Heaven

A smile teases my lips
with thoughts of
hearing him
draw a chill down my spine
sharing the joy of pleasures
and the dreams of together
my heart opens to his knowing boldness
a blush of sultry
colors the innocence of love
a deepened laugh answered by a sensual purr
and a soft blanket of ecstacy warms the delight
of kindred spirits running through the stars

Not Making Sense

I've started four new posts within the past 2 days, but I couldn't finish them. The posts are about HIM. Then, just like now, my emotions are all jumbled up and get stuck on the way out. The words are there but I'm tripping on them. Maybe I'll stop worrying about sentences and whether or not it makes sense, and write it down anyway.

Yes, I care about him... deeply, and not just sexually, although there is definitely major chemistry there. miss him want to trace his face with my fingertips and feel safe in his arms. he understands me like no one I've ever met, and knows what I'm thinking before I do. Sometimes I don't think he's real... just a fantastic creation of my overactive imagination. He's a man, but I can see the boy that still lives inside of him.

I could talk to him for hours, and sometimes I catch myself smiling just because I'm listening to his voice. I'm trying to figure this out and I've spoken to some friends about him. I'm not used to this.

Haveil Havalim #155

...is up at the shack. Even though Jack sounds exhausted (check out his voice-killer), he's done another great job!

Triggers

my body reacts
with heat
and my thoughts race
to catch my breath
a thundering beat rushes blood to my face
when I imagine him

how?
why?
is it possible?
my mind trying to unwrap the answers

of this lust,
craving to
experience him

ringing hypnotizes me
and the distance fades with the sound of his voice
my silence endures
his soft laughter
betraying me,
confessing my desperate need without words
whispering kisses and love
I listen for his smile and am content

Another Lesson Learned

What number am I up to now??? I'm talking about the lessons I've learned about dating. Just in case y'all can't figure this one out, I had a date. Yup, it was just one. That was enough.

The thing is... I spoke to him for about 4 hours in our first conversation. OK, OK... I like to talk, but it was an easy and fun conversation. He was not the type of guy that most people would think I would date. Hey, I wasn't even sure I would date him, but I decided to give him a chance.

He looked great on paper... on computer screen. He was intelligent, read science fiction, liked Van Morrison, opera, jazz and ballet. So we talked and talked. I recently made the decision to start talking to a guy instead of doing the messaging through Frumster to e-mailing back and forth then to im'ing and finally phone conversation. It was just to much effort. I would rather know if I could actually get along with someone enough to go out with them before investing so much time and hope.

I've been surprised a couple of times when the guy I'm speaking to over the phone is not the same personality as the one to whom I've been writing to back and forth. Some guy or maybe even girl out there is making money off of writing messages for nervous daters. Cyrano de Bergerac ala the computer age. I wonder if they are even paid by both sides to have a correspondence between themselves and no one the wiser.

So this guy and I spoke and then made plans to go out in the near future. It just so happened that the opportunity presented itself the next day. I jumped at it because I've also discovered that a good phone conversation does not necessarily equal chemistry or attraction in person. Needless to say it didn't work out.

Soooooo, I have now learned that I cannot speak for an extended period of time on the phone before meeting someone. It's just who I am. Some people feel safer and do better with spending all that time writing and talking, but it doesn't work for me. I just get my hopes up and then.... "Surprise!!! I'm not who you imagined me to be." I've got a good imagination so this might actually be what trips me up.

OH!! I did just want to let some of you know that I met him in the city. He had offered to come and pick me up except it just didn't make any sense. He works in the city, we were going to go out to have dinner there and he would've had to take the train home and then drive to me. It was the fact that he offered which made me feel comfortable about driving in to meet him. Not like the more recent guy who felt it was an imposition to come and get me that's why I was surprised by his actions on the date.

When we met I knew immediately that he just didn't do it for me, but I felt that I had to give it a chance anyway. The little things are what really turned me off. He walked very fast and expected me to keep up. Actually, he didn't even notice when I wasn't walking next to him. I was contemplating turning around, walking in the other direction and heading home, but I figured I might as well have dinner. He also didn't make sure that I had room to walk next to him. It was a bad start.

