Had my first date since he's gone, and I had fun!!! I was more comfortable and at ease being out with date #1 than with husband #2.  I wasn't trying to please anyone, and we talked.  Yes, I said WE!  We listened to each other, responded to one another, interrupted and agreed with what the other person was saying.  That in and of itself was enough for a first date!!!  He's fun, he laughs, he makes me laugh, and at the very least I have made a new friend - which is really just perfect for right now.

BUT he also opened doors for me, gave me choices, and shared his love of music with me.  HOLY MOLY!!!  OH!!! And he asked me questions about myself, and actually listened to me when I started talking all nerdy about a post post-modernist metaphysician debating with a philosopher of physics.

I can't sleep now.  It's midnight, and I've been home for about two hours.

Why? - OK - I know why or part of why (let's call husband #2, x2) x2 couldn't, wouldn't and didn't treat me the same way.  BUT - alright no buts.  He didn't and that was a big part of the problem.... no interest and no caring and sharing.

Anyway, one of the reasons I can't sleep is that we kissed.  X2 and I hadn't kissed in quite some time - but this guy kissed me!  And went on kissing me.  It was the perfect ending to a night that part of me didn't want to end.  OH! He respects my boundaries.  He could've pushed harder but didn't.  WOW!

See why I like him?  NO! NO! NO!  I'm not falling for him! It was a first date.  BUT it just felt so damn good to be wanted - for my company, my opinion, my words, and yes, my body too.

AND he's a damn good kisser!!!  AND he smiles!!  I'm happy, excited and feeling good, and man, do I deserve this.  Maybe I'll actually be able to get some writing done tonight.  I have 8 poems due and about a month to do them.

Forgot to mention that I lost 70 pounds, and have about 15-20 to go.  Plus I cut my hair, and I hadn't cut it for five years.  I'm lighter happier and freer.  Thank you, Hashem.

btw- in case I didn't mention it... it felt damn good to be in a man's arms with his mouth on mine.