About Last Night.....

Last night was supposed to be fun. Shmellen and I had originally made plans to get together. She is a very good friend, and stopped me from just closing down and saying good-bye to Charm. Anyway, with Shmellen's blessing I invited Charm to come along. I figured it's been three months now and it shouldn't be a big deal just to go out with me and one of my friends.

When I asked him to join us he responded with, "What are you going to be doing?" That is not what I wanted to hear. I was kind of taken aback and I said that I wasn't completely sure, but does he want to come out with us. Some background.... Saturday night DB was with his father so I could go out and stay out, and Sunday night Charm already had a commitment to attend a school dinner. If we didn't go out Saturday night it might not happen for awhile depending on when my attorney was going to get the revisions to my papers back to me. This past Wednesday we didn't go out because Charm's daughter was with him. That's the other night I have free because DB sleeps over at his father's. Now Charm and his ex have a reasonable relationship. In fact, they have one of the best ex relationships that I've ever seen. Anyway as far as I know and from previous experience Charm doesn't really have any problems with switching nights that his daughter would be with him. OK, OK... let me cut him a little break.... I did say to him earlier in the week that there was the possibility that DB would be with me Wednesday night, but he never asked if that was going to take place.... and I forgot to tell him.


Back to the main issue.... my feelings were hurt because I asked Charm out and I felt that he was saying to me 1. that meeting my friends isn't as important as what we might do with them 2. that agreeing to go out with me wasn't as important as what we might do.

That hurt. I kept it inside like I always do. Whenever I get hurt I try not to show it and put up a wall instead. But, I pushed myself and two days later brought up the subject. I didn't do it in the best way, but I'm trying and learning. I basically asked him if he was just interested in the sex and if he was that's fine, but let me know. You see, that way I can decide if I wanted to be friends with benefits or just end it. When Charm comes over to see me we just end up having sex... Yes, it's great, amazing, mind-blowing sex, but I guess I need more. It seemed like the only time I saw him we stayed in even if I went to him. Just to clarify he has taken me out and we both have crazy schedules, and he graciously comes to me, he also calls me several times during the day but I felt kind of taken for granted. Anyway... after I floored him by asking him if I should start seeing other people, I finally got out that I was very disappointed in the way he answered me when I asked him to come out with me and Shmellen. It was so freaking hard for me to do that because then I was opening up to him that he could hurt me and that he did. It would've been easier for me to just completely break it off, but how stupid and immature would that be? Charm was absolutely wonderful and understanding and apologized and said "When and where?" Now I was the one that was floored I really thought he wasn't interested in spending time with me unless it was just the two of us and sex was a given. Wow, I didn't have to end a relationship just because my feelings were hurt. It didn't mean that Charm did it on purpose and was trying to mess with my head like stbx used to. I told you that I was new to this dating thing and I need to unlearn some protective behaviours.

Anyway... believe it or not everything worked out. That is until last night. Shmellen wasn't feeling well and Charm's friend who decided to join us changed his mind. It just going to be the two of us. I was still looking forward to seeing him. And then I got the phone call.... "Should I even bother getting dressed...." Now, I got dressed, put on perfume and makeup and I was driving over to Charm's. He had to work today, and I thought it would be easier for him if he didn't have to pick me up, go out, take me home and then drive about a half hour back to his place. Boy, did I feel like I was being used just for sex and that even if this was the only night I could go out and do something fun my feelings didn't really matter. He was just thinking... or maybe he wasn't the one who was doing the thinking....

The door in my chest slammed shut and I started to numb myself to my feelings. My chest got tight and I pretended as if he said nothing wrong... I continued joking around with him.

BUT, before I walked out the door to my place I called him back and pushed myself to tell him that I want to go out. Yes, it was unbelievably difficult for me to do that. Yeah, it's ridiculous, and stupid. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out and it shouldn't be so hard for me to say it. I'm not used to asking and getting things that I ask for in a relationship.

