Make Up

(my mind)

Go away
come back, don't leave
I want you to stay

sit beside me
run from my heart
shut the door (to we)

I'm angry
I'm sad
You can't imagine how mad

I just want to fight
(to be) in your arms
through the night

Different Ways

There's always a way to do something. You just have to figure it out if it's important enough to you.

There's a way in and sometimes it's hard to find the way out.

There are many ways to say good-bye, and quite a few to say hello.

I've had a few new hello's recently. One is from a sweetheart of a man whom I spoke to last night for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, I know I was only supposed to talk to him for 15 minutes. It's obvious from this, and this that I have a pretty thick skull. BUT I'm working on it.

He's 11 years older than I am, but I didn't feel like he was an "old man". He sounds like fun and recently broke a finger playing basketball. I like that, not just because I've done that myself, but because he likes to have fun and do things.

Another hello came from someone 10 years younger than I am. It is hard for me not to doubt that he is really interested in dating me for marriage. But he said he has no problem with bringing me and DB home to his family. He was very open with me about some other things which made me believe what he was saying. BUT I still know that I am gullible and easily taken in so I'm just going to see what happens.

We had a good chat last night for about two hours. And I didn't feel any disparity between us because of the age difference. He called and left a message today to wish me Good Shabbos. I got a nice note from the older guy about our talk last night that also put a smile on my face.

Of course, these two new guys need names. I'll have to come up with something if I think they might be around for awhile. There also another man, but I don't know if he's still interested.

Don't ask me what I'm doing I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to rebound into any relationship. I still have feelings for Cowboy, but I'm trying my best to push them down.

I don't want to talk about him.

update: another man just contacted me hadn't heard from him in a week... he's 13 years older more later...

Still A Dream

I figured that after almost a year and a half of blogging I can bring out an old post or two...

Dreams

Please Hold...

PMSing

Head Cold

My brain and my fingers aren't working that quickly tonight. I've got the beginnings of a head cold, and I'm so glad that Shabbos is tomorrow so I can crash. I'll probably sleep through most of it.

I can't think of anything to write... OH! A couple of people contacted me on Frumster. Don't know how I'm going to proceed. They're good looking, and intelligent. I just don't know if I have the energy or desire.

I couldn't even think of what to write when I was replying to their messages. And y'all might've figured out by now that I am rarely at a loss for words. (I did say rarely--so don't even say anything, and you know that I'm directing this to you!! Stop laughing too!! It's not funny.)

Follow

My Ghost

My thoughts are filled with him. I see someone smile and think of his eyes twinkling. I hear a horn honking and think of him driving. My phone rings and I hope he is calling.

I live with music and every song I hear connects me to him. I can't get away from him. There is nowhere to go to escape his sweet deep voice and rumbling chuckle.

Even my dreams are filled with him... so real that when I wake I'm reaching for him.

He haunts me with his soothing words and chains me to him by the teasing names he calls me.

I miss him but he is not gone from my world.

Another Loss

The Yankees did it again in their fight for last place.

They were up by four runs two separate times with four homeruns and still managed to lose in the 11th inning.

THREE ERRORS!!! WHAT IS THE DEAL!?!?!

I Did It Again

I need to learn to count to 10. OK, I need to count to 100 and then count to 100 AGAIN before I draw any conclusions or react in any way.

Even with the reminder to myself about it, I completely ignored my own advice.

It Took Me A Minute

...or two or ten or actually an hour to figure it out. I thought you did something and it meant something. How could I have thought that??? Geez Louise!!!

If you were here....

Haveil Havalim #167

...is up at Frume Sarah's. She's got lots of links so stop by.

I Don't Just Talk In My Sleep

Y'all already know I talk in my sleep...

I'm tired from driving back to Oz last night. We got in early but then I felt the need to unpack everything and do some cleaning. That's what drinking coffee will do to me.

Feeling kind of hung over from the caffeine. I'm trying to get some work done on my computer, and I felt myself dozing off. I guess I'm not going to be able to work while sitting on my bed today.

Anyway, the next thing I know I'm nodding my head and opening my mouth to say, "OK, OK, I understand." I didn't get the words out because moving my head woke me up.

I wonder if I do anything else in my sleep. Oh, please! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to sleepwalking. Although, I have heard of people who have sex in their sleep. I don't mean the people like my ex who can put you to sleep while having sex because they're so bad. I'm talking about people who are actually sleeping and stay that way while having sex.

