Everything Is Subject To Change

It most certainly is.  I know things change from day to day and even from hour to hour.  That's a part of life, and for the most part I can take it.  I'm used to ups and downs.  Hell, I create a good amount of them.  But I don't think he's being realistic, and it's funny that I have to be that for both of us.

I don't think he's being honest with himself, and if he's not honest with himself than he can't be honest with me.  I don't think he's trying to hurt me.  And yes, I'm scared about trusting him.... ok, absolutely terrified of trusting him so much so that I probably won't be able to completely trust him for years.

All of this is going to scare him off even though he won't admit it.  It's ok though.  I'm ok.  I hope he will be too because I love him and want his life to be easy and for him to be happy.  I want to be able to remember him and think of his eyes smiling at me.

I've Been Writing

I actually wrote last night.  I started work on a new poem.  It felt damn good even if the poem is horrible.  I want to contact my poetry professor and meet up with him.  He's so cool and we get along well.  He also doesn't mind critiquing my work.  It would be nice to hear what needs correction and why something should be changed.

Onto the man of the hour.... I think he needs some space so I'm going to try my damnedest to give it to him.  I feel like he wants to pull back.  It's ok.  He's allowed to.  And it's not like I didn't know that this would happen.  I'm too much... and I'm scared and that just scares him away.  He can go, and as much as I don't want him to, I can let him.  Yeah right, sure you can CR.  Well, I can.  It doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell and that I won't miss him.  It just means that he's smart.  Ok, ok, it just means that... Well, it does mean that he's smart.  There's too much in my life and with me.  I wouldn't want to deal with me either.

I love him, but I only want to be with someone who wants me.  I don't want someone to have to pretend that they want to be with me, and I don't want someone who's doing it out of pity or some other weird reason.  It's too hard to think that.  I don't want to go, but if that is what he needs and/or wants then I will.

I want laughing and hugs and tears and love.  I want it all, and I will miss the smiling eyes in his voice.

Dreams, Decisions, and Desires

I write words I don't send.  I miss him.  I love his laughing blue eyes that melt my heart.

Chris Isaak's new song "Please Don't Call" says what I can't, and what I don't want to say.  And then I hear the words to Bonnie Raitt singing "Feels Like Home" and I want to run into his arms and never leave.

It was my birthday, and he gave me the most amazing presents.  It was so obvious that he put so much thought into them.  Tears came to my eyes when I opened a present that no one else would ever think to get for me.  The nerd in me was overwhelmed, excited, flattered, and felt so acknowledged.  It was a sundial that really works.  It has a compass and you set the latitude.  Yeah, yeah, even the description is probably boring the non-nerds.  The other present was a beautiful silk scarf that felt as good as it looks.  The colors and print were so rich and vibrant.  One present for nerd and one for the woman.  He understands me.  Do you see why I love him?????  

Reality

It tends to get in the way.  As much as I try, I can't ignore certain things.  Sooooo... I'm not going to see him.  At first it was I'm not going to see him, text him, talk to him.  That really wasn't happening even with yontiff.  I missed him.  I miss him.  But I just can't see him.

I want to see him!!! That's not the issue, or maybe it is.  Yeah, could it be more confusing, tangled and just plain bonkers.

Instead I'm going to see what happens.  Maybe we'll drift apart.  What will probably happen is that when he can't see me, he won't be as interested; I'll hear from him less and less.

It hurts.  I don't want to say goodbye, but there was never a complete hello.  Things get in the way.  Life gets in the way.  His life gets in the way.

But I'm worth it, and have to remember that.  I deserve it all.  Not just bits and pieces, not seconds or minutes.  I want days, nights, dinners, walks, talks, star filled skies and thunderstorms.

I give my all, and that's what I want in return.