Empty Seat

There's an empty seat next to mine

filled on occasion

with dreams of

laughter

love

tears

and anger

but most importantly

hope

for the man who might

sit next to me

Still Awake And Not Kvetchy

I got it out of my system and feel better now. Don't need to think about what if's with Blondie can just enjoy him for whatever it is.

I wonder how people who read my blog view me. I use my blog to let off steam and to get rid of any emotions holding me down or making me sad. I'm not usually kvetchy and try not to complain in the "real world." It's just not that much fun to do or to be around even if you're the one doing it. I would much rather laugh than cry. I use my blog to help me sort through my feelings, my thoughts (too many of them) and my responsibilities.

I don't think that I'm like what I write all the time. Well, who is? But I do think that I write as I am, not holding back... so you guys get what's going on with me in real time. But I've learned that things are not always as desperate, sad, horrible as they might appear for the first five, ten minutes, hours and rarely days.

Moving on to more laughter and smiles and sex. After all, tomorrow is another day

Rambling Reasons Why AND Growing Older And Growing Up

Well, my last post certainly got some interesting comments and instead of replying to them individually I thought that I would do so here. First and foremost I cannot and will not have sex with someone who I cannot connect with in several important areas. I have to be physically attracted to them... no duh, CR. But I also have to be attracted to their personality. A great looking body alone just doesn't do it for me. You might find it hard to believe but a man's mind and ability to make me laugh does so much more for me than his body (even if it's his body that I ultimately want him for) It doesn't have to make sense to you... it's just the way I am. I just reread that body sentence and it didn't sound completely right.

I don't want someone just for their body. I want the whole person and I would love to have that with one individual for the rest of my life. I just really don't see that happening. Sooooooo.... I will enjoy what I can have friendship, laughter, without the long time commitment.


There are some men it is easier for me to fool around with. What I mean is that it's not a problem for me to have fun and run. What I really mean is that I don't even want a long time relationship with them. Nope what I am trying to say is that I don't crush on them. Meaning I don't think of possibilities or if onlys. It is friendship and sex. I like csbf as a term much better that friends with benefits maybe because I grew up with it or maybe that casual sex between friends means something shared with a friend. Friends with benefits implies (to me that is) that your in a friendship for the benefits.

The more a man exhibits possibilities the more that I cannot just fool around for the sake of mutual enjoyment. My heart starts to get involved. Ugh! My heart... it drives me bonkers...

I'm completely rambling and I don't think I'm responding to any of the comments


ok let me try again... I do believe that these men do care for me as a good friend. Actually I have to view them as a friend before I could enjoy being with them. That connection again...

I wasn't hurt with what happened with Chassidish it's just that I thought that it was funny that he thought he had to run away without just saying I had fun and it was nice but it's done with. I can deal with goodbyes. I'm a big girl or I will be tomorrow. It's my b-day and I'll be thirty-something.

I think that's why I've been feeling down... no, not down, resigned that's the word I was looking for. Resigned to my life. I think that once I truly adjust to it... I can then relax and enjoy it more. It's hard to like what you have when you always want more.


So I need to stop wanting more. Yeah, like that's going to work, I will always want the man with whom I can live the rest of my life, but I've got to be realistic too. And my son's mental, physical, and emotional well-being come way before anything that I might want. I can relate to Tom, Jack's friend, but I know what comes first as opposed to his confusion and conflict. It's easier when it's a matter of safety as opposed to just difficulty it's much easier to make a decision. Yeah, but just try living with it.

I wrote the above earlier today before I talked to Blondie. Ya see, Blondie reads my blog so it's been kind of difficult... well, I haven't been able to write everything I wanted to until now that is. I've been crushing on Blondie. I didn't plan on it. I didn't know or want to start looking at him in a different way.. that there could be a possibility of.... that he has potential (always hated that word, heard it too much from the teachers at school). I was over at Mamasita's helping her get ready for yontif (and talking to her about how much fun Blondie is) when I took a break to call him. Anyhow we started speaking about other things tonight, his kids, frumkeit and then ... he mentioned that he feels the need to distance himself. Funny thing is that I had just said the exact same words to Bud an hour earlier. Of course, Bud mentioned that I have a tendency to crush on guys but.... I didn't feel that way about Chassidish.

It was very brave and honest of Blondie to come out and tell me what's going on with him and of course I reciprocated. I really respect the man. If only he could have been a good lay and that's all. And I told him that too (those exact words as a matter of fact). And he makes me laugh even while talking about it... So what to do.... and he asked and I didn't really want to make a decision and yes, for the fifteenth time I know that not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. He didn't push for one. We left things and said goodnight.