I'm trying to figure that one out, and I've got to say that sex must not be that great if they don't even wake up when...

I Miss It

I miss feeling a man's hands on me. I miss being held. I miss long deep passionate kisses. In case you haven't gotten the point yet... I MISS SEX!!!

I was just talking a friend tonight and I couldn't stop laughing when I mentioned that I just (right then and there) realized that this is the first relationship (meaning the one with Cowboy, if you can call it a relationship) in which I've been shomer negiah!!! HYSTERICAL!!!

I mean, c'mon, it's me! And I haven't even kissed him yet, let alone held hands. Whoa!! You have to admit that it's absolutely unbelievable.

Well, it's been getting to me. I miss being with a man. There have been offers... the 25 year olds from Frumster and JDATE along with the 65 year olds. And yes, there have been a few from those who fit into the age category in between.

Remember though, I have to like the guy before anything can happen, and I'd prefer to be interested in him romantically. BUT get real!!! We all know that I have a strong sex drive. OK, OK, a very strong sex drive.

Soooooo, I'll keep y'all posted. I can't go to the mikvah until Monday night. After that.... ;-)

Fun In Kansas

We went to the lake, and did some fishing and paddle boating. DB was the self-appointed captain, first mate and quarter-master "because I've seen all the pirate movies." When he announced this, Saba was trying his very best not to laugh out loud. I would love to take DB out sailing then he can really be captain.

He's turning out to be a really good fisherman and has the next spot he wants to try all picked out. His casting is so natural now, and he's at the point that he's ready to bait his own hooks. I can't wait until he does then I won't have to cut the nightcrawlers and put the hook through them... not the most pleasant of responsibilities.

We had a barbecue and did some swimming at a cousin's pool.

DB is exhausted, but happy. The only thing that didn't quite work out was that he wanted to take home the yellow perch we caught... not to eat them, but to keep them as pets. He even went all by himself and asked the park ranger, who told him it was fine. OY!!! That made it so much harder for him to put them back in the lake.

We finally convinced him that they would be dead by the time we got them into an aquarium. There were tears from DB, but he said good-bye. Then he promised them that next time he would bring a bucket to carry them home in, and have the aquarium ready and waiting.

Jake and Jack... DB's catch and good friends.

Everything Gets Better In Time

Just needed a little reminder to myself to be patient and not react to things immediately and emotionally. Will someone puh-leeeeeeze hit me over the head with a brick so that maybe this will somehow get through this thick skull of mine!!!!! UGH!!!

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

His Song Part 2

He hides behind words
and write in riddles
hoping to be discovered
by the one he loves

pushing her away
he tries harder
everyday
to win her

the tears he cannot shed
live forever in his head
and his blood keeps on pulsing
through this unforgiving world

smiling, she passes by
he struggles to let go and fly
to join on her journey
the dreams she longs to live

reality pushes them apart
and he struggles for her heart
to capture his fleeing soul

joined as one
they fall into the sun
and their love consumes them

Recognition

There's this man that I've seen around a couple of times. Actually, more than a couple.

The first time I saw him we both kind of did a double take. We most certainly did not know each other, but there was a connection, a recognition of something there. Of course, every time after that when we saw each other there was a silent understanding. I don't remember ever smiling at him, and I smile at everyone. Believe it or not there was never any flirting between the two of us. He never smiled at me either, but we always looked each other in the eye and knew.

He's younger than I am, but he's not a guy. He's a man. There's a way that he holds himself; a confidence, a surety. And I wasn't sure if he is/was married. I'm still not sure.

I saw him about a month ago. He came into the store, and there was that instant knowing. I looked up and saw that he was caught by surprise to find me working there. We didn't say anything to each other. I was busy helping other people. He walked around as if he didn't remember what he had come in to buy, and then he left.

Yesterday, he showed up in the store again, but it was empty. There were no other customers, and I was laughing with another employee. I looked up and there were his eyes looking down into mine. He smiled back and for the first time I spoke to him.

I helped him find what he was looking for and he joined in on the joking around. There was still an unspoken acknowledgement between us, and then he left. I did get to find out that he is intelligent and funny, but still not sure if he's married or not.

Laughing

I just got off the phone with Petey and I'm still giggling. Our conversation went from subject of divorce to phantom sex to the CIA to Bamba, and I actually got him to laugh too.

Life is much easier when you can laugh at things that are so horrible they are unbelievable. Personally I prefer to laugh at just about everything including myself (some of the things I do are pretty ridiculous).

