Written When Happy

"If there is meaning in life at all," Frankl wrote, "then there must be meaning in suffering."  I've never read anything by Victor Frankl.

Yes, I've heard of him, and the title of his famous book, Man's Search For Meaning.  It must have never been the right time for me to discover it, and even though I still haven't read it, it and he have still impacted my life.

As soon as I finished reading the above quote, it became apparent to me why after hating Crime and Punishment I just couldn't get enough of analyzing it and Dostoevski.  Which then pulled me to Malamud's The Fixer.  

My professor asked me in what I can only recall as almost the exact same words as Frankl's.  "Is there meaning in suffering?" Or maybe he said, "Does suffering have meaning?"

My immediate response was "yes" even though I have suffered immensely throughout life, and I would much rather be happy.  But now that I've read an essay by Frankl, I think that there can be a combination of the two.

Just thinking out loud.

Nobody Knows

He doesn't know.  He thinks he knows what I feel for him, but he doesn't.

You see, he doesn't, well, he doesn't even like to feel/think about his emotions.  So you can imagine how he must feel about my overwhelming ones.  If they are sometimes too much for me to handle, then he most certainly doesn't want to even begin to contemplate what I'm experiencing.

I love him.  Me, the person who knows better than to try and love again, has given him--is giving him  everything.

But I'm still afraid.  Ok, I'm actually positive that my heart will be broken into pieces, but that undeniable fact, can't stop me from loving him.  I know.  I'm stupid.  I know better.  But he says things, he means things, he does things that make me want to love him through the fear.

Salty drops burn my cheeks with joy and waves of fear crash through my soul.

Not Really

It's not really easy.  Sometimes it can seem like it, but then you get the wakeup call.  That sharp ringing sound startling you and bringing reality crashing through your dream world.  A heart breaking in loud gulping sounds filling a dark empty room.  Puddles formed by salty rivers flowing down your cheeks.

There is never a happy ending only beginnings filled with unsaid goodbyes.

Easy

It is easy to be with him.  I'm relaxed.  He's relaxed.  We talk and laugh.  He's fun, and his smile reaches his blue eyes and lights up his face.  I love to look at him.  Our hands fit.  You know what I mean when that doesn't work.... some people don't know how to hold hands, or your hand is just not comfortable in their's.

We were walking in the park.   At first our hands were clasped together and then our fingers were entwined. The next thing I knew I was holding onto a couple of his fingers with my hand. He wasn't uncomfortable with it, and he probably didn't notice it at all.  But I did. It didn't matter how our hands were linked.  It was comfortable.

The little things...

OH! The Chanuka presents he got me!!!! A multimeter for when I work on computers... my very own.  It just shows he believes in me.

A bracelet that is beautiful.  It's the planets in the Solar System, and yes, it includes Pluto!  How does he find things that appeal to the nerd and woman in me at the same time????

And lastly the heart... so yeah, that's just for the two of us.  Sorry but no details there except for the fact that he's the hottest man and knows exactly what does it for me.

He really liked his presents too!!  They made him smile and that means the world to me.

The weirdest thing is that I asked him what he wanted, and he told me that he wanted a picture of me for his office.  Really???? Neither of my husbands (it still cracks me up to write that in the plural) ever wanted or had that.  I guess he does love me and doesn't want to hide me.  That was the best present he could have given me, and he doesn't even know it.