Mamasita looked at my face and asked what was going on. I'm an open book and I know it. I told her and then I got the shmooze. Why it might be best for DB to have a happy mom rather than to relocate. I wanted her to shut up, but I know she's partially right, and that's the kicker there's right on both sides. It's hard enough for me to make a decision about what to wear on a date let alone this stuff. Oh, I just wanted to listen to her and forget. Forget DB's pain, forget the fact that my bro is in Israel so I take care of my parents in Kansas, forget that I could once again be stuck somewhere without my family and have things go all to pieces....

I WANT!!!!! I want to be free.... but I'm a mom.... a confused one but still a mom. That's when I got the call to go pick DB up from his friend's house. He was trying to sleep over, but was just too anxious and scared. I drove over there with tears in my eyes and then swallowed them down. He can't even fall asleep at a friend's house and here I am thinking of keeping him in the place and with the father that makes him feel this way.

But I still wanted to call Blondie and say "hey, what the F... let's try and see where things will take us." He's... but I didn't. I thought some more of Tom and felt horrible for what I wrote earlier (above) in my post.

Anyway... I think I should just stop dating. The possibility of feeling for someone and then having to realize that DB comes first is just heartbreaking. I believe that as a mom DB comes first. Not all the time because then that wouldn't mean being a good mom. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of him and that includes my being happy but....

I don't want to distance myself I'm willing to go through the hurt if it comes, but Blondie doesn't want to and doesn't need to and I respect that. I really should call Gretel, but if I do I'm afraid that she would say the same thing as Mamasita. I told Mamasita jokingly that I didn't want to hear what she was saying and it was only making things more difficult for me. She said that as a friend she felt she needed to say it.

Worst of all I've been hearing all these different love songs on the radio today, and my b-day is tom. Nope my b-day is now... could I feel any sorrier for myself. UGH! CR get real, you're alive and have a beautiful boy who's smile makes your heart fill. Time to grow up and deal.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, but I... Oh, forget it! Let me just end this post now.

songs I heard today
Delilah, plain white tees
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers
Bubbly, Colbie Callait
Born To Run, Bruce Springsteen
Do It Anyway, Martina Mcbride
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Crazy Love, Van Morrison

note: this is a big b-day and could be why I'm rambling and feeling all these things...

btw-did answer the comments on my last post individually

Please Hold...

So much to say (I'm in the middle of three posts) and just so tired... haven't gone to sleep yet (from last night). Drove back from Kansas last night and had some coffee. Sooo I didn't sleep.... too wired. I was going to take a nap this afternoon, but a friend stopped by (not Blondie). I hadn't seen him in awhile and well, he looks great... Then I read PL's post and followed his link to shidduch greiper.

I have to say that right now (meaning this exact moment because everything is subject to change) I am not interested in getting married. I don't know if I can really trust someone enough to make myself that vulnerable or maybe because it doesn't look like it will happen so it's a case of sour grapes. Whatever the reason(s) I have chosen to enjoy being single. I will laugh, date, flirt, kiss, and have mega fun (safe fun).

I can't live my life without touch... fingers intertwined, my head resting on a strong shoulder, soft sweet kisses and strong deep passionate ones that take my breath away. I want to feel alive and not like my life is on hold waiting for Mr. Right, and yes, gosh darn it I like sex and lots of it!!!

HOLY MOLEY!!!

Went over to Blondie's last night... 'nough said

Smooth Jazz And Smooth Moves

So much going on this week that I haven't had time to write about my Sat. night with Blondie. I wasn't sure that we were going to be able to go out. Ya see, I had the feeling that the reason Blondie hadn't asked me out for Sat. night was because he thought that I was going to be in Kansas with DB. Well, I wasn't. So since he didn't ask me, I asked him, and I wasn't the least bit nervous. Whoa, I just feel so comfortable with him. Right before yontif we were talking on the phone and laughing and I asked him what he was doing motzei shabbos. He wasn't sure if he could get a sitter for his kids so things were up in the air, but he did want to go to The Village. His parents were able to help out and Blondie picked me up at about 11 pm. No, I wasn't ready. Nothing unusual about that. I had to finish putting on my makeup. He came in and watched me, and then proceeded to distract me by....

