the very beginning of the relationship then I feel very bad for whomever they end up marrying.

That's when I came up with the idea of telling everyone I would go out with that he was the first and see how he would treat me based on that.

Anyway, I plan on explaining this to Charm including the fact that I feel the need to let him know this because it was bothering me and we are getting very close.

Anniversary

Finally figured out why I was so down. Next month will mark the nth year of the divorce.... NO! Not since the divorce, but of the ongoing divorce... soon to be completed?!?!?!

I called up Mamasita (good friend and relative) to whine, cry and kvetch, and as I was talking it finally came to me. Of course, she made me feel better. What are good friends for? She stops me from beating up on myself, and told me that if she were in this situation, thank G-d she's not(I wouldn't wish it on anyone), she would not be able to be happy half the time that I am.

I didn't tell Mr. Charm about how down I was until after speaking to Mamasita. He sounded concerned and kind of confused that he didn't know I had been sad for awhile. It's not that I was hiding it from him or maybe I was. I've been trying to figure out what's been going on between us and I don't really know. I've told him almost everything about me, and things are very comfortable.... BUT.... Here comes the big one.... BUT I don't know where we are going. I'm enjoying the ride, but I would like to know if there is a destination ahead. Does there really have to be a destination right now? I don't know. There's the distinct possibility that I am overthinking things (again).


To tell or not to tell..... I really hate the fact that Mr. Charm thinks that he was the first guy I went out with. I feel like scuz... but I just didn't think I would feel this way about him. Let's just say I feel this desperate need to come clean. Do I tell him over the phone or do I wait and tell him in person? I just want to get it over and done with. Not the relationship. Maybe I'm just doing too much thinking and this isn't as big a deal as I am making it out to be.

This is why I hate lying. It always gets you into difficult situations. I mean, I know why I lied. I didn't want him to think of me as a slut. I did go out and have sex with the first guy I saw. No, this is not Mr. Move To Israel. I completely forgot about Mr. One Night Stand. Story for another time. I guess everyone makes mistakes getting back out there... but boy do mine feel like whoppers (pun intended).

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to tell him tonight. Wish me luck.