Which reminds me, I got my gas cap stolen today while I was at work. No, I didn't get gas on my way to work and have the serviceman forget to put it on. I was walking to my car after work and saw the gas door open. I checked and my gas cap was gone. The funny thing about it was that my car was completely unlocked and they could have taken anything they wanted.

What is even better is that I left my keys in the ignition. They could have taken the whole car. I couldn't stop laughing as I was driving home. The thought came to me that they realized the gas cap was worth more than the whole car so why bother taking the rest of it. This made me laugh even harder.

It's Time

I'm going to be cutting my hair within the next month. It might be this Friday, right before Shavuos, or right after Shavuos. I've got at least a foot of hair that will go to Locks Of Love. It's probably closer to 14 inches.

My hair hangs down my back past the bottom of my shoulder blades. I usually cover it with a baseball cap. That way I can just wash it in the morning and not have to spend up to an hour blow drying it and fixing it. I stick it in a ponytail that's doubled up to keep it out of my face and off my neck, and I'm out the door.

I've grown a little attached to my hair, but summer's coming and I know how comfortable short hair can be. Plus swimming is so much easier without having to worry about hair in your face... not to mention going to the mikvah. OMG!!! I won't have to spend 10 minutes combing out my hair. HOORAY!!!

Haveil Havalim #166

The Mommy Blogger edition is up and Ima on (and off) the Bima did a great job!!!

Tension Can Be Painful

My shoulder and neck hurt. A friend of mine says that I am carrying a lot of weight on them. I don't know about that.

What I do know is that I am so thankful for those air activated sticky heating pads. They loosen up my neck and take some of the pain away. Without them I would be stuck at home with a plugged in heating pad on my shoulder or standing in a hot shower letting the water pound out the knots.

What I would really love is to have some strong hands massaging these painful spasms away. Until that time, I will take advil, try to stop clenching my jaw (it just adds to the tightness in my neck that travels up to and into my ear), and try to relax.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's hard to sleep when you're tossing and turning trying to find a way to get comfortable.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember what show this phrase is from and who used to say it?

Bee-dee, bee-dee, bee-dee...

For some strange reason Petey said "bee-dee" while we were talking today. We were both immediately reminded of a tv show we watched when we were younger, much younger.

A Passing Afternoon

Passing Afternoon - Iron & Wine

There are times that walk from you
Like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn
But the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away
Like our endless numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe
In the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls it's children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass
All our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children until she lets them go at last
And she's chosen where to be
Though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall
Blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers
Rolling around the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea
Only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the window closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes
And they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

You Know You're Tired When...

you're talking to your friend in Israel and you want to charge your phone so you won't have to worry about it dying on you tomorrow...


BUT just can't remember where you put it!!!


It appears that even though I'm not a blonde anymore some of the ditziness still remains.

Do They Even Have A Pulse?

What is the deal with the Yankees?????

OMG!!!! How am I supposed to explain this to DB?!?!?

Last night was Mets 7-4 over the Yankees and tonight I can't even bear to write it.

The sad sad news can be found here.

Make The World Go Away

Eddy Arnold was a giant. Here's Martina singing and if I could I would to make you smile.

I'm A Country Gal And It Was A Good Day

Sitting here watching the ACM's, that's the American Country Music Awards for you city folk, I'm a happy camper singing along and tapping the computer keyboard in time to the music. There's a big grin on my face. I've had a pretty good day, and I can't ask for anything more because the DB was with me for part of it smiling, shooting some hoops and even tangoing his mom across the gym floor without an ounce of embarrassment.

It's funny how other people pick up on how you're feeling. Well, with me it's kind of obvious. OK, it's almost unavoidable to know how I'm feeling if you're near me or even talking to me on the phone. It's also neat to see how people are attracted to you when you're happy.

I went to pick up dinner tonight and a guy who works there was ready to pay for it for me, not to mention a single homey from Kansas who was flirting with me while I was at work and trying to find out if I was divorced or dating anyone. Then there was the customer who told me I had a great smile and wanted to know what hours I was in the store.

And I got a bonus today, a bracha from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski for DB and he added on one for me too.

Earlier in the day, Bubbi was complaining of the noise her car was making. When I let her know it was just her muffler she told Zaidy that it was a little bit loose he asked, "How do you know?"

"CR told me."