At the restaurant he didn't move out of the way to allow people to get by him, and he left his bag in a spot that made it more difficult for people to walk in and out. That basically did it, but I didn't let him know. I'm not the kind of person who can be rude or tell a date by my actions that I'm not the least bit interested. Plus I decided that since I was out I might as well enjoy myself, and I did for the most part.

There were other things that he did that turned me off, but it just fit in with the behavior that he exhibited earlier. A word of advice to you gentlemen out there, the little things count... BIG TIME!!!

So the next guy I date I will hardly know. We will write to exchange phone numbers and then talk a little to see if it's worth arranging a date. Yeah right, I'd love to see me actually hang up after 15 minutes or even a half hour. Since I'm going to (try to) do it this way, I think that I might end up meeting the next guy/s I date instead of having them pick me up because I just won't know them that well (that's for you, Gila and Webgirl). But that doesn't mean that I don't want them to offer to come and get me.

btw-will someone please tell me why my spellcheck isn't working??

No Surprise

You Are a Super Flirt!

You have almost every guy under your spell, and you totally work a room You can charm almost anyone you desire - including your friends men Sometimes your flirty ways arouse jealousy from others, but it's all in fun You secretly crave another super flirt who will put you to the test

What Kind of Flirty Girl Are You?

Too Funny!!

What is Your Shakespearian Tragic Flaw?

One step at a time, okay?
Take this quiz!








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The Future

misty air brushes my skin
walking through a Casablanca cloud of drizzles
my heart trudges through this English fog of loneliness
separated by sight but not sound
listening for the footsteps of my future
loving the cadence of his quick step
moving closer,

my throat closes when I try to call out
his path does not cross mine
the splash of tires
takes him
and I wish for the company of strangers
to stand with me on the bridge to forever

Haveil Havalim #154

Esser Agaroth is hosting Haveil Havalim #154, and Ben Yehuda did a great job!!

Reality?

rolling over into his arms
I murmur sleepily
and his soft chuckle tickles my ear.
He knows what I'm thinking before I do
and eases me with understanding.

His offer of safety beckons me,
and I willingly accept
with soft yeses
mouthing the words

he gives me

from my own heart.

confusion surrounds me in a haze of passion
burned off by unuttered consequences
He rescues me from the drowning sands of a protected heart
and brushes off the loneliness along with my clothes.
His searing eyes welcoming me to my unsealed emotions

admitting his control within
my body opens private desires
Experiences unfulfilled become reality
when spoken aloud by his caressing lips.
Phone calls and sweaty smiles
leave me comforted with dreams of meeting

Swinging

Get your mind out of the gutter!! I'm talking about playgrounds. Last week I went with a friend and our children to a park. It was so much fun. I think I might have had as good if not a better time than the kids did.

The first place the munchkins headed was to the swings, and I was the designated pusher while my friend was on the phone trying to get a date. As soon as he hung up, I jumped onto an available swing and stayed there for at least a half hour. I only stopped swinging to take off my jacket. It was about 50 degrees out maybe a little more, and all that pumping and pushing was getting me hot even though I didn't have my shoes on. One had fallen off while I was flying through the air, and instead of stopping my fun to get it I just kicked off the other one.

I guess it looked like I was having a good time because my friend got on the swing next to me and away we went. When I looked over the playground it seemed that almost all the adults and some of the older children thought we were the main attraction, and I guess we were because of how far up we were able to get.

There was just no way that I was going to let him swing higher than I could. My stomach did little turns that made me giggle when I was at the peak of the swing and I came out of the seat a little. It felt like free fall. My laughter didn't stop there. I was just having so much fun and felt so alive that it would spontaneously burst out of me with a big grin on my face accompanying it.

I did get off the swings (reluctantly) when children were waiting for their turns, but only by jumping off. It was too bad that there was a fence because then I would have tried to jump off with the swing higher and higher in the air just like I did in fourth grade.