Anyway we did eventually leave my apt. and head to The Village. We almost didn't make it out of the car. WOW!!! His kisses are mind blowing. Anyway, Blondie took me to this great jazz club and we heard some really talented musicians play. I found out later that one of them was Israeli. We sat close together and it was dark and intimate not more than fifty people. The musicians were less than 15 feet from us and we were sitting four rows back. We both had a drink and Blondie couldn't keep his hands off me. Absolutely, delicious. He mentioned that he was starting to enjoy the music and then I was confused because it was his idea to go there. He told me that I mentioned I like jazz to him. I don't even remember saying it and he did! MAJOR POINTS!!!!! Plus he was still opening the car door for me. This guy is just.... well, he's just....

We left before the first set was finished which was very wise on Blondie's part. The last time I was in The Village listening to music I almost went home with a member or two of the band. The guy I was with managed to drag me out before I did. Obviously, I like musicians. Ok, ok, I like men, but I especially like musicians and creative men. Anyway, I'm not sure if Blondie was aware but the guitarist was looking at me every once in awhile. I'm so proud of myself because I didn't make eyes or flirt back. I was just having such a good time with Blondie.

So we left and walked around the Village for maybe an hour looking at people and into store windows. I was so happy and relaxed. It was a beautiful night and we could see the stars above. Every once in awhile Blondie would stop and take my breath away with an amazing kiss. What more could I ask for?

We went back to my place and said good night for awhile... a looong while.

The next day I wanted to see if the guitarist had any cd's out, but I didn't even know his name. So I googled Smalls, the jazz club we went to, and found their my space page. His picture was on it. I clicked the link and and found out that he did have music out. Since his e-mail addy was there I wrote him a quick note to let him know how much I enjoyed his playing, fluid and lyrical poetry. I didn't expect an answer back. REALLY!!! I didn't. But, he wrote that I should've "come up and introduced myself!" (The exclamation point was his.) He was also surprised that I was able to find his addy. There hasn't been any more communication, but as I said I do like musicians and he is a very talented one.

BUT I am also busy enough, AND having a great time with Blondie. Hey! It's not like Blondie wasn't checking out all the skimpily clad females walking by.

More Great News!!

Shmellen my friend and sort of relative is due soon. Of course, I just found out yesterday. You see, just because I'm close with someone doesn't necessarily mean that we speak every day. We haven't spoken for about 4 months, but we picked up right where we left off.

Anyway her news absolutely and completely made my day yesterday. I'm so excited!!!!! I'm going to pick her up from work today and give her a lot of my baby and child care books including Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Baby. She's going to need her sleep since she will be raising the baby alone. Yup, Shmellen is having the baby without being married and without the baby's dad being involved. No, it was not an accident. She planned it out, and asked shailas and her brother started learning about it for her (halacha wise).

I'm soooooo excited. I already called that I get to babysit, and that the baby will call me Aunt CR. I'm also sooo impressed and blown away, by her guts. Shmellen is my age and she didn't want to wait anymore. I know how she feels. I have been thinking about having another baby for quite some time, and DB has been asking since forever. Of course, I'm not in a financial position to do so. Still, I started reading about the halachos, because I don't know if I will ever get re-married. I would most definitely like to meet Mr. Right and have a big happy family, but that might not happen. Actually, I vacillate between wanting to get married and live my life without a husband. Notice that I didn't write man because there would be no way for me to give up men, but I think that y'all know that already.

Unbelievable News!!!!

Drum roll please....... after many years in the court system and I'm sure more to go on other issues I still have wonderful news I would like to share with the whole world.

I am now legally divorced. Thank you Hashem.

It is _____ years to the day that I got my get. Talk about a miracle.

I wish the same freedom for any person out there who is waiting for their divorce and most especially for all the women out there who are waiting for their get. I hope it comes very very quickly and easily.

Just wanted to let y'all know as soon as I did. Gotta go pick up the darlin' boy.... more later.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be...

....light sleepers.




Babysitting today for the giggle baby. The one who loves to see me dance, and will just giggle at me for no reason. I laugh back and then we're off... cracking each other up. He's sweet, smart and absolutely beautiful. BUT the sad thing is he's a light sleeper. He's almost 1 1/2 and his parents go into him when he cries. His mom is trying now, but it's so much harder with an older child.





So he woke up less than halfway into his nap, and his mom doesn't want me to get him when he does that. I understand completely. I also understand that this is the reason I'm here and she's out. It's hard enough listening to someone else's baby cry let alone your own.

There's one thing that I would advise new parents or parents-to-be is to make sure that there is always noise of some sort when you put your newborn child to bed. It would also be to put your baby to sleep (in their crib) before they are asleep. That way you want have to suffer through the tears and heartache of getting your baby to learn to soothe himself to sleep. You also won't have to suffer through nights without rest for you and your child.

note: just re-read this post and it should say "That way you won't have to suffer through....." there's no way that I would mean that you want a baby to cry unneccesarily that's the point of this whole post. So the baby and you won't be crying.

