Everything That Goes Up

I can't wait to see him.  I'm so happy and excited.  Well, how could I not be.  Really!!!! There's so much I want to do with him - get your minds out of the gutter.... or don't ;) .  No really, I want to experience the world with him.  I want him to meet my friends and family, and see just how bonkers I am on a regular basis.  Yes, he knows me.  Yes, he knows me inside out.  Yes, he knows me better than I know myself (sometimes).  BUT he doesn't know what it's like to be around me.  He might hate it.  He has told me I'm intense.  Maybe too intense sometimes and yes, I know I get that way.  Sometimes I'm too intense even for me.  Really!!!

But I just want to be normal with him.  Yeah, yeah, stop laughing already... he knows, I know, you know and just about the whole world knows that I'm not normal.  But you know what I mean.  Anyway, I asked him what he would like to do, and he blew me away.  The simple things, the fun things, the things I love to do and just want someone to share them with; those were what he said.

The first thing he mentioned was to go for a walk.

Then came dinner, chasing pigeons, getting caught in the rain, standing under a tree in the rain, kissing in a doorway, kissing in the back of a taxi.  He slays me.  He destroys every wall,  or jumps right over them as if they are not even there.  He slices through the protective layers, rips them to shreds, and I have nothing left to cover myself.  And he doesn't even know the effect he has on me... what his words mean to me.

I only hope he's real, and this is not a game of some kind.

So that was what I wrote before 9 p.m. and then reality hits.

It's not going to happen.  None of it will.  I know.  Yeah, I really do know.  For one thing, and for some reason, I have not been blessed with an easy life, and he would make my life wonderful.  I was thinking of what he said to me Wednesday.  Tears were in my eyes several times during that conversation, and it wasn't that he was mean, obnoxious or hurtful in any way.  Just the opposite.  He was understanding, supportive and I don't even have the other words to describe the amazing things he said to me that not even my family has ever told me.

The funniest thing is that I took myself off the dating sites.  I even mentioned him to my mom again.  Not only that I mentioned him in passing to DB.

I wish he would just go away already.  Yes, I do!! That way I won't get too comfortable with being told nice things or treated in a nice way, and that way the feelings won't grow stronger roots because of his words and smiles.

The holidays, my birthday, his birthday and more holidays will be spent apart.

Make it go away.

I know what I sound like.  And I'm not pathetic!!! I'm tired and realistic about my life.

I want to know why Hashem would put someone like him so near but out of reach.

And yes, I love him.

He who learns must suffer,

And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget,

Falls drop by drop upon the heart,

And in our own despite, against our will,

Comes wisdom to us by the awful face of G-d.  (Aeschylus, Agamemnon)

Jumping To Conclusions

I did it again.  Sounds kind of familiar doesn't it? But it's true.  You see, he wrote back to me and apologized.  Wait! Don't do what I did and jump to a conclusion.  His apologies are meant, and no, I'm not that that stupid.  I know he means his apologies because he works on changing what he apologizes for.  WHOA!!!!

Now don't go and be jealous.  Well, ok, be jealous.  He's kind of amazing.  He tells me he's proud of me too.  Yes, he's real.  Yes, he's handsome.  Yes, he's fun and funny and smart.... AND yes, he's an unbelievable kisser.  Now, you should be very, extremely, CR, you're making him up jealous.

So I went and did what I shouldn't have done and told him.  But it's deeper now or different or just more real.  Yes, there are times when I'm freaked out like you would not believe.  Terrified is more like it.  So uptight that I start to pace.  But then I hear his voice either in his texts or on the phone and I relax as he tells me he's holding me tight and won't let go.

The thing is he makes fun of me too.  No, not in any mean way.  If it came even close to that, I'd be gone without giving him a chance to apologize.  He does it in the I know exactly who you are CR and am still here.  Hope I explained that so that you understand.

OOOOH! A friend of mine has his bike back and said he'll take me out riding.  Now, I just need to convince him to teach me how to ride.  Then I can go out riding with another friend of mine from school.

And I got a new job.  Pre-school teacher.  I get to hug munchkins and teach them about the world.  What could be better????  Yeah, it could be better if I actually had another one myself, but looks like that's not meant to be.  It's sad.  I always wanted about 5 kids, but I guess it's from Hashem because there is just no way I would have been able to be there for DB the way he needs me if he had other siblings.

I'm worried about him, but I know he'll pull through.  I have every confidence that he will have a happy and successful life, and I wish I could instill that in him.  He feels pressure that I haven't expressed about how he has to be throughout his life.  All I want for him is happiness and for him to be able to support himself and his family.  I know that he has so much more. Oh, well, that could be the pressure he feels.  He is talented, but I will shut up about it.  He does work on it.  Tonight he was sketching when I was going to sleep.

I am praying that his life gets easier and he gets healthier.  What an amazing kid he is or should I say young man.  He's definitely growing up.  When I told him about my new job, his face lit up, he became very animated and was so excited for me.  I love my boy!

It seems like the men in my life are actually there for me.  I must be dreaming.  After all, it's 3:23 a.m. and even though the windows are shut and I'm miles away the birds are singing in Oz.

Ups And Downs

Yup.  Did it again.  Said something I shouldn't have.  Felt something that I know better than to feel.  Wish I weren't so stupid sometimes.  You would think that I would know better by now.  Yeah, right.  CR, you never learn.

Fine, so I will learn.  I won't let anyone through or invite them in - which is a better description of my behavior.  There's a reason people build walls, and I need to brick mine back up after I reinforce it with rebar and concrete.

I guess, I deserve it.  Actually, I know I deserve it.

I don't like hurting.  And I don't like feeling so stupid.

Saw some old friends this week and told them about the second divorce.  They were sorry, and I told them that they most certainly should not feel that way since I don't.  Then they mentioned that I would find someone and that they had friends who got married for the 3rd time implying that the same would happen to me.  Well, it wasn't really implied because they straight out said some nice things about me and that because I'm like that they know that I would marry again... but this time the right man.

Ummmmmm.... NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!  I have informed my neighbors, friends, and family that if I even contemplate it, to stop me.  I'm obviously not good at picking men.  Just take a look at this blog through the years.

I shouldn't even be talking to men.  It's just that... Nope, no rationalizations or justifications.

There are just some things I'm not good at. Computers are obviously the right field for me.

It's just sad

I'm sad