"OK, we'll get it fixed," was what he replied, and it made Bubbi laugh because he didn't even question her once she told him that I was the one who diagnosed the problem.

It made me laugh too, when she told me. In case you haven't figured it out, Zaidy/Abba questions everything, and anything, and anyone's opinions. But not my judgement on car problems... too funny!

The bris was lots of fun and we had a huge family picture taken which didn't even include even 1/4 of the family, but still amounted to a whole bunch of people who love each other smiling next to one another.

OH! And when I got home from work Bubbi/Mom handed me a bag with some jewelry I had thought was lost forever; a signet ring, I got on my 16th birthday, my dad's watch that he got when graduating high school, he gave it to me when I did the same, plus some other pieces that had sentimental value. I have a ring on each hand right now, and it makes me feel so girly and fancy even with my fingernails that are bitten down to nothing.

All in all it was a good day.

Of course, the music and familiar accents just add even more to it. I hope you all had a good day too.

btw-how could I forget all the hugs and kisses from little ones and their parents.

The Ones You Love

OK, so I have the title, but what about the rest.

This is just going to be a rambling post. It feels like I haven't posted in a couple of days. I guess I'm getting used to writing. It's become something that I miss like a loved one far away. Perhaps you don't think of them every second, but when your world gets quiet they fill your thoughts.

I had some strange dreams over Shabbos. And I mean STRANGE! My dreams are usually very vivid and that includes this one. I can even remember the street signs and the names of the people I met. It started with someone moving in next door to my mom's house. A couple around my age, with no kids, and a spotted mutt.

They were celebrating their anniversary with a good friend (guy), and their parents. Somehow I got pulled into it and we were watching old movies. The friend and I were hitting it off because I was impressed with the fact he knew the names of the actors and had seen other movies starring them. Actually, the real reason why I was impressed was that the movies were romantic ones, and he just didn't strike me as the type of guy who would watch them let alone remember them.

I felt pulled towards him and shy and embarrassed at the same time which, of course, caused me to trip over my own feet while helping carry the dessert plates to the kitchen. I could feel my face turn warm, and can feel it right now even though it was only a dream.

You can tell that dream was definitely realistic. Sooo something that I would do. Except in real life the plates would have crashed to the floor breaking into pieces.

When I left the house I couldn't remember his name, and I remember getting all flustered again and hoping he didn't notice. Of course, that wasn't the case. He winked like he knew what I was feeling which ended up with me almost falling down the stairs outside.

My dream somehow shifted to ex-boyfriends. (Yes, I have a lot of them) Moshe was the one who had the starring role. In the dream he wanted to marry me. I thought it was kind of funny in my dream because we cared about each other very much in real life, but I don't think he ever really felt that way about me. Just to let you know, I sometimes recognize the fact that I'm dreaming or that my dreams incorporate so much of real life that during them I'm trying to figure out when things actually took place, or feelings changed.

Back to Moshe... He looked like Moshe, blonde hair, blue eyes, Cubs baseball cap, white T-shirt, blue jeans and several inches taller than I was. He spotted me from his apartment where he was having a party and his buddies started yelling at me to stop. They were shouting that Moshe had something important to ask me. I remember being very surprised because it was during a Cub's game, and nothing came between Mosh and his Cubs, but there he was running across the lawn to me. I started running away once I realized what it was he was going to ask me.

I've always loved Moshe. No! Not like that. Even though, we did fool around a bit. I met Moshe my first year in seminary and we both went back second year. You might think that I was rebellious and didn't respect my teachers and rebbeim, but that wasn't the case, even though he did sleep over in our apartment one night. That was a fun night. And no, I wasn't thrown out, even though I walked into sem the next day sporting a hickey in plain sight.

OK, back to the crazy dream. Before Mosh had a chance to ask me the dream slipped into a different scene. It was Pesach and my family was having a seder with another ex-boyfriend's family. They've never really met, and I remember being surprised that we were all together. The ex wasn't there though. At some point his parents made a disparaging comment about me, and my mother took umbrage. (No, I don't use the word umbrage in my regular speech, but it fits here and it's fun to do.) A big fight ensued and I slipped out the door not wanting to get involved.

That's when Mark, Izzy, and some other exes showed up, and I got lost trying to get to some other friends. I was wearing pink yummy fleece pajamas, my winter coat, my big clodhopper snow boots and my usual baseball cap, Yankees, of course.

The rest of this dream will have to wait...