Happy New Year!

I just wanted to wish everyone and their family a wonderful, healthy, happy new year. I know that this past year was improved significantly for me once I started blogging. It's been a creative and emotional outlet for me, BUT best of all I've met YOU! Yes, all you guys out there interested and caring have most definitely added to my life. Thank You.

I also wanted to ask for mechila from anyone I might have hurt in any way. I'm sorry.

Kesiva v'chasima tova

Candyland

lost in a candyland of desire

hot chocolate kisses with marshmallow tongues intertwined

rich and sweet filling my craving

spicy looks of licorice eyes and hands sticky from cotton candy bodies combine with jawbreaker intensity

candy apple temptations lead to heart pounding sugar rushes satiated with the tart lemonade of love

while the bursting of bubble gum dreams

wakens my sugar-coated sleep to vanilla days

This Weekend

Warning: Not G-Rated

I spent this past weekend with a fellow blogger that I had never met before (we spoke over the phone, though ) and had a great time. No kids, no men but plenty of talk about both. We had planned to get to sleep early Friday night, but it didn't quite work out that way because we couldn't shut up. OK, OK, I couldn't shut up.... about sex. It was like I was 16 again, my parents were out of town, some friends of mine were staying over, and there was such a sense of freedom. We giggled and talked even while we were falling asleep.

Shabbos day was more of the same, and then we both passed out and slept for most of the afternoon. Then came Sat. night and Blondie (I mentioned him and his blue eyes in passing a couple posts ago). He knew that I was going to be near him for the weekend, but no definite plans were made.

First a few pieces of information... Blondie, divorced dad of two girls, and I had been corresponding for awhile with some flirting, but neither of us really did anything about it. Then I had a dream about him except he had dark hair and dark eyes, which is not the case at all. I wrote to him about it without any details just the fact that it took place and the next thing I knew we were im'ing until 2 in the morning. We exchanged phone numbers, but didn't actually speak to one another until right before Shabbos. Blogger girl encouraged me to call and major thanks go out to her for that. So tentative plans were made for Sat. night.

Blogger Girl and I went out for pizza and then met up with him. I was surprised by a kiss on the cheek hello, but I most certainly didn't mind. Blogger Girl went home very graciously and left the door unlocked for me.

Then it was just the two of us... in person. Blondie mentioned that I didn't look like any of my pictures and if I wasn't wearing the pink baseball hat I told him about he wouldn't have recognized me. He also looked different than his pictures. Stronger... ok, I know that doesn't really make sense but it's true.

Yes, he was a gentleman and opened the car door for me (points). Then we went out and got drinks. We were sitting at the corner of the bar and every once in awhile his leg would brush against mine. It was comfortable and fun being with him. He's intelligent and weird funny, and that's a high compliment. Personally I find witty very, very sexy along with confidence and he definitely had that too. He was a man not a guy, and boy, did that turn me on.... not to mention his eyes, intense and searching.

We talked about first kisses and believe it or not he knew the boy who gave me my first kiss. I leaned into Blondie and he rubbed my back. Yummy! One drink was enough for both of us and we decided to go see the ocean but by this time it was getting late so he took me back to Blogger Girl's... NOT!! Are you kidding me?!?!? Do you really think that I would stop there. C'mon, it's me. Sex on the brain girl... the one whose libido is back and functioning.

Anyway, before we even made it to the beach or even into the car, I got my first kiss from him. Maybe I should change his name to sweet lips. I lost track of where we were, but somehow we made it to the boardwalk. He told me I was beautiful (points) and even made me feel that way (major points). He wanted to look at me but I put my head on his shoulder (strong shoulder). Of course, my hair came down out of the doubled up pony tail. And the breeze off the water felt so good through it. I haven't cut it yet. Then there were his eyes. I know I mentioned them already but they became a darker blue and filled with passion. I had to look away. But his gaze was magnetic and drew my eyes back up to his and I got lost in the heat of his piercing desire.


We finally made it back to Blogger Girl's at about 4:30 in the morning. Woke up at about 9:30 got dressed and went out for breakfast. Oh! Couldn't find my pink hat so I wore another one. I got a phone call later in the day to let me know that Blondie had it. I left it in his car.... guess my attention was elsewhere when saying goodbye. Needless to say I'm very very tired. My eyes are closing but a smile is on my lips.



OH! Don't forget the slimy slug (phylum-mollusca, class-gastropoda) UGH! Huge and gross

I HATE SCHOOL!!!!

