So Much Has Happened

There's been a lot going on in my life in the past few months. Y'all know I got engaged, and along with that came a new family, or rather integrating all those involved into a new family. Believe it or not the hard part isn't the kids. It's crazy, and amazing but the children get along great... with each other and with the new adult figure in their life.

It's just the adults (yes, I'm calling us that even though we aren't behaving that way) that are having problems dealing with one another. I'm not blaming him... and as soon as I wrote that I thought, "Oh yes, I am." I know I'm just as responsible as he is. BUT, (and this is a big BUT) at least I'm reading and working hard on trying to understand and make it work. Yeah, Yeah, I know. Your probably thinking CR so is he. REALLY?!?!? I don't think so.

Ya see he's coming from a long marriage. At least that's what I consider twenty three years of being with a spouse. And I think that along with that extended time period of living and dealing with one person he has come to expect me to understand or to respond and in some cases not respond to his behavior. Well, I don't work that way.

It was hard enough for me to get engaged and stay that way. I don't remember if I wrote about how I got sick to my stomach when Mr. Rose proposed. I felt like I was going to throw up or faint or both even though I knew he was going to ask me. And when we were planning the wedding I got that feeling a lot.

I really don't know how we even managed to get married. I was scared, picked fights, read things the wrong way, and was absolutely emotional. But somehow the day of the wedding arrived and I couldn't stop smiling. It most certainly wasn't like this the first time I did it. I was happy. AND I was relaxed. I had a great time.

The week before the wedding we saw each other. Not for seconds or just in passing, but spending the days together. All except for Shabbos. We even saw each other the night before when we set up the shul, and the morning of. He helped me get dressed. Thinking about it now, I know that if I had not been able to spend that time with him there would have been no way that we would have made it to the Chuppah. He made me feel secure and loved.

Yeah, yeah, I noticed that I wrote that in the past tense. Ya see, I'm not feeling that secure and loved anymore. Rather I'm feeling taken for granted, and ignored.

OK, OK, I know he just bought us a house and moved his family across the country, but we haven't even gone out on one date since we've been married and it's been over two months.

That hurts. And yes, I've told him. Yes, I've mentioned it to him gently, humorously, with teasing and with tears. But nothing has taken place. I've also told him that I don't need it to be fancy. I just want some time to feel special or rather that he feels I'm special.

I don't want him treating me a certain way just to have sex. And anyway, y'all know how I am, and that sex is a given... although, at this point...

I don't want to have to think about money, or the kids or anything. I want to be with him. Hell, I was even going to consider us going to Target a date until he started kvetching. I just wanted some time with him out of the house, out of bed, just the two of us.

So today, he went with his brother to lunch, just the two of them, and it hurt... bad. Not only that he didn't even bother bring me anything back. WTF.

Right now, I don't even want to go out with him. I'll tell you what I do want to do... no, maybe I won't, but I will tell you it involves a door slamming so hard behind me that it echoes in his ears for a long time. I can hear it in my head right now, the thought of it gives me satisfaction.

Of course, I know it's childish, but I want to hurt him back. I want him to understand just how alone I feel... how sad this makes me. I don't expect a perfect marriage, but I would still like to have a marriage. Right now, all I feel is that he wants me for his kids and sex, and that makes me not want him.

I don't need any stick it out advice. I need to vent, and boy, would I love to vent on him, but I'm trying my best to keep things in control.

Again

It hurts... again. He said he would call back, and he didn't. Not even to say that he can't talk.

I'm worried. I hope everything is fine with his family.

It appears as if he turned off his phone, and that hurts.

I don't know what to think.

It hurts. What happened? Why didn't he call? Doesn't he know just how much it hurts me and how much I miss him???

I want to strike back. I want to cry. I want to curl into a ball and not let anyone touch my heart again.

I know I'm exaggerating. But I'm not. It hurts.

The tears are slowly slipping down my cheeks, and I am wishing that they carry the hurt with them. Out of me.

I try to tell him how much or how important it is for me to talk to him. Maybe it's too important. Maybe it's too much.

I don't need him. Make me don't need him. Make me don't care. Make it go away.

Maybe I expect too much. I'm sorry if I do. I'm sorry that I believe you when you say you will call. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Just go away and I'll be fine.

Over It

What Yossi wrote in the comments of my last posts kind of hit home and helped a lot. I spoke to Mr. Rose tonight. I was calm and quiet and told him what hurt me and instead of saying the negative of not doing it in the future, I asked him to do the positive of what I want. What I need from him.

He responded like the wonderful, amazing man he is and apologized and said that he would do it in the future. Then I mentioned that I knew that he knew that something had been bothering me and I asked him why he hadn't brought it up. He answered that he knew I would talk to him about it when I was ready. He was right. Ugh!! He's right an awful lot.

So things are fine now... but I just didn't realize how hurt or angry he could make me. Whoa!!! It freaks me out a little to feel those things so strongly, but I guess that goes along with how strongly I care for and about him.

I love him so I'll keep going and learn along the way. I'm so glad I have this blog as a release and for the support and advice y'all give me. It helps!!! so so so much!!! Thank you!!

Furious

I will not be taken for granted. I feel like I am taken for granted. I am not in a good mood. I might be pms'ing but that's not really the point.

The point is that I just asked him something last night that he not do in the future, and then he goes and does something similar again tonight. Well, guess what! I'm not just here when he remembers me. It's freakin past 10 p.m. and I had to call you. Well, I'm not going to do that again! Maybe I make it too easy in certain respects that I'm almost always available. Well, I'm not going to be anymore.

I'm so angry.

I'm so hurt. I'm not angry. I'm disappointed... disappointed to know that it's not really important and it doesn't really matter if he calls. It hurts... it hurts so bad. There are tears running down my face right now.