And I think that I'll also write the post that should go with the above title.

Realize

Impress me

My Friend, Petey

I’m so silly, and I’m so lucky. I’m lucky that I have a good friend. Let’s call him Petey. He makes me laugh and always has, even though his jokes are so, so, so very horrible. He listens. And not only that he has the answers to my questions. That is a major feat!!!

Petey explains and reminds me of things that I should be able to know and remember by myself. My emotions sometimes get in the way. The funny thing is that sometimes we are both talking about someone or something completely different than what the other one thinks and yet his advice still seems to apply. It's obvious that we're both strange. Yes, Petey, you're strange, but you knew that already.

He helps me keep my head on straight, and not get into too much trouble. I get lectures sometimes (alright, about once a week) on different matters, and it doesn’t bother me in the least. It means he cares, and I appreciate it.

He gets me to laugh while I’m in the middle of crying. OK, OK, it’s not that difficult to do. And yes, I already know I’m weird. Just about everyone who's ever read my blog can attest to that.

I guess the real reason for this post is so that I can say, "Thank you, Petey. And I'll bet you a nickel you never figure out why I called you that."

btw- Your offer to call blew me away.

A New Mother's Day

One of my many cousins actually lives in Oz, and on Mother's Day she became a mom for the first time. Both baby boy and mommy are doing fine.

MAZEL TOV!!!! MAZEL TOV!!!!

He Called

He called. Cowboy that is.

But don't ask me what's going on. I don't think either of us know.

It was enough for now just to hear the voice I love so much.

I Miss You

I miss you. Even if I could write I miss you at the beginning of every sentence I send to you, it cannot describe the loss I feel at not being able to hear your voice. I can't see the words I'm typing because my tears blur the screen.

I haven't slept. I've tried, but I only start crying and feel my chest ache to the point that I hold my hands against it to keep it from ripping apart. The tears fall slowly one by one down my face or in a torrent of sobs that shake my body and make me gasp for air.

I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you. It hurts. It hurts that I don't know how you are. I'm davening. I'm asking Hashem to take care of you and make you happy... to let you smile and laugh.

Can't Sleep

...and I miss him.

Remember

Friends Don't Let Friends Write Sleepy (I mean "while sleepy" Just another reason why.)

When it's late at night I get more emotional not to mention the fact that this increases with the amount of sleep that I have gone without. It's not like I'm drunk just a helluva lot more emotional. In case y'all didn't notice, I'm an emotional person to begin with.

I got back to Oz yesterday evening, but I couldn't sleep because of the caffeine that I had earlier in the day. The night before I was up late doing laundry otherwise I never would've had the caffeine to begin with. So even though I was wired, I was also exhausted. It's kind of difficult to think straight like that, and of course, I felt the need to write out my emotions.

Actually, what I think I need to do is wait a day before I post, talk to someone or get emotional when I'm tired. Now I understand the sayings; Let me sleep on it, and Things will look different in the morning.

btw-last week I didn't get too much sleep... not an excuse, just an explanation

Needless to say, I shouldn't even be posting this.

Am I... When I...

Swallowing Tears

How do you swallow the tears to numbness
Forgetting what was there
The joy lifting you above is now shoved down
with the pain
Silent drops escape and my chest is sore
from being ripped in two.
In the sun it is easier to pretend life is fine
but at night it will not be contained
and flows into a river of hurt down the worn tread of thrown away dreams
memories of what could have been follow my footsteps dodging my happiness
trying to forget what never existed
my tired eyes cannot see the future
clouded by visions of unknown ecstasy
the knot gets stuck in my throat and will not go down easily
pulling us with it.

The Final Word

Said in anger there is finality

with sadness there is longing

in joy for the certainty of again

and too quickly, followed by regret

DB's List

At brunch today we went around the room and everyone mentioned what they loved the best about their mom. DB was second and he brought tears to my eyes. "I love my mom 'cause she helps me with homework." That's true. We sit together sometimes for hours working.

"I also love my mom because she got me Cutie." That's his cat. Since DB doesn't have any brothers or sisters to commiserate with when mom has been "unfair", I made sure he had a pet to tell all his troubles too. She's one of his best friends in the world.

The last thing DB said was what surprised me and touched me, "I love my mom because she finds the bright side to things." Wow! I felt so proud of my son for recognizing this trait and appreciating it. The other adults gave me looks over his head as if to say you have a very special boy. He hasn't even made it into double digits, but his confidence and ability to express himself is something I would expect of a much older child.