The next best thing to swinging is playing "run around." When you chase children and they run away from you yelling and screaming with big smiles on their faces while looking back to make sure that you're coming to get them. It all started with some crinkly, dry leaves and a child who decided that I would look great wearing them on my head. The children were trying to get them into my clothes, and I was just trying to make sure that my clothes were still covering my body. Only then did I ask my friend if it had been possible for people to see up my skirt while I was on the swings. He told me no because he had tried and didn't get to see anything. Of course, I couldn't stop cracking up at that.

We stayed in the park until the shadows were getting longer and the air turned colder. There was a part of me that wanted to stay until the park closed. That was when the adult took over and I left the child behind on the swings, but I took the smile and laughter with me.

Not Your Average Bear...

Boo Boo.

Okay, let's clarify. I'm not your normal girl/woman, Bais Yaakov or otherwise. I can hear you guys saying, "Yeah yeah, CR, tell us something new." But I just want to let you know that as far as I remember I was always like this.

I was the only girl in my school whose parents were divorced. I was the only girl in my school who read science fiction, and the fact that I took the SATS in seventh, eighth and ninth grade didn't help me fit in either. But the most distinguishing characteristic of all that separated me from the other girls, was that I had no relatives living in Oz.

I really felt the pain of being different when I was in eighth grade. I tried to fit in so desperately, but it just didn't work out the way I wanted. Towards the middle of that year I came to the realization that I was going to be happy with who I was, and friends with everyone. When the cool girls were friendly and wanted to hang, we did; when they didn't, I hung around with the "nebby" girls, the "spazs", the "brains", and girls in the older and younger grades. That doesn't really sound right. What I mean is that if someone just wanted to be my friend it automatically meant that she was.

I went to B'nos, Bnei Akiva, and NCSY. To all you smart asses out there, No, I didn't go to Pirchei, but I had some buds who did. I finally did find a crowd of my own, but I still didn't feel 100% accepted. I guess no one really does, but when you're a teenager the only person that you think is suffering is you.

I was speaking with a friend tonight, and we were talking about how people in her family think about her. That conversation brought the past back to me, and it hurt to hear the pain in her voice. I'm very lucky that my family never cared what I did. Well, yes they did, but what I mean was they never cared if I was different. Maybe that's because my family is so diverse and yes, strange. They only were concerned if you didn't follow your heart not if you followed the norm.

Accepting people for who they are without judging is now an intrinsic part of who I am. I'm trying to pass this along to DB and it makes me proud to see through the different children that he has chosen as friends that he is already internalizing this trait.

Dream Man

your rumbling sweet voice in my ear
but you
are not next to me

I see your face in a crowd of strangers
but we are
separated by more than space
and your footsteps echo in my empty dreams

the understanding in your eyes
opens
the hidden sorrows of my soul
erased by the passion of your unfelt touch

I wake in the glory of shared exaltation
missing you

Haveil Havalim #153

Ill Call Baila is hosting Haveil Havalim #153. It's her first time and she's done a great job!! Thanks Baila.

The Good Man

I've been thinking about Mr. Right, and Mr. Right Now for awhile and realized that what I'm really looking for is a "Good Man."

When a guy impresses me to such an extent I usually call him "a good guy" It's one of the highest compliments I can give. I used to think that I was looking for that "good guy", but now I realize that it's a man I want. A Good Man.

So I started to try to figure out what does that really mean to me. Is it someone who helps an old lady across the street, who volunteers at a soup kitchen in his spare time, or is it someone who donates a large portion of his money to tzedaka?

Although all of those things are highly commendable, I realized that it wasn't what made someone a "Good Man"...at least not to me.


It's the man who gets out of bed every morning and goes to work, but doesn't forget to kiss his kids and wish them good luck on their test that day. It's the man who sheepishly forgets the anniversary, but thanks his wife when he walks in to a clean home and dinner on the table. It's the man who gets annoyed when someone cuts him off in traffic, but will walk away from or even try to break up a fight. He's an ordinary man, but inside of him there is goodness, patience, and thankfulness that although his life is ordinary it's still special to him. He understands that it's the little things, a look, touch, note, or a joke that can be shared between us.

