Thursday, April 24, 2008

I Hate Love

It hurts too much.

I hate limbo because I don't know what I'm expecting then I'm not at ease and can't experience what I really feel. All that I feel then is anxious. It colors everything a pukey sea green kind of color that reminds me of hospitals where I've done a lot of anxious waiting through my life.

I'm horrible at making decisions, not all decisions just a few and of those only the ones that impact on me singularly. I would love for someone to make these decisions for me, but then what would be the purpose of me being involved in my life at all?

I don't know whether to cry or yell so I do neither. The pain is muted right now. I have too much going on in my life to feel it completely or maybe I just don't want to face it.

I feel like I'm losing a best friend, and he's not even lost. It just that things are in limbo, but I have this feeling. Anyway... I'm sure my tears will come. But my eyes are dry right now. I guess, I'm trying to push it down. I've never felt this way about someone. Maybe it was easier to care about him like this because he was so far away. So that this wasn't "real." Then why does it still hurt?

I have too good of an imagination. I let dreams get the best of me. At this point in my life, I should know that there is no such thing as "happily ever after." But I do know that. I don't want perfect. I just want to share. I want to share smiles and tears, arguments and make-ups, family dinners and slamming doors.

I wish... I hope... I dream... and I curse myself for wanting the impossible.

Didn't reread. Don't want to read this again.


Oyving said...

Here's the dilemma. Dreaming and being an open, feeling person makes you the wonderful person you are. If you didn't have these qualities, you would feel less pain, but also less love would come your way.

If you really had to choose, CR, do you really think you'd rather be bland and plain vanilla, or a person who can feel life? I think for all the pain, you'd change nothing. You like who you are (so do I, by the way. :-))

Commitments need to be reciprocated to feel genuine and real, and there is always a dance to these things so it's not a matter of perfect equivalence. I have heard it said that if you want to get out more than you put in, play the stock market. But there's the risk in that decision to be in a relationship that you want - putting out more than you get. There does have to be some sort of parity or you will instinctively resist. That seems to be where you are now, but it's not necessarily a reasoon to be pessimistic.

In currency trading they speak of "resistance points", places where statistically we determine currencies are likely to be at reasonable values (trading band). Relationships are like that, too - they meet resistance points. The decision then is whether you want to go with the "market", or against it. There are always people who go against it and win - but it requires a decision, and a clear assessment of the risk involved. Decent traders never bet exclusively on such trades, but they will do it if they sense the market has misjudged the facts. That's where you are now - assess your market, and make a decision about where you want to put PART of your investment.

There is no right answer - this one comes from the gut.

Passionate Life said...

CR, sorry for the turmoil and pain that you are currently going through. Hope things look brighter in the morning.

You could have left out your whole post and just put in the labels at the end. The labels alone tell the whole story. Fascinating!

MizEllie said...

Oh CR, I'm really sorry. Why do relationships sometimes have to be so painful? Sending you hugs from afar....

come running said...

Thanks for the advice.

Things did look brighter in the morning... I think.

I guess the more happiness a relationship can bring you the more heartache it can also bring.

Thanks for the hugs and the caring. They help.

Tr8erGirl said...

In the immortal words of the J.Geils Band (and Adam Sandler in The Wedding SInger)...."Love Stinks!"

(omg - that was so corny - but I had to - sorry!!)

((hugs from PA))

come running said...

you made me laugh :)