We have a lot of craziness in our lives, and I try to keep things easy and simple for DB. Sometimes it's just not possible, and that's when I try to find something good in what's going on. In some instances, there's just no way to do this, and it would also be denying the awfulness of what's taking place. But whenever I can I try to find something that DB and I can smile and laugh over.

The weird thing about this is that I admire this trait in DB, and I've told him so. I guess I didn't realize that I was the one he was learning it from.

Dirty Clothes

Does laundry ever end???? I'm getting kind of tired.

Haveil Havalim #165

...Happy 60th Birthday Israel Edition is up at the shack.

And Happy Mother's Day!!!!!

Just Listen

When I talk to my friends about things that are going on in my life I don't expect answers or solutions. In fact, I don't usually appreciate them. I just need to talk. I usually know exactly what's going on and what needs to be done. This is my life after all. I just need to vent or hear my thoughts out loud.

I try my best to do this for my friends too. It used to be much more difficult. I hurt when the people I care about hurt, and I used to want to solve everything. I find that listening is appreciated more, and if they really need advice my friends will ask for it.

Even if I share similar characteristics to you, what you might find a workable solution may not necessarily apply to me. I am my own person and make my own choices so it bothers me if someone feels that they are responsible for giving me "bad advice" and what occurs afterwards. In no uncertain terms, is that true. For one thing, if you give me advice it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm taking it. For another, by apologizing for the advice you gave, it is as if you are assuming direct responsibility for my actions.

I love my friends, but I resent when they do that. If I choose to do something, it may not be because of your advice even if you did mentioned it.

I know I'm a little bit touchy about this. It might come from the fact that I lived under someone's control for quite some time and had to work very hard to break free of it.

Thanks for listening.

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns the boat to the cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


hat tip: Doll

Give Me More

I don't like one word answers. I like reasons, and explanations.

I like to know why something took place or how come you feel a certain way.

I want to understand before I can accept. And I hate the answer that there is no rationale or logic for things to be the way they are.

If you feel a certain way, I want to know how you came to this point.

I don't know if I want to know all of this because I'm curious or because I feel that there is always a causality.

All I do know is that it's easier to explain to me the answer why, as opposed to telling me to do something because you said so. It usually also takes less time.

btw-I've noticed that same thing applies to DB

Haveil Havalim #164

No Names Edition is up. I'm running a little late this week.

No New Name

I like names, nicknames, middle names, Hebrew names. I've written about names before, and I'm really coming to see that what I've written is true with regard to people making up names for me. I've just started a new job, and already have several new nicknames. Obviously, I get along well with the people I work with and they feel the same.

It's funny because one of them said, "I was thinking of a name for you, and I've bet you've never been called ________." I had to tell him he was wrong and that in high school and then last year people called me that.

"OK, so how 'bout this? _______." Once again, I let him know that although people haven't been calling me by it lately, someone has already used that one.

I haven't heard him use my name since then so I imagine he's still trying to come up with something else. I'll keep you posted.

Summer Nights

It's warm out tonight. The sky isn't that dark yet. It's all blue, a light sky color, to royal, to a deep midnight blue. It's part of my favorite time of night. I love the color blue. The stars are out and I recognize Orion in the familiar place it takes in the summer sky at this time of year.

I used to have a hammock, and in the warm weather instead of sitting on the glider in DB's room and reading his bedtime stories, he would lie cuddled next to me on it under the stars with the three books chosen for that night. When it was really warm out we would go out with his hair still wet from his bath and it would keep us both cool. Once or twice he fell asleep while we did this, and I just stayed there for an hour or two looking up at the stars feeling content that my darlin' boy was peaceful and next to me.

I hadn't thought about this for awhile. DB is bigger now. He doesn't fit that well on my lap when I'm on the glider so we read in his bed. The stories are also different; The Count of Monte Cristo, The Last Of The Mohicans, but Dr. Seuss hasn't left the group quite yet, although Green Eggs And Ham, and Hop On Pop have.

I know that if DB weren't dyslexic I wouldn't be reading him any bedtime stories at all. That's about the only good thing that I can see in him being dyslexic. There are times now when he wants to "read" something on his own, and the occasions that I sing to him our repertoire of lullabies are also decreasing.