I don't need to worry if he's going to read this. He doesn't read the blog... especially if I don't tell him a new post is up. I feel like I'm being taken for granted more and more. I don't understand. I just talked to him about it last night. I was calm... no tears, no hysterics, just asking him for the future, and then he goes and does something similar tonight. I know I'm repeating myself. It hurts. I want him to go away. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to allow myself to hurt like this. I don't know how to do this. Maybe I'm just messed up. Maybe I just don't deserve this or maybe I just don't know how to be in a relationship.

I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, let down. It seems like it's a pattern. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm pushing him away. I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe it would just be easier for him if he only had to worry about his kids and himself.

It hurts. I thought I was supposed to be happy now.

The funny thing about this is that he has absolutely no clue how I feel right now. He has no idea how much he has hurt me and how I feel like I'm not part of his life... I'm tired.

I don't want to have to break down in tears to get my point across about how much something means to me, but I don't know what to do.

Don't know if I'll post this. Actually I will. It makes me feel as if someone is really listening to me when I post.

Happy Purim! (yeah, right)

The Name Of This Blog

Mak once asked me awhile back if I was ever going to change the name of my blog once I found Mr. Right. I still haven't come to a decision regarding that, but I have said yes to Mr. Rose.

He asked. I answered.

I love him.

There's so much more to say, and of course, I will. If I have the time, I'll continue to do so now. If not, you'll get it in bits and pieces as I plan for our wedding.

OMG!!!!!! I'm getting married to the most wonderful man I've ever met!!!!!!!

If The Name Fits

...and it does. Mr. Rose is a "Good Man." I was re-reading old posts last night and realized that Mr. Rose most definitely fits the bill. I even called him up and read it to him. He started laughing and said that I was describing him. WOW!!! I found one. I knew they existed somewhere in the dating jungle, but I just didn't know where they were hiding.

The thing is (drum roll please) he's not from Oz. Nothing against y'all from the Emerald City, but this Dorothy likes them from hills. Well, at least I like this one from the hills. And yes, I really, and I mean really, like him. OK, OK, I guess it's time for me to finally say it... I like him a lot!! Psych!!!

Fine I'll say it. The words that I am dancing around are... I love him.

You heard it here first. I love Mr. Rose. I didn't plan on it happening, but it did just the same. The man has won my heart... completely. And here comes the kicker, I don't just love him, I'm in love with him. He makes me feel beautiful, safe and loved. I trust him. I know that I've written it before about him in my blog, but the love just grows. This love feels like it's settling in my heart or maybe putting in roots. It's simple and strong.

It's so funny how with the other men I dated it was so easy for me to write that I might love them, but now with him it's different. It's just so personal. It's something special. UGH!!! That sounds so trite and just... UGH!!! What I'm trying to say is that it's, it's something that just he and I share.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Some of you might understand. Anyway, that's also why I haven't written about our sex life. Kind of weird, isn't it? I will say this. His kisses make me disappear, chills run down my spine and my skin burns at his touch. I've never felt like this before. No man has ever, ever made me feel like this. I'm just so glad that it's him because otherwise I'd have a problem... hee hee ;)

Months Ago

Memories of months ago remembered as years of love and smiles
In our understanding through the ancient passion of others
My desire grows with my trust
And the future is nearer than the past

How I long for you without time interrupting;
An eternity of contentment and beatific smiles satisfied in your arms
But the fear crashes through the golden gates and darkens my hopes of forever
It surprised me with a quick return after I had banished it
Vanquished it with your understanding.

I dream of suffocating it with our happiness and together times
But it drags my heels reaching for my open heart.
I want to cut its claws but am afraid of amputating my own hands
Ghost pains of mistrust will only continue to hound me
Until I know what part of me I must fight
To win you

Over My Shoulder

Mr. Rose is sitting next to me as I write. He has access to my blog, but doesn't visit. He wants to give me my privacy. Anyway, I was showing him something and he noticed that in my "about me" it stated that I was thirty-something. Oh boy! He kinda got on me about that. I turned 40 a couple months back.

The funny thing is that when Mr. Rose would first answer his friends questions about me he made me 40. He didn't want people to think there was that great an age difference. Not that it feels like there is any disparity in the way we view the world because of how old we are. Soooooo... I kinda got on him about making me older and he's now returning the favor.

He knows how I feel about honesty too. So there you go.... I'm 40. Of course, I still act like I'm 16.

btw- Mr. Rose just turned another year older himself this week. I think that might be the reason for his even noticing the age thing. ttytt-I don't even notice the age difference, BUT I love to tease him about it.

one more thing Mr. Rose just realized why the post wasn't posting... it said pm not am. Ya just gotta love the man!!!!!

I've Been Remiss

...in writing my blog and in following other blogs. I just realized that it's almost been two years since I started writing this blog and on a regular basis.. It shouldn't have surprised me how much I enjoyed the writing. I loved to makeup stories on paper and in my head ever since I was little.

Although, I haven't been writing here that much I have been writing in a "notebook." Most of you, if not all of you are aware of the issues that have been going on with my ex which is why I switched this blog to invite only. He tried to use it against me in court. I don't know what about it showed that in anyway that I'm an unfit parent, but he tried nonetheless.

Anyway, I've been busy lately... with work, with life, and with Mr. Rose. Believe it or not (and sometimes it's hard for me to believe) he's still in the picture. We've been together now for a little over six months. He has continued to send me roses, treat me like gold and has even give me gold (a bracelet for Chanuka). The bracelet impressed DB. "WOW! Real gold, Mommy? That's X-PENSIVE!!!"

What has impressed me is not the roses or the bracelet, but the thoughts behind them. And not just them but his understanding and patience.

Which reminds me I need to apologize to him so I'm going to cut this short.