I take that back

Uh huh.  I do.  I take back my previous post.  But boy did it help writing it.  Man, have I missed this blog.  I don't need anyone.  I can take care of myself and db.  Sure it would be nice to have someone to share things with, but (excuse me here - profanity is def needed) FUCK IT!!!

I don't have to be lonely or alone.  I don't have to be sad.  I don't have to make myself worse off by listening to Carole King while putting away children's books that remind me of db's childhood.  OH MY GOD!! Sorry about the yelling, but could I get more maudlin.  Really? No, really????

What the freak is wrong with me?  One horrible day for db, missing friends and who the hell knows what kind of relationship I'm in and I fall to pieces?  This is just ridiculous.  So, things are fine.  Yes, I'm bonkers.  But what does that say about you??? Huh? Aren't you reading this crazy lady's blog???

Have a good night! I plan on it, and having a good day tomorrow and the day after etc....

So, yeah

I'm at it again.  Writing and dating.  Why you ask?  Yeah, been asking myself the same question.  The writing is obvious. It helps. It helps me process feelings and thoughts.  Helps me make decisions.  Also helps me feel less stupid even when I know just how non-thinking and idiotic I've been.  Once again not thinking with my head.  How and why do I keep doing this?  You all know the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing expecting something different to happen.

I do.  I want that warm feeling that starts in my chest and radiates outward through the rest of my body.  I want hugs and love.  Just don't think it's really meant to happen for me.  That's sad.  Yup, it is.  It's heartbreakingly sad and makes me want to cry.  Not the tears that are dripping silently down my face right now, but the sobs of loss, of never to be love, of an empty heart and home and lonely soul.

Maybe I'll get better at writing, maybe I'll throw myself into work.  Friends alone can't fill this up, and even though I know that I am fine by myself, I want more.

I'm probably tired and the fact that db is having such a difficult time definitely affects me.  So just ignore this post as rambling or not - these thoughts are usually there in the back of my mind holding on and hiding deep inside the hole in my chest.  and no I'm not pmsing.