He's growing up... beautifully. I remember the day I walked into his room in the morning and he was standing up for the first time holding onto the crib rails with a big grin of accomplishment on his face. It took me all of a minute to grab my camera and record it for posterity, but I didn't really need to. Closing my eyes, I can still see that sweet face smiling at me.

His manners are also improving. I wrote improving, after all he is a boy and a child, but yesterday I didn't need to remind him to hold open the door for Bubbi and to say thank you. We stopped in a gallery and DB stood talking to the owner about Chagall, texture and color and how he paints. He is so grown up for a little munch, but the next moment he was discussing who is a stronger alien in the cartoon Ben 10 (tv show he watches with his dad), and acting out what the character does.

He's a special boy, and I'm so lucky to be his mom. I hope all you other mom's (including mr. moms) enjoy your children and have a Happy Mother's Day.

His Song

You touch my heart with words that are not yours
Reaching out for love
Breaking down the doors
Our world of hidden pain
Cannot be forgotten
I yearn for your soul
And stand in the rain

The sky falls down upon me
And I watch while you appear
In a cloud above me
And I’m still standing here

Reaching through the miles traveled in our lives
People we’ve become
As we tell ourselves the lies
To keep us living
Moving forward every day
While looking for that someone
Who can show our hearts the way

The sky falls down upon me
And I watch while you appear
In a cloud above me
And I’m still standing here

Wait for me I’m coming to share your inner world
Reaching for your hand
Knowing we can share the gold

The sky falls down upon me
And I watch while you appear
In a cloud above me
And I’m still standing here

In the joy of our souls meeting the dreams can fade away
We can start to live our life
And move on to the new day
The sky opens up above us
And we watch the sun appear
Together we are smiling
As we throw away the fear

Love Songs

Gavin DeGraw

The end to Cinema Paradiso (partial nudity, very briefly)

Josh Groban singing the song to Cinema Paradiso

Almost Lover to scenes from Becoming Jane.

Living A Story

Her writing fills her life
As living never does
Dreams and poems become real
Closing her eyes
Trying to hide behind written pictures of joy and passion
Tears flow with the words and pour from her fingers

And I know the sorrow
Wishing for the fulfillment in her stories
Hoping for a life of her dreams

To go back in time and start again wouldn't help
To go forward would only make the past less familiar
I don't want to let go of the hurt that releases him
To know that not even cries remain
When they are gone so is his existence in my world
Just another character imagined in my life of books
Rereading friends and living the lives of others
To disappear from my own
Sometimes the hurt and pain continue through the day,a dull ache
At others, a familiar song stabs my memory
And rips his loving words from my heart with an anguished cry

To live for others is only existing
I hide behind smiles
Believing that none can see the dull pain of alone

She doesn't search through crowds for his face
To recognize his walk in a crowd
Straining to see... hoping he is returning to her
But knowing that will never be
Even with their meeting.

How do you live with sorrow?
Is it forgotten in a drawer with letters folded and worn from longing?
The memories of caring words in deep voices fill my mind
And the suffering leaks down my face
Cooling the passion that is still there.

Don't leave me
Don't let me leave you
Don't say goodbye
Don't wish me well
Just go and give me forgetting your laugh
So that I can continue on my walk for others
Across an empty world

Becoming Jane

Happy endings can be written
but not lived with the passion
and yearning for their life together

Alone in the future with words for company
each story ending with love
while her own must continue without
not willing to hurt him through his family

Doing what is right and necessary
Instead of what is wanted
For a love never to be lived
but imagined and dreamt
Created with characters

each one, him
each hero, him

because her thoughts are full of him
and the only way to rid herself of them
is to give them to others
as she has given him to others

Everyday, every night
She remembers his behaviors and tones
With a smile on her face.
Hoping that he is happy
That what she has lost
He has gained without her

She was never erased
Always a reminder
In a name of a beloved child

It does not still the beating of her heart
or dry the tears on her soul

He has not forgotten


If only he had,
then perhaps one day she will.

She Wouldn't Listen Anyway

I just found out that DB's dad, my ex, got engaged the last days of Pesach. While I am very happy for this occurrence I do feel bad for her. If I felt it would do any good, I would tell her the reasons why I wanted a divorce and that she should protect herself and her children and run very fast and far away.

I like her. She's sweet and treats DB nicely which is extremely important. It sounds like she comes from a nice family because her parents also treat DB well. I just feel so bad for her children and worry about their safety like I worry about DB's when he's with his dad.

It would be nice to think that the ex has changed, but because of his recent behavior I know that isn't so.