It was DB's first day of school and he had a miserable time. Everyone in class was able to finish two pages of work while he only got up to the second question. That meant that everyone got to something fun after they were done.

DB is very intelligent and he is completely aware that he should be able to do everything the other kids in his class can do because he has the smarts to do it. He just doesn't have the skills. It's so freakin' sad and frustrating.

OMG!!!!!! They expect him to be able to read Rashi script and write the same sentence into Hebrew script. He can't even read Hebrew print that well, if at all. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM?!?!

He said to me tonight that he tells his father he needs easy work, "but Daddy says the work should be hard to help me learn better. But Mommy, Einstein became smart because he didn't give up not because he went to a hard school" Then DB explained that "easy" means that he would be able to do it. "If I don't learn anything this year I will go into fifth grade without any knowledge. I don't want to go to camp this summer 'cause I want to be able to study so I won't forget stuff and I'll be ready for school."

He wants to do well so badly. This is not a lazy child. If he doesn't do his homework, it's because he can't. He gets so scared and says I can't go to school tomorrow my teachers will be angry at me that I haven't done my homework right. He doesn't like asking me for help, but he does. But then his teachers write that he can't have help with certain parts and he cries. Because he wants my help but won't allow himself to have it.

The worst thing about this is that he could go to a different school that would be able to help him, but his father is preventing this from happening. It's just a control issue. So now DB will have to stay in this school until a motion is written, then a cross motion, then possibly another cross motion and then a hearing. It's insane. All because his father doesn't want to believe that anything I say (or 7 other professionals) might be good for DB.

I'm no longer angry at my stbx for anything that has happened between us. I've gotten past that a looooong time ago. BUT the things he does that hurt DB....

AAARGH!!!!!!!!

Bowling With DB

Considering we didn't actually go anywhere for a vacation, like the beach or on a trip, DB and I had a great time in Kansas. We went to the state fair with Saba and saw Swifty The Swimming Swine. Yup, a pig that swims. And believe it or not the pig that had the stall next to Wilbur and won the blue ribbon was there. GIGANTIC HUGE, AND TREMENDOUS are understatements when you describe this porker.

There were three different fun houses to get lost in and we got to pretend we were Superman on a ride where we lied down and flew through the air in circles. The bumper cars were so much fun and we were out to get each other. As soon as it finished we ran back to the entrance and jumped into the same cars we had before. The lines for the rides were non-existent since we went in the middle of the day; not too many people there. DB and his friend that came along each won a stuffed animal and it only took them each one try. The boys couldn't have been happier to spend time together and they walked around bumping into each other on purpose, hitting each other on the head and punching each others' arms.


Yesterday, we saw Ratatouille, went out to dinner and watched fireworks rain down on us in celebration of Bubbi's b-day. Today DB and I went bowling together. He got a spare and Woo Hoo!!! He was jumping down the lane to let everyone there know. Don't forget the stars, constellations and satellites we saw Sunday night. Shabbos was kind of low key which worked out ok because DB's allergies knocked him for a loop. Swollen itchy eyes and a stuffy nose does not a happy kid make. But he did get to beat me at Foosball twice, and he wouldn't let me forget it.


I'm finally getting tired so I think I'll get some rest before taking DB to the allergist in a few hours. Too sleepy to write about the school issue and if he's going and where... oh! there's a new man on the horizon with blue eyes and blonde hair. And I might be spending Shabbos with a fellow blogger... really I have to get some sleep. Sorry about grammar or spelling mistakes a little too tired to check. pleasant dreams

Stars

Tonight was amazing. DB and I got in the car and we were off. Both of us were very excited. We were going to see the stars. The sun was setting and we were driving into the country to a private observatory. On the way we passed a cow close enough to touch and watched as a doe and her fawn nibbled and then skipped away into the woods. The frogs were singing and the crickets were chirping. We didn't even need the sweatshirts we brought along, and it wasn't humid out.... perfect weather and a clear sky.

WOW!!! The Milky Way, Jupiter and three of its moons, watching satellites drift across the sky, Vega with its white blue sparkle, satellite galaxies (globular clusters), twin stars, actually seeing the constellations move as the night wore on... and the very best part recognizing Scorpius and Antares right in the middle of it. DB is a Scorpio and is fascinated with anything having to do with scorpions and other arachnids.

It's a shame that he was too tired to stay out later. I knew he was exhausted when he told me he wanted to go and the sky wasn't completely black on the horizon yet. We left, but the next time we're back in Kansas we will be looking up at the night sky and trying to see the different colored bands on Jupiter.