This "Good Man" is a grown up, but that does not preclude him from acting like a child and getting down on the floor and wrestling with the kids, dog, and cat (all at the same time). This "Good Man" loves life and what he has of it. He wants to give to his family things that he believes they will enjoy and his time also.

The most important part of this description is the fact that he is a man and recognizes I'm a woman. I've probably alienated a few of you out there with that statement, but I believe there is a difference and I'm glad for it to be recognized. And yes, I'm aware that I wrote above that he's thankful to have a clean home and dinner on the table, but that doesn't mean he won't make dinner too. It's just that I want to be at home with the kids so Mr. Mom is not what I'm looking for, but I know of men like that.

I respect them all the more because they are still "Men" even though they are many times viewed as less than by others of the same and opposite sex. Yes, this is my opinion, but I've recognized these feelings through other's treatment, condescension and ignoring of the father for the mother's take on a certain matter when he is the more knowledgeable one with regard to their children.

What am I really trying to say here while I ramble on and on? I guess I want a caring, loving individual comfortable in his own skin who is interested and willing to share his life, love and time with his family, and is grateful for the chance to be able to do so and deserves to be respected for his efforts the same way that he respects the many different people he encounters daily.

Hey!!!! Don't forget he's got to be good in bed too. C'mon, you really didn't think that I would write a post about men and not bring up sex? Did you????


btw-Since I haven't found him yet, I'm sure that there will be updates to this post in the future

Through Other's Eyes

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine where I disagreed with what was said, but I knew that it wouldn't matter how I explained the situation he wouldn't be able to see it the way I did. I was able to view it the way he did and realized how important this was to him...just as important to me, too... maybe even more so, which is another thing I don't think he could understand. That is why I didn't get into it. He couldn't see, and I knew from the way he was talking, couldn't hear any reasons, or explanations as to how what he was saying might not be the case.

On the other hand, I could be wrong. But I know who I am and what my strengths are and I'm able to see a tremendous amount in people and relationships. And to some of you out there who think that I might be oblivious or that I deny what I'm feeling, I don't. I just won't admit it to you. Trust me I know what I'm feeling, and dreaming. Geez Louise, I think most of you out there reading would admit that I'm aware of my feelings, and if I'm not so sure of what they are I try to figure it out until I actually know what's going on with me.

I think some of this has to do with the fact that he's a guy, and I'm a girl. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact that I see problems as solvable and able to be worked through. Of course, not everything has a happy ending and I think that he's coming from that point of view. But there are some things I know how to handle and how they can and should be handled, children being one of them.

Should he take off his blinders or should I stop wearing rose colored glasses? Whatever it is... I'm sad for the loss of what could be.

What Women Deserve

I want to be treated like I'm special because I am. I was just recently contacted by someone on Frumster who had possibilities. When it came to our first date and he asked me where we would like to meet, I was floored.. so much so that I said, "I don't know. You choose."

I continued talking to him and then he asked me what I would like to do, and if I had any suggestions. WHAT!?!?! He's a grown man at least give me some choices. He wanted to take me out on a date. He contacted me.

Well, I called him back today, and told him that I want to be treated nicely. That what I wanted was someone who would pick me up at the very least for a first date, and this person would treat me better than my ex had.

He started stumbling over his words and said that he would pick me up if I wanted that, but the thing is I want someone who can think to do that for himself. He then said that he never had any problem with anyone else when he suggested meeting in the city. I told him that I wasn't high maintenance 'cause lord knows I'm not, but that I wanted to be treated nicely. He started "uh.." and I said, "thank you and it was nice getting to know you." He replied the same still in shock.

For future reference, all you single guys out there: just because a girl (woman) likes to watch and play football, running around outside, and is low maintenance does not mean that she doesn't want to or doesn't deserve to be treated like she's special which includes telling her she's pretty and picking her up on dates.

btw-I'm so proud of myself!