Charm was cool and asked if a movie was ok. Of course, my car was stuck in the ice and by the time I got to him I don't think we would have made it to a movie. We went inside and sat down and just talked a little. He knew I was upset, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was scared to say anything. I just wanted to say goodbye and run away..... Instead some of the emotions inside of me escaped and some tears dripped down my face, but I was still unable to tell him what was going on. While we were on the couch, Charm said, "Are you staying over?" Boy that almost did it. What was I supposed to answer to that?? Was he saying that he wanted me to stay over? Was he going to say that if I wanted to stay over it wouldn't really work because he had to get to work early? Brave me I came right out and asked him what kind of question was that? Was it an invitation? He said yes. If he had been thinking about me staying over why didn't he mention something before I left my place so I could bring some things I might need. UGH!!! I know I'm expecting him to read my mind, to know what I want,

I accepted the invite, but I couldn't sleep. Thoughts about what had happened the past week... the "I think I'm in love with you", and the fact that he doesn't tell me I'm pretty, and all the other stuff that just took place. NO!!!! I'm not pmsing!!! So at about 5 a.m. I started thinking that I wanted to cut out, and by sixish I finally got up the courage to get my clothes. I was being soooo very quiet, but Charm woke up. How was I going to explain to him that I was very sensitive and it felt like my feelings were being ignored or trampled on and I just needed to leave. Instead he asked me to come back to bed. I laid down with him and he wanted to have sex again. I just wanted to be held and protected and told that I was pretty. BUT I still can't tell him these things face to face. I tried to get him to go back to sleep. That he had an early day and work, and the two other obligations. He really didn't want me to leave. So I stayed. Finally got some sleep and was having a crazy dream about Charm and an ex-girlfriend of his that he was buying a book for when he woke me up.

As we were walking out the door this morning Charm said "I hope that it wasn't me last night." He meant about the tears. How could I tell him especially right then and there when he needed to get to work. He then said that "Guys always think that they are the one who caused the tears and that they just don't know what they did." He's right. It's not fair to him if I don't tell him how something bothers me and instead I just close down and get ready to run for the door and the next guy. That's kind of what I used to do. As soon as I felt myself feeling something for a guy, if he was getting to close, I'd start to step back. I wouldn't really break up because, hey, that would mean opening up my feelings to someone else. Hell, it would mean that I was acknowledging the fact that I had feelings. Instead I would let the relationship drift to friendship. I was already starting to get the next guy lined up. I replied to some people on Frumster, and now I'm going to let them know that I'm not available, but if anything changes in the future I'll contact them. The people I replied to were not the psychos who were proposing marriage in their first message to me. They were good guys, but so is Charm. I'm going to try and give him a fair chance.

I am very proud of myself. This morning I called Charm and told him that I want to go out more often. That I don't really get the chance to go out and when it's available I don't want to miss it. I kind of explained that I am stuck at home except for Wed. night and some Sat. and Sun. nights if I'm not working. He can get out. Just the fact that he can choose to come over to see me makes me envy him. I can't afford a babysitter, and don't really have any relatives up here in Oz to watch DB. If I did, I would be back in school in a flash. I soooo very much miss signing (ASL, American Sign Language), and I want to become an accredited interpreter. I also miss the friendships that I make in school. The adult companionship.

I also told Charm that I would really like it if he would tell me I'm pretty. I acknowledged the fact that he tells me I look nice, but he's looking at my clothes when he says that. I told him that even if he didn't mean it to say it anyway.

He started joking around (but there's always a little truth in a joke) about me trying to leave in the middle of the night. "Isn't the guy supposed to do that? Were you even going to leave me a note?" Maybe he was trying to tell me that it what I was doing was hurting him? I guess, I'm thinking that I'm the only vulnerable one in the relationship.

All of what has gone on this past week makes me hear my mother's voice in my head, "just because you would do something or treat some one that way does not mean that other people do. You can't expect that they will do that." Then I add my own voice and say "They can't read my mind."

You might think after reading this post that Charm could do nothing right, and that we didn't have a good time together at all this week. You would be wrong. I don't think I would have bothered pushing myself so hard if I didn't know how much fun Charm and I can and do have together. Worst case scenario, I've learned that being honest about what I want and feel and showing Charm or someone else my tears isn't going to make me melt away.....

I feel so much better now that I've gotten this out of my system. My fingers and brain were aching to get this on paper. I never realized how much I missed writing and how writing helps me think things through. I'm not even going to read this over. It's going out as is... as it came out of my head and heart.